So, uh, hey. This is...this is a thing.

Okay, quick explanation. Recently I've been thinking a lot, it's a dangerous habit but I do do it. Recently I was thinking about Abridged Series, you know them probably, you've probably stumbled into one if you are a member of any fandom at some point. And Thomas and Friends is one of my favorite fandoms, so I figured why the hell not? Now, you're more than likely going to start getting the nails and constructing wooden effigies to nail me on, but it's just a bit of fun. I love this show, and if it looks like I'm making fun of it, it's no more so than any other Thomas humor story there.

Anywhoo, let's start, where else, at the beginning! Mr Campbell, Mr O'Donnell, if you would be so kind.

1. 2. 3.

CUE THE THEME

...

Mr Starr.

MR STARR.

What? Whazat?

It's the show.

What show?

That show! The new one! The train one!

Sweet god alive, you were serious? i just thought you were taking me on a free vacation before you fired me!

Fired you? We're not a bloody record company! Though considering how the last album went-

What was that?

Nothing. Just...read the script. Or not. Hell, go off the script, just go tangentially to what this story's about.

Fine. Bloody...right, script here. Ahem.

...

Thomas is many things. A prat. A lover of many (Or so he tells himself every night to try and make himself feel better), but he's also a tank engine, who lives at the big station on the Island of Sodor.

Now many of you might be asking two things. One, what the hell is a engine doing living in a station? And two, what the hell's a sodor?

Well, to answer your first question, shut up, and to answer your second question, The Hebdrides as part of the Diocese of Sodor and Man...

No, I don't what that means either, shut up.

Also, yes there are talking trains on this Island. There's probably a reason but I don't care and quite frankly, I don't think any of you want me to waste time with explaining it. Moving on.

He's a cheeky little sod, with six small wheels-

"AYE! Less of that now!"

-a short stumpy funnel, a short stumpy boiler and a short stumpy dome.

"LESS OF THE STUMPY TOO. Mine's bigger than yours."

Thomas is also in the habit of repeating things he really shouldn't be. Have you ever worked at a railway? The lonely nights'll do some cynical stuff to ya!

...

Knapford Station was a bit like a Youth Club. Filled with yobs, busy and smelling of wee.

Thomas was a fussy little engine too, always pulling coaches about so that the big engines could take them on long journeys.

That's right. Read into that what you will. The coaches were literally on the pull.

I'll just, leave then shall I?

Also, don't ask why the big green hippie over there is pulling trucks at the end of his train. This is back when people actually paid attention to details like this in the scripts.

Anyway, and when trains came in, he pulls the empty coaches away so the big engines can go and rest. Now some argued that this was unfair considering that the coaches never got a say in this, but most of the engines blew them off. Unlike the coaches that never- You know what, I'll not go on. Anyway, the Feminists had yet to start campaigning repeatedly outside Sir Topham Hatt's door, so yeah. Coaches are stuck like that for now.

...

"Oh come on guys, let me in, let me in!"

"So Henry." said a big blue engine loudly to block out Thomas pleading to join the big boys club. "What were you saying about Thatcher?"

"Oh, you know." said the morose Henry, rumored to have taken some illegal substances before arriving to the Island which had messed him up badly. "It's all going to go to hell, you see."

"Is he always like this?"

Henry looked at the red engine with bafflement. "Uh...you're not supposed to be here."

"Look, I'm the new engine, I'm Ja-"

Continuity, while still breached, was appeased when Henry forcibly marched the red engine out of the sidings. Passing them, the pleading Thomas looked at the red one and ignored him. Not like they'd cross paths again.

"And I swear to god, you're not even supposed to be here until at least the seventh episode!"

"Well it's not my FAULT IS IT WATCH WHERE YOU'RE PUTTING THOSE BUFFERS."

...

Anyway, Thomas thinks that no engine works as hard as he does. He's a idiot.

He loves playing tricks on the other engines, including (And cue the fanfare) Gordon, the biggest and proudest engine of them all!

Lovely fanfare lads.

Thomas likes whistling rudely at him. Not like the rude whistling he does to the coaches, that usually ends up earning him a time out from Daddy Hatt. No, this was a completely different type of whistling.

"Wake up Lazy Bones! Why can't you work hard like me?!" Thomas smirked, sure that he had bested Gordon in a battle of wits, as he backed up onto a train being pulled by Marklin, the Background Engine.

The crunching noise indicated to Thomas that he had better move or the incredibly out of breath controller would puff up and give him a scolding. Once he had his breath back. Marklin was distraught, he had had his own show lined up and everything.

"DAMN YOU THOMAS!" He roared, shaking his...whatever they have in place of fists. It was a feeble sight anyway, and Thomas skipped away, laughing merrily while Gordon considered hiring Marklin to kill Thomas. It was at that moment that a camera flash awoke him from his coma, and he screamed at the nosy photographers who had taken a picture of his gaping maw of a mouth.

...

One day after pulling the big express (Not the medium one. The medium was for people like Marklin who never had any dreams.) Gordon arrived back at the Sidings (Aka, the local pub) very tired. This may or may not have had something to do with stealing Henry's stash of coal the previous night and dreaming that he had become a tree.

He was just going to sleep when Thomas came up in his cheeky and annoying way. "Wake up lazybones! Do some hard work for a change! You can't catch me!" As a flash picture went off again, and the photographers make a sneaky exit via Thomas's retreating back, off he ran, laughing.

Gordon stewed for a long time that night. Not the least because his driver was a slob who enjoyed making stew in his boiler. Rumors that this contributed to Gordon's people skills had not stopped him. His fireman was no better, as he had begun to roast marshmallows in his fire.

But Gordon also thought a great deal. Instead of going to sleep again, like any sane engine would, he began to think of how to get back at Thomas.

At that moment, Henry's Driver, Carlin, shambled over. "Hey ****!" He said (He spoke in asterisks a lot, he was a very strange man.) "You taken my ******* stash!?"

"No we haven't taken your ******* stash!" said Gordon's driver, who was good friends with Mr Carlin really.

And so the argument went on, as Mr Carlin said several words that can't be aired on television and Gordon came up with a cunning plan.

Cue the next morning transition and...

...

There we go!

One non specific morning, probably pretty soon after the previous one, but who can tell here Anyway, on that morning, Thomas wouldn't wake up. Okay, let's rephrase that. Thomas was too much of a lazy sod to get out of the sheds. His driver and fireman couldn't make him start. They had tried everything from pleading ("We'll even buy you that new fangled Atari thingamie!") to threatening ("If you don't get out of this shed right this second, we will...POINT AT YOU. Until you submit.") to using jump leads (This resulted in Thomas starting, but also in his fireman getting shocked.) At last they realized that his fire was out and there was not enough steam. Usually this meant that his fireman would have been...well, fired, but the man was currently spitting out blue sparks, so they figured it would be cruel.

It was nearly time for the express. The people were waiting but the coaches weren't ready. Now, one might ask why the Fat Dictator did not just get another tank engine to do his work. Sadly, he had made a surprising mistake in only buying one tank engine. This would bite him on the arse soon enough, but for now he was reduce to pleading with several people to please not beat him up, especially not in front of his son.

At last, Thomas started with a jerk (But enough about his driver) and a desire for some cold water. And some aspirin. "Oh dear! Oh dear!" He groaned loudly, causing the dazed fireman to see if Santa had come.

He fussed into the station (After only three wrong turns and a visit into a barber shop) where Gordon was waiting, the latter having got a fairly decent sun tan in the time it had taken.

"Hurry up you!" grunted Gordon the Polite Engine.

"Hurry yourself!" said Thomas, his mind still in a pleasant dream of Ivor The Engine reruns. Gordon began making his plan (The previous plan having been disregarded, as he wasn't entirely sure where he was going to get a sniper rifle from, nor how to operate it).

"Yes." said Gordon the Subtle Engine. "I WILL!" at such a pitch that people in China could infer his meaning. However, Thomas's brain was still five minutes behind everyone else's, so he didn't catch it.

And almost before the coaches had stopped moving, Gordon was reversed quickly and was coupled to the train. This had the side-effect of jolting everyone back and sending Topham Hatt into a major panic. "Get in quickly please!" He whistled.

"WE ARE IN YOU LITTLE BUG-" One particular passenger was cut off when one of the doors was slammed in his face.

Thomas usually pushed behind the big trains to help them start. But he was always uncoupled first. This time Gordon started so quickly that:

A: He accidentally squashed a bird on the track.

B: The workman coupling and uncoupling was so shocked that he somehow forgot his job, which as a result led to:

C: They forgot to uncoule Thomas.

Gordon's chance had come!

In the carriages, the Brass Band began playing one of their tunes, as they always did when Gordon pulled the express. Apparently it helped appease the very angry passengers.

As they pulled out of Knapford and past the Bus Yard, Gordon smirked and mentally counted in his head. Three minutes.

"Come on come on!" puffed Gordon to the coaches.

"You're the one pulling us!" pointed out a particularly smart coach.

Gordon didn't respond.

The train went faster and faster, and as they reached the Ballahoo Tunnel, Thomas finally caught on. "Wait, what do you mean "You Will?!"" He then did a double take as the events of the last five minutes caught up with him. "Oh BALLS!" he shouted aloud. It was too fast for Thomas, he wanted to stop but he couldn't. "PEEP PEEP!" He shouted for no reason. "Stop stop!"

"Hurry hurry hurry!" laughed Gordon the Sadistic Engine.

"You can't get away, you can't get away!" laughed the coaches, intent on emasculating the out of puff Thomas even more than he already felt.

...

As the Brass Band began the crescendo, Gordon reached the viaduct. Poor Thomas (He said in sarcastic tones) was going faster than he had ever gone before. He was out of breath and his wheels hurt but he had to go on! "I shall never be the same again!" he declared in a vain attempt to make Gordon feel guilty. "My wheels will be worn out!"

"Oh shut up you bloody queen!" snapped Gordon as he proudly raced past the hills and came to a gradual stop at Wellsworth.

Thomas was uncoupled ("TOO LITTLE TOO LATE!" he snapped angrily at a workman, who promptly gave up his job of helping talking trains to do something easier. Like diffusing mines) and he felt very silly and exhausted. Next he went onto a turntable, thinking of everyone laughing at him.

Which wasn't hard considering that Gordon was holding a 'MOCKING THOMAS' party on the station. The photographers, Messers Allcroft and Milton, were watching Thomas with interest. As if an idea was coming into their minds.

And then he ran onto a siding out of the way.

"Well well little Thomas! Now you know what hard work means, don't you!?"

Thomas tried to work out a one liner that would break Gordon's confidence and send him screaming for his maker, but he had no breath. He just puffed slowly and brokenly away to rest. And then he had a long, long drink. Read into that what you will

He went home very slowly (And with the viaduct wobbling, he was not entirely convinced that someone hadn't hidden a stash of alcohol in there) and was careful afterwards never to be cheeky to Gordon again.

At least that's what he told himself.

...

Unfortunately, after completing the money shot, Thomas re-entered Knapford exhausted and drunk out of his tiny tank engine mind. Which meant that when Marklin pulled out in front of him-

CRUNCH.

When Thomas awoke the next day, he discovered that he had very little memory of the previous day's events. After reading about it in the paper (Well, Mr Carlin read it to him) he decided that being cheeky to Gordon would be his life's work from this moment onwards.

And elsewhere, Allcroft and Milton were sitting down with a TV executive, developing their videos.

"This is great!" enthused the executive. "Can you get more?"

There was a pause as both looked at each other.

...

"YOU WHAT?!"

Gordon cringed. "Sir, it was a totally justifiable incident!"

"Do you realize how many COMPLAINTS I HAD!?" Sir Topham was livid. This was a shock to many, as they thought he was Topham Hatt. "If this ever gets out, my railway will be a LAUGHING STOCK!"

"Funny you should mention that." Two figures stepped out. "Hello Sir, we've got something to show you."

Topham grunted and looked over their shoulders. He did a horrified double take. "Uh, we-we can discuss this!"

"Funny you should mention that." Mitton threw a companionable arm around Topham's shoulder "Because we've got a TV show we'd like to sell you."