Back to the Future of Gotham

"J.J., get off the phone," said Harley Quinn, glaring at her teenage son sitting in the backseat of the car. "Kids today and their technology – you don't want to become addicted, do you?"

"I'm not addicted to my phone, Mom – I just have things to do on it," retorted J.J., not looking up from the screen. "I'm trying to run a business, and a lot of that is done online now. And certainly at the moment, I need almost constant access to the internet, and the phone is very handy for that."

"I just think it's rude to have your eyes glued to the screen like that," said Harley. "As if the people and the places around you aren't interesting enough."

"You've been talking to Dad about getting a new dishwasher, and we're stuck in traffic," retorted J.J., still not looking up.

He was right – the Jokermobile sat in about four lanes of Gotham City traffic, while the Joker, who was driving, got progressively more annoyed at their lack of progress. "Anyway, Leenie's on the phone all the time too, but you never pick on her," continued J.J., nodding at his twin sister Arleen seated next to him, who also stared down at a screen.

"I'm texting Damian," she retorted. "Who's a real person. You're just talking to people you've never met on the internet, who couldn't even be real people for all you know."

"Who's Damian?" asked Joker.

"Nobody," said Arleen, hastily. "Friend from school."

"See, Leenie occasionally goes outside to see real people, J.J.," said Harley. "You rarely do that."

"That's because real people are morons," muttered J.J. "And human contact is overrated."

"You sound a lot like your Aunt Ivy," said Harley, nodding. "Must be her influence from all her recent visits."

"You don't think contact with her is overrated, do you?" muttered Arleen under her breath.

J.J. glared at her. "No, no more than you think contact with Damian is overrated," he retorted, quietly. "Or, in your head, Batman."

Arleen glared back at him – her crush on Batman was a huge secret to be kept from the rest of the family, who she knew would be disappointed if they ever found out about it. Not that she suspected they weren't already disappointed by the way she dressed – Arleen chose to follow the Goth subculture in terms of clothing and attitude toward life, which was the opposite of the rest of her relentlessly optimistic and cheerful family. Although not now, of course, when they were stuck in traffic – that would make the happiest person alive grumpy and miserable.

"But I stand by my statement, with one slight clarification," continued J.J. "In general, human contact is overrated."

"Boy, is it ever," agreed Joker. "Look at all these useless chumps, cluttering up the freeway!" he said, gesturing out at the traffic around them. "This is part of the problem with me going supervillain part-time, Harl – population explosion! It used to be my job to keep the people of Gotham under control by culling the population through regular, wacky, mass murdering gags! Maybe now that the kids are older I'll go back to full-time work. I know Batsy probably misses the regular, nightly action."

"Yeah, he ain't the only one who misses regular, nightly action," muttered Harley.

"God, you are such a greedy brat!" snapped Joker. "I ain't as young as I used to be, y'know, and you can't just expect a fantastic performance every night!"

"You seem to think Bats does," retorted Harley.

"That performance is completely different to the performance you're talking about, and you know it!" snapped Joker. "Unless you're trying to imply something about me and Batsy!"

"Could explain where Leenie gets it," muttered J.J.

"Shut up!" snapped Arleen, elbowing her brother in the ribs. J.J. grabbed ahold of her dark, purple-highlighted hair and tugged hard.

"Hey, kids, don't fight!" shouted Harley, as the violence continued.

"This is what you prefer to them quietly looking at their phone screens, is it, Harl?" demanded Joker. "Mind you, I'm a pro-violence man myself, but it's beyond annoying being stuck in traffic like this unable to do anything about it or join in."

He brightened suddenly. "Unless…" he said, reaching for some buttons where the radio should be.

A series of missiles shot out from the car, colliding with the surrounding traffic and exploding most of the cars in a burst of flame. "Talk about your road rage!" chuckled Joker. "I had completely forgotten I got that button installed! Thanks for doing that, J.J."

"No problem, Dad," replied J.J., smiling. Both he and his sister had been pacified by the mass explosion – like their parents, nothing made them happier than unnecessary violence and destruction.

Joker drove away from the smoking, flaming ruins before the cops could arrive, and a short while later, they parked in the driveway of their destination, the home of Jervis Tetch, previously known as the Mad Hatter, and his adopted daughter, Alice Tetch.

"Did you get the present, puddin'?" asked Harley as they all climbed out of the car.

"No, that was your job!" snapped Joker. "We've discussed this – anything that involves thinking of other people is your job!"

Harley rolled her eyes. "Fine, we'll just tell Jervis that we ordered it online and it didn't arrive in time. Not even sure what kinda present you're supposed to get for an occasion like this anyway," she muttered, ringing the bell.

The door was opened by Tetch, who beamed at them. "Ahoy hoy, Jokers!" he exclaimed, gesturing them inside. "Thank you all for coming – Alice will be so very pleased!"

"Aw, we're really happy you invited us, Jervis," said Harley, hugging him. "But we gotta apologize – the present we ordered for Alice hasn't arrived yet."

"Oh, don't worry about that!" said Tetch. "These things aren't organized for gifts, after all. Look, my dear, the Joker family is here!" he said, smiling at the young woman who sat in the dining room at the head of a long table laden with tea things. She was dressed in a blue dress and pinafore, and resembled nothing so much as a Victorian child out of the Alice in Wonderland stories, although she was clearly not a child anymore.

Not that this seemed to bother her or her adopted father – she stood up and made an elegant curtsy to her guests, and then said, "Please do have a seat – it's almost time for tea."

"Congrats, Alice – this is a real special occasion for ya, huh?" asked Harley as they all sat down. "I'm sure your Uncle Jervis is really proud of you."

"Indeed I am," agreed Tetch, kissing his adopted daughter's cheek. "My little Alice is all grown up and ready to go out into society as a proper lady!"

"And she's eager to meet all sorts of other proper ladies, huh?" chuckled Joker.

"I beg your pardon?" asked Tetch, puzzled.

"I think Mr. J's just saying that it'll be nice for Alice to be able to be open about the kinda people she's interested in romantically," explained Harley.

Tetch looked at her. "I'm sorry, I'm…slightly confused. What are you talking about?"

"Well, c'mon, ain't that the reason we're all here?" demanded Joker. "This is a coming out party, right?"

"Indeed it is," agreed Tetch, nodding. "It's the occasion in which my gorgeous Alice is officially presented to the world as a lady of marriageable age. It's been a tradition in England among the aristocracy at the start of the social season for hundreds of years. Why, does a coming out party mean something different in this country?"

"Oh…no," said Harley, slowly. "Nope, we…knew what you meant, of course. Glad we didn't order the rainbow flag now, puddin'," she whispered to Joker.

"Uncle Jervis, do you have a phone charger somewhere?" asked J.J., looking up from his screen at last. "Sorry, but my battery's dying and I really need to finish this update."

"Oh yes," said Tetch. "I don't allow technology such as that in my house, of course. One can't mix living spaces and working spaces – that would be nonsense. But the garage should have one…"

"Thanks, I'll go find it," said J.J., heading for the back door.

"I'll go with you, J.J. – mine's dying too," said Arleen

"Don't touch anything else in there, please!" called Tetch after them. "There's some highly unstable technology that could send you to Wonderland or goodness knows where else!"

"Well, I'm glad Alice isn't a lesbian anyway," said J.J. as he and his sister headed for the garage. "Just for purely selfish reasons."

"You've still got no chance with her, you know that, right?" asked Arleen.

"I think you underestimate your brother's charm, little sis," retorted J.J. "The old Joker charm he inherited from Dad and which runs in our family. Women are incapable of resisting us."

"Right," agreed Arleen, rolling her eyes. "I'll agree Mom's incapable of resisting Dad, especially after they've had a punch-up, but that hardly means that any woman you meet is gonna go all Mom-nuts over you."

"Raise your hand if you've had a romantic partner," said J.J., shooting his hand up. "And keep your hand down if you've just switched between fantasizing about Batman and Damian."

"I don't fantasize about Batman or Damian," snapped Arleen. "He's just a friend."

"And maybe if you used a bit of that Joker charm, he could be more than that," said J.J., nodding.

"Look, Aunt Ivy doesn't count as having a romantic partner," snapped Arleen. "She's more than twice your age!"

"Of course she counts," retorted J.J. "Age doesn't discount someone from being a romantic partner – look at Mom and Dad! And anyway, she's not the only girlfriend I've had, y'know."

"Who else have you had?" asked Arleen.

J.J. tapped his nose. "Not a man who kisses and tells, sis. But you remember that fire alarm at school last week?"

"Yeah. We all had to evacuate for like an hour while they got the blaze under control," said Arleen.

J.J. grinned. "Let's just say it wasn't the only fire going on in the school at the time. And yours truly might have instigated it to have some uninterrupted time alone in the janitor's closet with a certain female."

"Classy," retorted Arleen.

"Tried and tested," retorted J.J. "Just ask Mom and Dad about their time in Arkham."

"Thanks, I can live without hearing that story again," said Arleen, rolling her eyes. She put on a high-pitched imitation of their mother's voice. "I saw puddin's face behind the glass, our eyes met across a crowded asylum, and I knew right then we were soulmates, destined to be together forever! So what if I was a young, innocent psychiatrist and he was an older, psychotic, mass-murderer? Love is love, kids. And true love conquers all."

"That's a perfect impression," chuckled J.J. as he and Arleen entered the garage.

It was a huge room, full of blinking gadgets and humming machines of all kinds, whirring and buzzing with a life force of their own. "Look at all this stuff," said J.J., whistling. "What do you suppose half of it does?"

"Knowing Uncle Jervis, one presses his cravats while the other polishes his hats," said Arleen, looking around for the phone charger. "I hate to stifle your intellectual curiosity, but Uncle Jervis told us not to touch anything. Just find the charger, J.J."

"Fine," grumbled J.J., scanning the room. "There!" he said, pointing under a table where a wire resembling a phone charger peeked out.

"Me first," said Arleen, rushing over to where he pointed.

"No, me first!" snapped J.J., shoving her out of the way. "Mine's important business stuff – yours is just flirting with your pseudo-boyfriend!"

"Damian's not my boyfriend, pseudo or otherwise!" snapped Arleen, shoving her brother out of the way. The two quickly got into another tussle.

"You're gonna break Uncle Jervis's machines!" snapped J.J. "Just lay off!"

He shoved his sister away and then lunged forward, grabbing the charger and slamming it into his phone. Just at that moment, Arleen leaped onto him, grabbing him around the neck in an attempt to drag him back. And that was when a burst of light shot out from the charger, through the phone, and into both J.J. and Arleen. There was a blinding flash, and then the two teenagers disappeared, phone and all.

Several minutes later, Alice Tetch had come looking for Arleen and J.J. and entered the garage. She looked around at the empty building and the beeping machines, and then noticed the fizzling charger on the ground. She sighed heavily, picking it up and lifting up the tablecloth under which it had been hidden to reveal the wire attached to a beeping, glowing, hat-shaped machine with dates on it.

"Uncle Jervis!" she called. "Uncle Joker, Aunt Harley, come quickly!"

"What is it, my dear?" asked Tetch, hurrying into the room with Joker and Harley following.

Alice held up the wire. "Arleen and J.J. – they accidentally mixed up the phone charger and the time machine."

"Oh, botheration!" exclaimed Tetch. "I knew that would happen someday – I really should have put up a sign…"

"Wait, what's happened?" demanded Joker. "Where are the kids? And what time machine?"

"I invented a time machine several years ago," explained Tetch. "Just to see if I could – it was never intended to be used. Time travel of any kind risks permanently disrupting the space-time continuum and ending all life on earth as we know it. But apparently your children have accidentally used it, and are now somewhere in the past, judging by the date on the hat," he said, examining it.

Both Joker and Harley just stared at him. And then Harley shrieked in horror, grabbing the hat from him. "Babies!" she screamed. "We have to go after them – we have to rescue them!"

"That would be terribly unwise – more people going back would only increase the chances of something going wrong and forever altering the future in disastrous ways," retorted Tetch.

"You gotta have some way to bring 'em back!" shouted Joker.

Tetch shook his head slowly. "It was never intended to be used, so I didn't create any fail-safes. They're trapped there unless they can find some way to get back. And they're fairly smart children, so they should…"

"Look, pal, we ain't just leaving our kiddies stuck in the past!" roared Joker, grabbing Tetch around the collar. "So just make that thing take us back to whenever they are so we can go get 'em!"

"Puddin'," gasped Harley, staring at the date on the hat. "The day they went back…"

"What about it?" demanded Joker.

"It's…the day we first met," she whispered. "In Arkham."

"Oh dear," stammered Tetch. "Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. If Arleen or J.J. somehow manage to interfere with that event, it will result in a time paradox in which they were never born, and will consequently cease to exist in this or any other reality. Along with all our lives as we know them."