Several reviews have complained about whether Hayate, the puppy who realistically would know no language at all, would "know" curse words. In an effort to appease your desire for realism in this dog-POV fic, a future chapter shall be entirely devoted to the words "woof," "bark," "yelp," and "squirrel."

For the reviewer who liked it but then listed all the reasons they didn't like any of it, calling Hayate's "profanity" unnecessary and uncalled for - Hayate is a surprisingly salty little shit in this crack!fic (as it says in the fic summary), and doesn't really care that his language hasn't been approved by the kindergarten PTA. I find the profanity to be entirely necessary to the story, as it's part of what inspired me to write it in the first place. But I thank you for describing Hayate's Shiba Inu behavior as "cat-like," aka true to form, since that is one of the many special characteristics of the breed - trying to outsmart their masters is one of their specialties.

And a thank you to all of you kind reviewers who are able to recognize this fic for what it is - a nonsensical crack fic resulting from my no longer giving any fucks about writing anything serious. Your words were heart-warming, and I'm glad I was able to make y'all laugh!

Now, Chapter 2 - Hell (The Vet)

I have only blatantly disobeyed my mother once. Of course, I've acted out more than once, but with little things - not getting off the couch for the dark-haired asshole, resisting going on a walk in the rain, peeing on the possessions of those who have displeased me… but overall, I'm a good dog.

But that day… I am proud of my behavior that day. I fucking aced it. Do I feel bad about the inconvenience it ended up being to my mother? Yes. Do I regret it? Hell no!

...

It all started as a normal day at the office when I was six months old. As soon as we entered, Four-Eyes picked me up and had a conversation about me with my mother. I know this because I heard my name as well as "full-bred Shiba Inu." Fuck yeah, I am!

I immediately looked around for the round man, since my mother had apparently forgotten that I had to be fed every morning. I had watched while she ate her breakfast and drank her gross smelling bean-water, pawing at her chair in an attempt to alert her that the most important resident of her house had not been given food. She ignored me. Fucking rude.

I spotted the round man, who was already eyeing me warily, a donut clenched in his hand. If I moved quickly enough, I could probably startle him into dropping it. I prepared to make my move, and -

A yank of my collar jerked me back into Four-Eyes' arms, right as I was about to pounce. Excuse me?

"No, Hayate." The two words with which I was most familiar. Shit. I looked up at my mother with pleading eyes - please let me eat the fucking donut. Please? She clipped my leash onto my collar, removed me from the arms of Four-Eyes, and then tied the other end of the leash around the arm of her desk chair. I could only move within a five-foot radius. I glared at the donut man, who looked relieved at my restraint as he shoved the rest of the donut into his mouth. Once I was free, and hopefully fed, and he dropped food, I was going to pee on it.

I rested on the floor, propping my chin on my paws, while my mother worked for what seemed like hours. My stomach hurt. I let out a whine, and was immediately shushed. I rolled over, my paws in the air, and gave her my cutest face. She didn't even look at me. At that moment, I realized that my mother no longer loved me and that I was going to starve to death any minute now.

Finally, she untied my leash and got up from her chair.

"Let's go, Hayate." More words I knew. I walked with her as we left the office, then left the building, and proceeded down the street. Then another street. Then another. We eventually reached wherever it was she was taking me, and she opened the door of a building and led me into a room filled with other dogs. And cats, but I only cared about the dogs. I immediately tried to sniff the nearest one, but my mother dragged me with her to speak to a woman sitting behind a desk. All these dogs, and I wasn't allowed to sniff one butt. I felt like Tantalus and the fruit tree in Tartarus. Yeah, I fucking know mythology.

Except I didn't realize until later that I truly had been led into Hell.

My mother dragged me to a chair, still keeping me from the other dogs. That's when I started to realize what was going on here. As we sat, I watched as a dog and his parent came through a door on the far end of the room, different from the one we had used on the street. I immediately noticed that something was off - the dog, a glorious Great Dane, was walking funny. As if he was uncomfortable. As if something had happened.

Oh, hell no!

I had heard whimpers from other dogs about this, on my occasional trips to the park with my mother. I had thought they were merely horror stories - meant to frighten young puppies into behaving. Dogs that were taken into terrifying white rooms, who woke up with parts of themselves missing… down there. Yet here I was, in the facility that claimed its victims. I immediately sat, hiding my dog bits from the world. No. No, no, no, no… no.

"Riza Hawkeye?" My mom's name. Or part of it. For some reason the woman asking had forgotten the "Lieutenant" part. My mother got up and tugged on my leash.

"Come on, Hayate."

Nuh-uh.

I stayed firmly seated, the collar bunching up the fur around my face. Unfortunately, the floor was tile, and I was moving anyway - sliding across the floor on my ass while my mother began to drag me through the door from which the limping dog had emerged. Eventually, she gave up and stooped to pick me up. I sprawled out on the floor in response, intentionally making this as difficult for her as possible.

Have I mentioned that my mother is strong? She's fucking ripped - like a bloody Amazon who's claimed the lives of many men. So it didn't take long for her to wrench me off the ground and through the door and into a white room where a woman dressed in white waited. I only know of three colors - white, gray, and black. This room was too much white.

My mother talked to the woman for a while; I heard my name come up a few times. I growled. Then, my mother handed me over to the sinister-looking woman before leaving the room. "Be good, Hayate!" Sure, mom, just abandon me with FUCKING SATAN.

The moment the door closed, I lost it. The woman had prepared a sharp-looking sticky thing, and I was pretty sure she was going to poke it into me. Ahahaha, fuck that shit. A high-pitch scream left my throat, startling the woman enough to loosen her hold on me. I made my move, leaping from her arms, landing perfectly on the handle of the door and forcing it open, and then I was free.

Until she came chasing after me. I scampered into the next room with an open door, encountering a sad-looking family and their cat. Another human in white, this time a man, stared at me. I screamed again, and the cat in question darted off the table and out of the room, tripping the woman chasing me as it did so. You go, cat.

I leapt over the fallen woman, who looked bewildered as she struggled to stand again. Back in the hallway, I could see it - the entrance to Hell. Well, in my case, the exit. Luck was on my side, and the door opened right as I reached it. I didn't dare look back, but I could still hear the woman pursuing me. She wasn't going to catch me in time, though - I was going to make it with my dog bits intact. Not today, Satan!

Once again in the room filled with animals, I let out another Shiba scream. I had to let them know to what sort of establishment it was their parents had brought them. I warned them with all of my might, screaming my lungs out. Realizing the danger they were in, the other creatures began to voice their own distresses. Soon, the room was filled with animals howling, screaming, and writhing in attempts for freedom.

That's when I caught sight of my mother, her hand still on the exit door, ready to push it open. Her eyes were wide, her mouth hanging open. It was probably the most dumbfounded expression to ever grace her beautiful face. She marched toward me, and I stopped my screaming. With both hands, she lifted me into the air and glared at me. I licked my nose and tucked my ears down. She was going to fucking kill me.

The woman in white, completely out of breath, caught up with me then. She said a few words to my mother, but my mother shook her head as she said something back. I caught a "no" in there somewhere. My mother then tucked me under her arm and marched out of the building, carrying me the entire way back to her office.

Once we got back, she snatched the sandwich off of the round man's desk (despite his protests) and tossed it onto the floor for me. It was the most delicious thing I'd ever eaten, probably because I was about to die of starvation. She collapsed in her chair while I ate, watching me with a contemplative frown. Then, she bent down and patted my head. In that moment, I knew my plight was over - my dog bits were safe for good.

But from that day onward, I knew that the word "vet" was synonymous with "Hell."