It is happening all over again. Harry smirks as Gwen's fragile body falls down the clock tower, gears and springs twirling around her. I know I screaming, to myself, to my limbs that refuse to move and to a future I already mourn. Yet I can do nothing more than watch as she falls, her eyes filled with confidence that I will save her. I wish I had that much faith in myself. By the time I am free from the fear that froze me it is too late. My web reaches a nothing more than a corpse.

She's never truly dead in this version you see. She lingers on that last little bit to whisper thoughts in my ears.
"You failed me," her lifeless mouth whispers. I didn't save her.

"You're not worthy of that mask you wear," I am spider-man yet I didn't save her.

"It is all your fault. You are just a no-good pretender." I... I killed my own girlfriend.

"We are better off without you" I wake with a start and damp eyes.

Every time I close my eyes it is the same nightmare over an over again. Every day fighting with those cruel words smashing clawed fists against my mind with the knowledge that the very people I save are better off without me. The pain is unbearable at times like this; when I am alone in the dark of the night. I try and I try but I just need it to stop! Even if it is only for a few seconds. I barely notice the flash of metal, the blood. I've seen enough of it in my lifetime as Spider-man. No, it's the pain I am after. I embrace it with a hiss. I deserve this.

Freedom, just me alone in my thoughts for a beautiful second before the wound heals up and the voices come charging back in. My quick healing means that most of the time it doesn't scar. At least it used to, but my body is so weak that my seconds of freedom are lasting longer, the wounds not healing quite as well. It's never enough. I have nothing to do now but sit and wait for the sun.

Morning arrives several hours later with the promise of eggs, bacon, waffles and whatever Aunt May will try to make me eat. No matter how good it is I never eat it. Everything just tastes like cardboard so may as well eat what no one else will.

"Peter it is time to get up." says the Russian voice of my AI her voice soft with the concern. She always sounds like that these days, sometimes I wonder if I did something wrong in the programming.

"I know Jaffa," I sigh. I had made the artificial intelligence after Gwen's death. I had too much time and I needed something to help take my mind off the pain. So I took up the monstrous task of creating artificial intelligence. I succeeded. Jaffa was everything I could have hoped for in creating an AI, a rival even Tony Starks' JARVIS. I named her JAFFA which stands for Jarvis's advanced female foe AI because what can I say, I like to poke fun at people.
(A/N *Don't judge my acronym. I liked the name JAFFA and it was the best I could do*)

Jaffa really has been the only thing keeping me going. I know I can't hurt her since she, well, isn't a real person so she is the only thing I talk to. Its the eyes I think. People always look at me with such... pity. It's degrading more than anything.

The news is on as I trudge down the stairs. "It has been five months since the disappearance of Spiderman after he saved the city from the villan Electro and battled the Green Goblin. There has been a phenomenal spike in crime since crooks realized Spiderman wasn't around to stop them and the shiny league of superheroes residing in our cities core can't be bothered to lift a single finger to help our city. It has been a long wait for the return for the web slinging heroes return. Can New York finally accept that our favourite hero is... dead?" The young reporter cracked slightly as she said the last line.

"She must be a fan,"I think as I turn off the news. I can't watch as the city suffers and begs for my return. The reporter was right. Spider-man is dead and not coming back. The city is better off without me. Aunt May rushes around the kitchen as I slump into it.

"Peter! Have some french toast! You loved this when you were little. Uncle Ben and you could eat a truckload of these things..." I stare at her blankly as I grab a slightly bruised apple before getting my skateboard and bag for school. Uncle Ben, another person i failed. He was better off without me. I take a single bite of my apple before heading toward the door but May stops me holding a piece of toast in her outstretched hand.

"Please Petey... Just eat it. You are barely alive and I don't even remember the last time you spoke to an actual person. I'm terrified for you." I simply take the toast to please before leaving. I try to eat it, really, I'm just... not feeling it today. I know she hears me drop both the toast and the apple in the bin on my way out.

"Hey Peter! How is your scrawny ass this beautiful morning?" Flash leers as he jumps in front of me with his pack of puppets behind him. Ha. Alliteration. Comedy. I know my blank expression is really unnerving and will earn me a punch up but honestly, I already had one coming. I had been Flash's favorite punching bag since the beginning of high school. I was the puny, skinny runt of a nerd while he was the sporty, popular jock. Little did he or anyone else know that I could beat Flash in any sporting event and beat the life out of him and his gang with my eyes closed and my hands tied behind my back. Even in my current... fragile state. I half-heatedly try to move past but some of his dogs stop me. Demon dogs... downward dog... dumb dogs! That'll work, gotta keep up my English skills.

"Poor little Petey Wetey still crying over his crushes death eh? Come on Pete she never loved you. She liked the best sportsman in the school, oh wait that's me. Told me herself." Flash sneers. Everyone laughs. I know its is not true as Gwen hated the jock's guts. I don't even flinch as the first punch hits me. Nor the next. Nor the next. Today the insults are worse than usual and all about Gwen, the punches much harder than usual. I embrace the pain. They are better off without me. They wander off with the bell leaving me battered and bleeding. I simply pull the hood of my long sleeved jumper high over my head and consider picking up my shattered glasses. I just leave them there. It is not like i actually need them, they are made of glass and are just used to keep up the nerd profile. I slowly trudge off to history, or maybe I had English. I didn't even know... but i couldn't care less.

I left during 5th period. The sympathetic stares and murmurs were way worse than usual and it was killing me. The sun was bright and warm of my face as I skateboarded along the cracked pavement. I didn't want to go home as I wasn't sure if Aunt May would be back from giving the extra breakfast to the hospital. It is the same every morning. She cooks. I don't eat it. She gives it to the hospital who pay her a light sum. She doesn't realize I know. So instead I skate to where I go whenever I wag school. The graveyard. It is always so quiet there and I can escape everything wrong in my life currently.

As I walk over to the simple gravestone above Gwen I am amazed at how many flowers lay there. Usually, there was just a rose or two from her family and a sunflower from me. We no longer talk but I know her family thinks it is disrespectful that I bring sunflowers, too happy but I know Gwen loves them. Sunflowers are her favourite. Today though there would be at least twenty full bouquets, cards and even a large stuffed bear who's fur ruffled gently in wind. I try to smile as I sit down next to the headstone.

"Hey, Gwen. School was terrible, as always, but worse today for some reason. Must be the wind, you always said that made people do crazy things. Jaffa is up and running smoothly. Aunt May still jumps every time she speaks. I'm glad i made her as she can look after my Aunt for me, prevents conversation with her. I know I know I should talk its just HARD you know? Besides, Jaffa already is nearly as bad as my aunt when it comes to eating and getting outside. I actually took one of those stupid vitamin capsules this yesterday as a deal that she wouldn't tell my Aunt about the whole... the whole cutting thing. I have to take one every time I do. Can't program it out of the stupid AI. Ah anyway avengers still being stuck-up brats, you know the drill." I attempt the laugh but it comes out as a strangled squawk.

What have I become? I use to be fun, sure a little weird, but fun nevertheless! I could joke with a gun to face and wore smart alec like it was a scout badge. What happened to that guy?

"Look at all these flowers Gwen! There must have been some article about you in the newspaper or something to get you this many! I wouldn't know, I still avoid newspapers and the news. Although I accidentally watched it this morning. I promise to bring you a sunflower tomorrow as I did..." I break off as I notice a nervous boy I think I recognize from school approaches me, a tulip in his hand. He is scrawny and looks to be a few years younger than me.

"Sor..ry..y" he mumbles placing the flower down. "I don't want to interrupt I just... Gwen tutored me in maths once, never would have passed without her. I just wanted to wish her a happy birthday."

He quickly scurries off as I sit frozen. Birthday... I snatch the cards open. Happy Birthday. Happy Birthday one after the other. It can't be though. I stare at the chest of the large white bear. Happy Birthday. I slowly sink back onto my heels. It is Gwen's birthday. Here I was complaining about how much life sucked when really it was Gwen's birthday. It finally hit me full force then, tears and all then, Gwen was dead and I had forgotten the most important day of the year, her birthday. I HAD FORGOTTEN MY DEAD GIRLFRIENDS BIRTHDAY! The world spun in flashes of her broken body and I screamed as the pain as something inside me snapped. I promised, I PROMISED I would NEVER forget. A vow, a vow now broken.

The voices were unforgiving. "You failed me...You're not worthy of that mask you wear...It is all your fault... You are just a no-good pretender..." the voice whispered as I lay sobbing "We are better off without you". Gwen was always right. She was better off without me. Uncle Ben is better off without me. Flash and all those other stupid students are better off without me. New York is better off without me. Aunt May is better off without me. Jaffa would look after my Aunt. It is time I did what Gwen had been telling me to do since her death. I needed to save the city one last time. Save them from me. After all, they were better off without me.