A fire burned the disclaimer saying that I don't own any Archer characters. Just some more madness from my tiny little mind. What would happen if the gang spent a…

Night at the Tuntmore

Chapter I: We're Checking In!

It all started when several members of the agency were sitting in the breakroom reading magazines. Two days after they had finally realized they were getting mail at the office. With the exception of Archer and his mother the gang was all there. Well, literally speaking.

Figuratively speaking is another story.

"Oh yeah…Oh baby…" Krieger was panting over a centerfold. "Look at the particle accelerator! Oh those lines! Whoo hoo! You can blow me up and smash my atoms any time!"

Lana was sitting reading the paper across from him. "It's scary how easily you get excited over the weirdest things."

"Oh like I'm the only one who gets a hard on when he looks at a fine piece of machinery?" Krieger pointed to Cyril.

"Oh baby look at the new twin jack telescopic hole less hydraulic elevators," Cyril was practically drooling over his elevator magazine. "Look at this! Minimal pit and overhead requirements! Accommodates front and rear openings! Both capable of high and low capacity!"

"Weirdo…" Krieger grumbled.

"And no jack hole required!" Cyril whooped.

"That's because there's a jack hole right here!" Pam remarked.

"What?" Cyril asked as he looked at his team mates/tormentors giving him odd looks.

"If you have to ask…" Krieger shook his head.

Lana gave Cyril an incredulous look. "How the hell did you ever convince me to have sex with you?"

"A question that has often been asked around this office by great many people," Ray remarked as he read his tea magazine. "My theory is that you couldn't find anyone else that would annoy Archer even more."

"That and his rid-donkulous dick," Pam scoffed as she ate a bear claw while reading a cow magazine.

"Yeah that didn't hurt his chances seeing how horny you were," Cheryl agreed as she read a glue ordering catalog.

"Gotta give it to them," Cyril shrugged.

"How come everyone has so many magazines?" Lana asked. "How do you pay for them all?"

"Who says we do?" Pam snorted.

"What?" Lana asked.

"Lana haven't you noticed that all these magazines have our agency's address on them?" Cyril gave her a look.

Lana was stunned. "Oh my God! You bill all your magazines to the agency?"

Cheryl did a slow clap. "Bravo Lana, the last gigantic horse finally finishes the race."

"How could you all siphon money like that for magazines?" Lana asked.

"It's incredibly easy," Cyril shrugged. "See most of these magazines are under subscription publications started by Archer or his mother. It was just a matter of hacking into those accounts and adding our names and what magazines we wanted."

"And since the passwords are always either Duchess or guest…" Ray added. "Well you see where this is going."

"And the best part is Ms. Archer has been passing off her magazine subscriptions as part of the Intelligence Department budget for years," Pam added. "So she could claim it as a deductible."

"But there is no Intelligence Department anymore in this agency!" Lana protested. "How are you all going to explain all these magazines now?"

"Oh," Pam blinked. "That could be a problem."

"YOU THINK?" Lana barked.

"Since when?" Archer scoffed as he walked in. "What? What are we talking about?"

"Archer these people have been billing magazines under your account and on our agency's dime!" Lana protested.

"Oh thank you very much Tabitha Tattletale!" Ray scoffed.

"And people say I can't keep a secret," Pam agreed.

"You can't keep a secret," Ray pointed out.

"Yeah, I do tend to blab a lot," Pam agreed. "What can I say? Gossip gets me through the day!"

"As well as bear claws, booze and pretty much everything else you do," Archer added with a chuckle.

"Archer these idiots are using your account and your mother's account to buy magazines! Why are you not mad about this?" Lana barked. Then it hit her. "Oh God you're in on it aren't you?"

"To be fair I wouldn't have found out about half of these magazines if they hadn't told me about them," Archer shrugged. "A lot of them are really cool. So I figured as long as Mother is the one actually paying for it…"

"Why does that not surprise me?" Mallory stormed into the break room. "Leave it to you to find ways to leech more money out of my pockets!"

"Mother I uh…" Archer was stunned.

"Don't bother!" Mallory interrupted. "Even if I didn't hear Lana's big mouth halfway across the office I would have figured it out eventually! Nobody has a seven thousand dollar a year magazine subscription!"

"Well you say that but the costs really add up over time," Archer admitted.

"By the way you slackers I just got off the phone cancelling every god damn magazine subscription that was being sent to this office!" Mallory shouted. "Including some magazines I actually liked! So enjoy your reading! It's the last free ones you'll get!"

"Not necessarily," Pam spoke up. "Sometimes I get some good stuff at the dentist's office. Or in a reading room at a men's club."

"How do you get into a men's club in the first place?" Ray did a double take.

"Well I don't go during normal hours when there are people there obviously!" Pam snorted. "Not anymore. Since the restraining order."

"Unbelievable…" Mallory glared at her son. "Even Pam can find a way to get into a men's club."

"Oh God! Are you still grinding on about that?" Archer barked. "How long are you going to hold a grudge for that?"

"Oh I don't know. Maybe forever?" Mallory shouted.

"Typical," Archer rolled his eyes.

"Do you have any idea how many sacrifices I had to make just for you to get an interview? To even be considered for that club?" Mallory shouted. "I had to sit through one of Trudy Beekman's god awful self-congratulatory crap-fests and donate money to some stupid charity for orphans. Or cripples. Or crippled orphans."

"Mother I never even went to Yale, much less graduated from it!" Archer shouted. "And we all know the Yale Men's Club almost exclusively only takes members that went to Yale! Which I never did! Well okay there was that one weekend with those co-eds but still…"

"But there are always exceptions! And if you hadn't defiled the Chairman's sister the night before and urinated in the study…" Mallory snapped.

"Accidentally urinated! I had a little too much to drink…" Archer began.

"Stop the presses," Lana rolled her eyes.

"And that vase looked exactly like a urinal! For a men's club those guys were really uptight," Archer snorted. "They even complained when I brought some prostitutes there."

"At your interview! You brought prostitutes to your interview!" Mallory shouted.

"It was a gentlemen's club!" Archer protested.

"NOT THAT KIND OF GENTLEMEN'S CLUB!" Mallory shouted.

"Tell me about it. They were a bunch of uptight pricks," Archer snorted. "I'm glad I punched that one guy."

"I even tried to get him into several other clubs in this city!" Mallory snapped. "But as usual Sterling screwed up! Every single one!"

"Not every single…" Archer began.

"Let me refresh your alcohol besotted memory!" Mallory interrupted. "The Metropolitan Club, where you slept with the Treasurer's sister. IN THE COAT ROOM!"

"I didn't know it was his sister! Those people have a lot of family problems!" Archer protested.

"The Friars Club…" Mallory went on.

"More uptight pricks with no sense of humor," Archer waved.

"The Knickerbocker Club with that bra and panty fight!" Mallory snarled.

"Oh come on! You can't see the irony in that?" Archer asked.

"Wouldn't have been so ironic since you were using the bras of several of the member's sisters and wives!" Mallory snapped. "The Century Association…"

"I told you! I didn't start that fire!" Archer shouted. "It was the lemur!"

"Who gets a lemur drunk and gives it a lighter?" Mallory asked. "Better yet, who brings in a lemur in the first place?"

"Well obviously I was also drunk…" Archer shrugged.

"The Barker's Club…"

"Mother that club closed down due to poor management!" Archer snapped. "That place had problems way before I tried to join! You can't blame that one on me!"

"The Princeton Club…" Mallory began.

"Again I didn't really go to that school," Archer scoffed. "I think…Wait there may have been one weekend…."

"You got drunk and brought in that cab horse which defecated all over their library rug! Which had just been cleaned!" Mallory snapped. "And guess who got stuck with that bill?"

"Who?" Krieger asked.

"As you all can imagine after the fifth or sixth club Sterling was blacklisted from entering any club in this city!" Mallory shouted.

"So what? No big loss! Those places don't allow women and I for one won't stand for an establishment that is so sexist!" Archer scoffed.

"And more importantly a place where you can't score a date," Lana added.

"Exactly! Who wants to just go to some stuffy club full of dudes where you can't pick up women?" Archer snorted. "Besides Ray of course?"

Ray looked like he was going to say something else. Then thought again. "You've got me there."

"Yes, there's a lot of alcohol but there's also a lot of idiots in those places yammering on all the time," Archer snorted. "I don't want to pay for the privilege of having my drinking time interrupted by other people!"

"Especially when you get paid to do that here," Ray spoke up.

"You've got me there," Archer shrugged. "I never understood why it was so important for you to have me join one of those stupid clubs."

"For starters I wanted to surround you with the best and the brightest minds this city has to offer," Mallory began. "That maybe by being around people like that you would aspire to greatness. Instead of aspiring to…THIS!" She pointed to the entire room.

Cheryl looked around. "Who is she pointing to?" She whispered to Pam.

"That you would be surrounded by intelligent people who have intelligent conversations," Mallory sighed. "Instead of being surrounded by…THIS!" Again she pointed around the room.

"Again who is she pointing to?" Cheryl looked around.

"I'm not sure," Krieger looked around.

"A man is only as good as the company he keeps," Mallory snapped. "And who do you hang out with? The Giant Queen of the Liberal Unwed Mothers. Princess Powderpuff of Robotopolis. The Duchess Dunce-inea of Dimwits. The Baroness of Bearclaws and Bodily Functions. The Clone Kraut Knight of Nazis. And the former Dictator of Desperation. Which makes you the King of Fools!"

"Technically I was El Presidente…Not…Never mind," Cyril sighed.

"And even worse is that with you not being a member of any gentlemen's club…" Mallory began.

"I have a Crammers King Card…" Archer interrupted.

"THAT DOES NOT COUNT!" Mallory shouted.

"It does so!" Archer shouted. "I get a free lap dance every other Friday, major holidays and my birthday. Not to mention ten percent off of anything I order. Seriously this thing pays for itself in like two visits."

"I mean with you not being part of an actual club for gentlemen," Mallory gritted her teeth. "And forgoing that to be a club of horny drunken Neanderthals…I don't have an in with those clubs which means I can't get any decent recruits for this agency!"

"There it is!" Lana rolled her eyes.

"Wait, what?" Archer blinked. "Mother how does me being part of a stuffy no-chicks allowed club get you recruits for the agency?"

"Dear God the lack of knowledge you have about your job could fill the Grand Canyon!" Mallory bristled. "And still have room for a few sinkholes in Florida!"

"And this surprises you after all these years?" Cyril sighed.

"Don't you know that all the other spy agencies in the world recruit from high end gentlemen's clubs?" Mallory asked. "Hell that's how half of MI6 was started! And that tradition continues to this day!"

"Seriously?" Archer blinked.

"These clubs are perfect breeding grounds for cultivating future spies with good backgrounds and connections!" Mallory snapped. "And if you had a wealthy or royal family that made it all the better! So much easier to get into places and information!"

"What do they do? Just go down there and set up a booth with a sign up sheet?" Archer asked.

"No you…"Mallory growled.

"Hey there! Would you like to join a spy agency?" Archer called out mockingly. "Sign right up for a life of intrigue and espionage! Sleep with beautiful women! Blow stuff up! Get paid to travel around the world…"

"And catch various venereal diseases," Lana quipped.

"That's what we should do!" Pam spoke up. "Set up a booth at some college and recruit people!"

"Oh sure," Ray rolled his eyes. "Just park ourselves in the middle of a crowded college campus and call out, 'Any y'all want to be part of a top secret spy agency that is outsourced by the CIA? Which no one else is supposed to know about'?"

"Well you might want to work on the patter," Pam suggested.

"Pam even for you that is a stupid idea," Mallory growled. "Besides Krieger already tried that a few years ago and it was a complete failure!"

FLASHBACK!

Krieger was sitting at a booth on the grounds of a college campus. Signs were all over the booth saying: ASK ME ABOUT A CAREER IN THE SCIENCES OF SPYING! JOIN THE KRIEGER ARMY TODAY! WHO SAYS YOU NEED A MEDICAL DEGREE TO BE A DOCTOR?

"Hey kids! Like doing weird cool stuff to people and things? Then being a scientist in a spy agency is for you!" Krieger called out. "Enjoy cool gadgets? And drugs? Then join the Krieger Army!"

Krieger frowned. "Huh. Campuses are supposed to be a prime recruiting location. I wonder why no one is coming up to our booth?"

"Rrrrraarrrrrrr…" A velociraptor in a black turtleneck was standing next to the booth holding flyers.

"What?" Krieger asked the creature.

"Rrrarrrrrrrraaarrrrrrrr!"

"You're pretty judgmental for a guy who was giving blowjobs to trannies a few days ago," Krieger folded his arms. "Which reminds me there's a little art film I need your help with."

"SQUEEEEEEEEE!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"

"PIGGLY! STOP EATING THAT FOOTBALL PLAYER!" Krieger shouted as he jumped up and chased after his latest project. "WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT EATING HUMAN FLESH?"

FLASHFORWARD!

"Who would have thought a velociraptor would be the least bloodthirsty thing to come out of your lab?" Mallory groaned. "Do you have any idea how much it cost me to not only keep you out of jail but to get the charges dropped?"

"How much?" Krieger asked honestly.

"Ten thousand dollars to the college, another ten to the kid your pig tried to eat," Mallory counted off. "A favor from the police department and five hundred dollars in Policeman's Ball tickets."

"Yeah that sounds about right," Krieger nodded.

"And don't get me started about the stupid PETA lawsuits I had to deal with," Mallory grumbled.

"The pig was eating the guy! Not the other way around as it's usually done!" Archer said. "How could they have a problem with that?"

"Who knows with those vegetable loving hippies?" Mallory barked. "The point is you are all idiots and as usual I have to clean up your stupid messes!"

"I thought the point was you didn't like magazines?" Cheryl asked, clearly confused.

"Look at me," Mallory glared at Cheryl. "Are you in there?"

"Not really sure? Am I?" Cheryl blinked.

"Ugh. Unfortunately I actually do need you lot to help me with an assignment," Mallory sighed. "Especially since Ron is being a pill and won't go with me. Needed at the office in White Plains my ass. He's probably off at the track again."

"What kind of assignment?" Lana asked. "What does the CIA want us to do now?"

"It's not for the CIA. But it is a fact finding mission," Mallory explained.

"What stupid scheme do you have up your sleeve this time?" Archer asked.

"Tomorrow I'm going to a women's luncheon from one of the few clubs I'm still a member of," Mallory said. "And if I just show up alone I'll look pathetic. So I'm taking some of you with me to the actual luncheon."

"That doesn't sound so bad," Lana said.

"While the rest of you spy on the guests using Krieger's surveillance equipment," Mallory finished. "Maybe I can get some good blackmail or something?"

"There it is," Lana sighed.

"So while the ladies and I are at the luncheon, Sterling I need you, Krieger and Cyril to work the surveillance equipment and see if you can get anything," Mallory told them.

"What about me?" Ray asked.

"I just said the ladies are all going to the luncheon," Mallory snarled. "And since the Chairwoman Anise Abberdale-Smythe-Babbington…AKA Bunny…Is only a bad haircut and a few drinks away from joining the Gay and Lesbian community it might not be a bad idea to bring you along Ms. Gillette! Not like you'll be the only one there!"

"Which club is this?" Lana asked.

"The Merry Maidens Society," Mallory waved. "It's a rather new club. Mostly because Bunny thinks the Red Hat Ladies don't drink enough."

"I can see why you would join that club," Pam admitted.

"It's the first annual Friends and Family Luncheon," Mallory explained. "And since I will not have a repeat of what happened at the Colony Club…Thank you again Sterling for getting me kicked out of that club…You are going on the surveillance team! Got it?"

"For the last time Mother, Mrs. Butterworth came on to me!" Archer snapped. "So we got caught in the hall closet having sex?"

"It was Mrs. Bathington and you were having sex under the podium!" Mallory shouted.

"She looked like Mrs. Butterworth," Archer protested. "If you know, Mrs. Butterworth was white. And twenty pounds thinner. And blonde."

"She's a brunette! It was her daughter that you also had sex with in the closet at the very same luncheon!" Mallory shouted.

"Real classy Archer," Cyril rolled his eyes.

"Shut it Cyril," Archer told him.

"You shut it!" Mallory ordered. "It's being held at the Tuntmore Hotel Ballroom so it shouldn't be that hard to place surveillance equipment in it!"

"Isn't that one of my places you guys blew up?" Cheryl asked.

"Technically it was the North Koreans and only a few rooms," Archer corrected.

"And we kind of trashed another room and a pool when we got into a fight with Kenny Loggins," Pam added.

"Cheryl I need you to not only give us unlimited access to the hotel, but a few rooms as well," Mallory said. "You're all staying overnight to help Krieger set up. And I want you all to be refreshed and on time for the luncheon which starts at noon. So I'm not taking any chances!"

"Uh no," Cheryl said. "I'm not doing that."

"Why the hell not?" Mallory shouted.

"Because I don't want to," Cheryl shrugged.

"You little…" Mallory looked like she was going to spontaneously combust with anger.

"I'll handle this," Pam sighed. She then slapped Cheryl a few times.

"Now make with the free rooms and room service or else I won't stop slapping you!" Pam threatened. Then she slapped her again.

"EEEEEEE!" Cheryl cheered enthusiastically. "OKAY! Wait…"

Pam slapped her again. "I said wait, damn it!" Cheryl snapped. "Ms. Archer isn't coming to is she? Ooh! Phrasing! Boom!"

"No! Not Phrasing!" Archer snapped. "And are you coming Mother?"

"Phrasing!" Cheryl called out.

"Damn it!" Archer shouted.

"As much fun as it would be to chaperone you idiots…" Mallory growled. "I think I will forgo the pleasure and spend the night in my own apartment with my husband thank you very much. I'll meet you all early in the morning so be ready!"

"All right! Then let's get packing!" Pam cheered.

"Eh hem!" Cheryl glared at Pam. "Now you can…"

Pam slapped her a few more times. "Ooohhhh!" Cheryl shuddered with pleasure. "Thank you…"

"Just don't screw this up by screwing around!" Mallory ordered.

"Ugh…I can't believe we have to do this," Lana groaned as Mallory left.

"What do you mean? We get a night out in a fancy hotel! Come on Lana we can pose as husband and wife again," Archer said cheerfully. "We'll act like newlyweds as our cover!"

"Yeah…One little problem with that," Lana gave him a look.

Later that night…

"Oh Jesus Christ!" Archer wailed as he changed AJ's diapers on the bed in the hotel room. "How the hell do you make all that from just breast milk?"

AJ responded with a giggle.

"You know this night might be more fun than I thought," Lana laughed as she watched.

What happens next? Well let's just say you can't take these people anywhere…