Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural or any of it's characters. I wish I did but I don't. Maybe one day... but most likely not.

Warning: Language. Mild violence. Adult Content **Possible rape triggers, so be careful when you read.** Major Character Death(s)

AN: Alright, this is going to be really sad and kind of depressing, so please brace yourselves. When I heard Dean say this to Sam, it really hit home. You can't have Dean say that to Sam. It's just not possible. I hope you enjoy this.

"You know what I think? I think it should be you up there." Sam's heart skipped a beat as soon as those words left his brother's mouth. He stood there frozen in place. Was he serious? Never in all of their lives did he ever expect his brother to say anything like that to him.

Sam was having a hard enough time dealing with the fact that because of him they lost Charlie. He was never going to be able to forgive himself knowing that it was him that killed her. He could have stopped trying to find a cure for his brother when the others had told him to, but he didn't.

He was ashamed to admit that even though he knew this was a dangerous game he was playing, he didn't care who got caught in the crossfire if it meant that Dean would be saved.

Dean didn't do anything more; he only walked away. Sam watched as his brother walked away... from him.

Dean didn't care that what he said to his brother hurt him, because that was the point. He was beyond pissed off. He told his brother that nothing good would come from messing with the damn book. But no! His stubborn ass brother had to ignore his warning and do it anyway. Why couldn't Sam for once just trust him?! If he had just listened, Charlie would still be alive!

He didn't even bother checking if Sam was following, because honestly all he wanted to do was get as far away from him as he could. He knew that if they stayed together, Dean just might beat the shit out of him. Charlie didn't deserve what happened or this life. Dammit!

Looking back at their lives and friends, Charlie was dead the minute she entered their lives. He fought back the tears and instead used it to fuel his already fueled anger. He got into his car, and turned it on. Without a hint of hesitation, Dean put the Impala in drive and sped off without looking back. If he did he would have seen the heartbroken look on his brother's face.

Sam followed after his brother with one last look at Charlie. He hoped that she was happy in Heaven. There was no doubt that that's where she would be. If anyone deserved to be in Heaven it would be her.

Sam was a little scared to be in the car with his brother after what he was told. He was already dying a little more with the guilt of having killed Charlie. He knew that he should have listened when he was told not to go through with this, but he had to. Didn't Dean understand that this was important? Didn't he understand that this was about his life?! He knew that Dean cared very little about himself, so that's why Sam took up the position to save his brother.

He was so sorry that Charlie was killed and there isn't anything he would ever be able to do move on from that, but this was about his brother. He didn't want her to die, and he wished that he could change it, but he had to save his brother. The book was his only chance.

He meant what he said to Charlie. He can't do this without his brother. He doesn't want to do this without his brother.

Sam looked up and watched with so much sadness and hopelessness as his brother drove off leaving him alone. He felt a single tear fall down his cheek as he watched the man he would do anything for drive off. He didn't know which was worse: the loneliness without his brother, or the loss of a brother. It depressed him that he even had to make a choice once again.

Sam didn't know how long he stayed there in the same spot waiting. For what? He didn't know. He felt a drop on his face and looked up as the sky began to cry. He fought back the tears that so desperately wanted to be free, but he couldn't allow that. It would be selfish to shed any more tears. He didn't deserve that release.

He knew that Dean was not going to come back, and there wouldn't be a random driver coming down the road anytime soon, so he walked.

He picked up his bag that Dean was so kind enough to throw out of the trunk before he left, and began his way down the dark road.

Why? That was question that would never have an answer. Why did it have to be them? Why did it have to be Mary that the demon came to? Why couldn't it have been the next door neighbor? Why couldn't anything go right with them? Why did Sam have to be chosen to lead an army? Why did Dean have to go to Hell? Why did their mother die? Why did their father have to die? Why did Dean get turned into a vampire? Why did Sam have to go to Hell? Why did Dean go to Purgatory? Why did the angels fall? Why did Dean get the Mark? Why did he become a demon? Why did Charlie have to die? Why was he alone?

Sam stopped. He was wrong. Why did have an answer. The answer was... him. It was because of him that 'why' has an answer. The moment that he was born set this whole mess on the path it was currently on. He set this whole mess into motion. Sam was the answer to the big question. If he hadn't been born, 'why' would have no answer. In fact... if he hadn't been born there would be no question.

He looked up and smiled sadly. Of all places for him to have chosen to end up, he never thought he would end up here again. He thought he was done with this. He looked in all four directions and chuckled humorlessly.

A crossroads.

He didn't know which was more sad: the fact that he ended up at a crossroads during his depressing realization, or the fact that he ended up at a crossroads during his depressiong realization with everything he would need for a deal.

He didn't know why he kept everything he would need in his bag. Maybe he would need it in case he needed help with finding a cure or if he needed something only a demon deal would get him. Or maybe it was for this moment. Maybe it was always meant to come to this. Maybe he was always meant to come here and make this deal.

He waited for the demon to come, but after some time with no demon he fell to his knees. This was his only chance to make things right. He bowed his head shutting his eyes tight and cried.

Sam cried for his mother having to die because of him. He cried because Dean lost his childhood at the age of four. He cried because his father and brother had to become hunters. Sam cried because he was chosen to lead some damn army. He cried because Dean went to Hell. He cried because Lucifer was released. He cried because he chose a demon bitch over his brother. Sam cried because he let Dean turn into a vampire. He cried because the angels fell. He cried because Dean has the Mark. He cried because Dean became a demon. He cried because Charlie was dead. He cried because he was alone...

"Never thought I would see a Winchester having a pity party,'' a woman's voice in front of him said coldly.

Sam didn't bother with a response. He didn't even bother looking up.

The demon sighed in frustration. "Look, I don't have all day. I got other deals to make. What do you want?" She crossed her arms looking down at him.

"I want to make a deal,'' Sam said slowly getting to his feet. He was so tired and just wanted to get this over with.

She rolled her eyes. "Well, no shit. What do you want?" she asked again.

"I want a do over,'' he mumbled. She heard him but didn't understand. He sighed having to say it again. "I want a do over to the very beginning, but just... not with me in it." It hurt so much more saying it out loud.

She looked at him curiously. She never had a deal like this before. It's not like she couldn't do it, but it was an odd request.

"Why?" She ignored the slight flinch at the question.

"It doesn't matter. You give me the do over, I'll give you whatever you want. I'll go to Hell right now. I'll give you my alliance. I'll kill someone. I'll do whatever you want."

Although she was a demon and didn't really care about humans, she could hear the defeat in his voice.

She shook her head, "Sorry, sweetheart, you're going to have to do better than that."

"What do you want then?" He'd give her the world if it was what she wanted. He needed this deal. It was all he could do to fix everything.

"You want everything to go back to the beginning without you ever being born, right?" He nodded. "Then, I want you to watch."

"I don't understand."

"What better punishment is there, then for you to watch how perfect everything would be without you?"

Ouch. That hurt deep. She was right. There wouldn't be any greater punishment than for him to watch how his family and friend's lives would be without him. Could he do it? He already came this for.

"Fine,'' he said without giving it too much thought. He didn't want to give himself too much time for second thoughts.

She walked up to him grinning victoriously. "Shall we seal the deal?" He leaned down for a kiss, when he stopped mid way. "Second thoughts?"

He shook his head. "I want to say goodbye to a couple of people first, then you take me."

"Deal." With nothing more to say, they sealed the deal.

As soon as Sam walked in, Castiel met him at the entrance. Having to tell Castiel that he killed Charlie was more difficult than he thought.

"Where's Charlie?" asked Castiel looking behind him. Seeing Sam's eyes look down with grief, he swore. "I should've went with her, or stopped her."

"It's not your fault, Cas.'' Sam walked passed him straight to Rowena. He grabbed the Book of the Damned and the Codex from her and handed them to Castiel ignoring her yelp.

"You don't want to help your brother?"

Sam ignored her, and undid her chains. He dropped them to the floor, "Leave." She stayed where she was confused.

She looked at Castiel thinking he would know.

"Sam, what are you doing?" asked confused as to what Sam was doing. "We need her."

Sam ignored him. "Go!" He yelled.

She flicked her hair, and walked off to the door. "Whatever. Good luck with whatever time you have left with your brother. I'm sure he'll be a demon in no time."

With Rowena gone, Sam took her seat. It was time for his first goodbye. Castiel studied him. He could sense something was wrong with Sam. He looked even more distressed.

"Sam? What is it?"

"Thank you, Cas," he said with sincerity. ''You'll never know how much you mean to me and Dean." He stood up and faced Castiel. If he was going to say goodbye, he was going to do it right. "These passed six years, you've become as much of a brother as Dean is."

"I'm happy to hear that, but what's wrong?"

"I... uh... made a deal." He was praying he wouldn't have to say it. It would be so much better to not have to do this, but it would be a relief to have someone know.

"What?! What sort of deal?"

"The deal was for time to return to the very beginning."

Castiel was confused. "What would that accomplish? Everything would only repeat themselves if that were to happen."

Sam shook his head. "Not if I'm not in it."

Castiel pondered over that for a moment. Sam looked away while he did so, not wanting to see his reaction when he figured it out.

"Please tell me that's not what I think it means?" Sam's silence was the only answer he needed to confirm his fears. "What about you?" Sam looked at him furrowing his brows. "What's your end?"

"I have to watch it all play out." How terrible it was for Castiel to hear great sadness in his voice.

"Why would you do that, Sam? Don't you know what this means?"

Sam couldn't take it anymore. His legs were giving out, his body was trembling, and he was fighting back against his tears. He was failing. He fell to his knees, and dropped his head shutting his eyes.

"I know what it means! It means my mom and dad would be alive and grow old to see Dean become a man. It means that Dean would go to college and make an honest living. It means Dean could get married and have a family. It means everyone that died for us or this whole mess would be alive. It means that Dean would never become a demon or gone to Hell. It means that you would never have fallen. It means that you never would've lost your Grace. It means you would never have killed your brothers and sisters. It means that Jimmy and Amelia would be alive and happy with Claire." His voice became barely a whisper, "It means Dean would be happy."

Castiel stood there and listened to a damaged man. How could a broken man break more? How could one man that has nothing in his life lose everything? How could one man that has died and gone to Heaven live in Hell?

Castiel bent down and held Sam against his chest. He had no problem when Sam clung to him.

"I'm sorry it had come to this." He whispered to Sam. "I don't know what would happen when I return to Heaven. I don't know if what you did would cause me to forget you, but I want you to know you've become one of the two most important people in my life. I never once regretted coming into your life. You and Dean have shown me great things about friendship and family. I may not remember you, but I'll never forget you."

He pulled Sam away from him to look him in the eyes. Tears were still falling down his face. Castiel wiped them away. "You are the most dumb and wonderful person I've ever met." With nothing more, Castiel kissed Sam on his forehead and pulled him back in.

It was the greatest punishment anyone could ever suffer. What was worse than a man that gave everything up for his soulmate was made to watch said soulmate live a 'happy' life with friends and family because they were not it? Nothing. Especially when that very same man was the only one that knew the truth and had to live with it... alone.

Dean felt someone familiar sit next to him. He stiffened when he knew who it was. He growled at the fact that Cas didn't inform Sam on his warning, but then again knowing his brother Sam probably does know.

"I thought I said I didn't want to see either of you again,'' sneered Dean. He wanted nothing more than his brother to get up and never come near him again. Before this Mark, he would never wish for his brother to leave him, but now he didn't care.

Sam chuckled humorlessly. "Yeah, but you know me. I tend not to do what you tell me.'' He signaled for a beer. He wanted this to be as smooth as possible. He checked his watch, and knew he didn't have long.

''Well you should've listened. I don't want to see you. If you know what's good for you, you'll get the hell outta here."

Sam didn't say anything for a moment just stared at his beer. "I'm sorry Dean. I-"

Dean slammed his shot glass on the bar cutting his brother off. "I don't care. You killed her, and there isn't anything you could do to change that. So you can shove your sorry right up your ass."

Sam bit back his tears. Now wasn't the time. He took a deep breath. "I know, but that wasn't what I'm apologizing for." Before Dean could speak, Sam continued. "Please. Hear me out, and I promise you'll never see me again." It was sad that Dean would never know how true those words were.

Dean turned back to his drink not responding to his brother. He waited for his brother to speak. Even though he didn't want to hear anything Sam had to say, he figured the sooner he said what he needed to, the sooner he'd leave.

"You're right. There's nothing I can do about Charlie, and I'm so sorry she's dead. I dragged her into this, and I'm going to have to live with that for the rest of my life."

Dean's hands were shaking with anger by this point. Hearing him talk about her was pissing him off.

Sam ignore it. He looked down at his beer and continued, "You know, we've been fighting evil together for ten years. We've gone through so much pain and loss. We've lost everyone we called friend or family. Yet I don't regret ever getting in that car with you that night."

Dean didn't know what the hell his brother was talking about. Why the hell was Sam bringing up ancient history? He didn't say anything in response, just listened.

"I don't think I've ever said this, but I'm glad you got to know our mother. From what I've seen, she was wonderful and very beautiful. I'm sorry you only had four years with her. If I could do anything to change that, I would.

"I don't know if you know this, but you were always more than just my brother." He smiled. "You were my father, my mother, my best friend, my soulmate."

Sam took a deep breath. Now here comes the hard part.

"Sometimes I wonder what life would've been like if we never became hunters. Or if mom and dad were alive. What kind of man would you be if hunting was never a part of your life? But that would only happen if I was never born.''

It was one thing saying it aloud to yourself. It was one thing saying it aloud to a demon to make a deal. It was an entirely new field saying it aloud to the one person who would benefit the most.

Dean frowned as soon as his brother mentioned never being born. He knew that would be true, but it didn't mean it was something they wanted. Where was his brother going with this? Why was Sam saying this now? Something in the back of his mind was clawing its way to the surface trying to tell him something, but he didn't know what it was.

He looked at Sam trying to figure out what was going on, but Sam was far away. Far away from the bar, away from himself... away from Dean. He desperately wanted to see his eyes. Sam's eyes had a strange way of giving himself away, but he wouldn't meet his gaze.

"Maybe what we've been through was always meant to lead to this. Maybe this was always my destiny..."

Before Dean could respond, a woman in a sexy black dress walked up to his brother smiling seductively. He was about to wave her off and tell her they're busy, but Sam leaned down to hear what she had to say. Her gaze never left his the whole time. He nodded his head and rose to his feet.

Sam, for the first time since he arrived, finally met his gaze. Dean could see grief, sadness, happiness, and...relief? The woman hung on his arm clearly wanting to leave. A red flag was going up in his head. Sam would never leave with a woman like this, or any woman from a bar. Something was wrong.

"Sam?" It was all he could say.

Sam knew what he wanted to ask. Sam, what's going on? Sam, who is she? Sam, what's wrong? For the sake of his already broken heart, he didn't answer any of those questions. Instead he clapped Dean on the shoulder, and gave him a warm smile.

"Thank you, Dean, for everything you've ever done for me." Dean could see tears glistening in his eyes. "I'll never forget how much you mean to me."

With nothing else to say, he walked out of the bar with the skimpy dressed woman.

If it was any other night, Dean would've stayed sitting at the bar and wouldn't have cared if his brother walked out. But after hearing all that, he knew what it was that was clawing its way out. It was something he hadn't really given much thought to in a long time. Something he ignored. It was his big brother instincts.

His instincts told him that something was wrong with Sam. Instincts that told him that his brother did something stupid. Told him that Sam needed him. Sam was going away. Not thinking about anything else, Dean stood up and followed after his brother and the woman.

"I'll never forget...'' Why did that sound like a goodbye?

As Dean walked out of the bar, he could see Sam and the woman already a ways away. He could tell by Sam's body language that he was scared. From what? What was Sam doing?

"Sam?" He called out slowly picking up his pace.

Sam and his companion turned to look at him. He smiled sadly. "Be happy this time Dean... for both of us." A white light appeared behind her and Sam. Seeing that, Dean started to panic. What was that light?

"Sam!" His walking turned to jogging. Is Sam not seeing the light?

Sam turned to look at the light. It was beautiful, but it felt cold and lonely. He was supposed to go in there. Alone for years... watching. Was it worth it? If it meant his brother would be happy, it was.

He began to walk into the light with the demon next to him. He guessed she was going to escort him in. How nice.

Jogging turned to full out running. That red flag was no longer just there, it was waving frantically.

"Sam, don't!" Where was his brother going? What was happening?

This time when Sam looked at him and smiled, it was no longer sad. It was expressing genuine happiness. Happiness that Sam hasn't displayed in a long time.

"I'll be waiting for you big brother," he waved and chuckled, "but make sure it won't be for a long time." He turned his back a final time with her, and walked further in no longer bothered by the cold loneliness. If his brother could be happy... if his parents would be alive... if Dean got to grow up with them... he'll welcome the cold loneliness with open arms.

"NO!" Dean was running after him like his life depended on it, and he knew in many ways, it did. Sam was his life. Sam was his son, his best friend, his brother, his soulmate and he was watching him walk away.

The light was fading along with both the mystery woman and Sam. Just as he was about to touch the light, it was gone. The light was gone. The woman was gone. Sam was gone. Dean drop to his knees in disbelief. He cried out for his brother to come back. He ignored the people that were looking at him like he was crazy. He hadn't realized it until now, but he was crying. The tears wouldn't stop falling.

The last thing he remembered was Castiel holding him with tears in his eyes as well...

AN: Thanks for reading. I hope to hear what you all think, if not that's fine. Until next time. -Kauri510