Author's Note: This chapter started on the DOS forums. The idea is what if the Konoha cast was going back in time like groundhog day, looping over and over? What if Mr. Cranberry started looping too? Thus this crack ensued. Just like the loops this isn't really going anywhere, but still deserves to be published with the Misadventures. It's like an alternative what-if scenario, based off of several other alternative what-if scenarios that stand on their own (repeatedly, if need be.)
The conversation that spawned it goes as follows, just for an explanation:
Everyone's been talking about the Konoha 12 looping back in time- waking up one morning to discover time has turned back and things have started over. That is, everyone except for Shikako. They've been repeating things that happen from the moment they graduated until an unfortunate demise made them all loop again. Everyone except for those who are not looping always remember the loops they were mentally present for. They've devised ways to determine who is sharing loops, and who is not present at this rollover. They found a way to figure each other out at the start of the loop, with enough time to assess the situation so they can move forward as a group from day one. Usually, Shikako doesn't make it out of any of those loops alive. Also, she's never revealed her Future Knowledge as an SI status.
Then, this happened:
guisniperman: Did anyone ever do a Looping Mister Cranberry? I'd imagine their reaction wondering why is that Spider looping but not Shikako.
And that was followed by:
MisteriosaSaky: Oh God! I'm SO loving the idea of Mr Cranberry looping! I NEED to see that! please!
Which prompted my brain to lead us to this:
Assign blame where appropriate! (J/k!) :D
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The Loopy Spider
"Master is wide." came a hissing sound.
She stared at her paper, trying to figure out what the answer to the question on her homework paper was. She couldn't remember one of the names of the founders of the village... she knew the first hokage was Hashirama Senju, so she'd written his name. But the other... and he was an Uchiha... right?
It started with an 'M' she was certain. Ooh, these homework questions were always easier when she did them earlier in the day! She was too tired. She'd stayed out playing with her friends at the park for too long. Her big brother had warned her about getting her assignment done instead. She should have listened. He was going to bring her dinner while she worked on her paper.
"Wide. Master." came a small sound. It was in front of her, to the right. She was alone in her bedroom.
"What?" She asked, confused on where the voice came from. She looked around, but only her pet spider was present.
"Massster. Issss. Wiiiiiiide." the creature's tiny pedipalps jumped up and down as it stared at her with dark eyes that glittered in the light.
"Wide?" Chiyako asked, glancing down. She could have sworn her pet spider, Mister Cranberry, had actually said something aloud! And... had... very rudely... insulted her? "What do you mean I'm wide? You think I'm getting fat?" She pouted. The spider's striped legs lifted, waved, and he wobbled up and down on the table before her.
"Wiiiide. Wi... Wi... no. Sisissiisssii. Wise. Masster is wise." he said in a hiss, his voice tiny but still able to be heard. Chiyako sniffed, stared down at her adorable little Cranberry, and picked him up in the palm of her hand. He tapped against her fingers with his hairy legs. "Wise. Words hard."
"You're talking!" her exclamation of glee made the spider back up on her palm, as her face was very close. And loud.
"Hisss yess. I am very loo-py. Very loo-py. Many times loop. Hoop. Go-round. Time." she laughed at his strange mangling of words. He continued, pointing to the paper with one leg intently, "Maadaarrraa. Uch-shhh-iiiha."
"Oh! That's right!" she set him down and then wrote out the answer, her homework finally complete. Shino would be impressed!
"Woorld ender." he said. She paused in her writing when she heard this, then stared at the spider intently. "Makesss woorld stap. Deeathhh. Illusssionss. Sooon."
Neither occupant of the room realized a very startled and surprised Shino was standing outside the door, overhearing every hissed word. He quickly sent a message via his insects to Lee, so that he could spread the word to a few select loopers during his regular exercise 'run of youth!' as soon as possible.
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Team 8's reaction to the looping spider:
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"The spider is intelligent. I heard him speaking to my sister last night. He is also in the loop. We must devise a way to determine when he returns as we do."
"How is that possible?" a practiced, timid sounding voice responds. "Even Shikako hasn't been looping. Why a spider?"
"Nothing makes sense anymore. It's official, this world is crazy."
"Kiba, there is no rational explanation for this. Therefore, I believe the looping is chaotic in nature. That being said-"
"I have rational for you! That spider remembers everything we do. How many times has it gone round the time reversal, only to learn to actually talk?"
"Well... Even Akamaru hasn't..."
"Hinata! How could you!? Akamaru talks just fine! Don't you, boy?"
"WOOF!"
"I rest my case."
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Team 10:
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"So, wait, you mean that nightmare I had that one time we ended up overrun with spiders was actually real? They were really talking?" the blonde girl shuddered as she ate her dango.
"Apparently so, Ino." Shikamaru had his hands behind his head, leaned back in his chair as they waited for their sensei to show up.
"They tasted good, though." Chouji said, halfway through his plate of dango.
Ino dropped hers on the table in disgust, "Trust you to think of that!"
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Team 3:
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"And so-" THWACK "The Spider-" THWACK, THWACK! "Talks now!" THWACK, THWACK, THWACK! "Isn't that grand?" CRACK! "How youthful!"
Neji dropped his water bottle and stared at the green-clad boy punching the training log in front of him, convinced the looping had finally degraded what was left of his mind. Tenten's mouth was gaping, a bit of her water dribbling down her chin.
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(Please note, sometimes the headcanon is that no one in Team 7 is present for the looping. But Shikako herself is NEVER a looper. For this instance, Team 7 is looping but not Shikako.)
Team 7's reaction to the looping spider:
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"Hey, Shikako..."
"Yeah, Sasuke?"
"Did you know Shino has a sister?" the boy asked, prodding at a piece of bamboo in his ramen.
"Huh? Nope." she said, blowing on her broth to cool it.
"Neither did I."
"Apparently she owns a talking spider." Naruto helpfully added between overly large bites of his ramen. His teammates turned as one to stare at the side of his head.
The staring continued for quite a while, but Naruto was oblivious for the unvoiced request for clarification.
"Ok... moving on." Sasuke said. Silence ensued.
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The spider is still loopy
It was a most unusual meeting. There was a lectern, provided by Tenten ("What? You never know when you need one to stand behind! Sometimes motivational speeches require more than sweat and enthusiasm!") and the tiny red striped spider sat atop it, waving a fuzzy little leg amicably. "Humanss." it hissed. The loopers were situated on the grass, before the lectern, watching the spider as if it were giving a speech. Naruto, Sasuke, and Hinata were in the front row, followed by Kiba, Shino, and Shikamaru. Ino and the others were situated behind them.
"That. Is. Creepy." Ino whispered. There were a few nods and whispers of assent.
"Can I eat him if he turns evil like the others?" Chouji asked skeptically. Ino nodded her approval. No one else said anything.
"I hearss thhat." he hissed back, somewhat amused and both angrily.
"Uh, sorry?" she apologized.
"Accsseptable." the spider lowered his legs and then raised them again, as if it were his version of a bow. "Ssoo. Plan to stap moon. Evil. Ideasss?"
"Are we really in an assembly, in the middle of the training grounds, with a little girl's pet spider leading a strategy meeting?" Sasuke asked.
"We need to know how many times you have looped, Mister Cranberry!" Hinata asked him, ignoring the glowering Uchiha next to her.
"I hasss. Many." he raised all but four of his legs, "Thiss many."
"Oh." she said. They assumed he had to have looped more times than that, to have learned human speech.
"Times." he continued.
"Four times, then?" Shino asked, nodding his head. Arachnids, like insects, could be intelligent too. He wondered how many of his insects were looping with him.
The spider made some frantic motions, but still waved those four limbs, "No. This many times one hu- one hund- one many."
Everyone stared. He wasn't saying...?
"Four hundred times?" Kiba barked, "Where were we, then?"
The spider gave him the equivalent of a shrug, and skittered down the front of the lectern. "Alwaysss same. This thirteenth time I tell you today, but sstill best ressuult. Not belieeve. Moove on."
"No, it isn't." Neji denied. He had never seen a spider talk in his life, regardless of what Ino claimed was a monster movie outtake loop one time. He didn't participate in that one.
"Yess. Iss. Now, plan. Stop Aloe Vera." the spider insisted, approaching them on the grass.
"What?" Naruto asked, confused, as the spider walked up to him.
"You knowss! Hiss! Aloe Vera man!" the spider hissed, pointing at Naruto. "The daark one."
"You mean, Zetsu?" Shikamaru queried.
"Ssmart human. Almost ssmart as Masster." the little spider walked up to Shikamaru and patted his knee. They could swear the little arachnid's eyes were sparkling. It must have been an illusion of some sort. Shikamaru was not amused.
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Author's Note: Ok, I'm all cracked out at the moment I have no idea where this would go, even. XD
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This is mostly copy-pasted from the forum for inclusion in Misadventures with a few minor edits.
I did have some more written for the next chapter but it's still not finished, since I have a lot more on my plate lately, and things have been... happening, sorry. I'll usually mention on my profile page which thing I'm working on first. Updates are slow, but one more actual chapter is planned out, continuing from where Chapter 6 left off.