"Addison," Vivian called out for the third time and got no response. "Addison!"

Addison snapped out of her trance and turned her attention to her attending, "Yes?"

"Did you get the results for the MRI?"

"What MRI?"

"I asked you to order an MRI an hour and a half ago."

Addison stared blankly at her mentor, "On who?" she asked in confusion.

"On the woman in 317. Mrs. Wilmore, I believe is her name."

"I didn't hear you. I'm sorry. I can go put in an order right now," Addison replied.

"And the labs for the Gelson baby?"

"I'll have an intern get them ASAP.

"You were supposed to have that done already. I was hoping you had read them already. The surgery is in an hour, Addison."

"I know, I'm sorry. I've got a lot on my mind today."

"Then maybe you shouldn't scrub in on the surgery. I don't need a distracted resident in there with me."

Addison shamefully met her mentor's eyes and nodded, "I'll have the labs for you right away so you can be ready for his surgery. I'll put in the MRI order for 317 right afterward."

Vivian nodded. "Good, get on it. And then go take a nap or something. I can't have you this distracted all day."

"I've looked everywhere for you," Vivian said softly after finding Addison sitting alone on a bench outside the ER. She held out a cup of black coffee to her resident, "I've been worried about you. You've been distracted for days now, Addison. If it was just one day I'd let it slide but this is day four."

Addison looked up and accepted the coffee. She watched as Vivian took a seat beside her.

"You wanna tell me what's going on with you? It is not like you to be distracted at work. I've been working with you for a while now and I've never seen you forgetting to put in orders or pick up labs. Everything okay with Derek? Your parents? Did Bizzy get to you again?"

"I might be pregnant," Addison blurted out before taking a long sip of coffee to avoid saying anything else.

"Have you taken a blood test?"

"No."

"Have you taken a home pregnancy test?"

"No."

"Then how do you know if you are or aren't?"

"I haven't had it confirmed yet but I'm pretty sure that I am. I've never been late and I'm late. I'm exhausted. My boobs are so tender that the slightest bit of pressure makes me want to scream."

"And you're not doing a blood test to confirm because you're afraid it'll be negative?"

"I'm afraid it'll be positive."

"You don't want children?"

"I don't know," Addison admitted. "I go back and forth a lot. It's a big decision."

"But Derek wants them?"

"Of course he does. His family is basically the size of a small village. He's known from the very beginning that he wants kids."

Vivian laughed at Addison's comment.

"You don't have kids," Addison pointed out.

"I'm not married either. Marriage just wasn't in the cards for me. Men were so focused on teasing me for trying to beat them at their game that no one ever bothered to woo me. And kids, well, I decided it was more worthwhile for me to dedicate myself to students like you. You know that I think of you as the daughter I never had."

Addison smiled gratefully, "I know. And you're more of a mother to me than my own mother which is why I'm talking to you about this."

"Addie, there is nothing to talk about. I know it can be scary, especially if you're not sure that you're meant to be a mother, but you can't do anything until you know for sure. Once you know for sure, you'll have time to explore your feelings about it. And who knows, it could be nothing."

Addison nodded her head, "You're right."

Vivian put her arm around Addison and gestured toward the inside of the building, "Let's go get you that blood test."

A few hours later Vivian sat at her desk in the privacy of her office with Addison's blood test results in front of her. After going through the lab report she picked up the phone on her desk and called the nurses' station, "Can you please page Addison Shepherd to my office?"

"Dr. Shepherd is in surgery, Dr. Carlsmith. She's got a c-section on the board for premature twins. Once she's delivered she'll be in the NICU with the premies."

"Let her know to stop by my office as soon as she has a chance."

Two hours later Addison softly knocked on her mentor's office door and waited for permission to enter. "You paged?"

"I have your test results," Vivian told her. "Take a seat," she suggested.

Addison sat down on one of the chairs in front of Vivian's desk. She quickly paled at the prospect of the news she was about to receive.

"Do you want me to tell you or would you like to see the results yourself?"

"Tell me."

Vivian offered the woman a smile, "You're pregnant."

Addison's eyes widened just slightly as the words came out of the older woman's mouth.

"Based on the hCg levels here, I'd say you're about between seven and eight weeks," she continued. "Are a congratulations in order or would you prefer for me to give you some time?"

Addison slouched down in the chair and sighed heavily. "I can't believe this is happening. We're not ready for a baby. I'm not ready for a baby. Derek and I are always so careful."

"Well, Addie, if you're sexually active then this is always a possibility no matter how careful you are. Are you on birth control? If you are you'll need to stop."

Addison covered her face with her hands, "What the hell am I going to do? I can't become a mother right now. I work more than twice the hours of an average full time mother."

"Addison, you have options. You don't have to figure this out right now. You can take some time and decide. This is not the 1950s. If you decide this is not what you want you can choose to have an abortion. You can choose to put the baby up for adoption. It's up to you."

She shook her head, "I can't abort Derek's baby…"

Vivian could see the tears starting to build up as her eyes grew redder. She knew that Addison was raised never to show emotion in public and seeing her slowly breaking down in front of her was difficult. A part of her, the maternal part that had developed as she became closer and closer to Addison, wanted to comfort her. She wanted to hug the younger woman and tell her that everything would be okay. Another part of her, the professional, experienced physician, knew it was best to remain neutral and unattached. She just didn't know which side to listen to.

"Derek will be a great dad. And I have 9 months to learn how to be a decent mother."

"You will be a great mother," Vivian reassured. "Addie, you are very maternal. You are patient, calm, warm, and supportive but you can be firm when needed. Being a resident with your own group of interns is great prep for parenthood," she joked.

Addison let out a small chuckle.

"You won't have to do it alone. As your friend, I'll be there through every step of the way. You won't go through any of it alone. And I may not be a mother but I've got a lot experience that I'd love to share. And as your mentor and boss, I'll make sure everything goes smoothly. We can adjust your workload to meet your needs."

Derek's lips curled into a goofy grin as his knees gave in to the moment and left him to fall into a seated position on their bed behind him. "A baby?" he asked just to make sure.

"A baby," Addison affirmed. She couldn't help but smile because of the look of sheer glee on his face.

"A little, tiny human being that we made?"

"Yeah, I guess that's another way you could word it," she said as she sat on his side of the bed beside him. She's always imagined announcing her pregnancy to her husband in a more creative way. She didn't mean to blurt it out after they got home exhausted from a 24 hour shift.

Silence took over, Derek's smile continuing to grow as the images played in his mind. A baby. His wife was pregnant with his child. They were going to become parents to a child they created.

"Are you happy?"

"I wouldn't say that."

"You wouldn't?" Addison asked in surprise.

"Happy doesn't feel like it encompasses what I'm feeling right now. I don't know if there is a word that explains what I'm feeling. This is everything I've ever dreamed of. Everything. Is that legal? To have it all? Because perfection isn't supposed to exist but I feel like I'm living a perfect life. I've wanted three things my whole life. I wanted to be a doctor, a surgeon. I'm a neurosurgical resident at Mount-fucking-Sinai. I wanted to be a husband, a good husband. I wanted to be a good enough husband to make my father proud of the man I've become and I wanted to marry a woman who would make me a better person. I ended up married to Addison Forbes Montgomery. Now I realize that you are Addison Forbes Montgomery so you might not understand what that means but you were the woman every man in med school had wet dreams about. Brilliant and oh-so-very-sexy. And of all those guys, most of whom were better than me, you chose me. And now, as if my life wasn't a fantasy enough, you're having my baby. I've always known that I want kids, that I want to be a father and you're giving me that too."

Addison's eyes glossed over with tears. She knew he would be happy but this was more than she expected. He was thrilled and she was scared out of her mind, no where near ready to become a mother.

"Are you crying?" Derek asked suddenly, the grin on his face quickly replaced by a concerned expression. He placed his arm on his wife's back and rubbed soothing circles, "Honey?"

"Hormones," Addison lied.

Derek nodded understandingly. He moved closer to her and pressed his lips tenderly to her temple as she struggled to stop herself from crying. "I love you more than you'll ever know," he said softly.

The comment made her lose control and he heard an audible gasp of air escape from her lips as she battled for the slightest bit of composure.

"Addie, you're not okay," he mumbled as he continued to gently rub her back. "I know this must be scary for you."

Addison nodded just slightly, "I just wasn't expecting it. This isn't how we planned it. We were gonna wait until after residency."

"I know," Derek said calmly. "But that doesn't make this any less exciting. So it happened a year earlier than we had wanted; in the long run that won't matter. We'll find a way to make it work. This last year of residency may be harder on both of us with a baby but we'll find a way to make it work. Besides, after residency comes fellowships then comes attending positions then we're battling it out for head of department positions and then chief, it never slows down. There will never be a right time if we keep waiting, our careers never get easier. Next thing you know, we're 45 year old attendings who missed the chance to have kids because we kept waiting for the right time. The timing may be difficult right now but this is the most amazing thing that could have happened. We'll find a way to make it work."

"You promise?"

"I promise."

"I can't do this," the woman sobbed.

Addison looked up to meet her patient's eyes, "Just one more push," she encouraged. "I just need one more big push and I can do the rest."

One loud groan and a strong push later a small, lifeless body slipped into Addison's hands. She quickly cut the cord and handed the stillborn baby to the nurse beside her. She went back to work, attempting to get through the afterbirth as quickly as possible so she could leave the room.

"Can we see him?" The father asked with tears in his eyes.

Addison met his gaze and nodded, "Of course," she replied and looked over her shoulder at the nurse. "Just give her a minute. She is cleaning him off."

Just moments later a nurse returned with the lifeless premature infant wrapped in a blue towel. She placed him in the mother's arms then went to stand beside Addison.

"I can handle things for a bit if you'd like to call another resident to take over the afterbirth."

Addison nodded her head and quickly exited the room. She had a resident paged and the moved as fast as her legs could carry her toward the physicians' lounge.

"Dr. Carlsmith, have you seen Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd?"

Vivian, who was in the middle of eating her lunch, looked up at the nurse. "I haven't seen her," she replied. "Have you checked the board? She's working on two fellowships at once. She doesn't have the luxury of downtime. I'm sure she's somewhere."

"She's not on the board, she's not in any of the galleries. I called the research library, called the lab and radiology. Checked the lounges and called the ER."

"Cindy, I know I'm her attending and her mentor. I know that we are very close but I don't have a tracking device or a bell on her. I don't know where she is all the time."

The nurse nervously nodded, "I know. It's just that I need her to sign off on this order for the patient with the stillborn from this morning."

"Addison delivered a stillborn this morning?"

"Yes."

Vivian sighed, she closed the lid on her takeout container with a half of a bitten sandwich and wilted salad. She held it out to the nurse, "Can you take this to my office and leave it on the desk? I'll get to it after I find Dr. Shepherd."

On nothing but a hunch, Vivian stepped out into the ambulance bay and found her mentee sitting on the bench with her head buried in her hands. She sighed and took a seat next to the younger woman. "People have been tearing this place apart to find you," she informed the resident.

"I needed a minute."

"Rumor has it you've been MIA for hours."

"I needed some time. I just," she paused, turning her head toward Vivian, "I needed time away from patients to get the image out of my head."

"I heard about your case. I'm sorry. I can't imagine how difficult it would be to witness that when you're pregnant yourself."

Addison nodded, "I don't even know what this is!" She exclaimed in frustration. "I've seen it before. I've delivered stillborns before. I see so many devastating cases but today it hit me like a ton of brick."

"You're becoming more maternal," Vivian told her softly.

"What?"

"You had some maternal qualities before. But those were just a part of your personality. Now it's different. You're changing. Now you're worried and protective. And that change in combination with the massive hormonal change is bound to make you emotional after seeing what you saw."

Addison wiped the tears from her eyes and said, "I guess that's a logical reason."

"It is," Vivian nodded surely. "On the down side, you've been able to hide your bump with scrubs so not too many people know what's going on with you. I'm fairly certain that the nurses and interns all think you're falling off your rocker because of your reaction to this case."

Addison chuckled, "Most of them stopped liking me when they discovered I'm married to Derek so I've learned not to pay attention to their opinions."

"Most people take it very personally when they find out he's married," she agreed. "And then the plastics guy, Mark I think you've said, sweeps in and sleeps with them to make up for it. But seriously, Addie, you can't hide the pregnancy forever. It's okay if people find out."

"I don't want them to look at me different. I don't want them thinking I'm any less capable now or that I can't keep up with male residents because of this."

"Addison, you're the only person I know who chose to do two fellowships at once. No one has any right to think you're less capable. Others would have crumbled under the pressure in your place."

Addison nodded her understanding as the woman got up from the bench.

"Now get back to work. You don't have the luxury for free time when you're working on two fellowships."

Addison got up, wiping any stray tears from her face before following behind her mentor. "Vivian," she started again when they both stopped to wait for the elevator. "Thank you. For today, for every day. I couldn't do any of this without you."

Vivian smiled at her and put an arm around her shoulders, "Don't thank me. Like I said, I think of you as the daughter I never had."

Addison laid on the bottom bunk in one of the on call rooms. The dull ache in her back had been bothering her for days. She knew came with the territory with the 14 extra pounds she had gained, making her the heaviest she'd ever been in her life. It was much, much less than what most women gain during pregnancy but that provided little reassurance because every extra pound made it that much more difficult for her to be on her feet all day. She also knew that she would continue to gain weight as her baby got bigger and she could only imagine how difficult that was going to be.

A very loud, annoyed groan left her lips when her pager went off. She reached for the small device, ignoring the temptation to throw it against the wall, and checked the screen. ER ETA 4 mins. ER patients were always the most physically demanding, the running, the fast pace of treatment- just the thought brought tears to her eyes.

"Fancy running into you here," Derek commented when the elevator doors opened for his wife to step in.

She rolled her eyes in response and walked toward the back of the elevator so she could lean against the wall.

"You okay?"

"My back is killing me. I feel like he's grinding his head against my spine."

"He?" Derek asked, brows shooting up with interest. "Did you look? You said you wouldn't look."

Addison had insisted on opting out of knowing their baby's gender. She promised she would fight any urge to run an ultrasound on herself. She would look away during prenatal appointments that involved risk of seeing the fetus' lower half. She swore she wouldn't look in her own chart which contained full view printouts of their child. Derek admitted that if he were in her place he would have peaked a long time ago.

"I didn't look. It is just a hutch. But I'm only 32 weeks and I feel like a beached whale. That obviously means I've got a mini Derek in there."

"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked, faking offense. He learned early on that he shouldn't take any of her hormone influenced comments seriously.

"Your mom says you were her most difficult child from the very beginning."

"I was an angel."

"She was hospitalized twice for exhaustion because you would kick so hard at nights that she couldn't sleep," Addison reminded him. "Luckily your mini-me isn't that bad but still. I still have 8 weeks to go, Derek. That's two months. I'm not supposed to go on maternity leave for another 3 or 4 weeks. I can't last that long if he continues like this. I've got a case in the ER right now. By the time I waddle over there my patient might be dead."

"You are not a beached whale. Vivian is worried that the fetus is not large enough for this stage of gestation. You can't be a beached whale if you're doctor says you're on the low end of the bell curve."

"Derek, don't bring statistics into this," Addison rolled her eyes and leaned off the wall, flinching as full weight was back on her feet.

"Maybe it wouldn't be so difficult to be on your feet if you gave up those death traps," he mumbled, pointing down to the four and a half inch stiletto pumps on her feet. By the end of her shift her feet were swollen to twice their usual size.

Tears quickly built up in Addison's eyes and she struggled to keep them in control.

"Are you crying? No, don't cry. I didn't mean that. They're gorgeous shoes, Ad. They're not death traps," he retracted quickly, closing the gap between himself and his wife to wrap his arms around her and comfort her.

Addison nuzzled her head into his shoulder for comfort. "I can't do this. I cry over everything. I can't keep up with the pace of my job. I'm expanding faster than humanly possible. I feel like I'm losing control of my life."

"You are not losing control of your life. You are just pregnant. All of this is only temporary," he promised, gently rubbing her back.

"Addison, honey, I know you're tired but on the count of three I need you to push." Vivian told her, hand on her knee supportively.

Derek pressed a kiss to her temple, "Almost there, Addie."

"I can't, I'm not ready to be a mom, Derek. I thought I was. I thought the last seven month preparing did the trick but it didn't. Apparently you get to this point and realize this is happening too fast."

"Honey, the baby can't wait until you feel ready."

Vivian glared at Derek, "I'd kick you out of here after that if you were my husband." she muttered through her gritted teeth. "Addie," she started, pulling off her gloves and tossing them aside. She went to stand by Addison's side and took her hand. "You're ready. You are already a much better mother than so many women we've both seen come through those doors. A much better mother than some women we see coming in here for their third or fourth kid. You are ready. And the only way you'll understand that is when you hold your little miracle. And the only way we can have you do that is if you push with the next contraction."

Addison met her mentor's eyes, "Carlsmith, if my baby pops out while you're standing here I'm having your medical license revoked."

Vivian laughed and moved back to settle herself on the stool at the foot of the bed. "See, already so protective." she teased. "Your next contraction should come in about 10 to 15 seconds. Push as soon as you feel it."

Something between a groan and a painful sob escaped Addison's lips as she pushed. Derek cringed in pain as she crushed his hand with hers. He did everything he could to keep himself from screaming louder than her.

"Head is out, Addison," Vivian announced. "One more big push for the shoulders and you're done, sweetie."

Squeezing Derek's hand harder, she pushed with all her strength.

"It's a girl!" she heard her mentor announce and sighed heavily, falling back against the bed to take breath. She felt Derek let go of her hand to accept a pair of scissors from a nurse to cut the umbilical cord. Before she had time to react a warm, tiny body was placed on her chest, wrapped in a pink receiving blanket. Her arms instinctively moved to cradle the baby. Just by looking at her, Vivian knew all of her concerns had melted away.

Two hours after the delivery Vivian stepped into a dimly lit private room and smiled widely at the scene in front of her. Addison was sitting up in bed nursing her newborn daughter while Derek was napping on a very uncomfortable reclining chair.

"Do you want me to come back later?" she asked softly.

Addison looked up from the baby in her arms and shook her head, "No, it's okay. You can come in. You've already seen more anyway," she joked.

"How are you doing?" She asked professionally, leaning closer to peak at the baby who was mostly covered by Addison's hospital gown.

"I'm great," Addison smiled.

"Any pain, nausea? Anything I should know about?"

"No, I'm okay."

"And how is the breastfeeding going? I realize it has only been a few hours but..."

Addison looked down at her daughter, "She's still getting the hang of latching so that part can be a bit painful. Other than that it's okay."

Vivian nodded understandingly. She took a seat on the chair beside Addison's bed and set the chart aside, "Now that we've gotten the professional questions out of the way I can stop being your doctor and just be a visitor."

"Do you want to hold her?" Addison offered. "She is done eating and needs to be burped."

Vivian nodded and stood from her seat to take the baby from Addison's arms. She took in the infant's features in awe, "She is easily the most beautiful baby I've ever delivered...or seen, to be honest."

"You might be a little biased," Addison responded with a light chuckle.

"Maybe a little but that doesn't change the fact that she's perfect," Vivian insisted as she positioned the baby on her shoulder to burp her. "How is Derek doing? He looks exhausted."

"He knocked out ten minutes ago. He had a 24 hour shift that ended this morning and when he came home I was in labor so he had to come right back. But he's good. Ecstatic. He wants to call his family but I want some time before they all come and hog the baby."

"Does she have a name yet?"

"She does," Addison met her mentor's eyes and smiled, "Her name is Riley Vivian Shepherd."

"Addison," Vivian was obviously surprised at the name choice. "Honey, I really appreciate that. It's a huge honor but are you sure? Your mother and Derek's mother…"

"You're more of a mother to me than my own mother. You've been there for me through everything. And even if you weren't, I'd never name my child Beatrice. And Carolyn's already got like three grandkids named after her. Besides, it doesn't matter what they think. You are like a mother to me which means you'll be like a grandmother to my child. She's our daughter and Derek and I are both in agreement about her name."

"If you had a boy, would you have named him Richard?"

Addison shook her head, "Give my child a name that shortens to Dick? Doubtful. But Derek's urging me to reconsider should we ever have a son."

"Well, it means a lot to me, Addison. Thank you." Before either of them could say anything else, Vivian's pager buzzed. She frowned as she passed the baby back to Addison. "I'll be back for more cuddles as soon as I can," she said, brushing a light kiss on the baby's forehead.

"We'll be here," Addison replied as she brushed her finger against her daughter's soft cheek.

"Addison, if I come back here and your mother-in-law and mother are here and ready to hang me for stealing their thunder, I'm gonna blame you."

"You'd throw me under the bus like that? I just spent hours in labor birthing your namesake."

"Your mother is a scary woman. I don't want to risk getting on her bad side."

I should be writing the most important paper of the semester. Instead I finally got around to editing this story to be post worthy. Part two coming soonish.