So, this is... a thing. It happened because of a prompt generator my friend linked me to that had the prompt 'one of the characters is a cuddle therapist', and it was pretty hard to stop myself writing it. I couldn't decide who would be funnier for the prompt though so I wrote a oneshot for each.
(old computer is currently broken and I can't get at my files. I won't be able to update Missing Letter until then, because I already wrote a fair bit for it. I will also probably cry if I end up losing all the other things I've written as well. Sorry about that .A. ...)

Note: There are references to L File no.15, the bonus manga chapter.

"You've... you've what?"

It was extremely rare for L to lose his composure. To be fazed at anything. But when it came down to it, that anything referred mainly to the depths people could sink to in their cruelty. It referred to the capability he had to make tough decisions and to hold in disappointment when things came to an unfavourable verdict. When something that could have been prevented was not.

Even needing to take vitamins had eventually become a manageable routine.

It did not, however, refer to…

"I have scheduled you an appointment with a... physical therapist of sorts," Watari resupplied, unflinching in his stance or manner. "L, this has gone on far enough and I believe it would be beneficial for you."

L held back a very childish pout as he narrowed his eyes, waiting for the continuation.

"You are constantly overworking yourself; you are stressed, you are in terrible physical shape, you hardly allow yourself a decent rest, and... you are extremely adverse to contact with any human being other than myself. L, your appointment with the cuddle therapist is in about an hour."

L just about jumped out of his seat, and there was a clink against the tile as he dropped his teaspoon. "...Watari," he began calmly, "this is not going to happen."

However, the old man stood his ground. "I think you'll find it will, seeing as if not then you shall be living off tofu for a month." Watari took a moment to smile knowingly at his charge's horrified reaction before continuing. "I believe you need something like this, seeing as the last time anybody attempted even to hug you, you just about knocked them all out and claimed they had attempted to attack you. You cannot hold these sorts of boundaries for your entire life. And henceforth I am putting my foot down."

L hugged his knees closer into himself and shifted back in his seat as if attempting to build a protective fort around his body. "I reaffirm my previous statement. This shall not happen, by one means or another."

"I know all of your hiding places, L, and have left snacks inside each and every one in preparation for such an outcome."

Defeated, yet not quite ready to accept it, L growled in frustration.

"The session does not have to be longer than forty-five minutes at the minimum. Just, please, for my sake, do not attack this person. At least try to be agreeable. You will, of course, be meeting at his apartment about a half hour away from here."

L blinked. He'd been expecting the therapist to be a woman. Oh well, perhaps a man would be less creeped out by him.

…Then again, with his strong penchant for eye contact…

"...And I'll have a deluxe strawberry sundae waiting here for you by the time you're back."

Sinking down dejectedly, the world's three greatest detectives accepted his fate at last.

The drive was silent and tense. L sat with his knees drawn up tight to his chest, looking out of the window, feeling his pulse pick up with each further street they passed.

Nobody had even touched him yet, and he was already acting so defensive. How was he going to stay... attached to another person for over half an hour? What a horrible waste of time. And he would have to be on a bed, too... or a couch. It would hardly be comfortable.

But it was the price he had to pay to evade the wrath of his custodian, so it seemed. And L knew how bad said man could get when he really wanted to go all out. But still, even that thought really didn't make the idea of being forced to play stuffed animal to a sweaty stranger for an hour seem any more appealing.

L took a deep breath... He was trained in torture resistant techniques. Perhaps he would just have to consider it an extension of his training. But now that he thought about it, maybe if it had been a cute girl he'd be cuddling up with...

The car stopped outside an apartment complex, Watari handing him a card with the details of the appointment on it, including the flat number. Feeling that experienced, hawklike gaze on him as he got out, just daring him to try and make a run for it, L swallowed the lump in his throat and sheepishly turned towards the door. He pressed the buzzer and there was a voice at the other end - amicable, smooth like honey.

"Ah, Ryuuzaki-san, right? ... I'll be down to meet you soon."

L was left standing there, unsure what to make of his first impressions - that voice sounded much different than what he'd been expecting, and -

The door swung open, and standing across from him was a surprisingly young man in casual clothes, beaming at him with a smile like sunshine that filled L with an inexplicable warmth. His eyes were carefully crinkled at the edges as he did so, however, and L could tell that it was all fake; this was completely rehearsed – and that warmth quickly chilled into ice. His hair was very tidy, showing he cared a great deal about making it appear that way, which L might have remarked on as being very stupid considering his chosen profession if he hadn't been busy oglin - profiling him.

"...Ryuuzaki-san...?"

Oh. L brought his eyes back up again to the face those legs belonged to and blinked uncertainly. The man was staring back at him, looking a little... unsettled, but clearly trying to hide it out of that aforementioned practiced politeness. Surely he was used to stranger customers in a service like this? Ah well, it didn't matter. In fact, if he could scare the guy off before he had to touch him, that would be brilliant. Then again, after he'd actually seen him…

The other bowed slightly. "My name is Light - it's fine just to call me that. Would you like to come inside now, Ryuuzaki-san?"

L glanced behind him, and Watari rolled down his window in the distance, training on him with a hefty sniper rifle. Hiding a very real spasm of fear, L turned back to Light and quickly nodded in agreement. "...Yes."

"You're just about the first person to not question that, you know. It's my real name."

"Oh. Am I?" Well, considering the strange names he was used to... It wasn't really fair to judge or assume. People with stupid names had to stick out for each other, it seemed.

"You'll find I don't judge." L took another small glance behind him before quickly heading to the door. "...Now let's go inside."

The apartment was just as clean and tidy as Light himself. Although it was obvious some effort had been put in to make it seem 'homey', such as the multitude of pillows and admittedly-comforting vanilla scent in the air, the place looked like it had fallen out of a catalogue. It was a very impersonal place; though perhaps only L ever cared to notice, seeing as his observational skills were more than a cut above the average cuddle therapy client. In any case, it was no good being unnerved by this man already, considering he had to spend the next forty-five minutes with him at the bare minimum. Even so, L knew it was impossible to turn his overactive mind off, even for a case like this.

"Ryuuzaki-san?" Light tapped gently at his shoulder and he stopped surveying the room. The other was giving him a very patient smile. "Are you ready to start yet?"

Well… no, not really. L blinked, unsure what to do. If he made a big fuss and declined, he'd just get kicked out and Watari would find someone else until he finally went through with it. And what were the odds of him getting matched up with someone who looked like this a second time?

Despite that worrying gut feeling.

Being unable to turn my instincts off aside, L thought to himself, I do think that attempting to psychologically profile your average cuddle therapist would prove fascinating, if not disturbing.

"...Yes. I am." L stared blankly into space, forcing the words out of his mouth. "I am ready."

He made sure to make close eye contact for this next one.

"To …cuddle."

Light's eye twitched slightly, but he did not look away. "...Where would you feel most comfortable to lie down?"

L scanned the room. There were two couches and a large beanbag in the corner, where several blankets were piled up. He decided to do what he did best - being a piece of shit. "...Can Light-kun not guess?"

"I… excuse me?"

He looked to the ceiling, tilting his head. "As a professional cuddle therapist, surely it would be his job to know just at a glance where someone would prefer to relax." L's eyes locked back on the other's in a challenging gaze. "Or am I in the midst of an amateur?"

Light's polite facade dropped and his eyes narrowed for a second. "Well, if you want my honest opinion, Ryuuzaki-san…" he replied, slowly grinning, "I'd guess you want the beanbag because you looked at it for a much longer time. You look like the kind of person who would find that comfortable."

"Correct, although I would prefer to sit alone on one of the couches there if it was really up to me."

Light blinked oddly at L as he started walking over to the beanbag and awkwardly crouched down in his usual way.

"...Ryuuzaki-san, that isn't a very easy position to relax in."

L promptly allowed himself to fall with a thump onto his side, still bundled up in the same position. Maintaining it like this really was a skill that he had honed.

Light sighed and made his way over as well, sitting down on the other side – leaving as far a distance between them as possible, L noticed with triumph. "Are you uncomfortable?" Light asked him, not really convinced. "Is this difficult for you at all?"

Well, at least the guy wasn't completely stupid. He decided to spill. "...I am not here because I want to be, Light-kun."

Light blinked again.

L continued. "I'll be honest with you here; I was put up to it. I want to lie here being spooned by you for an hour just about as much as I want to quit my job and become a vegetable farmer in southern China."

There was silence for a little while. "...Well, guess what?" Light suddenly sneered. "I don't particularly want to be doing this either," he bit out, finally allowing his irritation to show; such harshness in that normally-sweetened voice, and somehow L found he had little complaint. "I studied criminal justice and law in university, for crying out loud - only for everything to fall through after a week on the job and my sister manages to land me another one out of pity. She didn't tell me what it was before I agreed! It was her idea of a joke!"

L's heart fluttered slightly hearing that and he hardly wanted to acknowledge why.

"Then it seems that we are both unwilling to cuddle each other, Light-kun. This arrangement more than pleases me." Well… that may have been a little bit of a lie, now.

Only a little.

Light sighed, folding his arms. "Listen, whether you want to or not, I need the money, and we have to do something for at least forty-five minutes."

"Perhaps I could just sit on your chair instead, then. I'm good at sitting still for a long time. I won't even talk. It will be as if I am not here, and I can promise no judgmental comments as you sit down and Instagram your coffee."

L did feel a little bad for turning the other down, though. He'd figured that it wouldn't have actually been so bad if he did have to get cuddled. Not that he wanted to! Certainly not. It was just that if he had to pick somebody to do it in the event that it was inevitable, he would not have minded this particular person.

Okay, he wouldn't have wanted anyone but this particular person.

It was only just now, in fact, that he was properly seeing what he had missed before, concealed behind that polite mask: a quiet, intriguing intelligence in those eyes that now had him kicking himself for second-guessing.

"Well, I have nothing else to do."

L thought things over for a little. "...Alright. You can do it."

"...Hmm? What?" Light's genuine surprise soon gave way to amusement in the form of a slight half-smirk.

"You can…" L stumbled a little as he tried to form the word in his mouth. "Cuddle me. But only slightly."

"Slightly? What do you mean by that?"

"On a scale from air-hug to post-coital embrace, somewhere near the former end."

Light sighed. "Alright, but I'll need you to lie down properly."

L froze. Yes, he'd have to do that… Slowly, he uncurled himself, feeling much more exposed and vulnerable. He turned his face away and buried it in a pillow, deciding to just let the other get it over with.

He felt, gradually, Light's body beside him shuffle closer; the shifting of the beanbag, and couldn't suppress a flinch as he got closer and closer to him. Soon he could feel Light's body heat in close proximity before they even touched at all and L nearly curled back in on himself, bringing his legs about halfway up before arms wrapped around him and held him in a loose embrace.

"...There. Is that 'slightly' enough for you?" The words sounded somewhere near his ear, and he only just suppressed a shiver.

...Enough. No, it wasn't. Now that it had happened, L realised he wanted to be even closer, he wanted more of that warmth. But he didn't dare make a move himself out of his own fear, face still hidden.

But somehow, it was as if his mind had been read, because the other pressed closer, wrapping his arms round him tightly. Light's face was buried into his neck, and L was overwhelmed by his clean, fresh scent. He could tell the exact shampoo he used by the smell. The other's hair tickling his neck made his skin prickle at first, defensive instincts flaring up, screaming at him to lash out and push him away. L squirmed uncomfortably, trying to curl up again, heart pounding, the back of his neck heating up, palms becoming clammy. He was aware of his breathing having quickened, and could do nothing but stare blankly. Slowly he felt Light pull away and gently hold his shoulders, and then he was turned to face him.

"Breathe," Light instructed. "In and out. Stay here." Fingers started rubbing gentle circles on the small of his back and slowly, slowly L calmed down from his panic attack, eyes refocusing and looking into Light's. That gentle motion was proving mesmerizing and he then closed his eyes, curling into a ball and settling down comfortably, smiling. Then another hand found its way into his hair, making those same motions, and L purred low in his throat, leaning his head into the touch.

Slowly, the hand on his back trailed upwards, now making massaging motions along his spine, coaxing it to relax. L quickly melted under the touch, letting out a small, contented sigh. This really wasn't so bad at all. If only he could somehow work at the same time… he was wasting time like this… But L realised that right now, he just didn't care.

Just before he drowned in sheer relaxation and drifted off to sleep, he felt soft lips brush his forehead.

"He had to carry you to the car after I called. I was worried you were staying too long; that you'd escaped out the window or something. Surprise surprise, hmm?"

The 'session' had, in fact, gone on for exactly two hours and thirty-four minutes.

L was silently eating his strawberry sundae with his best poker face in place, trying very hard to not look at the person who'd got him into this unfortunate mess in the first place.

"Wasn't that bad at all, then. I'll wager you'd like to reschedule."

L spluttered. "What makes you think that?" The ice cream was cold, but somehow it was proving unable to cool down his constantly-burning face.

Watari raised an eyebrow, sending him a look out of the corner of his eye as he focused on his phone at the same time. "L, you actually fell asleep in the presence of another person who was not me and without the intention to try and play dead. Yagami-kun told me that you enjoyed it very much."

L stabbed the cherry off the top of his sundae and crushed it between his fingers, the hint of a smile on his face as it made a sickening squish. "That would be because he is conspiring against me now that he thinks he has found my weakness. He cannot be trusted."

"L, I doubt you raised much of a fuss. He seems a very nice young man. Dare I admit that were I fifty years younger, I'd want a little more than a hug from him."

L's smile froze. "…Watari, please invent something that will erase what I just heard from my brain forever."

There was a clack as the old man closed his flip phone with a beaming face. "Second appointment next Saturday."

L silently grumbled.

Forget that university degree. Soon, Light Yagami would be laughing all the way to the bank.