(Posted before Christmas to catch people still in the Christmas spirit. Original lyrics written by Randy Brooks; song first performed by Elmo and Patsy Trigg Shropshire in 1979; popularized in Canada in the 1980s by the band 'the Irish Rovers,' which is probably the version I'm familiar with. I can barely believe I actually rewrote all six verses. It started out with just the chorus …)

Roland got run over by a reindeer,

Stalking Marianne on Christmas Eve.

His pretty face, it got all mashed and mangled,

So now in Santa, Marianne believes.

He wouldn't take no for an answer.

He'd been following her for hours.

When she slammed the door in his face,

He lurked on her porch all night with flowers.

When we found him, Christmas morning,

All marked up with pointy hooves,

He was face-down in a snowbank,

So his company was much improved.

Roland got run over by a reindeer,

Stalking Marianne on Christmas Eve.

His pretty face, it got all mashed and mangled,

So now in Santa, Marianne believes.

Now we're all so proud of Boggy.

He's hardly gloated at all.

He just laughed and took some pictures,

Then on the internet, posted them all.

At last it's a merry Christmas;

A time of joy and calm and peace …

At least until Dawn hangs the mistletoe,

And pushes Marianne and Bog beneath.

Roland got run over by a reindeer,

Stalking Marianne on Christmas Eve.

His pretty face, it got all mashed and mangled,

So now in Santa, Marianne believes.

Roland's unashamed of his behaviour,

But he'd hide in a hole, if he could dig.

An antler practically scalped him!

And now Roland has to wear a wig.

Here's the moral of our story.

It's a point I hope is clear:

If you stalk and harass your ex-partner,

You should be trampled by an angry deer.

Roland got run over by a reindeer,

Stalking Marianne on Christmas Eve.

His pretty face, it got all mashed and mangled,

So now in Santa, Marianne believes.