Christmas Special: Sharingananigans

Sasuke twitched violently as he lay in the flooded lobby of his place of business. But it wasn't flooded in the traditional sense – y'know, with water or some other liquid. No. It was flooded with nutcrackers, bottles of sake, Christmas cards, and candy canes. Amongst other… less innocent gifts. Like lingerie. Sasuke shuddered at all the lingerie lying around.

And he couldn't do anything about it, because there was that much stuff lying around. Stuff that impeded movement of any kind.

"Who the fuck let the Delivery-nin in here? I thought I told you idiots not to let anyone in!" Sasuke snarled. He cast a Sharingan glare around the room, making his employees all feel uncomfortable. At last his livid gaze rested upon Suigetsu, who didn't even pretend to look offended at being scrutinized. "This is your doing, isn't it?"

"Well… Um… Yes?" Suigetsu waved Sasuke off dismissively even as his Sharingan whirled to form his Eternal Mangekyo Sharingan. "Hey, in my defense, the guy was under a Transformation. A… Sexy… Transformation…"

Suigetsu drooled a little at the memory, but promptly liquefied his body when Sasuke spat a Fireball his way. Karin rolled her eyes at their antics and asked the obvious question that was on many of their minds.

"Why did you even receive all these gifts at once? I thought your fangirl fanbase evaporated when you went rogue."

"This is Itachi's doing," Sasuke spat like it was the vilest word in existence. Which was weird considering that Sasuke loved his brother, but… "This is payback for the Carolers. Petty revenge, the fool. This is nothing. If he can hypnotize my old fangirls into sending me shit, just wait until I hypnotize his old fanbase. Even after he made my childhood all tragic and emo, my fanbase paled in comparison to what was once his. It's his hair. His pretty, silky, luscious hair. Feh. Thinks his hair's so great…"

"Uh… Sasuke… I don't think your brother is responsible for this."

Sasuke whipped his head around to face Jugo. The ginger-haired young man who thankfully hadn't gone berserk in all this chaos.

"Don't let his bishonen good looks fool you, Jugo! He just wants you to think he is innocent! … But I know he isn't… I know…"

Jugo held up a card and waved it around a little.

"No! Your mother mailed you a card that explains what all this is. Apparently you're going to get married."

Sasuke balked at the revelation.

"Married? To who?"

"To all these fangirls, apparently." Jugo shrugged his shoulders. "She pulled the Clan Restoration Act on you. I'm not sure why or how, considering your clan isn't extinct anymore, but…"

Sasuke shook his head vigorously.

"No. No, Mother would not do that to me. I am Mother's Favorite. The Sharingan can copy a person's handwriting style; this is most definitely Itachi's doing. Itachi traumatized me once with the Clan Massacre – that's a pattern. He's just trying to traumatize me again… Silly Itachi… Stupid Itachi… I will not fall your trickery…"

Sai looked thoughtful as he tilted his head to the side.

"True. Who would want to marry someone with a limp dick like you, Duck Butt?"

But Sasuke didn't hear him – he was too caught up in his unintelligible mutterings about how Itachi was behind this fiasco and how he would be getting him back for this, oh yes he would… Ino shook her head at the pitiful display. And to think she had liked the Uchiha up until a few years ago.

But now she knew the truth. Sasuke was stark-raving mad, and she was better off with someone else. Thank Kami she was able to turn Mrs. Uchiha down when she came calling to see if she was interested in marrying Sasuke, amongst several other women.

Ino did not want her children to be revenge-obsessed or big-time conspiracy theorists.

"Sasuke, I think your mother really is behind this," Ino insisted. "She's already got at least ten women lined up to marry you, and they were all a part of the Sasuke Uchiha Fan Club back in our Academy days. Not all of them made it out of the Academy, but they still have shrines in their closet dedicated to you. Your mom told me aaall about them. She even asked me to marry you, and I refused."

Karin squawked at that last one.

"You turned down the opportunity to marry this fine hunk of meat?! How could you?!"

Ino rolled her eyes.

"Karin, honey, I got over Sasuke a looong time ago. There's more to a relationship than just looks. If you base a relationship on that, it's gonna fall apart real fast. Even when I was into him, he never gave me the time of day; he went rogue just so he could 'gain power' to defeat his brother. And when he finally achieved it, what does he do? He turns his revenge obsession elsewhere – specifically on our village. It took Naruto's Therapy Jutsu to get him to be loyal again, but that didn't cure him of his insanity. Do you not hear what he's muttering about right now? He's trying to rationalize how Itachi is behind all of this, when clearly it's just a case that his mother wants grandbabies. Lots and lots of grandbabies. So yeah, I turned Mrs. Uchiha down."

Sasuke scoffed at Ino's assertions. She was blind. They all were, to think that his mother was behind all of this!

"No. Itachi must have cast a Genjutsu on you, or was simply under a Transformation to look like Mother! He is incredibly crafty like a weasel… but do not let him fool you! He wants you to drop your guard. He lures you into a false sense of security, and then wham, he's got you!"

"Dude," Suigetsu muttered. "You've got it bad. You think Itachi's behind global warming."

"Amaterasu tends to have that sort of effect." Sasuke sniffed imperiously.

"You think he wants to initiate an epic 'Forehead Poke' between your Susano'o and his." Ino deadpanned.

"I won't let him! Ever!"

"Some days you think he casts a Tsukuyomi on you to make you think he has a bigger dick," Sai reasoned.

"That is a boldfaced lie! … Although now that you mention it…"

"You think Itachi is the reason the refrigerator light turns on and off," Jugo spoke up lightly – while he did respect Sasuke greatly, no one was perfect…

"And someday I'll catch him!"

"Oi! Lay off! Sasuke-kun might have some eccentricities, but he was traumatized by Itachi at a young age!" Karin defended the man of her dreams. So the guy might theorize that Itachi is the reason they're a bit strapped for cash in their clinic right now… (Which might not be totally unfounded; it's not like they had a professional treasurer like Itachi had Kakuzu…) And he might have Chidoried her to get to Danzo… That was no reason to tease the poor tortured soul.

Sasuke-kun was so dreamy. And tragic. And emo.

Sasuke nodded stiffly at Karin. At least someone was getting it. Yes. Of course he was right. Sasuke was always right.

"Okay then. Now that we're all agreed this is Itachi's fault, we're going to get him back tenfold. Karin, I need you to go out and get as much pink glitter as you can get your grubby little hands on. Suigetsu, fetch liberal amounts of paint, preferably in bright, neon colors. Jugo, I'm going to need you to cut loose for a bit – in Itachi's establishment! Sai, Ino, go and get as much wrapping paper and big boxes as you can retrieve."

"What are you going to do?" Ino asked sarcastically. Sasuke stared at her as if she was a stupid blonde – which, to him, she was.

"I will be on Coal Collecting duty, of course. We need plenty of it." He began to cackle maniacally as he imagined the look on Itachi's face when he saw he was getting nothing but coal for Christmas. Yes. It would be glorious.

"And how do you propose we get out of all this shit, genius?" Suigetsu drawled, nodding to all the gifts lying around them.

Sasuke sighed at the inane question. Idiots. He was surrounded by idiots.

"Amaterasu!" And then they were all in a sea of roaring black flames.

… Needless to say, Sasuke's plan to torch everything with Amaterasu did not go over well with his coworkers. Ino made sure to make her displeasure known via Mind Transfer Jutsu, turning off the dangerous black flames, and having Sasuke repeatedly punch himself. The others soon joined in beating the Uchiha by throwing various objects at him – even Karin, who did not like Sasuke endangering her life… again…

Meanwhile, Itachi sat in his office sipping tea, watching all of this unfold in Sasuke's lobby from a hidden camera on the ceiling. Sometimes revenge was best served through the act of delegation. Of course he knew all about his mother and Lady Kushina's program to 'rehabilitate' the Sannin – he was even aware that they were based in Root's old stomping grounds below the village, just… significantly, disturbingly refurbished.

Basically, he sent a Shadow Clone to impress an idea upon his Mother: 'Make Sasuke Happy through the Clan Restoration Act.' Didn't matter that their clan was brought back; the true purpose was entertainment anyway. His Foolish Little Brother had become asexual, but in a matter of years that would hopefully change.

His Mother had never even suspected that 'strand of hair' in front of her face had been his Shadow Clone under a clever Transformation Jutsu. Genjutsu was toootally his forte; she never suspected a thing.

Much to Itachi's delight, his coworkers approved of his devious plan, and were watching the show unfold with him. Yes, it was good to be Itachi Uchiha, Head Therapist of Itachi Uchiha's Get-Better Therapy Clinic.

Mikoto Uchiha could not contain her wily smirk no longer as she watched the three screens in front of her. She was getting to torture the Sannin, set her youngest son up with wives, and trick her eldest son into thinking he had pulled one over on her. When in actuality, she had placed a subtle Genjutsu on him to impress an idea on her to put the Clan Restoration Act to use.

What can she say? Mikoto was bored, bored, bored, and her sons' rivalry was amusing nowadays. The icing on the cake was that Itachi would get the blame for this fiasco; little Sasuke-kun's conspiracy theories were just so adorable! And his faith in her, while it might have been slightly misplaced, truly made Sasuke her undeniable Favorite. His naivety was just so cute! He got that aaall from Fugaku, such a sweet, innocent child…

Now on the topic of Fugaku…

Author's Note:

Not as long as I wanted it to be, but I wanted a little something to get out on Christmas (Eve). I actually wanted this in the last chapter, but I've been so focused on the Leaf, so I opted not to include it there. But… Here it is, so I hope you enjoyed.

I actually had a little scene for 'Bito, too, but… That's not so much 'Sharingananigans' in his case. And I wanna do him justice since I've been torturing him so.

No Review Replies this time, that'll come in the next addendum. As labeled, this is a Christmas Special, so it kinda breaks up the chapter count even more. But I do appreciate all of my duckies, and I hope you all have a Merry Christmas! ^^