Hey everyone, you have permission to boo me for leaving you so long without an update. I'm so sorry for the delay. Things just haven't been easy and it's been a struggles. Most days, I'm just trying to stay normal and it's not so easy and I'm not always successful. I hope you enjoy this chapter and I just want to say a big sorry again. For those who are regluar readers, I am posting a whole host of updates tonight. Just wanted to make sure I got updates posted before next year starts.

Some triggers for suicide

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Morgan finished wrapping the fresh bandage around Reid's arms. He'd held Reid for over ten minutes as the shock of seeing the wounds he had self-inflicted took its toll. Reid had calmed down enough for Morgan to change the bandages but had remained silent the entire time. "There you go. All cleaned up."

"I don't like seeing them," Reid spoke quietly as he kept his focus on the lake. "I didn't know they were so bad. I barely remember doing them. I-I-...you don't need to hear this. I'm sorry."

"Reid, you can talk about it. It will help if you do. You said you needed a brother and I'm here. Let me help you."

Reid closed his eyes and took in a shaky breath. "I only remember fragments. It's almost as if I was in a trance. Something broke inside of me after that last nightmare. The part that broke was already so fragile and that nightmare just obliterated it. I remember feeling so much guilt and pain. I broke the plastic off from one of the razors in the bathroom and all I kept thinking was that this was my penance for letting Maeve die."

"You didn't let her die. You did everything you could," Morgan said as put his hand over Reid's hand. "Diane Turner is the guilty one."

"I still have a hard time accepting that she's the only one that bears the guilt. I should have told her to come with me to the BAU the night we were supposed to meet and kept her by my side till we caught her stalker, but I didn't. I let her go into a world I know to be full of evil people. I should have been there to protect her."

"Reid, I was there when she died, I heard the words she spoke and the strength she put behind them. She was a strong woman and knew what she was doing. She wanted to live her life her way. We can't change the past or focus too much of the what ifs in life. You'll go mad thinking about all the things that you could have done. You bear no guilt and you have no penance to pay."

"I didn't think that when I climbed into the bathtub with the razor," Reid shook his head. "I don't remember actually cutting into my arm. I just remember the tiles of Rossi's bathroom and then nothing until the hospital. I guess I'm an evil bastard for making Rossi see what I did. I didn't even care. What kind of person does that make me? He's done so much in the past for me and I repaid him with nothing but horror and blood. If I had succeeded, he would have found my body and I hate myself for that. I did what I did because I thought it would stop me causing so much pain in the world."

"Kid, that would never have happened because we would have felt pain beyond measure if you had died. You're loved and cherished by us all."

"I know I've caused so much pain because of what I did. I'm going to make sure I make it up to you all."

Morgan gave him a small smile. "You have nothing to make up for. You're not going to pay a penance for this because you have nothing to pay for. The best gift you can ever give us all is to keep living and get better. You are one of the greatest things about my life. I always wanted a brother growing up and I got one when I met you. You became the centre of our family. Just never give up and that'll be the greatest act you'll do in life."

Rossi leaned against the door frame as he watched Reid sleep. Morgan had brought Reid back into the house and Rossi could tell that Morgan had broken through to Reid a little more. He let out a small smile and made his way into the kitchen to find Morgan making some coffee. "He's out for the count."

"The doctor said it would be some time before he got back to full strength," Morgan said as he took a seat on one of the stalls and pushed a mug towards Rossi. "He's talking more."

"That's great," Rossi smiled. "I'm scared for him though."

"What do you mean?" Morgan asked.

"He feels safe and at peace here and loves sitting by the lake under a parasol. He doesn't even read. The lake almost hypnotizes him and every now and then, I see this content and peaceful smile touch his lips. He can't stay here forever. The world out there is not a kind place sometimes and I'm afraid that all his progress might fall apart if something else happens."

"We won't let anything happen to him," Morgan said adamantly.

"You know that we can't protect him from everything," Rossi said as he made Morgan see some sense. "I know that he wants life to return back to normal. He wants to go back to the BAU and do his job but we both know that the job is full of danger. We make enemies and those enemies have come for some of us in the past. I don't know if Reid will be strong enough to survive another trauma to his life."

"It's our job to make sure he is strong enough. We must build up what snapped inside of him again."

Later that day

Reid bit into the sandwich that Garcia had given to him. He relished the fresh taste of the tuna and let out a small moan. JJ and Garcia had come to see him and had prepared a picnic basket for him to enjoy. He couldn't stop the touch of the smirk that came to his lips as he watched Morgan stuff an entire small cupcake in his mouth. He tried to speak with the mouthful but his words came out sounding like a cartoon character.

Garcia burst out laughing, then JJ, which led to even himself letting out a small giggle.

Morgan had helped him calm down from seeing the scars from his attempted suicide. A small shiver crept up his spine as he remembered the feeling of cutting into his flesh. At the time, it had brought a blissful sense of relief but now the feeling just brought a deep knaw of shame.

"Reid, what's wrong?" Garcia asked as she noticed the sad look always in his eyes overcome the rest of his face.

"I don't really want to talk about it," Reid bowed his head.

"Spence, talking about what happened is the only way you're going to be able to move past it. You can't keep things inside. They'll cause you more harm than good. We're all here to support you and none of us will judge you."

Reid lifted his head. "I was thinking about the moment I cut my wrists."

"Oh, baby boy, please don't go back there. That's a dark place and not where your mind needs to go back to," Garcia spoke sadly.

Morgan spoke before Reid had a chance to talk. "Garcia, I know we don't want him to go back to that moment but if Reid is going to recover then it's something that he needs to do. The good thing is that we're here to guide him through the dark memory. He doesn't need to face it alone. Reid, tell us exactly what you were thinking."

Reid closed his eyes and took a shaky breath in as the images rushed to the front of his mind and opened his eyes to face his family. "I was thinking about the way the knife felt when it sliced into my flesh. In that moment, it felt like I was releasing all the bad that had ever touched me in my life. Back in that moment, it brought release but now, I just feel shame at myself. I'm ashamed that I wasn't strong enough to ask Rossi for help. He was only down the hall and yet I chose to go into that bathroom to try to end it. I can't hide this. Part of me is still whispering that it's still the only solution," Reid explained as he pulled his sleeves over his hands.

"Spence-" JJ began before Morgan put his hand up.

"Let him finish, JJ. Kid, go on."

"I'm fighting that whispering voice," Reid continued. "Even now, I wonder if I'm going to lose to it. The part fighting it is the part that is telling you all of this. It's the part that will forever carry the guilt over making Rossi the one to see me the way he did. The one to find me in a puddle of blood and forever see it when he looks in that room and even down at his hands. I'm afraid. More afraid than I ever was with Tobias because the unsub isn't in front of me. It's inside of me and I'm going to bear its scars for the rest of my life."

He tensed suddenly as JJ's arms wrapped around him. He relaxed into her arms and laid his head on her shoulder as she held him close. "You won't face this unsub alone."

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