AN: How the cold open to S03e03 (Boyle's Hunch) was resolved. Basically how they caught the spider and the aftermath of that day. Pretty fluffy ending.

After the situation was under control Jake didn't need any prompting to take a very long and intensive shower. While he wasn't known to be the cleanest person, tarantulas were actually pretty freaky, so he was more than willing to go overboard on the soap and suds.

And even though the precinct's locker room was on the same floor Amy gave him an excessive amount of hand sanitizer because god knows what else he was going to touch on the way there, and she didn't want him to get his spider hands over any surface.

Terry was the one who sprayed the whole bullpen with disinfectant to be fair, so it wasn't all her. And that was only after he disappeared for an hour after twitching and mumbling about decontamination.

And all of that was only after they had caught the damn thing.

They had it trapped in a corner. Or at least as trapped as it could be, considering that every time it moved an inch every single person jumped back 2 feet.

Terry was standing at the opposite side of the bullpen in the corner, reasoning that it was the most secure vantage point since his back was covered. It was clear that he would have liked nothing more than to run out of there, but he was too scared to leave the room after he was almost trapped in the elevator with it. A normal person would have been, but Terry was strong enough to hold the closing doors open in the first place- and that wasn't to mention the adrenaline he was running on.

Even if everyone assured him they had the spider in sight, he wasn't going to risk going anywhere that didn't have someone who could immediately slap it off of him until it was without a doubt contained.

So the spider was on the floor in the corner with at least 3 pairs of eyes on it every single second. Everyone assumed that Peralta should be the one to capture it since he was obviously okay around spiders to even risk bringing it in, while almost everyone else wouldn't have even held onto the cage.

"What? No! It's freaky! I don't like spiders anymore than the next guy!"

"If you were afraid of spiders why did you even bring it back?"

"I mean I'm not a wuss like you guys, and I can stand it if it's in a cage. And I just wanted to wave it in everyone's face and freak them out. I didn't expect it to get out. It was locked up. I didn't think it was going to go all Shawshank on me!"

Rosa was the only one who wasn't phased. She really had her baton out and the only thing holding her back was the blockade of Jake, Amy, and Charles standing a few feet out of the perimeter because they weren't joking about 3 pairs of eyes. And when Diaz made it clear she was ready to strike the 3 of them parted to make way and Diaz poised to go in for the kill.

"Wait!" Amy screamed and even she jumped when she heard how loud it was. Diaz still had her arm raised in the optimum position, but they were all looking to Santiago to see what the holdup was.

"Look how big it is. What if she squishes it and the guts go flying everywhere?"

Everyone cringed at the thought and they all knew that they couldn't risk it.

"So what are we supposed to do? I called animal control and had to leave a message cause they didn't answer. What if they're too busy dealing with other tarantula outbreaks? We need to turn on the news," Boyle started to move towards his desk before he remembered that he was needed as a watch guard. He was about to call out for someone else to check for any tarantula swarms flooding the city and as ridiculous as everyone knew the idea was it wasn't a good thought to entertain.

"Hey Boyle, buddy, let's cut it out on the whole Debbie Downer thing, alright? Maybe go for Chill Charles?" Jake suggested helpfully, and Charles in turn started repeating the phrase to himself as a mantra.

The spider had been too still for too long, and they all knew it. It was waiting.

"Rosa, take over," Amy said before tapping her in without warning and running off before there could be any objections. Jake had the urge to yell out deserter after her, but he swore he saw one of its legs twitch and forgot all about her betrayal.

And when it clearly moved an inch outward the 3 of them all backed up. When it gained another inch they all retreated together.

"Rosa, I don't care about the guts, just go for it," Jake said since their plan wasn't working at all.

"If you want to kill it go ahead, and I'll leave you to it. Even I don't want spider guts on me. You were the one who brought it here. Let's go back to blaming Peralta."

Jake would have had something to say to that if the spider didn't decide to narrow in on him and go straight towards his feet. Just at that moment someone slapped something in his hand.

He looked down at the broom in his hand and Amy standing as far back as she could stay and still manage to give him the stupid thing.

"What am I supposed to do with this?!"

"I don't know! You're a detective! Think of something! This is all your fault anyway! It's your responsibility to catch Jake Jr!"

At the mention of little Jake big Jake was reminded that he had taken his eyes off of it for entirely too long and slammed the bristles down in front of his feet even though he didn't even know if it was already on him or climbing on the walls. Thankfully his tarantula partner wasn't as quick as he thought and when the sudden wall of bristles appeared it backed off and went back into the corner.

And now armed with a weapon he was left alone on tarantula duty, but at least everyone else was looking around for a better way to trap it. So far they came up with a tupperware container, some duct tape, and some ant spray (they reasoned the first 2 could make a trap, and maybe the 3rd could kill it instantly).

Jake was left corralling it into the corner trying to keep it back without actually touching it with the broom because he didn't want to risk it latching on. When ant spray was added to the inventory it seemed like a good idea to begin with.

"But spiders are ant killers! What if it likes it? What if it makes it angry?"

Unfortunately Jake had a bit of a point since no one knew how a tarantula would respond to it.

"I've got a half full pot of coffee," Boyle called out.

"What are you gonna do with it? Over caffeinate it?!"

To be fair Boyle was the one who found the tupperware (or at least thought to get it out of the fridge to make use of) and the tape so he was actually the most helpful of the bunch, but the tarantula was growing bolder and bolder each time Jake swept it back. It felt unsettling similar to everything he knew about bullfighting (which, to be honest, wasn't very much).

But it was clear what their roles were here. Jake was the guy who had to train for years or else he would get killed the moment he stepped in the ring. The broom was the red flag that made the bull very, very angry.

And the bull was the one and only Jake Jr.

"I don't think we have much time," he warned while pushing his mini me back once again and taking a glance around the rest of the team to make sure they weren't just messing with him and pretending to look for stuff while sitting back and laughing at him. To their credit they actually were looking for stuff (while hopefully all formulating a plan in their heads too).

And when Jake looked back to his prisoner to prepare for the next barrage there wasn't anything there.

"It's gone," he tried to be loud enough to alert everyone while hopefully playing it down enough that they wouldn't be mad at him.

Of course they were all mad at him and were too furious to even start yelling at him, but when he turned to them it was clear they were all upset.

Charles looked more scared than anything.

Rosa was some level of angry (it was so hard to tell what level she was at because she was always at least a little bit angry) but she was probably more bothered that it meant more trouble for her now that they had to find it again because of him.

And then there was Amy.

She was pissed.

Jake was already well aware of her dislike for spiders. And maybe he had planned on waving Jake Jr in her face, but not nearly as close as he was planning on doing to everyone else. And after he had creeped everyone else out enough he was going to put Jake Jr on a table in his locked inescapable prison and push Amy within a few feet of the little guy cause he was pretty sure that was a good way to expose her to her fear.

He didn't think a big spider in a plastic enclosure was anything to worry about. You would think a big spider would be better than a medium spider or a small spider because it would be easier to find. You would think.

Though it was clear from the look on her face that she wouldn't care one bit about his reasoning. She was going to kill him after this.

If the tarantula didn't kill him first, that is.

They weren't poisonous, were they? He didn't think they were, but he was also pretty sure tarantulas couldn't fly this morning either (he still wasn't sure if they actually could or not). He thought black widows and brown recluses were the only ones to worry about in the country.

And then Jake realized that he didn't know what the latter looked like. Everyone knew that black widows were the freaking black ones with the killer awesome red marks.

And brown recluses were... brown?

What if brown recluses were a species of tarantulas? Or tarantulas were a species of brown recluses? Or whatever was the stupid order that spiders went into.

He couldn't even remember what color Jake Jr was when he wasn't looking at him. Black? Or Brown?

Whether by the furry little legs of Jake Jr or by Amy's hands, he was going to be dead by the end of the day.

"This isn't my fault! How long did you think a broom was going to hold out? Look at it! It's not a weapon it's a freaking-"

With a shriek Jake dropped the handle of the broom and let it clatter on the floor when he saw the spider an inch away from his fingers.

"Good news and bad news. I found him again. And I lost him again," he announced when the spider was nowhere to be seen on the floor where the broom had landed.

Jake started searching. Well, if you could really call it searching. He was more of turning and whipping his head around and trying to peer under desks and around them. That was pretty close to searching.

"Why aren't you guys helping?"

"Jake..." Boyle trailed off in a voice that was way too familiar.

Because it was the same voice that Jake had used earlier that morning to Terry.

"No. You're kidding," Jake said as he straightened immediately and saw everyone's faces. He knew it was true the minute he heard Boyle's voice. He wasn't even arguing despite his words, more of just accepting defeat with a sigh. "If this spider really was anything like his namesake he would know that you don't go for the same gag twice in one day. That's why my sex tape jokes never get old, cause they're always different and I don't use them twice in one day, much less an hour. Just... just tell me. Head or shoulders?"

"Head," all 3 answered at the same time.

"Might as well shoot me now, huh?" Jake gave a poor attempt at a chuckle to no response. "You guys are supposed to say 'No, Jake, we'll figure this out and get this spider off your back.' And I'm taking this incredibly well considering the circumstances. Can I get a sticker for this? I at least deserve a gold star or one of those scratch and sniff ones. None of that check mark BS."

All 3 of his 'friends' were just frozen and staring at him. He wanted to shake his head at them and tell them how disappointed he was. Jake was pretty sure he should have been flipping out at the moment, but he was surprisingly calm.

This was what his life had come to.

He could respect that.

He'd made some bad choices that led up to this moment. Namely bringing a tarantula into the precinct and leaving the cage open. He recognized that this all could have been avoided if not for him. He got it, he really did.

But his detachment from the freaky thing was slipping away with each second and Amy, Charles, and Rosa were still standing around like a couple of idiots.

"I know I'm being so chill right now and you guys are just awestruck, but I'd really appreciate it if at least one of you could stop daydreaming and get it off me. The sooner the better."

The 3 broke of into a huddle and started whispering all too menacingly. When they started playing rock paper scissors he knew whatever they had planned was horrible and there was a large chance of injury for him. For best 2 out of 3 Amy was the loser so she was gifted the privilege of executing him.

"I'm sorry, Ames. I'm really, really sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen. I wasn't going to wave him in your face, I swear," Jake pleaded for his life as Amy advanced towards him.

She was creeping towards him with a hateful look that he really hoped was aimed at the spider and not at him. She had grabbed the tupperware container to use somehow, but he didn't know if she planned to use it as ammo or a shield.

"Might I remind you that we are in a police precinct right now with video cameras and many witnesses, so killing me doesn't seem to be the best move. And you'll have to wait at least a month until you murder me or else suspicion will immediately fall on you, but we can wait until then, right? Cause I'd really like you to not murder me right now."

"Jake, shut up," she hissed through gritted teeth and stopped when she was an arm's length away. "Now step back slowly."

Jake realized her plan now. He was only so far away from the wall behind him, and Amy hoped it would stay on his head as long as possible so she could trap it against the wall. But Jake didn't share the same optimism that it would stay still when he started taking it on a ride.

"It's gonna know when I move. And then it might crawl on my face," he made his worries clear without the furious shaking of his head that was his first instinct.

"Jake, do you trust me?" Amy asked in her soothing voice, but it was totally negated by the fact that she was focused on no doubt the spider in his hair with an uncertain look on her face.

"I'd feel much better if you were looking me in the eyes when you said that and not 5 inches above them."

"Move back an inch," she directed and this time she was making eye contact.

Jake really didn't want to do it. He didn't want to move a centimeter. But Amy was doing that reassuring thing where she lifted her eyebrows and nodded with a slight smile like she was trying to convince a toddler how truly awesome nap time was.

And so Jake moved back (though it was probably only half an inch).

He followed her orders every time, each 'again' and 'little bit more'.

"Last time," she encouraged in the moment of truth, and Jake did move back once more.

In one fell swoop the container was slammed against the wall above his head. He didn't dare do more than flinch in case he would somehow mess all of their hard work up.

"Duct tape, Rosa! Duct tape!" Amy shrieked and Rosa came and slapped duct tape on the container that was still above his head and that he was still afraid to move away from.

"You can move now, Jake," she informed him as she and Diaz surveyed their work.

He would have gone across the room or out the doors if he could accomplish it, but all he managed was to sigh and sink down against the wall. And even then he could only scoot over just enough so the spider trap wasn't directly above his head. At first he was alarmed by the sudden shadow that crossed him until he looked up and realized that it was his savior.

"My knight in tailored pantsuits," he said with as much gratitude as he could possibly express.

"You owe me."

Jake just nodded in complete agreement because he didn't even think he could get a whole sentence out.

"I like the fruit ones. None of that holiday or sweets nonsense," Amy told him like he was taking her order or something.

"What?"

"Stickers. I like the fruit scented ones."

Someone from animal control came to collect the tarantula while Jake was in the showers, which was more than fine by him. It was unnerving watching the thing climb about its trap on the wall and try to find a way out. So he was glad he missed out on most of the show.

"What happened to my clothes? I left them by my locker and they were gone when I was done," Jake said when he made it back to the bullpen dressed in sweatpants and a t shirt.

"I thought it was safest to burn them," Amy explained simply, like it was the only logical conclusion for her to reach.

Jake thought about it for a moment, then nodded.

"Good call."

While there wasn't too strict of a dress code since Holt wasn't back yet (because he was coming back, they just hadn't figured out a way yet) it wasn't like what was basically pajamas were something regular too.

After settling down into his role as 'captain' it was unusual for the Vulture to even spend a whole hour a day in the precinct. It sucked that he was still getting credit for doing absolutely nothing, but it was an unspoken and immediate agreement between all of the nine nine to not make any sort of complaint. There was a chance he'd get fired or disciplined or removed so they wouldn't have to deal with him at all anymore, but there was also the chance that he would be reprimanded and forced to spend every moment in the precinct, and no one was willing to risk that. At least not until they had figured out everything with Holt, because they were going to get him back.

So for now, they kept their mouths shut.

"I'm actually kinda proud of you for coming up with Joe Spiden," Amy confessed after they got off work that day. "But I think I only recognized half of the ones you came up with."

She had just sat down on her couch when he collapsed beside her. While Amy definitely deserved loads of smelly stickers for being the hero and saving the day, Jake was the one who was in such peril that a hero was needed. So he figured he deserved some rest after finishing out his shift working a full 6 hours after the fiasco.

"Thank you, and I appreciate your honesty."

"How about Thomas Spiderson?" Amy gave her best attempt at arachnid name puns.

"Doesn't really have that ring to it. Quentin Tarantulino works better with the flow. Spiderson is trying too hard," Jake explained in highly unscientific terms. Somehow when you were punning famous names with spider words there was a certain way to go to make it sound right. Not that he would even know how to explain it better than that.

"Henry David Thorax? Tarantula Tesla?"

"Since I don't know who those are supposed to be I'll go ahead and give you the benefit of the doubt," he allowed.

"Even though it's almost the same sound Spiderzen Kane flows, doesn't it?" She asked, and she was right. Edison and Citizen only made the slight s/z difference that was barely noticeable, but it did work well. Jake hummed his agreement with the assessment.

He was pretty disappointed how the whole thing turned out. Like yeah, he would have rather the whole disaster not happen at all, but he was looking forward to helping Amy out with her spider fear. He didn't exactly find the smaller ones pleasant, but he was on good enough terms with them that he was the spider killer in the relationship. Amy would rather leave her apartment than kill a spider herself, and he just didn't get it. So Jake had been trying to slowly introduce her to them so that she wouldn't be so scared of the half a dime sized ones. When the opportunity presented itself he'd gather one up on a sheet of paper or whatever was handy and bring it to her. And she always got freaked out because it was never a closed off surface and they could climb over anything, and she said they were too small to keep eyes on them. So her usual complaint wouldn't have applied because the tarantula was big and in an inescapable cage. If he hadn't left it open, that is.

He had told her his valiant motivations earlier that day so she wouldn't slip poison in his coffee, and so she would at least stop glaring at him from across her desk. Apparently that was the reason she was able to forgive him so quickly- otherwise he would have had to deal with her dirty looks all day and whatever else she would do to express her anger. He would definitely not be on her couch right now next to her.

She said it meant more that he brought it to the precinct to freak everyone else out and to 'help' her with her spider terror than if he just brought it to the precinct to freak everyone else out and keep it at the opposite end of the room considering her spider terror. She said it was a nice thought.

Then Amy made him swear to never try and do anything nice without consulting her first. When Jake objected with the idea of surprise parties she reminded him that she didn't like surprise parties but he was probably going to do it or something like it eventually and if so he was to consult at least two other people before taking any sort of action.

"He was gonna be yours, you know," Jake nudged her with his head. He was propped against her shoulder and honestly felt too tired to sit up straight. Even if he was wide awake he probably wouldn't have moved anyway- leaned up against Amy when all of his limbs felt like he was moving through mud was surprisingly comfortable.

"Who?"

"Jake Jr."

"Oh gross," she shuddered at the very suggestion. "I hate spiders. Why would he be mine?"

"I can't have a junior by myself now, can I?"

"Well it's good he's up for adoption now, because otherwise I would have some very stern words for Jake Sr. You would've had to invest in a decontamination chamber before I let you step foot back in here, and let me tell you- they are not cheap," Amy told him (and he let her). He wasn't surprised at all that she already knew the prices of personal decontamination chambers. She probably checked the cost of them regularly in wait for them to become more affordable so she could justify getting one herself.

It wasn't like he was that attached to his tarantula partner. He wasn't attached to his tarantula partner at all. He was much more fond of his human partner next to him.

They were joking about it now, but they both knew he wouldn't have really kept the spider in the end. He might have been stubborn and held out before giving it up, but it would've been gone by the end of the week.

"It means a lot that you wouldn't immediately break up with me."

"I already knew you were an idiot when I got into this," Amy murmured as she brushed her hand through his hair.

Despite the near disaster and complete exhaustion that they had to power through following it, today was not a bad day. A day that ended like this could never be bad.

Everything that happened before they reached her couch made it impossible for the day to be great or even good. And if it hadn't ended like this, then it probably would have been an awful or a horrible day.

But it ended with Jake close to her and Amy running her hand through his hair.

So today wasn't a bad day at all.

AN:

Laptop's still messed up. I went and bought myself a new one, but I'm still working on data recovery from my old one cause I'm convinced they're recoverable and I've been trying to work it out myself (new battery, even running the windows CD and it still won't boot) but my techy brother promised to help by next week since I think external hard drive-y stuff is my last hope, but I can look up stuff but taking it apart is way above my pay grade (but he says he'll have to look up specifics for it too). And there are like actual shops that do stuff like that, but I don't want to pay 50 bucks for a 'diagnosis' and goodness knows how much for a recovery when I'm reasonably sure I can get it done, and don't want to go to a shop when I haven't even tried the cheap way.

This whole fic was actually all saved and completed on google docs for over a month (since I figured out that google's grammar checker is better than open office) at figuring out when I use the word here 5 times correctly and write it as hear the 6th time on accident and not catching it.

I hadn't posted it yet cause I wasn't too satisfied with it, but I figured I might as well now, cause I'm satisfied enough all things considering (like all my other stuff I'm still trying to recover) so I'm putting it up now.

And my brother helped me with all of the name puns. I came up with Thomas Spiderson and Tarantula Tesla all by myself before asking him and he did all the rest. I love puns and lame jokes, but he is so much better at me thinking them up.

He made a lot more that I couldn't even include, and I can recognize talent when I see it, so I've got that up right now on my tumblr (disruptedvice) because he is hilarious and we are both so lame, and have such lame humor.
So I guess just copy and paste the next line after the regular url if you're reading this in the future and don't want to search for how proud I am of my brother:
post/134943465995/spider-puns