This idea came to me on a ride home and I couldn't help but play around with it.

Humor rating, possibly parody. Intended for humor purposes only, so if something is said, don't get offended.

Chapters will range from 200-1k, longer if necessary.

This is a series of chapters involving Twilight characters and questions you should NEVER ask them.

Disclaimers: Twilight is not mine.

Chapter 1: Emmett Cullen

It was a normal day in the lush Cullen household. You and the rest of your family/coven of vampires were sitting in the den area, doing miscellaneous things.

Alice buying more designer clothes online. Bella with a permanent frown engraved in the features of her face because half of the clothes were for her. Rosalie staring into her non-existent reflection in the mirror, telling herself how beautiful she was. Carlisle reading about doctor stuff, Esme doing mother stuff and lastly, the Cullen boys playing a heated game of online GTA V, with Jasper hacking the system so that weird mods were allowed: mods of an Edward-replica... except he wore heart boxers and had green dreads.

But there was also you.

The average human often wondering how exactly you got your ass in with these beautiful, sparkling beings.

"Hey, Em'?" You called out to the brawny vampire.

"Yeah, what's up? Make it quick―I'm trying to fire Eddie-boy's sparkly ass up with this flamethrower―stop moving!"

Snickering, Edward rolled his eyes, retorting, "I think the reason they make controllers for these game systems... is to give the player free-will to move wherever they please, Emmett."

"Suck a dic―"

"Esme won't like hearing that, Emmett..." Alice cut him off in a warning tone, her eyes never leaving the endless catalog of clothing displayed on her iPad screen.

A downside to befriending the Cullens... they were easily distracted.

With a heavy sigh, you say, "Anyways... what I was thinking was for your 123rd birthday... how about a bear―"

Everyone suddenly froze as you looked around, confusion on your face.

"What?" You asked, looking around to meet the different colored topaz eyes―oh, shit. Emmett was glaring and he looked like he was about to snap―Edward immediately went to restrain him, as did Jasper and Carlisle. Hell, even Bella had to step forward using her newborn strength. "What did I say?"

Esme frowned, walking gracefully over to you. "Sweetie," she chimed, her voice so sweet and comforting. "I think it's time you knew." She took the piece of paper Alice suddenly produced in her hands and handed it to you. "Things you must never mention or ask to Emmett."

Your eyes rake over the list... written on a napkin in sloppy handwriting. No doubt belonging to the bear of a man you managed to upset before you could even finish your sentence.

Things not to ask Emmett Cullen

Don't ask him why is he so buff.

No, he doesn't take steroids.

Don't ask him where he hides the steroids either.

Because he don't got none.

Also, please do not ask why he is so big.

He'll assume the questions relates to his mini-me downstairs and Rosalie will chew your ear off―literally.

Never ask what dat mouth do

Because he'll show you ... and as much as most consider Emmett adorable and attractive... his mouth and the wonders it can do, won't be the same.

Don't mention bears.

Come on now. This is obvious.

Don't ask him why he rips the heads off of Mr. Cuddlekins, the teddy bear and has Alice restock them each day.

Because you'll have a ripped head, too.

Meanwhile, as you read the list, Emmett's still snapping.

For the sake of all that is living... do not ask the man to arm wrestle

Should he lose... which he won't... He'll never live it down and will challenge you until the end of time or at least until you fake losing, even if you know you're not going to.

And don't ask to bear wrestle either.

Again. Bears. Off limits.

Oh, and don't call him a bear.

He's not hairy and hates the association.

Please don't talk about nakedness.

Unless you want him to be butterballed naked. Because be will.

Don't let Rosalie hear you asking that either.

If you value life.

Also, refrain from teasing him of his conquests.

He'll tease you right back. In front of your parents. Just ask Bella. He did it when Charlie came over.

And lastly, if you enjoy innocence...

No sex talk. Ever. Ever. Ever. You'll hear about his sex life as if they were bedtime stories. Detailed bedtime stories. Like on The Princess Bride type of detail where you get a movie with the story. Seriously. Disturbing.

By the time you finished reading the list upside down, around and about just to see every word... you had a crook in your neck. And was confused more than ever.

"And here I was just going to say... for his 123rd birthday... could he choose a more bearable theme. Last year's theme of Moulin Rouge was too much... and Rosalie almost killed all the models, too." ― "Geez. Didn't know I'd get an entire list of things not to say."

A/N:

Did I at least get a smile from this?

Next chapter will be maybe Jasper... any requests?

I had fun writing this.

Any questions or things you should never mention to Emmett? Let me know!

You all know what to do! And also, check out my other stories, please :)

Thanks For Reading!

Kumi-Chan/Tobi-Is-Fluffy-Chan