Author's Note: This story begins right after Season 3 Episode 16 Elephant's Memory. It goes AU at the end of the episode, for reasons that are necessary Reid is unable to save Owen Savage.

LIMERENCE

.exordium

"Desperation is the raw material of drastic change. Only those who can leave behind everything they have ever believed in can hope to escape."

-William S. Burroughs

The thing is, that in order to understand the cause and effect of what came to be, you have to know how it all started. And that means the beginning of it all, the day the day that Penelope Garcia turned thirty.

Incidentally, it was the same day that the BAU had worked a case in West Bune, Texas. Where a bullied teenage boy had taken vengeance on everyone who had abused him. In the end, Reid had taken off his safety vest and tried to talk to Owen, but one of the local cops had shot him just as Owen had moved his gun.

It was the second teenager that had died in front of Dr Spencer Reid, and it was the second teenager that he'd empathized with. The boy- Owen had suffered years of bullying, something that hit too close to home with Reid.

JJ could still remember how her heart had felt when she'd heard the gunshots outside the Sheriff's office. She'd been tending to Jordan- Owen's girlfriend when her heart had stopped. The fear was palpable, once she remembered that Reid had gone outside without his vest. It was something so intense, something so terrifying that she hadn't thought twice about dropping the cup of water in her hand and running outside. But then she'd seen him standing, frozen over the body of Owen- and JJ had felt a sense of relief wash over her.

The loss they'd had that day hadn't been taken lightly. The entire ride on the Jet back to Quantico, Reid had sat alone- looking out the window silently.

From time to time, JJ would let her eyes travel from the file she was holding, to look at him, knowing it was taking a toll on him, far greater than anyone else- when her phone vibrated.

It was Will, letting her know that he was going to have to take a later flight out to Quantico. They had been planning a weekend together for over a month, something she had yet to tell the rest of the team. They shared so much, that she had been trying to keep their relationship a secret, until she was sure it was going somewhere.

"So you in tonight?" Morgan interrupted her thoughts, and she blinked- looking up at him.

JJ smiled up at him and put the file down, letting out a skeptical breath, "I'm sorry, what?"

"Penelope's birthday. We're all going on to celebrate it, remember?"

"Oh- right. I don't know Morgan. With this last case-I don't think I'm up for that."

That wasn't the entire truth, but she wasn't about to share the truth with him. And that was a certain southern gentleman she had started seeing from New Orleans, with a southern drawl to die for- Will LaMontagne. Ever since they had worked the case about the Ripper out in New Orleans, they'd began dating and Will had even visited her a few times out in Virginia.

Morgan leaned on the table and turned to give Reid a look too, then turned back to her, "Maybe that's exactly why we should do it. Besides with everything that's happened to Garcia, don't you think she deserves some attention?"

He had a point, and the more she thought it over, the more she realized that Penelope would never forgive her for missing her birthday bash.

JJ inhaled deeply and smiled, then lowered her voice a little while casting a glance at Spencer, "Of course- you're right….What about-"

"Don't worry about the Reid, I'll get him there."

"Like he'll agree to go", JJ flickered her eyes over at him again then back at Morgan with a whisper, "You and I both know where he was the other evening. He could-"

"Which is exactly why I'm bringing him along….I remember what happened too. It hasn't been that long. Trust me, what the kid needs is some fun…what could go wrong?"

JJ nodded. Morgan was right. What could possibly go wrong, with letting Reid have some fun?

xxxoxxxo

Quantico- BAU office

Days like these were the ones where Reid truly questioned what he was doing in the BAU. If he, a conventional genius with an IQ of 187 couldn't save a teen, then what was the point?

He placed a strand of his hair behind his ear as he filed away the latest case they'd just been on, and went to grab his messenger bag, to leave- when he was startled by Morgan.

"Hey Kid- want to carpool with us to the bar?" He asked lightly.

Reid blinked back the surprise of Morgan's presence and smiled nervously shaking his head, "No. Thanks, but I think I'm going to pass. Not really in the mood."

Morgan snickered, and offered him his signature half smile, placing an arm around his shoulders and pulling him towards the glass double doors of the BAU.

"Like hell you are. Look man, you need to relax, and Penelope will never forgive you for missing her birthday."

It would have been relatively easy to continue to argue with Morgan until he got his way. After all, his head was swirling with the decision that he'd made on the jet ride, and his chest had been filled with anticipation of the half-full bottle of Dilaudid that he kept in his medicine cabinet.

He wasn't going to take it- he never did, after all it had been ten months. But there was something strangely comforting about holding it in his hands, and knowing the power he had over it.

However, the more he'd thought about it- the more he knew just how vulnerable he was at that moment. And the sudden fear that he'd felt when just a thought of that vial, ignited a cool rush at the pit of his stomach, made him think that perhaps, being alone was not the best decision at that moment.

So he smiled back complacently, and blinked, "So…where to?"

xxxoxxxo

PGs Bar

It came as no surprise to Reid that Garcia's bar of choice was just as quirky and eccentric as she was. There were upside down Japanese cherry blossom parasols hanging from the ceiling and china tea sets that had been super glued to the walls.

On any other given day, Reid knew that he would have already been explaining the contradictions in the bar's decor, but he couldn't muster the energy to care. But also, normally at that point, he knew that Morgan would have been fishing for the reason of his sulking and would have attempted to make him feel better, but he was too preoccupied that night with making sure Garcia was enjoying herself. After her near death experience, he'd been doing everything to make her happy.

And to be honest, Reid was relieved. He didn't want attention from Morgan or anyone else on how he felt. Instead there was a comforting note about basking in his despondency that he liked. Even while he sipped from an ambiguous blue drink that Garcia had ordered for him.

It had only a tinge of alcohol in it from what he could tell, and therefore had let himself enjoy the second one, without regard of how much alcohol he was actually consuming.

"Have you seen Prentiss?" a slightly inebriated JJ asked him, taking the stool next to him at the bar.

Reid nodded his head, and rested both elbows lazily on the bar, "I saw her leaving with one of the bartenders. She thought she was sneaking out, but I caught her."

JJ raised both her eyebrows, and took a sip of Reid's drink without asking him. Her eyes popped open and looked up at him, "What is this? Its really good?"

He shrugged his shoulders, motioning for the bartender to come over, "I have no idea, Garcia ordered it for me….Speaking of which, have you seen either her or Morgan?"

Reid searched the bar with his squinting eyes, but couldn't spot them.

"I'll have one of these please", JJ told the guy making the drinks and turned back around to Reid, "I can't believe they ditched us."

"They wouldn't do that. Besides, its Penelope's birthday, I doubt she would have already left. Don't you think?"

JJ raised an eyebrow, taking a sip from her drink and smiled, "If she got lucky, I doubt she'd even say goodbye. What about Morgan?"

"Didn't you see him with that brunette? I'm pretty sure he left with her." he slurred to JJ, finishing the rest of his blue cocktail.

JJ frowned, "Wow. I guess its just the two of us then. Want to share a cab?"

Reid nodded, a little relieved that everyone had apparently left. He had been more than ready to leave an hour before, and the invitation from JJ to share a cab was perfect.

But as he got up from the stool to take out his wallet, he realized that he'd left it in his messenger bag at Quantico.

"What's wrong?" asked JJ, who'd already paid for her drinks.

Reid bit his lip, and looked at her embarrassedly, "I left my wallet in my bag at the office…"

xxxoxxxo

Next Morning

JJ's Apartment

There were always a few minutes in the morning, right when JJ woke up, where she could enjoy the silence and the rays of sun that came in through her window. Her apartment was one of the only units in the building that got a lot of natural light, and it always reminded her of her home in Vermont.

For a few seconds she could almost pretend that she lived a normal life, a life where serial killers were just a distant thought. Where her biggest worries were what she was going to have for breakfast, and what she was going to do that day.

But when JJ blinked her eyes open on that particular morning- she didn't see the sun or a familiar ringing of her phone- no what her eyes took in made her stomach drop.

What she saw was a slumbering, naked, slightly snoring Reid laying in bed next to her.

Without thinking much about it, she got up in a fright and pulled her satin robe off the chair close to her bed, wrapping it around herself. JJ ran a hand down her hair and let her feet tread silently on the wooden floor of her apartment, attempting to remember the events of the night before.

She knew that they'd all drank to celebrate Garcia's birthday, but she hadn't drank that much.

It was in the middle of her muddled thoughts, that she heard a groan and turned to see him move in her bed. She watched as he quickly realized he wasn't in his own bed, and sat up- but soon regretted it, because he held his head in his hands.

"Hi", JJ whispered shakily, with a couple fingers to her lips and wide eyes.

Reid looked up, letting his mouth drop open before swallowing, "JJ?"

His chest rose and fell and JJ watched as he turned his eyes away from her to search the room before speaking up again, "Wha-what am I doing here?"

She swallowed and attempted to stay calm, "I don't know?"

"Did we…?" Reid couldn't finish the sentence.

JJ couldn't answer, merely searched her room to see the evidence. Both their clothes had been carelessly thrown throughout her room. She didn't need anymore evidence to know what had happened.

Before either of them could say anything else, JJ's phone began to vibrate, and she quickly picked it up to see the message.

She swallowed, "We have to go to the office- we have a new case."

Chapter 1 Preview:

"This is a complete mess. What if they can tell?" JJ murmured, biting the tip of her fingertip.

Reid, who had awkwardly bent down to tie his shoe in the elevator, shrugged his shoulders, "JJ, I doubt anyone will be able to tell what happened. Besides, if anyone asks, we'll tell them the truth. That I slept over because I left my keys here."