A/N: I think I accidently used a John Green quote but here is a fic and it didn't quite go the way I planned it too. It was just gonna kinda be nonchalant pwp but it turned rather angsty(i find this happens with a lot of my stories and its never really intentional.) Yea so this is my first *published* Eric/Ryan fic. Half of what I write I don't publish tbh. enjoy i hope :/

*sorry not sorry for the science references*

Lets just say this was not how Eric expected his night off to go. Eric liked sex, he had no problem with admitting that. And the women he fucked knew it was only sex, and nothing more. He wasn't trying to get in deep with someone, he wasn't trying to feel more than that of a pleasurable orgasm- that was really all he was after.

But Eric was in too deep, and not just in his lover's body, but in his emotions for the other man too. And between electrified pleasure and the moaning of the younger man below him, he was scared shitless. This was something that he never thought could happen, mind you never thought could happen, not didn't want to happen. And now he was scared that after both he and his lover came, his lover would come to his senses and bolt his ass out as quick as possible, and the last thing Eric wanted was for him to feel used; to feel like a one night stand.

Sure, you could blame what had happened on alcohol, but that doesn't change the desire Eric had before hand(even though he'd only had a few drinks), and the fact that Ryan made the first move.

It had been Eric's day off, and yes he was lonely, so he made his way to some club. He sat at the bar, ordered his drink, and flashed his eyes around the room to find a willing partner. He wasn't the only lonely man in Miami- many of the women already had found someone to play with. His eyes searched around the bar as thoroughly as they would a crime scene.

He felt a body sit on the stool beside him, and he turned to see that, well, he really wasn't the only lonely man in Miami. Eric grinned to himself at the sight of Ryan next to him. It looked like he'd just gotten off work, wearing some black T-shirt under a tacky suit jacket and a pair of black jeans that wrapped tightly around him.

"Whatever's the hardest," Ryan said abruptly to the bartender. Eric had been too busy eyeing him through his peripheral vision that he hadn't heard the bartender ask Ryan for his order. And it seemed Ryan was far too drained from whatever case they had today to even notice that Eric was sitting next to him.

Eric felt kind of bad, he hadn't seen Ryan this beat in a long while. He figured what the hell, maybe he wasn't going to get laid tonight, but this could be a chance for him to at least try at befriending him, especially after how terribly he'd treated Ryan. And by the looks of the straight up vodka the bartender placed in front of the depressed man, Ryan was going to need a ride home anyways.

"You okay Wolfe?" Eric asked offering a soft smile.

"Oh shit Eric," he stumbled over his words, "I didn't realize that was you."
"Yea it was uh, my night off. Tough case today?"
Ryan twirled his drink around in front of him, taking a sip and letting it burn down his throat. The younger man felt like he was going to fucking combust internally. He was just tired... of everything. He could blame it on his job, he could blame it on his OCD or on Eric or on everything around him that made him want to disappear, but he didn't really know what was truly gnawing deep inside him.

"Yea," Ryan whispered in response to Eric's question. Eric could hear the pain in his voice and couldn't help but feel that same pain rise at his heart.

He offered a sympathetic smiled and replied, "come on, theres a booth over there let's talk."
Ryan was cautious at first, but his tiredness was tied with apathy so he took a sip of his vodka, savored the burning path it took, and followed Eric blindly.

Eric set himself across from Ryan and gazed at the younger man. His face was pale making the blue bags under his eyes even more visible.

"Ryan," Eric offered softly.

"I'm fine Eric," Ryan whispered, his voice cracking.

"No, you're not," Eric whispered.

"Delko don't worry I'm fine."
"Look, you came here to drink, and if you don't wanna talk and you just wanna drink, then by all means drink, but at least let me take you home."

"I took a cab," he responded softly, his north eastern accent becoming apparent.

"And now you don't have to take one home," Eric offered with a smile. They were quiet for a few minutes, Ryan going through a good amount of vodka until he found his voice.

"I'm tired," Ryan found himself confessing.

"Do you want to go bed? I can take you home-"

Ryan cut Eric off, "no not that kinda tired," he slurred slightly. "I just wanna feel lik'm home."

Eric's heart broke at Ryans pained words, and Eric couldn't help but reach his hand to Ryan's, "come on," he whispered as Ryan held on to his hand. Eric put some money on the table and helped Ryan stand up and lead him to his car.

"I don't know where your house is from here," Eric stated once buckling Ryan in the front seat.

"I 'ont know neither," he whispered once Eric started the car. He looked to him before pulling out, and saw a few tears slip from Ryan's eyes. Eric reached his right hand out to hold on to his while he drove with his left.

Once they arrived and Eric helped Ryan stumble into his apartment, he sat him down on the couch and gave him a cup of water and some advil.

"Take this, you'll feel better in the morning," he said sitting down next to Ryan.

"I thought you nots likeh me," he slurred. Eric took in a pained sigh and wrapped a comforting arm around his shoulder. "I'm sorry Ry," he whispered.

"'ts okay, I 'ont likes me neither." At that Ryan let tears fall silently. Eric pulled Ryan to his chest and soothingly rubbed his hand over his back, and let Ryan cry out what he needed.

He wasn't loud when he cried, he just shut his eyes, and rested his head in the crevice of Eric's shoulder, his tears wetting his shirt. Eric soothed him until he stopped crying.

"Come on," Eric whispered picking Ryan off the couch and leading him to his bed, "you can sleep here for the night okay?"

He set Ryan down, tucked him in, and headed back to the living room before he heard an almost silent "stay."

Eric walked back to Ryan, who whispered softly, "Please Eric, jus- please stay wit me"

The pain in the younger man's voice, the need in the way he held on to Eric's hand, he couldn't just leave. Eric tucked himself in on the other side of Ryan, wrapping his arms around him. Ryan snuggled his head on Eric chest and closed his eyes.

Eric kept track of their breathing, the difference between both of their breaths, the difference in the rhythm of their heartbeat.

"Eric," Ryan murmured against his chest.

"Yea Ry?" he replied softly.

Ryan looked up to him and found himself adjusting so he could reach Eric's lips to his own, and he kissed them softly- well, more so gazed his against Erik's, you couldn't really call it a kiss. But the pain Eric felt for the younger man, the self hatred Ryan had in his eyes, Eric couldn't resist cupping his cheek and kissing him back, hoping to let him know that he was loved. He felt goosebumps rise along his skin and whatever tension the two had in the past underwent an exothermic reaction and whatever heated lust that was forming between the two underwent an endothermic reaction.

Eric broke apart first, "Ryan, you're drunk."
"Will you love me when I'm sober?" was all he could whisper.

Again, Eric's heart dropped and Ryan asked again, "will you..?"

Eric gave him a smile and kissed him softly, "yes." He wasn't lying either, somewhere inside, he knew that this was manifesting, and Eric tried to put it off, but it wasn't working.

Eric pulled Ryan on top of him, devouring his mouth and running his hands up and down his back, tracing over his shoulder blades where wings would have sprouted if he were an angel. Ryan started moving things fast, ripping off Eric's shirt, and Eric tried to slow him down, he really did, but Ryan was hungry and lonely.

Eric could handle one night stands, he'd do them all the damn time, and it's not that he wanted this to be a one night stand, but if it was, Eric would be able to handle it. The issue was that Eric didn't think Ryan could. Eric was scared to continue on with Ryan's pleads.

"Eric if ya don't want me jus say it" he slurred.

Eric brushed the hair out of Ryan's eyes, "no, I want you. But I don't want you to regret it."

Ryan kissed the tip of Eric's nose, "I cant regret somthin I've wanted for overa year."
Eric smiled, "I'll still be here in the morning."
"Yea I mean this is yer place,"
"You know what I mean," Eric replied running his hands through Ryans hair. Ryan latched onto Eric's neck and started working on undoing his jeans.

"Ryan," he started trying to get him to slow down so he could take off the younger mans shirt. The moment he did, Eric's heart fell yet again for the fourth time that night. He'd never seen him without long sleeves before, and the site of rows of purple scars lined up and down his arms made him wrap his arms protectively around him, and kiss his scars softly, running his fingertips down them. Eric met Ryan's eyes, and they were still filled with both pain and lust, and Eric kept questioning if he should do this, but part of him knew this was something Ryan needed, mostly because Eric thought it would be best for Ryan to wake up in the morning with his arms around him.

Eric tenderly kissed Ryan's plush lips, allowing the younger man to work at his pants, and he moaned when he brushed against his erection. Ryan smiled and cupped his hands inside Eric's pants, pushing them down to his ankles which Eric kicked off the bed.

"Ry-" Eric began to moan at what the other man did to him, but Ryan just smirked and wrapped his hand softly around Eric's shaft.

Eric bit the bottom of Ryan's lip and flipped him over so he was straddling him. He undid Ryan's pants and stripped them down to where his own laid pooled on the floor, and started softly toying with Ryan, kissing him delicately, as if his lips were filled with ammonium perchlorate and would explode under the slightest pressure.

Ryan let out a soft beg, "please."
Eric knew what Ryan wanted him to do, and he had to ask once more before he went on, "are you sure Ryan."
Ryan nodded his head, trailing his fingers along Eric's collarbone, "I wanted you fer so long buuut you like Nataliaaa"
Eric shook his head, "No, Ryan. I fucked Natalia, I didn't like her like that. But I like you, and I want you, have for a while, I just don't want you to regret this in the morning."
"As long as you stay."
Eric smiled and nipped at his lower lip, "I'm not going anywhere, I promise."

Ryan's hands trailed down Eric's chest down to his navel and back up again. Eric reached to the nightstand and grabbed lube and a condom. "You ever done this before?" he asked cautiously.

Ryan nodded and eagerly watched Eric put on a condom and coated himself with multiple layers of lubricant.

Eric steadied himself on his palms, hovering over Ryan with the tip barely touching the entrance inside of him. "Are you ready?" he asked.

Ryan nodded and Eric very slowly, and very carefully, moved himself inside Ryan, kissing him tenderly. Eric's heart was racing. Ryan felt so damn good, better than anyone he'd ever been with, better than anything he could have imagined, and the gasp Ryan let slip made his heart flutter and he saw colors that hadn't been invented and tasted flavors on Ryan's lips that had never existed before.

He kept one hand on the headboard, and the other on Ryan's shoulder, kissing him deeply while pulsing slowly, trying to be as careful and soft as he could. Ryan moaned for more and Eric really couldn't resist, so he went faster and harder, and he realized with each thrust, the deeper, the faster, the harder he went, was how he fell more in love with the man below him. Slowly, and then all at once.

Ryan came first and moaned Eric's name, which is what sent Eric over. He rested his head on Ryan's chest, unable to move while trying to steady his breathing. Ryan wrapped his arms around his neck. Eric found the energy to roll off of him, wrap him in his arms, and pull the blanket up over him.

So no, this was not exactly how Eric expected his night off to go, but feeling the warmth of Ryan in his arms, his face no longer glazed with tears, and his breathing even as he fell asleep, was the best thing that could have happened.

Ryan woke up before Eric, his head pounding from a massive hang over, his body sore, and confused memories of the night before. He felt the warmth of a body pressed against him, his lover breathing a soft snore against his hair. Memories of the night before flooded to his head

Eric broke apart first, "Ryan, you're drunk."
"Will you love me when I'm sober?" was all he could whisper.

Again, Erics heart dropped and Ryan asked again, "will you..?"

Eric gave him a smile and kissed him softly, "yes."

Eric was still there with him, slightly drooling, but his arms tight around Ryan, his fingers laying softly over the purple laced scars on his pale skin. Ryan toyed with Eric's fingers while he slept, and kissed each one softly until he woke up.

"Hey," he said kissing the crown of Ryan's head and pulling him close to him.

"Hey," Ryan responded, his voice hoarse.

They both laid silently, Eric playing with Ryans hair and kissing the nape of his neck.

"You're still here," Ryan said trying to distract himself with Eric's hands.

"I told you I wasn't going anywhere. Do you remember much?"
Ryan shook his head turning to face Eric, who kissed the tip of his nose waiting for a response. "Bits and pieces."

"I love you Ryan," he whispered, "drunk, sober, and whatever other state you find yourself in. I'm not going anywhere"

Ryan's heart fluttered and he grinned, "solid, liquid and gas?"

Eric smirked at the CSI's need for scientific humor, "Yea and plasma, because you matter."

Ryan blushed and hit Eric smiling, "that was corny as hell."

Eric held him closely, "anything that will make you smile," he whispered kissing his temple and looking to his arms. "We need to talk about this," he said running his fingers up and down the scars as they jumped out of his skin.

It took Ryan a moment but he nodded, "I've never told anyone about it before."
Eric kissed Ryan softly, "take your time, we can talk about it when you're ready."
~