A few things. One, this one shot vastly ignores canon. It's easier that way, both for comedy and so I can have fun writing it. Two, it was written for a contest. And lastly, the characters are in their mid-twenties.
Enjoy!
"Well...I'm getting married."
Kuroko sighed as she recalled this fatal sentence, one that had stuck with her for a while now. Just because she had heard it months ago didn't dilute the effect, nor did it set her heart at ease no matter how many sleepless nights she spent pondering her options.
Marriage. Quite possible the biggest step one takes in their life, for better or for worse.
And Misaka Mikoto was taking that step.
Allowing the putrid thought to once again enter her head, Kuroko rubbed her temples in irritation. She'd been told that almost seven months ago, during her lunch break. The bomb had been dropped so swiftly she hardly remembered the details of that day, but she remembered one thing.
"U-Uh...Touma proposed. I said yes."
Kuroko growled as she thought of the man. The ape. The idiot. The troglodyte. That man who had swooped into Kuroko's life more than a decade before and ever since, he'd had the upper hand whenever it came to Misaka. No matter what it was, he always had her beat. And then, as if to rub it in even more, they started dating. Kuroko had been extremely against it then, her stance had no changed over time. However, despite how angry the man made her, she had stepped down from the fight that would surely ensue should she say anything when she saw Misaka's smile.
Kuroko loved her Onee-sama's smile, it was radiant. She saw how happy that man made Misaka and, against her own convictions, allowed them to date in somewhat peace. It hurt to do so, but she endured.
But marriage? Kuroko wasn't sure she could accept this.
Not that she had any choice, she was already at the church waiting for the ceremony to start.
People were still filing in and taking seats or talking casually with other guests, but Kuroko ignored all of that, especially the insane amount of women that were there. She didn't have time to worry about any of that, there were much more pressing matters at hand. Shaking her head, she turned and walked back in the church, pushing her way past various guests, excusing herself quietly and continuing on her merry way. She had no goal in mind, just wandering. She eventually found herself in the actually church area where the ceremony would take place, and was greeted with quite a sight.
At the alter was the man himself, Kamijou Touma. He paced back and forth so quickly a blind person could tell he was nervous. He seemed to be speaking in low tones with two other men, one with white hair and the other with dirt blonde. Kuroko swallowed her anger as she walked towards them, keeping a straight face.
"I'm just saying, maybe this wasn't..." Kamijou was cut off by his two friends, who noticed Kuroko approaching.
"Kamijou." The dirty blonde one interrupted, pointing at Kuroko. "We have company." Kamijou turned at this, his gaze meeting Kuroko. The two stared at each other for a moment. Kuroko could see the two others retreat, presumably sensing the tension and leaving them alone.
"Shirai." Kamijou said with a faint smile. "Nice to see you."
"Kamijou." Kuroko replied. "You look...dressed up." Kuroko couldn't bring herself to compliment him, but she tried her best. He chuckled weakly and silence enveloped the two. Kuroko just stared at the ground, but Kamijou made weird noises.
"I'd forgotten." Kamijou said, making Kuroko look up. "Just how much you hate me, I mean."
"Such a blazing hate is not meant to be forgotten." Kuroko quipped, making Kamijou nod.
"You've just been so quiet about things I'd thought maybe you were over it. Guess that was foolish of me..." Kuroko nodded but didn't reply, she was currently dealing with tremendous inner turmoil. On one hand, she did hate that man quite a lot. On the other, he seemed nice enough. "But it's nice to see that you came."
"Don't get the wrong idea, I came for Onee-sama." Kuroko replied.
"I know." Kamijou agreed, "I know. Why else would you come?"
"I wouldn't have." Kuroko told him flatly, making him laugh. "Because I despise you."
"I know, I know." Another phase of silence passed, but for Kuroko it seemed like ages. She was trying to figure out what to say, but she couldn't. Anything that came to her seemed to abrasive or too happy. Nothing worked. "I don't know if I can do this Shirai."
"Eh?" Kuroko jumped a bit and looked over at Kamijou. For the first time in her life, Kuroko saw a look of doubt cross his face. The Kamijou she knew was dead set in his ways, always sure of what to do. This was...unsettling.
"I don't know about this anymore." He repeated, closing his eyes. "I don't know if I'm good enough."
"..."
"You yourself say it all the time. She's perfect, I'm flawed. She's beautiful, I'm ugly. She's a princess, and I'm an ape." He ran his hand through his hair, eyes glassy with frustration. "Sometimes I stop and wonder how I managed to snag such a perfect woman."
"Kamijou..."
"I know this isn't like me, but I can't help but feel inadequate." He continued. "This is the only thing in my life that was ever made me second guess a decision I've made so seriously. I just don't know. Maybe this was a bad...!" Kuroko grabbed Kamijou's arm and slammed him against the alter, twisting him around like she was going to cuff and arrest him.
"Listen up." Kuroko hissed. "I'm going to give it to you straight. Onee-sama is far out of your league, that much is true. Every doubt you have is completely logical and justified. She's perfect, you're not."
"Then why..."
"But Onee-sama would not have wasted five and a half years of her life with you had she not thought you were worth it." These words silenced Kamijou, and Kuroko continued, "I don't care for you whatsoever, but I know enough to say confidently you're being a total jackass."
"S-Shirai..."
"Yeah, so the whole of Academy City doesn't get it. Yeah, a lot of people are wondering how the Railgun fell for a Level 0. Sure, no one thinks you're worthy of her, myself included. But you know what? None of those opinions should mean anything to you." Kuroko glared at the back of his head, rage flowing through her. "She thinks you're worth it, and that's all you should care about." Kuroko released him, and he stayed where he was, silent. After a moment, he chuckled and turned, that usual confidence once again shining through.
"Thanks for that, Shirai." He said. "I needed someone to hurt me and tell it to me straight."
"Yeah, whatever..." Kuroko muttered, looking away. Kamijou sighed.
"I feel like you're not as against this as you're trying to appear." He said wistfully.
"Don't get your hopes up, I hate you." Kuroko quickly responded.
"Shirai!" Kuroko and Kamijou looked towards the main door, where Saten Ruiko was standing. The raven haired girl wore a dress that matched Kuroko's, but her expression was much more frantic. "I need your help!"
"Huh?" Kuroko asked, but Saten stormed towards her and grabbed her wrist, pulling her away. "W-What's the matter? Saten!"
"It's Misaka."
Kuroko followed Saten inside the room where every man was forbidden to go, and was greeted with quite the sight. Uiharu, Misaka's mother, and the bride herself occupied the room. However, both Uiharu and the elder Misaka were seated and watching with pained eyes, while Kuroko's Onee-sama paced back and forth, eyes full of fear.
"Onee-sama?" Kuroko asked. "Is something the matter?" Misaka looked over at Kuroko for a second or two, before returning to her panicked pacing. Kuroko looked over at Saten, who shrugged. This was clearly the problem. "Onee-sama." Kuroko said, stopping Misaka by placing a hand on her shoulder. "You need to get ready, it's about to start." The Railgun said nothing for a moment, before she sighed.
"I can't do this." She whispered, making everyone gasp.
"M-Misaka!" Uiharu said, "Don't say that, you can totally do this!"
"No, I can't!" Misaka said, sitting and covering her face. "I-I can't..."
"Why's that, Mikoto-chan?" Misaka's mother asked, sitting next to her daughter and wrapping her arm around her.
"I can't go out there and say that stuff to him..." She replied quietly. "I can't act like a wife, I don't know how. I certainly don't know how to..." Misaka stopped mid-sentence before she looked away, face flushed. "A-Anyway, I'm in over my head."
"But aren't you happy?" Saten asked with a frown. "You seemed so excited about it."
"I-I was!" Misaka replied. "B-But, I don't have any clue what I'm supposed to do." Kuroko watched her Onee-sama wallow in confusion and indecision, unsure of what to say.
Kamijou was unsure of himself as well, but for different reasons...
"It's not that I don't want to." Misaka said, breaking Kuroko's train of thought. "But when I think about it, I get so unsure and nervous I want to drop dead."
"Oh don't be silly, every women feels like that on her wedding day." Misuzu tried, hoping to lighten the mood. It didn't work, as no one said anything or chuckled at all. In fact, it only seemed to make the atmosphere that much worse. Kuroko sighed. Looked like it was up to her to solve this.
"Kamijou said he wasn't sure either." She said, making everyone look at her in shock.
"T-Touma said that?" Misaka asked, and Kuroko nodded.
"He said he didn't feel like he was worthy of you after all."
"Ugh, that idiot!" Misaka hissed, eyes now narrowed in frustration. "How many times have I told him to not think like that?! He's completely worth it!"
"I told him so, and it seemed to cheer him up some." Kuroko agreed, ignoring the looks of utter disbelief she got from Uiharu and Saten for saying she'd reassured Kamijou. "So, why is it you can't do this again?" Misaka sighed and played with her hands.
"I don't know how..." She whispered. "It hadn't crossed my mind until now that I'd have to act 'wifey' and such. It just isn't my thing."
"Why would Kamijou marry you and assume you'd change any?" Kuroko asked. Misaka made a face.
"W-What?" Kuroko sighed. It was a wonder these two had gotten this far.
"Kamijou asked you out and you dated for years because he liked you for who you are." Kuroko explained. "If we wanted a girl who'd never insult him or always cook him dinner, he should've looked elsewhere."
"Hey! I can do that stuff!"
"I'm not saying you can't, I'm saying it's silly to worry over such things. If Kamijou didn't leave you after five years of the same old same old, I doubt it'd make that big of a difference to him. Besides, he's an ape. Just throw him a banana every once and a while and he'll be fine." This at least got a chuckle. As Misaka made a face, someone knocked on the door.
"Yes?" Saten asked.
"Hurry up and get third-rate ready." A hoarse voice from the other side of the door said. "The ceremony's about to start." The sound of him walking away could be heard, and Kuroko turned back to find Misaka looking stunned.
"Last Order must've made him come..." She murmured. "There's no way he came on his own free will..."
"Can you do it?" Kuroko asked. "Or is this canceled?" Misaka made a face as she thought it over, everyone waiting with baited breath, Kuroko included. She did not want to be the one to report the bride got cold feet. Misaka closed her eyes before she looked up, determination spreading across her features.
"I can do it." She said, making the others squeal in happiness. Kuroko tried to smile, but a rock settled in the middle of her stomach. She watched as her Onee-sama blushed furiously. "I-I still have to go out there and say all that stuff in front of everyone..."
"Oh don't be so shy, Misaka!" Saten said. "You'll be fine." Kuroko took this chance to retreat from the room, opting to lean against the wall outside it. She could hear the girls inside scrambling to get everything ready, but she wasn't thinking about that.
If I was so against this...Why didn't I take my chance to ruin it?
Kuroko stood between Saten and Uiharu on the alter, the other two bouncing in anticipation. The women doing the ceremony, some pretty looking blonde woman who had insisted on being the one to do the wedding, was also looking happy. Kamijou seemed nervous but otherwise okay, his best men beside him as well.
And then Misaka appeared at the entrance with her father.
Kuroko had seen her in her wedding gown before, but she was once again stunned by her beauty. Kuroko didn't understand how her Onee-sama was so beautiful. She was arm in arm with her father, a man Kuroko respected (She serious wondered how many times she'd end up saying those words) very much. Once they reached the alter, Her father turned to her and smiled proudly at her. They exchanged a few words quietly before she hugged him. Her father allowed Kamijou to take her hand and lead her to stand next to him, and Kuroko noticed it.
That smile.
It was the radiant one that Kuroko loved so much. The one that lit up the world around her. However, this smile seemed to have been amplified to such a proportion Kuroko couldn't help but smile herself.
...That's right. That's why I didn't try to stop this.
The ceremony started, but Kuroko ignored all of this.
I didn't stop it for that reason.
Kuroko closed her eyes and smiled. Saten elbowed her.
"Don't fall asleep!" She hissed. Kuroko nodded offhandedly, not paying attention to her friend.
If I had tried to stop the ceremony in any way, that smile would have faded. And it would have been my fault.
The blonde woman continued speaking, and she said something that made everyone laugh at was apparently Kamijou's expense. Even Misaka joined in, and Kuroko smiled as she watched her laugh.
"If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace." No one spoke. Kamijou's best men stayed quiet, Saten and Uiharu stayed quiet, the crowd full of both Kamijou and Misaka's friends and family also stayed silent.
Kuroko remained silent, and held her peace. The blonde woman smiled.
"With that, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now kiss the bride!"
Kuroko watched as Kamijou turned to Misaka, and flipped her veil. Misaka's blushing face appeared, and Kamijou smirked.
"Something the matter, Biribiri?" He asked, earning a chuckle from everyone. Misaka narrowed her eyes.
"Idiot." She murmured, grabbing him by the collar of his jacket and kissing him. The crowd roared happily as the two broke away.
As long as Onee-sama stays happy and I get to see that smile, I suppose I can deal with this.
"So," Kamijou said, his arm around his new wife, grinning like an idiot. "Kamijou Mikoto has a nice ring to it." Kuroko watched her Onee-sama blush even harder and smack his arm.
He better tone in down though, I still hate his guts.