so you can pretty much go ahead and blame BeneathTheUmbrella for 100% of this story. whoops.

1.

It started like this: Marshall and Lily had just settled in coming back from Rome. Ted and Tracy had recently celebrated their first New Year's as a couple. Mickey was babysitting the kids.

Clearly, a double date was in order.

"Actually, it was a lot of fun," Ted says a couple of days later, at the booth. "Marshall had some robiola piemonte they'd discovered in Italy, and Lily made us some really great risotto alla milanese, with saffron and veal marrow."

"Then we played charades for a while and looked at pictures from Italy," Tracy finishes, sipping her coke with a straw.

"That sounds… horrible," says Barney, aghast.

"Ugh," says Robin, shuddering.

2.

"Oh, I forgot to mention," Ted says later, walking back to their apartment, "Lily asked if we wanted to have another double-date sometime soon."

"Hey, that sounds great," Tracy says, bundling her scarf over her mouth and chin. "I had a great time." They walk in comfortable silence for half a block. "By the way, why are the Stinsons so anti cheese-and-party games?"

"Long story," says Ted. "Also, they're a pair of total weirdos."

Tracy laughs and hits his arm. "Come on, I have time."

Ted takes in a breath. "In the fall of 2009…"

3.

"Pffff," says Lily, setting down a plate of appetisers before Ted and Tracy. "Barney and Robin don't know what they're missing."

"And back in the fall of 2009? We had a great time," says Marshall. "One might even say… the best time ever."

"Besides, that relationship only lasted a hot second," Lily sighs. "They just weren't double-date ready."

"Huh," says Tracy, shuffling trivia cards. "Have you ever tried to invite them out again? Now that they're married and presumably stable?"

"No, we've learned our lesson," says Marshall. "They just bitch and complain. They don't know what they're missing."

"You know it," says Ted, his mouth full of stuffed fig. "Lil, Is this mascarpone?"

"With honey and fresh vanilla," Lily says. "I call the purple game piece!"

4.

"And for dessert, we had torrone semifreddo," Ted sighs, finishing his recapping of Trivial Pursuit night.

"You know," says Robin, leaning forward, "the way you keep over-pronouncing the Italian food is kind of douchey."

"The way Lily's stuck on Italian food is kind of douchey," Barney says, returning from the bar with two glasses of scotch, one of which he hands to his wife. "Have they not noticed they're back in America now?"

"You're just jealous," says Ted.

"Ted, if I wanted Italian food, I'd fly to Italy," says Barney.

"Well, if you guys are feeling left out," Tracy says, pulling on her jacket, "I'm sure Lily and Marshall would be thrilled to have you over."

"Feeling left out? Us? Come on!" Robin snorts.

"Sure," says Ted, rising from the booth. "Anyway, we have to get going. Tonight we're having a wine tasting and playing Pictionary!"

"Yeah, enjoy your montefalco rosso," Robin says in a passable imitation of Ted.

She and Barney drink their scotches alone.

5.

"We so called it!" Ted says, brushing snow off his coat as he and Tracy bundle into Marshall and Lily's apartment. "They're totally jealous! They'll be calling you guys about Monopoly night any day now!"

"I don't know…" Lily says distractedly.

"Ugh, I don't play Monopoly with Barney anymore," Marshall says, emerging from the kitchen with a bottle of Tuscan wine. "He starts going on about investment strategy and financial regulation; next thing I know, he's jacked up the rent on Vermont Avenue, calling it gentrification, and telling me Boardwalk is worthless due to property taxes."

"Oh, dude," Tracy says, "That's why I never, ever buy Boardwalk. Talk about short-termism at its finest!" She snorts a laugh.

The others share concerned looks. "Maybe we should just play Boggle tonight," says Lily.

6.

"Are you guys going over to Marshall and Lily's again tonight?" Robin asks, digging through a bowl of peanuts.

"They couldn't get a sitter," says Tracy.

Ted is coming back to the booth; Barney stands and grabs him by the elbow. "Ted, sidebar!" he says, starting to drag.

"Hey!" says Ted, indicating the four glasses in his hands.

Barney allows him to put them down on the table, then grabs him again. "Ted, sidebar." He drags Ted into the men's bathroom.

"This is weird," says Ted.

"I have a proposition for you," Barney says, leaning his hand against the wall behind Ted.

"Weirder," says Ted.

Barney leans in close. "Wanna go out on the town? Alcohol, cigars…"

"You're the only one of us who still smokes…"

"well-fitted suits… the streets of New York… and our women?"

"Robin lets you call her that?"

Barney leans in even closer, his eyes dark. Ted can smell his cologne. "We can even… play laser tag."

7.

"We can not tell Lily and Marshall about this," Ted says later, in bed.

"Relax," says Tracy, snuggling up against him. "We played laser tag one time with Barney and Robin. It's no big deal."

8.

"Hey," says Robin, sliding into Ted's office. She juts out her hip and leans against his desk. With her cheeks flushed from the cold and her legs bare under her long coat, she looks dangerous.

"Hey, Robin," says Ted. "I'm really busy right now. Papers to grade and all that."

"How about later?" Robin asks, sitting on the desk outright.

"We're meeting Lily and Marshall…" Ted says apologetically.

"Sure," Robin says. She removes a folded piece of paper from her pocket, her wedding and engagement rings sparkling on her finger. "It's just there's a Central Park-wide snowball tournament this afternoon, and Barney and I were thinking…"

9.

"Those two are dangerous," says Ted that night.

"Hey! We can double date more than one couple at a time," Tracy scoffs, looking perturbed.

10.

"I feel like it's been a while since we've been on a double-date," Marshall says, handing out cheese and crackers.

"Yeah, I've been busy with work," says Ted.

"Oh my gosh, me too," says Tracy, nibbling on a cracker.

"But I really missed this," says Ted.

Lily emerges from the bedroom with a Scrabble set. "Say, Ted," she says, "you have something on your collar."

He rubs at it frantically, and his fingers come away sticky and red.

"Ooh, lipstick on the collar?" Marshall chuckles, as Tracy guiltily reaches for another cracker. "I remember those days."

"Tracy doesn't wear that shade…" Lily says, setting the board down, her eyes narrowing. "In fact… that looks a lot like…"

"I do so wear bright red lipstick!" Tracy laughs in a very unconvincing way.

"Theodore Mosby," Lily thunders: "have you been playing paintball?"

11.

"It's not like that!" Ted says, his and Tracy's coats in his arms as they're herded out into the hall. "We just played some paint ball, it doesn't mean anything!"

"They came onto us!" Tracy protests.

"And you just let them?" Marshall asks, gathering a distraught Lily into his arms. "After all the cheese and game nights? We had a tradition! Didn't that mean anything to you?"

"Of course it did!" says Tracy, her lip wobbling.

"It's just, you know," Ted says, swallowing, "with Barney and Robin… we could do other stuff." His voice drops. "Laser tag stuff."

"I can't believe you," says Marshall.

"I would have let you play laser tag with us," Lily says in a low voice, shaking her head. "And it would have been amazing."

12.

"Ted; Tracy," says Barney, pulling his gloves off slowly as he stands before the booth. "I know about this sweet go-cart place… want to check it out tonight?"

Ted sighs into his beer. "Barney… we can't keep doing this."

"What do you mean?" Barney's expression grows more sombre and his voice loses its cool timbre. He slides into the booth.

"We snuck around with you and Robin, and we hurt Lily and Marshall," says Tracy.

"They don't want to double-date us anymore," says Ted.

"So? Now you can hang out with me and Robin all the time!" says Barney excitedly.

He's met with two forlorn sighs.

"I love board games," says Tracy.

"And I love il formaggio italiano," says Ted.

"Still douchey," says Barney. He rolls his eyes and climbs out of the booth again. "Hey! Your loss! Me and Robin are going to go-cart and have sex in a public bathroom on Staten Island. Have fun with your lame lives!"

13.

"Do you think this will work?" asks Tracy, hugging the round of gouda to her chest.

"I'm the king of big romantic gestures," says Ted grimly, The Game of Life tucked under his arm. "We're winning Marshall and Lily back."

They ride the elevator to Marshall and Lily's floor in determined silence. Tracy is the one to knock on their door, the first tap hesitant, the second and third knocks resolute.

Lily opens the door. Visible over her shoulder are Marshall, Barney, Robin, and Mouse Trap. "Oh, you bastards," says Ted.

"Hi, Ted!" Barney calls cheerfully, rolling the dice.

14.

Lily sits them all down with wine.

"I should have known," says Ted.

"Yeah, you really should have," says Barney.

"We wanted to hang out with Marshall and Lily too," says Robin. "They'd just gotten back from Rome, and you guys were hogging them."

"All we needed to do was drive a wedge between the four of you," Barney says, taking pleasure as always in explaining a play. "We knew you wouldn't be able to resist laser tag with us."

"I mean, look at us," Robin adds, gesturing at herself and giving her husband a high five.

"You were sloppy," Barney continues, "and Lily is a both sharp and evil. We knew you'd get caught."

"And caught you were," Marshall says in an ominous voice. They all look at him. He shrugs. "I wanted in on the denouement."

"With the two of you out of the way, all we had to do was show up at the Eriksen residence with a wheel of Fontina and a bottle of wine," Robin says, "stepping in to replace you two 'traitors' completely."

"And here we are," says Ted.

"Here we are," Barney echoes ominously. The friends glare at one another across the sofa.

"Guys, this is ridiculous," says Tracy, but Ted interrupts her.

"Yeah, Lily, Marshall, aren't you guys mad? Barney and Robin played all four of us!"

"Actually, it's kind of flattering," says Marshall, shrugging. "Super creepy, but I'm also glad to know they care."

"And… none of that matters!" Lily says, her voice trembling and eyes wet. "Because… Robin was right!" she sniffles and reaches for Robin's hand. "You're my best friend, but we haven't been hanging out since we got back! I wanted to, but I — I'm such a terrible friend! It's just… I thought you wouldn't want to double-date us again!"

"Oh, sweetie," Robin sniffles, "of course I want to double date you! I'm sorry we did this; I thought you forgot about me! I love you!" She and Lily dissolve into teary hugging.

"Euuugh," Barney mutters into his wine. "I'm gonna hurl."

"Sure," says Marshall. "Barf into your wine. I'm sure you hate seeing the touching, emotional result of spending weeks constructing an elaborate play to get your wife and her best friend back together, turning your own good friend against you in the process."

"Uh, best friend," Barney corrects, looking guiltily over at Ted.

Ted sighs and gives Barney a reluctant nod. Lily and Robin continue to hug it out.

"No, seriously, this is ridiculous," Tracy says again, clapping her hands together to get the attention of the others. "Guys, I just had a wild idea. Why don't the six of us hang out? Instead of all this dumb double date love triangle elaborate scheme nonsense?"

"Oh, yeah," says Barney thoughtfully. "That could have also worked."

"We did have fun at laser tag," Ted admits.

"I missed hanging out with you guys too," Marshall says, punching Ted and Barney's shoulders.

"Awww," Lily sniffles, gesturing towards Tracy. "Come here!"

Tracy eyes the hugging and dripping mascara. "Um, I'll pass, thanks. Does anyone want more brunello di montalcino?"