Heaven Knows Everyone is Miserable Now

IV.

"Hack it! Hack it! Hack at it!" Kagura cheered, a tremor of excitement in her voice, "No, not like that, 'Pachi. You have to put your weight into it."

Blood splattered all over Kagura as she stepped in front of Shinpachi and, stealing the hatchet from his sweaty grip, lodged it into the skull of the rotter half-crawling, half-jerking its way towards them. Its outstretched hands flopped to the floor with a dull sound made duller by the banality of the act. Putting undead corpses to rest seemed to be all they had done for the past couple of hours as they scoured the pine forest for a path that would lead them away from the town and the thrumming horde sieging it.

Gintoki and Hijikata flanked Kagura and Shinpachi's sides, one to the left, the other to their right. They advanced slowly and carefully, sparing few words to each other and even less to the two kids between them.

Tension gripped Kagura's shoulders as she gazed at the unending horizon of trees, yet it were Gintoki's late comebacks to her playful complaints which told her something wasn't quite right. As they advanced, pine needles crunching under their feet, Kagura wondered at the emptiness in her belly, the air coming up and lodging in her chest. If she thought too much about it, concentrated really hard, her throat almost clenched shut. Since Gintoki had knocked her brother over the head with a metal bar all those months ago she had never again felt true fear. Paralyzing and all-consuming. Killing the rotters was abject work. Dirty, disgusting. Fear and loathing meeting at a standstill she could endure by figuring one for the other. Equating every undead ambush to one of those scares at the movies that used to make her jump in her seat and choke on a handful of crudely chewed popcorn. She wished she could feel it now, that sudden panic that sent a jolt of adrenaline up her spine. Yes, that fear. Not the weird feeling in her gut that told her what she least wanted to hear. What really frightened her.

Gin-chan is scared.

"Tired yet?" Shinpachi stopped beside her, cheeks flushed.

Kagura stared at him silently, cut out of her rapture, and noticed how much she had fallen behind the group.

"It's been a solid ten minutes without you complaining so I turned back." Shinpachi said.

Gintoki and Hijikata's figures crossed Kagura's line of sight about a hundred feet away, disappearing and reappearing from behind slender tree trunks. Their footsteps barely audible.

"I'm fine." Kagura replied stubbornly, refusing to acknowledge the sickly feeling in her stomach.

"It's okay, I get lost in my thoughts once in a while too."

"The only thought I'm lost in is how much more of this fucking forest there is." Kagura groaned, resuming her walk.

Shinpachi fell in beside her, scratching the back of his head, conflicted over the best way to approach her concerns. Should he try to soothe her? Tell her everything was going to be alright? Should he join in with his own gripes? Kagura was pretty sure if he started on the latter the list would just go on and on and nothing would get done.

"What are they whispering about?" she asked, eyes following the two men ahead of them.

Shinpachi adjusted the strap of his backpack, a bead of sweat ran down his temple and he wiped it away before replying.

"I-I don't know. Gin-san is probably being a pain in the ass, trying to rile up Hijikata-san, you know how he is, that's how he de-"

"No," Kagura said, "That's not it."

Shinpachi sent her a curious look.

"What do you mean?"

"Those corpses back there with the gear, when we lost sight of each other," she said, "Every time we hack another rotter they check their clothes, what's in their pockets, they look at the cuts." her voice dropped to a hush.

"Oi, oi, you're sounding way too serious."

"I am being serious, 'Pachi. Wake the hell up."

Shinpachi stopped in his tracks to look Kagura in the eye.

"What do you think they're whispering about?" he asked.

Kagura halted and took a deep breath. Her bangs were slick with sweat and stuck to her forehead. Her pupils had grown wide, darkening her eyes as she met Shinpachi's. In that moment she could tell their pulses beat as one.

"They're seeing how fresh the bodies are."

"The rotters you mean."

"No."

Shinpachi's glasses slid down the bridge of his nose. Like Kagura's, his whole face glistened with perspiration and the moist atmosphere of the forest contributed little to assuage their look. The trees rose taller and closer together the deeper they went. Aside from the lingering stench of rot from the occasional dead bodies, the earthy smell of the undergrowth was everywhere, heightened by the pungent scent of pine tree sap. Above their heads and beyond the spindly tree tops, the sky was cloudy and charged. Humidity had begun to set in their bones.

A deliberate crackle nearby caught their attention and they turned around to see Gintoki walking towards them with a frown.

"Have you had enough of sitting on your asses? Let's get a move on, we ain't stopping here."

"We're not? Who'd know? We've been walking circles for hours. I thought you liked it here." Kagura replied, crossing her arms.

"Not as much as you, by the way you keep dragging your feet."

"We were just catching our breaths for a bit." Shinpachi chimed in, hoping to deescalate the mood.

"Yeah, we've been walking nonstop, I mean, how fucking big is this place?" Kagura's legitimate desperation didn't go unnoticed. Gintoki acknowledged her with a curt nod and a sigh. He gave his eyes a quick rub with one hand and let the other one fall to his waist.

"I don't know how far this forest goes. The map doesn't cover the area very well. We just know there's a railway track farther ahead but for all we know it could take us all day to reach it."

"And we don't have much of that left either," Shinpachi replied, "Day, I mean."

Kagura cursed.

"Yeah," Gintoki looked over his shoulder at the place where Hijikata had stopped to take a swig of his water bottle, "We spotted some kind of shrine to the east a while ago."

"A shrine?" Shinpachi wondered.

"Depending on how long this forest trek goes, we were considering the place in case we needed somewhere to spend the night. This is not exactly the place to pitch a tent."

"We could always go back to the car-" Kagura snapped with emphasis, biting her words, but Gintoki's rebuke came swift, shunning Kagura's line of thought.

"No."

"Why not? We could always go look for another car near the town. We're gonna find fuck all in here!" she cried out.

"It's too risky. You didn't see the size of that horde."

"There could be another one at the end of this pinecone hell!" Kagura shot back, brain overworking itself to churn out a new, better, safer, crazier idea, "The crawlers are not a problem for us. We can bait them into a trap, light them on fire, dispatch them into oblivion. What's a horde? Same work, longer hours. At least we'll be outta here!"

"Kagura-chan," Shinpachi's hand found her shoulder and his soft squeeze was so full of pity Kagura almost threw up. She flinched from him and wiped the sweaty bangs from her eyes.

"You're tired," Gintoki said, voice calm, "I get it, I really do. But we can't risk wasting more time here, and we are not going back."

Kagura pursed her lips, holding back tears of rage. There was that feeling again, coiling and coiling, sucking the air from her lungs. She took a deep breath in a disastrous effort to keep her emotions in check, but Hijikata's approach stopped her from launching a new offensive.

"Are you done with your little chat?"

Gintoki glanced at the two kids and nodded.

"We're losing daylight, we should move."

There was a tense pause before Shinpachi broke it.

"What about that shrine?" he asked.

Hijikata's eyes narrowed and he turned to Gintoki in accusation.

"I told them we saw something, but I-"

"It's not safe." Hijikata deadpanned.

Kagura's chest clenched.

"How do you know?"

Hijikata was silent. Apprehension oozed off him as he deliberated his next choice of words and gauged how much to reveal. How much the two kids could take. Kagura heard her own teeth grind inside her mouth.

"You're keeping stuff from us?" her question came out like a whisper but she read the guilty verdict in Gintoki's face. The fear.

"How do you know?" Shinpachi repeated her question with echoed sentiment, "The dead bodies, how fresh are they?"

Hijikata's answer came flat as he dropped his mask of nonchalance.

"A day."

"Some are fresher still," Gintoki added, "Hours maybe."

"Are we being followed?"

"Probably." Gintoki replied.

Kagura's hand reached unconsciously for her bat.

"More than that," Hijikata said, "We are being watched."

"And you only thought about telling us this now?" Kagura wondered baffled.

"Well, you asked!" Gintoki replied childishly.

"Not now, Gin-san."

"I didn't want to worry you!"

"You're so full of shit!"

"Thanks for the sympathy, I was being sincere!"

"So am I, dipshit!"

"Can we just accept that Gin-san and Hijikata-san were wrong to keep this from us and move on? We should really get out of here." Shinpachi said.

"That's what I've been trying to tell you!" Gintoki cried out in a humiliating screech.

"Hey, incoming." Hijikata's level tone brought the group's attention to a pair of rotters traipsing towards them, their movements slow and unsteady as they pressed against the tangle of dry leaves and pine needles at their feet.

Blood running hot, Kagura rushed forward with her bat and struck one creeper in the head splattering blood everywhere. She wiped a heavy sprinkle from her cheeks and, hearing the second rotter close by, thrust her bat to the side and hit him the gut. The creeper stumbled back and Shinpachi finished it off by sinking his hatchet between its eyes.

"I hear more coming from the left." Gintoki said.

"I'll go."

Kagura pressed on again without asking for permission and Gintoki groaned in disbelief, regretting having spoken aloud.

"She's angry, Gin-san. And you are a bad example. What can you expec-AAAH!"

A steady hand grabbed Shinpachi's hoodie and yanked him back. The zipper of his jacket lodged against his throat, as well as the collar of three layers of undershirts. Shinpachi had little time to address his panic and even less to absorb the smooth skin of the hand clutching his face. If not for the hungry growls roaring by his ear he wouldn't have known what to do. Acting on pure instinct, he dropped his hatchet and went for the blade on his hip, but Gintoki was faster, burying his knife in the rotter's temple. The arms clutching Shinpachi lost their strength. The creeper gurgled a final cry and Shinpachi wrenched himself free.

"T-Th-anks."

Gintoki nodded and regarded the dead creeper on the ground. As Shinpachi regained his breath, he noticed that Gintoki too had remarked on the rotter's mint state. In a previous life it might have been a woman. Now, in her final rest, her hair was tied in a disheveled ponytail that displayed traces of a luscious dark color and perhaps by a trick of the mind, the scent of soap or some flowery milky champoo wafted into the air. The blood dripping from Gintoki's blade seemed redder than usual. Vivid, alive. Shinpachi shuddered aloud. Was this murder?

A crescendo of crackling sounds gave them no pause. Hijikata appeared between Shinpachi and Gintoki, glanced at the corpse and clicked his tongue.

"This is a set up. We have to go after the girl now."

Raspy breaths and moans circled them. Shinpachi and Gintoki followed Hijikata as he darted east after Kagura, following the trail of her kills, which consisted mostly of bashed skulls and leaking brains. They dodged a few roamers, stopping only to deal with the ones blocking their path. The terrain had become more irregular with jagged slopes and low brambles. Thicker and richer trees had replaced the spindly pine trees and opened a window to the sky, letting in a light drizzle of rain.

Gintoki cursed under his breath. He tried not to think about the guilt lodged in his chest, hard at battle with the hysterical fear of never seeing Kagura again. He could hear nothing but the soft shower of rain consuming the forest. He could see no footsteps on the muddy ground. He could smell nothing but the damp earth and the biting iron stench of the blood coating his blade. If he looked up it was only to see if he was still following Hijikata, no time to wonder about the certainty of his footsteps. Shinpachi lurched close behind, but after one too many slips, he fell on a slippery covert tree root and Gintoki lost sight of Hijikata as well.

Heart hammering in his throat, Gintoki helped Shinpachi up, the front of their pants a carnival of mud and leaves.

"I'm sorry Gin-san, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

Gintoki had no reply. His entire mind was a graveyard of apologies with Kagura's face etched onto every tombstone.

They carried on, following what little shape the rain had left them of Hijikata's fading footsteps. Gintoki tried calling out to him several times but received no answer.

"I think he went this way."

Hijikata's trail led them down a zigzagging hill and Gintoki stopped as they came upon a hiking path. Weathered stones and fragments of wood held years of trampled earth. Tiny stone statues of sacred animal deities hid among overgrown tree branches left unattended and devoid of prayers, stony eyes imbued with more life now that they existed for nothing but their own contentment. Hijikata's footsteps disappeared up the path, towards the shrine, little clues stamped on wet dirt.

"Damn that cop." Gintoki groaned. In the distance he could glimpse the roof of the shrine crop among the treetops.

"Is the rain louder?" Shinpachi's question barged into Gintoki's thoughts like a battering ram.

"What?" He looked up at the leafy branch of maple over their heads and repeated the question to himself, "Is the rain louder?" he had never felt as stupid as he did then. The rain falling at the same gentle maddening pace, wetting nothing and everything, making Gintoki's curls shine an impossible silver.

"I think there's a brook," Shinpachi said tentatively, taking the opposite direction of Hijikata's footsteps, "Yeah, I hear it."

"Wait a second, Shinpachi," Gintoki followed him too tired to chastise, "He went the other way, stop-"

"Hey, I see it, I see it, there's a brook over h-here…"

Shinpachi dropped his hatchet and threw his hands up. His weapon fell to the ground like a piece of raw meat, its miserable plop instantly engulfed by the sound of running water.

Gintoki froze beside Shinpachi, gaze fixated on Kagura's red hair.

"Don't hurt her." Shinpachi pleaded.

Kagura's brows were knitted in fury. She struggled against the grip on her shoulder but the blade kissing her neck gave no spare room for movement. Shinpachi cried for her to stop but Kagura only ceased when Gintoki, defeated, threw down his own knife on the ground.

"Gin-chan!"

"What do you want?" Gintoki asked the hooded figure holding Kagura hostage.

"Oh, good manners." the figure remarked, yet there was no trace of a smile in their shadowed face nor glee in their tone, "Just hand over your weapons and medical supplies and I'll let her go."

"That seems fair," Gintoki replied, putting down his backpack and kneeling. Shinpachi and Kagura gasped, much to his chagrin, but inside Gintoki coursed hope at seeing Kagura alive; not entirely safe and sound, but alive. Very much alive.

"Gin-chan, don't be stupid!"

Gintoki pulled a curious number of knives out of his pack, the barber set had enriched his collection inordinately, and threw them in a neat pile on the floor.

"Shinpachi you too."

Shinpachi crouched with a grimace and did as he was told. Unlike Gintoki, who had to rummage his pack for the tiny med-kit he had scavenged from a convenience store a couple of days after quitting his apartment, Shinpachi had three different medical kits he kept revising and adding to. He extracted them painstakingly like a pagan believer sacrificing his only child to appease a ruthless god.

Kagura yelled at him to stop until the blade at her neck began to dig deep and a drop of blood spilled down.

"There you go, all our hard earned scavenging- well, mostly 'Pachi's, but it seems right in exchange for that loudmouth, what do ya' think?"

"Shut up," the hooded figure grunted, adjusting their grip on the knife. Kagura had stopped her squirming and gone quiet, eyes locking with Gintoki's. The figure spoke again. "Now, Four Eyes you are going to empty Mr. Good-Looking-Good-Manner's bag and throw all that stuff in there for me, alright?"

Gintoki and Kagura exchanged confused looks while Shinpachi carried his task.

"Been a while since I got a compliment, maybe you kids could learn something from our friend here?" Gintoki said in a meek attempt to lighten the mood. He hoped Kagura would stop rolling her eyes and take his drift, but the stranger was onto his game.

"I really like you Mr. Handsome, but you have to stay silent," the voice was definitely female, but Gintoki had a hard time registering it as the woman drew a long deliberate cut on Kagura's cheek, "Because this is what happens when you try to charm me."

Kagura hissed with pain and Gintoki lunged forward. Shinpachi managed to grab his wrist and halt him. But then Gintoki exhaled. Relief shot threw him.

"Let her go or you won't even get to rot like the rest."

Hijikata pulled back the hammer of his gun and the clicking sound snapped louder than the entire forest. He pressed the gun barrel into the back of the stranger's head and she withdrew her hold on Kagura.

"Drop it."

The woman dropped her knife to the floor and Hijikata ordered her around, something of the old policeman in his voice.

"Turn around and show me your face."

She pulled the hoodie down and turned towards him. Long hair the color of lavender fell over her shoulders in messy clumps. She wore red-rimmed glasses and her pale complexion though young had acquired the rugged edges of hunger and hardship.

"We have questions," Hijikata said, gun still aimed, "Will you cooperate?"

"Does it look like I have a choice?"

Hijikata lowered his gun and put it back in his holster.

"You were asking for medical supplies," he said, "Do you need help?"

The hard lines in her face dissolved at the question. Something terrible and soft took over her and she collapsed to the ground crying.

The strange woman's name was Sarutobi. Sarutobi Ayame. After her bout of crying she seemed to have embodied a new person, maybe the real one. The Sarutobi that didn't need to trick and hurt people. She kneeled down by Kagura's feet and begged for forgiveness until her forehead bled from striking the rocky ground lading the brook. Kagura and Shinpachi held her by the arms to stop her from hurting herself and afterwards patched up her self-inflicted wound as well as the cut on Kagura's cheek.

Between several outbursts of apology and remorse, Sarutobi answered their questions.

"Were you the one who messed with our car?" Gintoki asked her.

"Yes. To prevent you from going into town and calling the attention of the horde."

"You could have just told us." Kagura said.

"And would you have trusted a stranger?" Sarutobi sighed, "Everyone knows better than that."

"We do," Hijikata replied, "That's why I'm wondering why you set those creepers on us in the forest if all you wanted to do was help us get away from the horde."

Sarutobi let out a small laugh.

"Indeed," she smiled, "That doesn't make me look like a good guy at all. But I thought you were one of them. Looters, I mean."

"Looters?"

"How do you think there's a horde stuck in town? It was them, the looters, call themselves sweepers. They go around looting villages and leave the dead roaming. They don't care who they kill. Living or dead. It's all the same to them. I was just trying- I was just trying to keep them away."

There was a heavy silence as she paused. They were all thinking the same, remembering the same place. The cardboard sign hanging over Katsura's chest that said 'HOPE IS DEAD'. The deserted town. The bodies scattered around. No horde. Just Katsura swinging from a tree after he had put the town to rest.

Gintoki got up from the place he was sitting and walked over to the whispering brook. No one said anything except Sarutobi who asked where he was going. The sound of Hijikata flicking his lighter answered her. He lit a cigarette and took a long drag to collect his thoughts.

"Those creepers were pretty fresh. You killed them? The sweepers."

Sarutobi looked down at the ground. Her lack of reply amounted to nothing short of consent.

"Those are bad people. Bad people." she said, "It's a poor excuse, but I'll take it. Whatever you want to call it, self-defense, survival, fear. I can't risk them coming this way. I can't." her eyes widened and she got up, "Will you let me go? I need to go back."

"Back where?"

"The shrine."

"Is that the place you're protecting?" Hijikata asked.

"Yes. If you don't mind helping me a little more, will you please come?"

Hijikata looked at the kids and they nodded, their expressions filled with resolve. So brave.

"Just give us a minute," Hijikata told her. He turned to Shinpachi and gestured towards Gintoki's solitary frame by the stream, "Go get him. If he says no, tell him we're ditching his sad perm-ass here."

"Yes, sir."

The shrine was well guarded by a perimeter of old stone walls, the sacred fence. Two farm houses stood in the back, attached to the main building, looking abandoned and creaking, their rough edges blurred by the drizzle of rain. Sarutobi led them inside one of the houses, announcing their arrival with a combination of knocks before entering. Inside darkness and heat met them, along with sweet respite from the rain and a man lying in a cot in the center room beside a small gas heater, with a blanket draped over his legs.

"Oi, Sarutobi, making friends?"

"Shut up, ugly."

"Did you get into trouble?"

"No." Sarutobi pouted, covering the bandage on her forehead with her bangs.

The man coughed and she ran to his side.

"Where's your water?"

"I don't know."

"You don't know? What kind of idiot are you?"

"Why don't you introduce us, instead of fussing over me?"

"I'm not fussing over you! Ugh! Disgusting!" Sarutobi took out a water bottle from her bag and passed it to the sick man, "This idiot is Hattori Zenzou. He is not only sick in body but also in the mind."

"What!? Saruto-"

"He is very sick, very sick indeed."

"I'm fine!"

"I've been taking care of him, but I recently ran out of supplies, so that's why I... loot every crawler I find." she said with a mischievous wink.

After formal introductions from the group, they all sat around Zenzou and partook in a meal of scraps, too hungry to bother drying up. Despite the sweltering heat of the room, charged with moisture from the pouring rain outside, there was a thread of giddiness and relief at the communal gathering. It was nice to have new people to talk to. Gintoki couldn't remember the last time he had met people that did not slither away in fear or threatened him with violence, except well, except for the man sitting beside him. Hijikata's knees touched his absentmindedly as he shuffled in his seat, listening intently to Zenzou's words. His profile was all sharp angles and long eyelashes. Gintoki only realized he was staring when Kagura bumped her head against his shoulder.

"Ah, Kagura-chan fell asleep." Shinpachi said.

The group shared a quiet laugh.

"Do you have an extra mattress?" Gintoki asked.

Sarutobi nodded and told him to bring Kagura to the adjoining room. She put down two mattresses for the kids and after a brief discussion Gintoki managed to convince Shinpachi to sleep it out as well.

He returned to the main room to find a bloody scene. Sarutobi had pulled the blanket covering Zenzou's lower body and was tending to the stump where Zenzou's left leg had once been. He groaned as she pulled out gauze after bloody gauze, the blood dark and matte. Gintoki sat down and helped Sarutobi, handing her what medical supplies she needed, manifesting a veritable surgeon's assistant.

"Your kid was really kind," Zenzou said, his face glistening with sweat "I can't thank him enough for providing us with the s-s-shit!" he groaned painfully as Sarutobi applied the disinfectant.

"Too bad he didn't stash a major dose of morphine." Sarutobi whined.

"That t-too!" Zenzou agreed.

"You seem to know what you're doing." Gintoki noted, watching the way Sarutobi went about cleaning the stump.

"She was a nurse," Zenzou replied, "You know, before."

Gintoki nodded and smiled warmly at the frown Sarutobi threw her friend.

"So you guys know each other from way back then?"

"Yea-AAAAHH-"

"You're very talkative today, Hattori." Sarutobi pulled out a particular nasty bit of gauze which seemed to shut up Zenzou for a while. His eyes rolled up into the back of his head and he passed out.

"I-is he dead?"

"He is fine. It happens sometimes. It's better if he is out, honestly."

"You're grim."

"Not as much as your cop." she said a bit cruelly.

"Where did he go?"

"Wash the dishes, take out the trash. He has very good manners." she paused to take a better look at the stump, a foul ooze had begun to spew from between two stitches, "Did you teach him your good manners? He is very good looking too."

There was a short silence.

"Maybe I learned my good manners from him."

"Well, you're still Mr. Handsome to me." Sarutobi said.

Gintoki passed her a pair of clippers ignoring her subtle smile.

"So, what did you do with the leg?"

"Had roast for dinner that day."

Gintoki's stomach dropped. He broke into an uncomfortable laugh when Sarutobi didn't respond.

"G-good joke."

The corners of Sarutobi's lips turned up in a shy, proud smile, but her flirtation went over Gintoki's head and missed his brain by a mile.

Leaves carpeted the shrine grounds, nature immaculate. No human effort to keep the stone paths clinically clean, pristine and welcoming to the devoted and the curious. Hijikata walked the perimeter, gun holstered, yet alert. Sarutobi had been right. Right and smart. Nobody trusted the word of a stranger these days. Survival depended not only on a person's talent to transform anything into a weapon, but on the subtle edge of lies. The lies told others and the lies you told yourself. Whatever got you feeling stronger, indestructible, fearless. Wholesome enough to carry on.

Hijikata didn't cast his trust as far as he could reach his gun. The woman, Sarutobi, had gone way beyond duty and fear to keep the shrine safe. Sure, she could love the sick man deeply, be willing to do anything for him. But the question kept nagging at Hijikata. How long had they been there? Stuck inside that relic of a shrine in the middle of nowhere, no roads to reach by car, only a beaten down path for hikers and new-century pilgrims? Sarutobi had to possess expert knowledge of the forest to be able to set the creepers on them on time. To go in and out of the shadows without notice. And the looters? The sweepers, she had called them. Had she and the man, Zenzou, been running away from them for long? Were they deserters? If so, why had they ran off and ended up here…?

While Hijikata mulled over these questions a dull thud caught his attention from a small shed nearby.

The leaf-covered ground parted as he drew nearer, revealing a clear path from the main building to the shed. Not a shed. The main sanctuary, Hijikata grasped, recognizing the forked timber planks at the ends of the roof. Perhaps a fifth of the main building's size, it stood alone but well taken care of, unlike other quarters of the shrine. The rain fell almost imperceptibly, a thin sleet. Hijikata wiped the dampness from his eyes, his entire body strained.

Thud. Thud.

There it was again. From inside the sanctuary. A sound non-linear. Broken. No wind rattling a loose roof slab.

Hijikata reached for his gun, too riddled with doubts to face danger with a knife. He didn't waste bullets on rotters, the sound of the gunshot brought more trouble than its speedy efficiency afforded. But Sarutobi's ambush had rattled him. The talk of a raider group. The work of complex, morally ambiguous human minds. Deadlier than any famished, putrefied walking corpse.

Thud.

A chain link tied into a knot locked the front double doors. Sloppy. Too lax. Hijikata switched from gun to knife. He undid the knot and opened the doors. The intermittent thudding stopped. The gray evening sky lit the sanctuary poorly, the light fell skewed and faint. At the sight of blood smears on the floor Hijikata's mind raced back to his gun. Pupils blown wide, he searched the semi darkness for a target, yet his eyes kept steering to the wooden floors where an abstract painting of reds stunned him, and more so the smell that hit him next, a rancid stench that cloyed his lungs with iron and compelled him to take a step back in revulsion, stomach hurling.

The gargle of a feeding creeper accompanied the sound of its meandering footsteps. Light and soft. The tiptoeing of a child. The bleak sunlight illuminated the child's face as she came closer to the double doors. Hijikata's determination wavered. Although stale from death, her skin was pale and unblemished. Black hair framed her face, clustered at the ends with clots of blood. Parted bangs displayed a smooth forehead that clashed with the coat of red around her mouth, blood dripping down her chin. Teeth broken, feckless groans. Hijikata took a deep breath trying to get his reasoning back but there was no helping it. He saw the spurt of blood inside the car. Teeth ripping Harada's cheeks. Seita's sobs as a bullet ripped through his mother's brains. Hijikata clutched his knife, hovering it above the little undead girl, studying the best way to subdue her. She was three feet from him when she stopped. Something out of a habit, beyond comprehension. The brief remnant of a previous life. She looked up, eyes glazed, unfocused, colorless. Head tilt.

No. Hijikata had whispered. For a second she had looked alive. Her short haircut prim, radiating light, definitely worth the money she spent on all those fruit-scented hair products. She always smelled nice. Nestled against his arm on the sofa, standing beside him as they walked on the street. And her eyes, so beautiful. Expressive, brimming with kindness even when she felt wicked. Mayo again? She'd ask, head tilting, You're gonna get fat. Hijikata had stared at her lifeless gaze waiting for a teasing remark. She'd grunted, a horrible gasping-for-breath heave, drool running down her mouth, gone.

Hijikata pulled the trigger. The bullet pierced the undead girl's clean forehead, too close for a neat hole. Bits and pieces of her skull flew off and she toppled to the floor like a rag doll. Hijikata released a deep breath, not totally conscious of what he had done, and holstered his gun. He pressed into the sanctuary, immune to the overwhelming stench of blood, searching for more creepers. He found only strange heaps of animal carcasses, one of them long and bloody, too tore into to be distinguishable.

He couldn't speak, he couldn't formulate words to even mention his disgust. Yet, his pulse was returning to normal. Adjusting. Then the screams came.

"Soyo-chan! Soyo-chan! S-Soyoo! Soyo!"

The rain had stopped. Sarutobi tossed clusters of wet leaves aside as she ran towards the sanctuary, voice breaking. Gintoki following close behind her.

"No! No! Noo…" she threw herself at the lifeless body of the little girl crying exasperatedly, long sorrowful seconds of silence went by as her body broke and she gathered enough energy to wail again.

Hijikata trusted her now, crushed with sorrow, honest at last beyond the simple cry of relief.

"What happened?" Gintoki asked, gaze darting everywhere, from the dead girl to the blood-sodden sanctuary.

"I found a feral." Hijikata replied.

Sarutobi moved at the speed of light. She rose and lunged at Hijikata with her blade and struck his arm.

"She wasn't feral, you piece of shit! She was alive! She was still there! You killed her! Murderer! Murderer! I'm gonna kill you, bastard!"

Gintoki grabbed her arm and managed to pull her back as Hijikata, free from her grip, slapped the blade from her hand and then kicked it far away from reach. Weaponless, she struggled against Gintoki's hold, moved by grief and exploding anger. Even through her clothes Gintoki could feel the heat consuming her.

"We are all murderers," Hijikata said, clenching a fist, "She was the innocent one," he pointed at the lifeless body on the floor without looking at it, "Why would you keep her here?"

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" saliva sputtered out of Sarutobi's mouth, hair caught in her mouth, her sobs had returned, shaking her entire body and stripping her of strength. She dropped to her knees and Gintoki's hands on her waist hindered her fall.

"You kept her fed," Hijikata said in accusation, tone charged, as if the anger had transferred itself from Sarutobi to him, "You must have kept her here for a long time. She knew, she knew just like a dog knows. When I opened the door she came to me to be fed."

Sarutobi cried, head shaking. Gintoki pushed the hair from her face to help her breathe.

"Did you feed her people? Those looters you talked about?"

Sarutobi shook her head painstakingly.

"I'm sorry it had to be me," Hijikata said touching the cut on his arm, "She's at peace now."

He walked past her and Gintoki and left the sanctuary.

Gintoki wanted to go after him but Sarutobi's convulsing body in his arms kept him rooted. He patted her back and after a few minutes where she just cried nonstop, he helped her move, leaning her against one of the double doors of the sanctuary.

"What was her name?" Gintoki asked.

Sarutobi whimpered, the named rolled out of her mouth with difficulty.

"Tokugawa Soyo."

"She should be buried."

Sarutobi nodded but remained sitting. Unable to move.

"H-her brother left her in our care. He didn't make it out of the last rescue camp," she snorted back a cry, kept going, "I didn't want to take her, it was too much responsibility, but after the sweepers came and destroyed the camp I had no choice. Zenzou said she was ours now. She was ours." she broke into another silent cry.

Gintoki approached Soyo's body and covered her head with his jacket.

"T-that's ruined now, you idiot." Sarutobi moaned.

"It's just a jacket."

Hijikata found a steel shovel in one of the farm houses and dug a child-sized hole in the ground near the shrine hall. By the time he was done, Sarutobi and Gintoki came around the corner holding Zenzou up between them. The grave was not far from the back porch of the main hall, yet they dumped Zenzou on the muddy ground by request. His hands curled around dirt and leaves and he lowered his head as Soyo's body came into view, Gintoki's jacket still covering her face.

Sarutobi kneeled beside Zenzou, though not before shooting Hijikata a resentful look. Hijikata climbed out of the grave and sunk the shovel on the ground, beads of sweat poured down his face. His only shirt was soaked through, stained with grit.

"The kids?" he asked Gintoki.

"Still asleep. We'll explain tomorrow."

Hijikata didn't protest. He wasn't sure he could look at Kagura and Shinpachi right now.

Moments of silence drifted by until Sarutobi finally spoke.

"We'll take care of the burial. Would you leave us be?"

Zenzou put a hand on her shoulder.

"Sarutobi."

"What? He shouldn't be here."

Hijikata didn't nod, didn't let one emotion effuse. He knew what he had done and turned to go.

"Wait-" Gintoki's words caught in his throat, he missed Hijikata's hand by an inch.

"The sound of the gunshot must have traveled. I'm going to take a look around. You set any traps nearby?"

"I hope you step in one." Sarutobi said by way of reply.

Hijikata left and Gintoki turned to go as well.

"You can stay."

Gintoki's eyes met Sarutobi's a second before she turned them away. He was incapable to refuse.

"Sarutobi," Zenzou said, "What about a prayer now?"

Gintoki sat on the shrine's back porch, giving Zenzou and Sarutobi space. The sky had darkened considerably, sun set behind an immense expanse of clouds. As Zenzou and Sarutobi grieved and whispered goodbyes, Gintoki's mind reeled back to the grave he had dug not long ago, Katsura's grave. His own inability to say anything meaningful, to even reach his friend in time. If only he had been faster. If he hadn't stopped so much on the way. Been so eager to please the kids, to keep them safe. Why was it that the safety of others came only at the expense of somebody else's? That small body under his jacket, how many people had died in her stead? Her brother? Her mother? Her father? Sarutobi might have killed Hijikata for her memory. For a decaying body partially alive.

"Gin-san, can I call you that?" Zenzou asked.

"Go ahead."

"Not trying to clean our image here, I know it looks bad, but I'll tell you," he said, back turned, hunched over his stump, "Soyo-chan was bit when we got to that town overrun with the horde. It was just a dead town when we got here, a few people shut inside their houses, creepers wandering the streets, the usual deal. But the sweepers were hot on our tail, Soyo came from an important government family and they wanted to get a ransom out of her. A way out of this hell. But that doesn't matter," Zenzou sneered, "A way out is not what those people really want any way. The thing is, she was bit and when they found out the ransom idea flew out the window. They decided to have their fun with the town and we escaped here. We didn't have it in us to put her down. She was just a child. Not even thirteen-" he choked back a sob, "It was wrong, we know, we fed her to stop the noise, she wouldn't stop banging against the walls, clawing at the doors and windows. Dead animals wouldn't do. We tried. Well, we did what we could to stop the inevitable."

"She bit you." Gintoki said. Sarutobi started crying again, hands over her face pushing her glasses up her nose.

"Yeah," Zenzou replied, "Very dumb of me, I know."

Gintoki didn't reply. He remained silent until it was time to bury the little girl. Sarutobi got up to pick up the body and he stepped forward. He jumped in the grave Hijikata had dug and held out his hands to seize Soyo's body. The night sky was in full effect when he finally threw aside the shovel and Sarutobi tied a ribbon to a maple branch and set it atop the fresh mound of dirt.

"Let's go inside." she said.

The three of them returned to the farm house, the warmth from the heater comforting and soothing. Gintoki and Sarutobi laid Zenzou in his cot and then Gintoki left them, bare of consoling words.

He stepped out again, walked around aimlessly at first, ill at ease in the stillness of the night, the dark sky without stars or the moon. He found what he was looking for at the steps of the worship hall. Hijikata sat hunched over with his head buried in his hands. Gintoki noticed Hijikata steel himself as he approached. His flinching disarmed him pathetically. Gintoki walked past him up the steps and walked into the shrine to deliver his prayer. He doubted the gods were listening.

"Don't know how much they heard with all this filth about. We're supposed to clean up before prayer but there isn't one stick of incense left in there."

Hijikata was silent. Gintoki sat beside him, a couple of feet apart for good measure. Maybe it was the absence of light or the cold of night, but a crazy need to put his arms around Hijikata threatened to overtake him. He thought about Kagura and Shinpachi sleeping side by side in the quiet room, their breaths a latent comfort to each other in their dreams; Zenzou holding Sarutobi's hand as she dried her tears; Gintoki had not realized how starved of touch he was. How alone. He looked at Hijikata and wondered if he felt it too.

Of course he did.

Gintoki touched his own ring finger with his thumb. How fucking stupid he was.

Hijikata sniffed loudly and wiped his nose with the back of his hand. Even under the shrine's meek candlelight Gintoki could see the dark smears of blood and dirt on his nails. Another body buried.

"So how does it feel to graduate from burning bodies to burying them?"

For a second Gintoki thought he was going to get punched. He had always been pretty reckless with his jokes, especially with the timing, but this one had been a risky gamble. A shameful part of him wondered if he had said it just to get punished. He had censured Hijikata for that very craving in the past. The yearning for reckless abandon that might numb the pain even if only for a second.

But all Gintoki got was a cackle. A short exhale of breath that preceded a quivering intake. Gintoki shifted close and grabbed one of Hijikata's trembling hands without thinking. Their fingers intertwined naturally and he squeezed Hijikata's hand looking for the right thing to say. He said something simple.

"What can I do?"

"I just want to feel something that is not this."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Take it off."

Hijikata didn't move at first. The request felt out of place. He looked down at his dirty shirt and began to unbutton it but Gintoki's hand stopped him. Their eyes met and Gintoki guided him to the ring on his finger. The world stopped. For a second nothing could be done.

"Take it off."

Asking why seemed too obvious, too superficial. But Gintoki answered the unutterable question.

"It's gonna get in the way."

Hijikata had no reply to counter the truth and he didn't want to. He froze in place and lost his chance when Gintoki got up.

"Where are you going?"

"To sleep. Goodnight, Hijikata."