A/N: A WolfStar Muggle!AU written for Jasmin (DelusionalDoll). Prompts used: "I'm an idiot, aren't I?" / "At least you're a good-looking idiot.", book, notorious and superior. I hope you enjoy it!

Also written for: Amelia's The Valentine's Challenge and Sophie's Happily NEVER After! Challenge and Millionaire's Competition on the HPFC. Lastly, a little nod to Jay-Z's "99 Problems" which inspired a small bit of this.

The Back Door

Remus Lupin shivered, turning up the collar of his wool overcoat as he trudged down the London streets. He'd been wandering around the city for the better part of an hour without a clear destination in mind. He dug into his pocket, searching for the one thing that would calm him down. After a few seconds of searching, he removed a small, square box. He fumbled with the box's lid, cursing his heavy gloves. He pulled one off with his teeth so he could pull out a much-needed cigarette.

He studied the cylindrical roll for a few seconds, rolling it in between his fingertips. Guilt filled him, and he knew damn well that he shouldn't be smoking. In fact, he had made it his New Year's resolution to quit. Remus replayed his girlfriend's nagging in his head. Remus, you promised me you'd quit this year, she had accused, snatching his celebratory New Year's cigarette from his fingertips and tossing it into the rubbish bin. You know how much I hate it, especially when you kiss me!

Oh, but my darling Dora, I most certainly am not kissing you tonight. Remus took off his other glove, placed the cigarette into his mouth and lit it. He took a deep drag, allowing the smoke to fill his lungs while he savoured the exquisite taste. There's simply no way I can quit this.

The disastrous events from that evening replayed in Remus's mind. How could I have been so stupid?

He has always hated Valentine's Day and every symbol to mark the holiday irritated him. He loathed the red, pink and white hearts, long-stemmed red roses and diamond jewellery. It was all so cliché. He was convinced that many years ago, a group of chocolatiers, florists, card shop owners and jewellers had gathered one day to create the holiday to drum up business. What better way to line their pockets with the hard-earned money of men aiming to please their women?

And, like clockwork, he fell for it every single year, showering Dora with gifts and treating her to an expensive dinner. After all, the consequences he'd suffer if he didn't take her out were far worse than the financial hit he'd take once the day was over.

He'd managed to completely outdo himself this year. Who willingly shells out one-hundred and fifty pounds per person for dinner? In addition to dinner, he had bought her roses, chocolates and a diamond necklace. He'd also purchased a new outfit to wear to dinner to comply with the restaurant's fancy dress code. Why, I've spent close to a thousand pounds on one damn day. Never again!

To make matters worse, Dora had openly complained about everything. She had whined about the restaurant's décor (too modern), the placement of their table (too far away from the window where everyone could see them) and their waiter's accent (too low class for such a posh place). To top it all off, she had hated almost every course, forcing Remus to eat her leftovers, not that it was much. How could one tiny cube of meat on a spoon classify as a course? The dishes had looked more like works of art. Never again!

XXX

Up ahead, Remus noticed a group of drunken couples. Their loud voices cut through the relatively silent night. Remus groaned as he watched a woman, teetering on sky-high stilettos, almost tumble to the ground. He never understood why women insisted on wearing such impractical shoes. Thankfully, her date caught her first, laughing loudly the entire time.

He turned the corner and headed down an alley to avoid running into them. Seeing their blatant happiness only frustrated him. He could be like one of those men, off someplace warm to spend some quality time with a loved one.

That would have happened had Dora let him take them to their usual spot, a cozy bistro walking distance from their flat. And for a moment, he felt a little guilty for his contributions to the evening's events. But, he wasn't entirely at fault.

He leaned against the brick wall, finishing the rest of his cigarette while he attempted to clear his mind. I really should go home. Dora and I should talk about this. I suppose I should apologise while I'm at it.

Yet, home was the last place Remus wanted to be that night. Besides, there was no way Dora would discuss what happened with him like a civilised adult. Hours of arguing and crying (on her behalf, not his) awaited him.

His stomach growled in protest, another reminder of the meager meal he had consumed. I might as well have a bite to eat first, he decided, dropping his cigarette into a rubbish bin. After all, I cannot argue with Dora on an empty stomach!

"Amelia, my darling, you look so sexy in that dress. I cannot wait another minute," growled a man to Remus's left. Remus groaned as he watched the man pull a woman into the alley. He pushed the woman up against the wall and began peppering her neck with kisses.

"Oh, Oliver, you cannot possibly be serious," she chided. "What if someone sees us?"

"Please, love," begged the man. His hand crept up her skirt, eliciting an audible moan from the woman's lips. "I want you so bad. You want me too, don't deny it. No one will see us," he reassured her, turning her so her front was pressed up against the wall.

"All right, but be quick about it."

Remus headed down the alley, not wanting to overhear the amorous couple's lovemaking. Thankfully, they hadn't spotted him standing a few feet from them. He passed by several pubs, most done up for the holiday and filled with couples. One was filled to the brim with women. Remus immediately strode past that one, having had enough of them for the night. A book bar looked sorely tempting, but he would be liable to spend the rest of the night there, so he crept past it.

At the end of the alley, he noticed a plain black door. No awning hung over it like the other pubs. He looked up and did not see a placard bearing the pub's name. Ever curious, Remus pushed the door open and stepped inside.

XXX

The pub was filled with dark wood furniture, leather chairs and was dimly lit. A billiards table was set up toward the back of the room. He immediately liked the décor, clean and modern, yet warm and welcoming.

Best of all, not a single woman was in sight! This is exactly what I needed, Remus thought, sighing happily.

He headed to the bar, securing the last available seat. He removed his overcoat and suit coat, laying both over the back of his chair. I'll have a pint of your best stout," he told the bartender. "Thanks. By any chance, do you serve food?" Remus asked, taking a sip of his beer.

"We sure do," the bartender replied, handing Remus a menu. "I'd go with the fish and chips or the burger. Both are really good."

Remus surveyed the menu, getting distracted by the Chelsea and Arsenal football game on the telly. The two teams were tied at a goal a piece with twenty minutes left. Remus had missed the majority of it, much to his chagrin. C'mon Arsenal! You can do it!

"Decided yet?"

"I'll have the burger," replied Remus, turning his attention back to the game.

Ten minutes later, Remus's burger arrived. His mouth watered at the sight and smell of it, and his stomach grumbled in appreciation. He loosened his necktie, rolled up his shirt sleeves and dug in. He was so engrossed in his burger and the game that he did not notice a dark-haired man, a few spots down staring at him.

XXX

Sirius Black frowned, glancing at his iPhone 6s then back at the man seated several spots away from him. It's got to be him! His hair looks spot on… as does that necktie. Though, mustard yellow's not his colour at all. He'd look better in a deep burgundy.

Sirius wanted to see the man's face to confirm his suspicions, but the man's attentions were elsewhere. I bet he's wagered money on the game, Sirius concluded. No man in this particular pub cared that much about football, which totally gave the mystery man away.

Oh, but I bet he's got no idea. Sirius chuckled as he watched the man misinterpret the intentions of another man who was blatantly flirting with him. He really has no idea. Poor lad! Perhaps someone should probably tell him, Sirius contemplated, double tapping on his phone screen so he could get a better look at the man's picture.

Sirius's phone buzzed. Sirius glanced down at the message, which contained a link a video that was going viral. He shook his head and tapped a response. Seen it already, thanks though! Hilarious, isn't it? The reply came a second later. Yes! That man's my hero!

"Hey, do you think that guy over there is this guy?" Sirius asked the man next to him, showing him his phone.

"Oh for sure," answered the man, studying the picture. "Not a bad-looking bloke, if I do say so myself."

"No… not at all," Sirius agreed, moistening his dry lips. "I may as well make sure, right?"

"Yeah, good luck with that!" the man called as Sirius walked away.

XXX

"Well, if it isn't the notorious Moony310!" boomed a deep voice from behind Remus. A large hand clapped his shoulder. "You, my friend, are trending! I must commend you! You dared go where no other man has gone before. Men will sing songs praising your bravery! You, my friend, are a visionary! And, pray tell, what pushed you over the edge?"

Remus turned around, a frown etched on his face. "Excuse me, I'm sorry, but do I know you?" he questioned, looking up and down the tall, dark-haired man standing behind him. He didn't look familiar.

"No, Moony, but I know you. Everyone knows you."

"What are you talking about," Remus demanded, his frown deepening. He just wanted some alone time and now this strange man was harassing him. "Who are you?"

"I'm Sirius."

"You're Serious? That's a rather odd name."

"No. It's Sirius," the man corrected, drawing out the syllables of his name. He stuck his hand out. "I take it Moony isn't your real name?"

Remus shook his head, trying not to blush. "It's Remus," he replied, shaking the proffered hand. Remus's fingers tingled at the contact, amazed by how soft Sirius's skin felt. "So, why am I trending?"

"Have a look." Sirius handed Remus his phone.

"Bloody hell!" exclaimed Remus, his face flushing as he scrolled through Sirius's Twitter feed.

His row with Dora had been posted on the Internet, and a soon-to-be ex-friend had identified him. Thankfully, only his Twitter handle had been disclosed. Another diner had posted a play-by-play, complete with predictions on what would happen to their relationship. It shocked Remus that some people thought the couple would work it out and stick together.

The American news and entertainment site, BuzzFeed, had gotten wind of what happened and posted an article titled "London Man Goes Bonkers at Fine Dining Restaurant".

"There's a video," Sirius stated, touching the phone's screen with his finger.

"Oh shite…" Remus moaned as he watched the video play.

"Do you really think I'd propose to you right now when someone else's already done it?" yelled Remus. "I've told you a thousand fucking times that I am not ready for marriage! You cannot force me into this!

"Then why in the fuck would you take me to this place?" retorted Dora. "We've been together for five fucking years, Remus! Shit or get off the pot!"

"I took you to this place because you insisted upon it, and I knew that you'd bitch and whine if we didn't come here. So, here we are. Do you even know how much fucking money this whole evening has cost me? No, of course you don't! You don't give a shit, do you? All you care about is when I'm going to propose. What the fuck makes you think I'm going to propose when you've been an ungrateful bitch all night?

"Of course I care, Remus…" In the video, Remus looked down at his lap. "Are you even listening to me?" screeched Dora. She walked around to his side of the table and grabbed his phone from his lap.

"You're watching the fucking game? I'm trying to have a bloody conversation with you and you're watching the fucking game? Well, you know what, Remus – I'm leaving! You can go fuck yourself! Fuck you!" Dora yelled, chucking his phone into the champagne ice bucket before she stormed off.

"Ugh…" groaned Remus once the video concluded.

In the comments section, memes had been posted using the best bits of their argument. Some were quite creative and funny, but Remus couldn't help but feel ashamed of his conduct. He should have known better.

XXX

"I'm an idiot, aren't I?" Remus asked, handing Sirius back his phone.

"At least you're a good-looking idiot," declared Sirius. The dim light bounced off Sirius perfectly even white teeth. He bit down on his bottom lip, causing Remus to squirm in his chair.

"I beg to differ, but thanks anyway…"

"No, you are!" Sirius insisted.

Remus wrung his hands in his lap, not bothering to prevent a blush from colouring his pale cheeks. "Thanks. You're not so bad yourself." He looked down at his lap; completely missing the big smile on Sirius's face.

"So, how's your phone? I cannot believe she did that." A seat next to Remus opened up and Sirius slid into it.

"I know, right? It's fucked." Remus pulled his phone out of his pocket and placed it on the table.

"An iPhone 4?" Sirius observed, brushing his fingers against the soaked leather case. "Man, she did you a favor," he chuckled.

Remus glared at Sirius, feeling oddly embarrassed about his outdated phone. He did want a new one, but their finances were tight.

"I'm not sure if it'll work, but you may be able to save it."

Remus cocked an eye up at Sirius. "Is that so?"

"Might you have a bag of uncooked rice?" Sirius asked the bartender.

"Maybe, lemme ask the cook."

XXX

The two men sat in silence. Remus kept his eyes glued on the game. Sirius, on the other hand, kept his eyes glued on Remus. He found it adorable how Remus was the only one in the bar paying attention to the game.

"YES!" roared Remus, pounding his fist on the bar. Arsenal's star player had just scored the winning goal.

"You a big Arsenal fan?" Sirius did not peg Remus to be the sporty type. He seemed far too reserved and bookish for that.

"No," Remus responded, shaking his head. "I bet on it," he explained, lowering his voice to a whisper. "I just won back nearly all of what I spent on Valentine's Day!"

"Congrats, mate!" Sirius exclaimed, clapping him on the back once more.

"Here you go," announced the bartender, dropping a small bag of rice in front of Remus and Sirius. Sirius carefully wrapped Remus's phone in a paper towel and dropped it into the bag.

"You'll want to let it sit for twenty-four to thirty-six hours. The rice should help soak up the liquid. I've done this with water and it worked. If it doesn't, I know a guy who can cut you a deal on a new one."

"Got it, thanks," Remus answered, taking the bag of rice from Sirius's hands. Their fingers brushed again, and this time, Remus longed to curl his fingers around Sirius's.

What is wrong with you? Remus shook his head, attempting to clear his lingering thoughts. He pushed his empty plate away and asked the bartender to give him his check.

XXX

"Valentine's Day is such a joke, isn't it?" Sirius blurted, not wanting Remus to leave. Something about the bookish, innocent man caught his attention, and he was enjoying Remus's company.

"It truly is," agreed Remus, pulling out his wallet. Sirius watched Remus arrange the notes in a peculiar fashion, smallest to largest and all facing in the same direction.

"So, where are you off to now?" Sirius hoped he hadn't sounded too desperate.

"I probably should go," Remus sighed. "The sooner I get home; the sooner we can have at it."

"I suppose so," agreed Sirius, his heart dropping.

"Oh hey, maybe you know the answer!" Remus turned to face Sirius. Sirius glanced into Remus's amber eyes and grew hot at the intensity of his gaze.

"Yes?"

"Why are all these men here? Are they all hiding from their girlfriends? I've never been to a place like this before, and it's quite fantastic! Good food, good drinks, sports on the telly – what more can a man ask for?"

Sirius's eyed widened and he clamped his hand over his mouth to cover his laughter. A popular rap song about ninety-nine problems but a bitch not being one played in the background. He hoped Remus would understand significance of the song's chorus, but doubted it.

"You really have no idea, do you?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, Remus… you're at The Back Door, a gay bar."

"Fuck me…" Remus's mouth dropped open and his face flushed. He took another look around the room, noticing how close some of the men were sitting next to each other. "No wonder there aren't any women!" moaned Remus, resting his head in his hands.

"That's right."

"So you're –" Remus began, glancing up at Sirius.

"Actually, I swing both ways," he replied, flashing Remus a cheeky grin. Remus's flush deepened.

"But how –"

"Look at it this way," Sirius reasoned. "You're missing out on half the population if you only play for one side. One sex isn't superior to the other. There are benefits to being with both men and women."

"I never looked at it that way," admitted Remus.

"Besides, between me and you," Sirius began, winking at Remus, "there are just some things that a man can do better than a woman. After all, men have perfected certain techniques since they have a–"

"I get it!" Remus exclaimed, effectively cutting Sirius off.

"Do you really?" Sirius's eyes widened. Perhaps he'd misjudged Remus.

Remus did not reply and crossed his arms over his chest. He did not want to admit it to Sirius that he'd had a brief affair with a man during his university years. They never went all the way, and Remus regretted it. Their relationship had been exciting – far more exciting than the past five years he'd spent tethered to Dora.

Something about Sirius had captivated Remus and he was certain that Sirius would provide him with the excitement his life was sorely lacking. He allowed himself another glance at Sirius's striking physique. He was the epitome of a tall, dark and handsome man. Remus swallowed hard, wondering what it'd be like to run his hands up and down Sirius's toned biceps.

XXX

Sirius laughed to himself, noticing how Remus's gaze lingered on his body. That answers my question, Sirius concluded. It happened a long time ago and he thinks of it from time to time. A few minutes passed before Sirius decided to make his next move. He removed a small book from his bag.

"Is that your little black book?" Remus asked, watching Sirius carefully tear out a page.

"I'm not that kind of guy," Sirius responded, shaking his head. A dark lock fell in front of his face, and Remus fought the desire to brush it away. "I keep my appointments in here. I work as a financial advisor – boring as shit, but it pays the bills. I teach guitar in my spare time."

"Oh, I see," Remus responded, feeling foolish, yet oddly relieved that Sirius wasn't the playboy he pegged him to be.

"Anyway, I'm going to head out – early day tomorrow," Sirius said, putting his book back into his bag.

"Oh, all right." Remus sighed and ran a hand through his sandy brown locks.

Without warning, Sirius wrapped his hand around Remus's tie, dragging Remus's face closer to his. Remus's breath hitched. He could see every one of Sirius's long dark eyelashes framing his sparkling grey eyes. He felt faint, inhaling Sirius's cologne, an intoxicating mix of sandalwood and spices.

Sirius inched forward, brushing his knee against Remus's. He pressed his lips on the outer shell of Remus's ear. Sirius's warm breath sent shivers down Remus's spine.

"If you ever want to satisfy your growing curiosity, call me," purred Sirius, lightly squeezing Remus's thigh as he backed away.

"Oh fuck it," muttered Remus, pulling Sirius toward him. He pressed his lips on Sirius's, tentatively at first, unsure of how to move since it had been many years since he locked lips with a man.

Sirius sensed this, taking control of the kiss and gently guiding Remus through it. After a few moments, they broke apart, flushed and breathless.

"I'll wait for your call," Sirius whispered, pressing a piece of paper into Remus's hand before bidding him goodbye.

XXX

On the opposite side of London, Nymphadora Tonks's high-pitched yell rang through her flat complex, waking some of her neighbours. She was unwilling to believe what she'd just seen in the video a girlfriend had texted her. She could not believe that her boyfriend had snogged another man! And, by the looks of it, he enjoyed every minute of it.

"We are so done, Remus John Lupin!" she shouted, chucking her phone across the room.