Writer's block.

This is a crack fic. You've been warned.

It's funny.

Because she seen this happen since the beginning.

It was your very first day at Forks High School before all the vampires and shifters and almost-war with the Volturi.

You were new in Forks called the wettest place on earth- no pun intended - and you weren't even looking forward to it. But it took just one slight glance at the family:

the family with the constipated honey blonde who looked at you like you were a Big Mac, the Mac Daddy looking pimp with dimples who looked like he ate steroids for breakfast-snack-lunch-snack-dinner-midnight snack, the YOU CAN BE WHO YOU WANNA' BE BARBIE GIRL looking skank who glared at you like you just slept with her man (maybe she was jealous and you hadn't even met her man, if she had one, yet...) and the auburn haired guy that looked like a Dior male model who had bursting out laughing like he had just heard the most funniest joke ever in his life...

It's all it took. Even though they strangely looked similar with the same eyes and same skin and same beautiful-ness -ness, it was all it took for you to decide school was going to be interesting.

As you entered the cafeteria for horrible school food that should be considered punishment, this pixie looking fairy perky chick approached you.

With a million dollar smile, she chimed in a sing-song tone, "Hi! I'm Alice!" She hugs you, "We're going to be such great friends and don't ask me how I know that!"

"In fact, let's take a walk away from prying ears so I can tell you all the things not to ask, I, Alice Cullen!"

You didn't know what the hell was going on or what she was talking about but she was so darn cute with her ballerina shoes and her short self and dazzling smile, so you let her hold your hand and nearly freeze it to death, as she explained all the things not to ask her:

I probably own like a dozen pair of shoes. Or was it five dozen? You know what, don't ask me how many pairs of shoes I own! Too much counting!

Do not ask me what's my favorite pair, either! It'll take me a decade to figure out.

Yes, I can see the future sort of... don't ask me if I can see what you're going to ask next! Your little mind is buzzing as I speak and at this very instant you are changing your mind like crazy!

Do not ask about the sadistic vampire named James. We may have had a past but it's done now.

Do not ask me right now who exactly is James... he's been dealt with.

Do not ask me what do you mean he's been "dealt" with? Because he died a horrible death.

Do not ask me if he was murdered... if you read the 1st book, you'd know.

Do not ask me what book am I talking about. Read.

Do not ask me if I found James to be attractive. He made me what I am.

Do not ask me if I have a thing for blondes considering both Jasper and James are blonde... it's something I've just come to notice. Honest!

Do not ask me if I have a thing for guys with first names starting with the letter J... No comment.

Hello, he's my brother! Do not ask me anything romantic about Edward. Ever!

Do not ask me if we went behind Bella's back...

And did what? Come on, don't ask!

Do not EVER ask me if we participate in sibling incest... yes, I know people write about it but come on, it's from the fans!

Do not ask me if I love the fans... I allow hem to write about me don't I?

Alice took a deep breath and led you out the double doors leading to the parking lot of the school.

"So, as you can see, we Cullens pride ourselves on being fancy. I own an Aston Martin, Emmett owns a Hummer, Rosalie owns a cherry red Lamborghini, Jasper a Harley, and Edward a Volvo!" Don't laugh at my brother like that... and don't ask me why he chose a Volvo if we have so much money.

Don't ask me how much money either... it's too much to count.

Don't ask me if I hate counting. Obviously I do.

Do not ask me what my monthly allowance is...what is an allowance, anyways?

Don't ask me my credit score either. That's personal.

Don't ask me how much credit cards I own. Probably four. Hundred.

Don't ask me who I think dresses better. Alice cleaned her throat, me.

Don't ask me why I tried to change Bella throughout the series. I had my reasons and no, not change as in change her but change her. She had the most horrible fashion sense...

Don't ask me who spoiled Nessie more either. I love my little half breed niece.

Do not ask me about my sex life.

Do not ask me if Jasper harms me since he seems like he has PTSD.

Do not, and I repeat do not... okay, well what the hey! Go ahead and ask me what dat mouth do. I'll show you.

Do not ask me if I swing that way. I'll show you better than I can tell you!

Do not ask me if I'm a lowkey freak. Or if I'm kinky. (Why do you think Aro wanted me, duh!)

By the time you came to from Alice's long and botched list of things not to ask... you realized you are in the forest. Outside of school. Alone. With Alice. Who was smiling at you.

You looked around and opened your mouth to speak but she beat you to it. "By the way, don't ask me what we're doing here." - "We're going to be great friends and my family and I are a bunch of vampires."

You were about to comment on the friend thing but something else she said caught you off guard.

"Yes, vampires are real." Alice chimed as if it were nothing. "And you're going to faint in... one, two, three..."

You fainted.

Alice's list was a bit botched to me. True writer's block. Probably not even funny but more so repetitive and more questions that I'd actually consider asking the vamp myself.

Writers block. It's what it does to you.

She'll probably bake you a pie and let you have your cake too. Esme is next.

P.S, I promise I'm working on my other stories. It takes time. Years. Lol.