Chapter 1: William Shakespeare

Dramatis Personae

SKIPPER: a penguin

KOWALSKI: a smart penguin

RICO: a crazy penguin

AN EGG, later PRIVATE

CHORUS

PENGUIN 1

PENGUIN 2

Act I, Scene i

Antarctica.

CHORUS: If one man could, with swift and winged feet,

like Mercury, the whole vast Earth traverse,

his long, fantastic journey he would end

on Antarctica's frosty, barren shores.

What strange and awesome wonders gather here,

far below the seaman's charted courses,

upon the base of fairest Terra's sphere;

a seeming wasteland, blank and void of life.

Yet even here, Jove's creatures make their homes.

If our good audience were now inclined

to conceive a scene in the mind's eye

(for, alas, this 'O' is not so wide

as to encompass far-off cliffs of ice),

a flock of cute and cuddly flightless birds

now cross our stage; and with this quaint device

begins our play, the comic and absurd. [Exit.]

Atop an icy cliff. Enter SKIPPER, KOWALSKI, RICO, and PENGUINS.

SKIPPER: What, ho! brothers, tell me, if you can,

what way's this, that all our feathered tribe

doth march, unceasing, towards, 'cross icy roads?

KOWALSKI: Alas, the way ahead is much too far.

My vision's like unto the crawling worm's;

the ground alone stretches out before me.

RICO: Blah-blah bluh wah grawk guh wuh bleh wah blah!

SKIPPER: Methinks, Rico, you've hit upon a plan.

Kowalski, let us fly into the air,

to look out over the expanse of land,

and see what journey's end awaits us there.

KOWALSKI: A fair conception, Skipper, though I fear

these wings of ours were not for flying formed.

SKIPPER: In truth? Gadzounds, if these small, stumpy limbs

be not for sky intended, then what, pray,

is their use? I fear I cannot guess.

RICO strikes SKIPPER's flipper with his own.

SKIPPER: Heigh-ho, what fine amusement does this make!

What say you we adopt this stinging sign,

a symbol of our grand fraternity?

KOWALSKI: Such a sign would surely suit us well.

RICO: Yah! Ah wah-wah guh blah wah blah wah-wah!

SKIPPER: Rico, your words are sweet and profound poesy.

AN EGG rolls across the stage.

SKIPPER: Ho! was this some solitary egg,

the wayward issue of a long-gone nest?

Will no one stop his ceaseless forward march

and bring it back, before it reach the cliffs?

PENGUIN 1: I do regret me that I cannot pause. [Exit.]

SKIPPER: Marry, sir, tarry! stop a while!

PENGUIN 2: We penguins may not halt our tireless trek

for any thing; 'tis Nature's course 'pon which

we and that hapless unhatched egg do tread.

Fret not, young one, for Nature's path is sure;

what may hap, will, and yet the Earth spins on.

No thing can stop it, nor interfere. [Exit.]

SKIPPER: [Aside] O me, what strange and turbid thoughts are these!

Methinks it seems my fellows speak the truth.

And yet, my heart likes not the speech it hears.

If Nature's path be sure, it is not kind.

If Nature be a mother, then she be

a cold and spiteful womb for her own babes.

What woman kills the child she did suck?

O, such wretched issue are we all,

as bastards under her disdainful glance!

Nature? Pah, thou art a wicked shrew!

I'll save the egg, if I be loved by Chance,

though she may be a fickle mistress, too. [Exit.]

KOWALSKI: Think you, Rico, that we should follow him?

RICO: Eh, blah-blah wah, bloo blee bloo wuh wah gah.

KOWALSKI: Well said, my friend! Now come, let us away! [Exeunt.]

Act I, Scene ii.

A large piece of ice, floating upon the ocean, away from the cliffs.

SKIPPER: Kowalski, if thou wouldst, relate to me

the nature of what hath just now transpired?

Methinks th'event hath so quickly occurred

that my reason could not grasp it quite.

KOWALSKI: Perhaps, more like, the action were too fierce

for our present medium, and thus

someone must needs tell the audience

the details of our recent derring-do.

SKIPPER: I thought we had agreed upon the point

that the fourth wall could only be breached

by the Chorus or the Epilogue.

KOWALSKI: Sorry. Forthwith shall I the tale relate.

In swift and heated pursuit of the egg,

as the hound pursueth the fleet hart,

we could not halt our frantic chase, and

thou and us wert o'er the cliff's edge toss'd,

to land upon the old ship's rusted deck.

There prowl the penguin's mortal enemies,

sharp-toothed, devilish, hungry leopard seals.

SKIPPER: Ay, the fiends be like to Nature's snakes!

KOWALSKI: Are not snakes like unto Nature's snakes?

SKIPPER: Pish! How ought I to know of such things?

Beyond this frozen wasteland, we know naught.

KOWALSKI: True, but I must to my tale return.

The seals would have gorged their vile stomachs

on us and the unfortunate egg, but

Rico hid our venture's helpless quarry

within th'expansive recess of his gullet.

To 'scape the seals, we climbed 'pon a harpoon,

which launched us through the air, above the ship,

to land on this small, floating chunk of ice.

The old ship burst into a fearsome flame,

the force of which propels us out to sea.

SKIPPER: S'wounds, 'tis a fantastic tale indeed!

In truth, we spar with Danger wond'rous well!

All three strike each other's flippers; SKIPPER accidentally strikes THE EGG.

SKIPPER: Soft! and look, the shell begins to crack!

Gather round, and hark! our eyes shall now

bear witness to the miracle of birth!

THE EGG hatches with an expulsion of fluid, splattering the PENGUINS.

SKIPPER: God's teeth! that's utterly disgusting.

PRIVATE: Greetings, gentles! Be you, perchance, my kin?

KOWALSKI: Thou hast no kin; thou art a wretched foundling,

adrift with us, and sure to die forthwith.

PRIVATE: In truth?

SKIPPER: Kowalski, prithee, hold thy tongue!

Young egg, 'tis true, thou hast no kith or kin.

But good cheer, youth, for thou hast us - and we

shall henceforth be a kinder kin to thee.

KOWALSKI: I fear our dire circumstance will end

in doom; and yet, if Lady Fortune smiles still

upon our small, unlikely troop, mayhap

some glorious adventure yet awaits.

SKIPPER: To glory, then, and let our hearts be bold!

Perhaps there is some wond'rous fate in store;

though our prospects may seem grim and cold,

one day we'll rise above the sea and soar! [Exeunt.]

Author's Note: Truthfully, I've been thinking of trying something like this for a while now. Basically, it's a sort of stylistic challenge; I'll be writing in the styles of all sorts of different authors. I have the first couple that I'm going to do planned out already, but after that, I haven't decided anything yet, so if you guys have suggestions for authors for me to emulate, feel free to share! :D

Please don't suggest any Elizabethan authors, though. "Shakespeare" is the first chapter because that was grueling! I mean, every single line (including Rico's gobbledy-gook) in iambic pentameter?! (hint: that's why this chapter is really short.)

Also, Private is really articulate for having just hatched. And Skipper is the only one who swears. But he swears, like, all the flippin' time. I didn't try those things, they just happened… but I like them, nonetheless.

I hope the chapter didn't bore you to tears! They will get better, I promise!