The Winter Chill

Story Summary: Change was inevitable; all beings went through it, but none expected the changes this winter would bring. None more so than Yuuki.

Chapter 1
The Approaching Darkness

Disclaimer: Vampire Knight and characters belong to Matsuri Hino.

Chapter Summary: As the chill of winter tightens it grip over Cross Academy, an even more potent chill finds its way into Yuuki's heart.

The winter holidays were upon Cross Academy. The Night Class students and most of the Day Class students had already departed for their homes. The only ones remaining now were the Headmaster, his "children", and one caramel headed girl standing at the gates of the academy. This girl's name was Sayori Wakaba; and she was Yuuki's best friend. Yuuki, of course, was the Headmaster's adopted daughter. Yori didn't really want to leave her best friend, but she knew the girl would be fine. Zero Kiryu, Yuuki's other best friend, lived with her at the Headmaster's house. Yuuki wouldn't be lonely. So, with a slightly light heart, Yori waved one last time to her best friend and climbed into her father's car.

Yuuki continued to wave at her friend until the car was out of sight. Once the car was round the corner, she let her hand fall back to her side and her smile slipped from her lips. Her friendship with Yori—while still as strong as the day they had met—was strained on her end. There were so many things—more now than there were before—that she was keeping from her.

At first, it had simply been the existence of vampires and her sketchy past, but now…now it was Zero's vampirism along with the Night Class and the reasons behind her lightheadedness when they were together. It was the reasons behind the heaviness in her steps, the sudden darkness in her eyes. She sighed and looked upward as small flake hit her on the nose. It melted the minute it touched her skin. She raised a hand and wiped it off. 'How long until I can no longer call her my best friend?' Yuuki wondered. 'We used to talk to one another about everything. Zero's mood swings, Kaname's distance and my feelings for him…her feelings about her father and her stress over school…but now…now we don't even talk about that anymore. I know she senses my distance, senses the dark thoughts in my mind…but she knows better than to ask. She thinks I'll come to her about it in time, but how can I?' Her heart sunk violently in her chest; she swallowed back tears. 'It sucks. I really need someone to talk too…' She admitted mentally. Her whole world felt like it had been tilted off its axis in the last few months. 'And my only choices are Zero—an emotionally constipated yet kind hearted vampire or Kaname—another emotional constipated vampire that doesn't need to know about all of the conflicted emotions bubbling around in my heart. Really…neither of them do since it has everything to do with them…' She sighed and started back toward the house. She caught sight of Zero in the second story window. He looked away whenever she looked up at him. Her heart tugged as she took him in. 'Zero…'

She'd seen him every day for the past four years; wherever he was, she was. That was just the way it was. Lately though she had realized something else. When he wasn't around, she felt like something vital was missing; but her world wasn't darker at his absence. Zero was a cherished person to her, but his presence in her life paled in comparison with Kaname. Her eyes stung. She hated this time of year for many, many reasons; lately though she hated herself even more.

"Will you become a vampire…Yuuki? Will you become a monster that devours blood…and live the long flow of time…with me?" She recalled the day before with a flush of shame.

"Yes…" Yes, she had said. Yet she had still cried. She tried to pass off her tears as feeling too much, but deep inside she knew the truth. And now…hardly twelve hours later, she acknowledged that truth.

"Do you think…my heart will grow stronger…if I become a vampire?" She had asked Zero quietly, selfishly and inconsiderately. She had seen his expression of pain and shock and instantly she felt remorseful; yet, she had continued to twist that knife. "Kaname asked me if I would become a vampire. 'Yes' was all I could say to him." She hadn't been able to look Zero in the eye as she spoke those words. She knew what his expression was be and she wanted so strongly to stop speaking, but the words kept pouring. In that hallway, she laid her shame on him. "Oh, but," she tried to dismiss it as silly, "Kaname wasn't serious." She had said. Yuuki scoffed. What bull. She knew he had been serious. Kaname's eyes had glowed; he had been on the edge of his control. She knew that she herself had been serious. When she had looked up, her heart stopped. Zero's eyes were distant, angry, and filled with hatred.

"You're saying you want to become a vampire?" Yuuki rubbed her arms as she walked toward her house. "I will never allow that to happen…even if it makes Kuran my enemy…and even if you hate me for it." She sighed deeply and stopped. She didn't want to go in the house anymore. Zero had been avoiding her since she had said those things. She wanted to explain, but to speak the truth aloud would somehow make it more real.

Yuuki had said yes not just because it had felt right—and it had felt right, god, how right it had felt—but also because she was so tired of trying to force herself to remember her past; she was tired of the bone-chilling fear that filled her when she watched a horror movie that centered around parents sacrificing themselves for their children; she was tired of crying herself to sleep at night as the memories once again alluded her, leaving horrifying nightmares in their place. She knew that vampirism would remove any block in her mind. Her heart tinged at the next thought that rose unbidden in her mind, 'unless Kaname was the one who placed the block in the first place.' Her eyes stung as she wrapped her arms around her waist in an effort not to cry.

'What is happening to me? Kaname…what has happened to us?' She mourned. 'Years ago, months ago even, I would have never doubted you. I would have never thought you capable of manipulating me like I was one of your chess pieces, but I'm just as much a pawn on your board as any other piece, aren't I? You removed my memories of that night when I followed Zero…and if he hadn't known I was there, I would have never known you had done it.' She bit deep into her lip as she started shaking with repressed emotions. 'You knew how much I cherish the memories I've made. After witnessing my fear when we were younger, why would you do such a thing—knowing it would hurt me?' What made her hurt worse? All she wanted was to throw herself in his arms and cry like she had when they were children—like she had when she was six and the thunderstorm outside had frightened her. She wanted to seek comfort in the person that had harmed her, but she couldn't. She wouldn't. It wouldn't be fair to him or to her to take comfort in him when she would just push him away later. A small sardonic smile crossed her lips. 'We are becoming the same, Kaname…Used to, it was only you that would push me away. I wonder…how does it feel now that I am returning the favor?' Her eyes widened as she realized the darkness in her thoughts. Her body shook despite her attempts to stop it. She didn't know if she liked the person she was becoming. Her smiles were fake most of the time; she was becoming meaner and having violent thoughts she wouldn't have entertained previously. (Just the other night, she had thought about taking out Aido's kneecaps if he kept running from her in such a silly game. And she had wanted Zero's gun to do it.)

She wanted comfort. She wanted someone to hold her as she fell apart right now. She wanted to throw herself into Zero's arms and tell him everything that bothered her no matter how confusing. She wanted to break down in front him, but she was so afraid of hurting him. He had suffered enough; he shouldn't shoulder her problems too. (Even though she was secretly certain it would make him happy to hear that she was doubting Kaname, that she was purposely distancing herself from him no matter how much it hurt her to do.)

She could go to her father, but he would demand to know why she was hurting, why she was sobbing so heavily. How could she tell him? He would be so disappointed in her; he would go on a warpath and the fragile balance their academy had achieved would be destroyed. She couldn't do that to him. His ideals meant so much to him.

So, Yuuki stood in the snow, simply shivering underneath the on slant of her emotions and the cold—both inner and outer—until the Headmaster called her inside.

"Yuuki?" She heard him call; his voice was low and soft as if speaking to a spooked animal. That same, cursed sardonic smile pulled at her lips before she wiped it away and looked up at him. "Dinner's ready." He continued; his amber eyes were filled with worry. She forced yet another smile and prayed that he wouldn't see the emotions in her eyes.

"What are we having?" She asked pleasantly to distract him. He smiled; it was just as fake a smile as the one Yuuki was sporting.

"Oden," he said softly. Yuuki smiled-a tiny true smile-as she walked into the house alongside him. 'Zero's favorite,' she acknowledged.

Kaien Cross gave no indication that he noticed the darkness growing in Yuuki's heart. He acted as though he didn't see her eyes darkening with negative emotion. She wouldn't talk to him. She wouldn't reach out to him because he wasn't supposed to know all of her secrets. He wasn't supposed to know that Zero had been drinking from her since that first bite; he wasn't supposed to know that her relationship with Kaname was becoming distant and strained. He wasn't supposed to know that she was no longer the same girl she had been months ago. He looked away from her as they entered the kitchen. All of these things he wasn't supposed to know weighed heavily on him. Almost as heavily as the things he wasn't able to say.

Every winter the sadness tinted Yuuki's eyes, but this winter there was more. The sadness that used to just scratch the surface of her eyes now seemed bone-deep. Her shoulders slumped underneath her exhaustion; and the sparkle that used to still exist was dampened to a low gleam. Kaien feared that this winter would prove to be the worst for her. Winter, instead of fall, would bring about a change; and Kaien wasn't too prideful to admit that he was terrified of it.

The past months and the growing chill in her own heart was forcing Yuuki to mature and harden; Kaien had never mourned more for the loss of innocence. That dark, cynical twist to her lips haunted him even as he laid down for bed.

X

The throbbing pain in her throat had awoken her from sleep and sent her stumbling into the bathroom. The moment cool water touched her throat, the pain scorched brighter. Dear God, the pain…it rippled down her throat like barbed, razor wire and burned in equal measure. With every dry swallow, the burning increased. She was sure she would die of it. Nothing she could think to do—massaging it, swallowing, wetting a warm wash rag and draping it over her throat—helped. A pitiful whimper escaped her lips as she fell away from the sink and slid down the wall. She buried her head in her hands and clenched her eyes as tightly as she could. Even the tears sliding down her cheeks burned. 'This is hell,' she thought, 'what did I do to-'

"Will you become a vampire, Yuuki?" She heard his voice, beautiful and smooth as it had always been and she heard her answer. Then, she felt it: the painful slice of fangs through the soft skin of her neck. The puncture wounds flared as if responding to her thought. She yelped and dropped her hands to her neck. The bite—though gentle—had hurt worse…a thousand times worse than Zero's. It had felt as though molten lava had been forced through her blood. And, apparently, it hadn't stopped. She curled tightly in a ball and begged:

"Make it stop. Make it stop. Dear God…please make it stop…" Her words froze in her throat as she picked up the sound of feet coming toward the bathroom door.

"Yuuki?" Yori called through the gap, but it was overshadowed by the sound of her heartbeat. B-bump…B-bump…B-bump. Her blood flowed steadily through her veins. She wasn't afraid. The burn in Yuuki's throat increased. She felt her teeth—her fangs—slice through her bottom lip and realized with a freezing rush of fear what would alieve the thirst. The twisted and dark part of her heart whispered that Yori would soon be terrified.

The doorknob turned; the door cracked open; a pale hand slipped in and pushed the door open. Yuuki swallowed and breathed through her mouth as she tried to get back in control. She could do this. She could do this. Yori kneeled in front of her. Just inches away. Her short hair barred her neck incitingly. Yuuki scrunched her eyes shut and bit deep into her cheek. She could do this. Friends don't eat friends. She wouldn't hurt Yori. A slender hand touched hers and-through the sound of her blood rushing through her ears—she heard Yori ask what was wrong. Yuuki could resist. Yori was not food. She would never be food. She could—her thought froze as the smell of cherries and something…intoxicating reached her nose. Her eyes snapped open. Yori had pushed a lock of hair behind her ear, unintentionally sending a whiff of her scent toward Yuuki. Unintentionally taunting the beast. Unbidden, Yuuki leaned forward and brushed her nose against her friend's neck; the motion hid her glowing red eyes from Yori. Her caramel colored hair tickled her nose as she took in the smell that accompanied cherries. Chocolate.

B-bump, b-bump, b-bump. A small growl escaped her lips as her heart sped up. This close she could feel the heat from her blood. She leaned closer, as if in a trance, and brushed her lips against Yori's carotid artery. "Y…Yuuki?" Yori stuttered; an attractive blush stole across her cheeks and down her neck. That blush shredded the last of Yuuki's frayed control. She spread her lips over Yori's neck, letting her feel the brush of her fangs, and before the girl could jerk away—she sank her teeth in her neck.

X

"NO!" Zero jerked awake at the scream that made its way through his bedroom wall. It was filled with pain and fear; it was Yuuki's voice. And like always, it spurred him into movement. He leapt from bed and jerked his door open before the echo of her scream died. He was at her door not a minute later. He threw himself against it as he turned the handle, not taking the chance of common courtesy. The door gave easily. He froze in the doorway. Yuuki was curled up as tight as she could be in the middle of her bed. Her head snapped up at his entrance. Wide, frightened, and impossibly sad rust colored eyes locked on him. The fear in her eyes dimmed just a little, but the sadness took over. Her lower lip quivered and before he could ask anything, Yuuki lunged off of the bed and darted into his arms. Her hands clenched tightly at the waistband of his sleep pants; her arms felt like steel around his ribs; and the force of the collision nearly knocked him off his feet.

"Yu…Yuuki?" He muttered; her behavior worried him. The desperation in which she clung to him and the way she shook so violently chilled him to the bone. She wasn't just scared and she had passed terrified. Her head burrowed hard against his sternum. She was pressed so closely that he felt her lips move against him before she cried:

"I'm so sorry!" She sobbed brokenly and clutched him tighter. "I don't wanna—don't let me—Yori!" She moaned; her hand tightened in his waistband, drawing the fabric tighter around his hips. Zero couldn't understand her frightened rambles, but he could certainly guess. He had had nightmares for months of draining Yuuki dry or going on a killing spree. If her nightmare had been anything like his…He crossed his arms over her back and held her. He could feel her lips moving against his chest, but he couldn't make out the words. He pressed a kiss to the top of her head and sighed.

Yeah, he'd been angry at her for saying she wanted to become a vampire, but more than that—he'd been hurt. Moment of weakness or not, Yuuki should never want this. Didn't she see him struggle? Didn't she see the pain the thirst imposed on him? Had Kuran swayed her into believing that it would be different? He tightened his arms around her. He had meant what he said: he would never let her become a vampire. He would kill Kuran first.

Yuuki may think she wants a life with Kuran; she may think it will be filled with love and adoration, but the life she would get with him would be filled with blood and thirst. She would have to fight everyday…whether it was the right to be by Kuran's side or the thirst. It was not a life he wanted for her.

But what life would Yuuki have with him? He would descend, eventually, into a mindless monster that wanted nothing but blood. She would have to kill him and that…that would destroy her. Asking her to kill him…he knew it had been selfish. He knew she would suffer for doing it; that she would die inside just a little. He closed his eyes and grit his teeth.

Then there was the option that killed him worse than Kuran…watching her with a human man. Someone who could give her all of the things in life she deserved, all of the things that he and Kuran couldn't. Someone who could be with her without strings dangling over them; someone who could kiss her on the neck without wanting to take a bite.

The loosening of his pants pulled his attention back to the girl in his arms. She had let go of the waistband of his sleep pants. He tensed and his heart jumped into his throat as she slid her hands around his hips. Heat from her hands scorched him, leaving an emotional imprint. She pushed gently against his stomach, but still stood in the circle of his arms as she looked up at him. A becoming blush stained her cheeks as she looked over his shoulder. He wondered, idly in the back of his mind, if she knew just how that touch, her closeness affected him. He doubted she did; Yuuki was never purposely cruel.

"I'm sorry," she apologized again. Zero could hear it in her voice; she was going to try and brush off her reaction as nothing. He clenched his jaw as she pushed out of his arms and walked back toward her bed. He didn't want to let her, but he knew…how he knew there was nothing he could do to stop her. She sank down on the edge. Her rust colored eyes fixed on the floor. Zero tsked and moved to sit beside her.

"You wanna talk about it?" He asked awkwardly. He wasn't accustom the walls she had thrown up lately. Up until a few months ago, Yuuki had honored their system set up four years ago. Neither would suffer the aftermath of a nightmare alone. Even he, who hated opening up, would talk to her about his nightmares so that she could lay his demons to rest if just for a night; he had thought he would be the one to dishonor the system first, never Yuuki.

He knew she had been having nightmares more frequently; the bags underneath her eyes and the increased paleness of her skin told him of her sleepless nights. His stomach rolled uncomfortably when he thought of just when these nightmares had started—the night he first sunk his teeth into her.

"I…" Yuuki started to talk to him, but her throat closed up. "I…I don't know where to start." Zero was silent, waiting for her to gather her thoughts. She sighed. "I think…Kaname bit me after I said yes—in my dream. The pain…was so intense that I thought I would die." Zero grimaced as he unwillingly reminisced Hio's bite. How he had felt…how it had burned. "I wanted too," Yuuki's quiet whisper brought him back to her, "but never much so as when I woke up. The thirst…it burned like lava and cut my throat like razors…nothing would help. I drank water…but it only made it burn worse…like my body rejected it." Zero tensed completely; shock pulsed through his body. What Yuuki was describing…was truly the thirst. He looked over at her. His lavender eyes narrowed. He studied her completely as she spoke. She raised a hand to cover the side of her throat. Her hand rested over the scars of his marks. "I didn't realize what my body truly wanted until…until Yori came in." Tears leaked from her eyes again. "She was so concerned…and I was doing well. I was ignoring the sound of her heartbeat as long as it was steady…Really, I was resisting, but then…she pushed her hair behind her ear and...Her scent…then…I guess she got scared…her heart started to race…" Yuuki started shaking heavily. Her arms crossed over her stomach. The area around her mouth was green. "I bit her, Zero, and…I think if I hadn't woken up…I would have drained her. I wouldn't have stopped." She looked over at him. "That's your greatest fear, isn't it? That one day you'll bite me and you won't be able to stop." Zero didn't answer, but his silence was enough. She looked away from him and up toward the ceiling. They sat in silence, both lost in their thoughts.

"I can't say it won't happen," Yuuki's soft statement broke the silence. Zero flinched at the honest statement. "But I trust you." She promised as she looked over at him again. Her rust colored eyes weren't tortured anymore—at least, no more than they were nowadays; but they were filled with trust and a soft emotion that Zero couldn't identify. It wasn't quite love, but it was close. "You have such control…you would make yourself stop."

Zero wanted to do many things then. He wanted to scoff at her faith in him; and yet he wanted to thank her for her trust in him, but his throat had closed up at her words. He couldn't speak so he settled for placing his hand over hers and squeezing.

"Will you stay with me tonight?" Yuuki asked after many minutes of silence. His eyes widened in shock; his thoughts stuttered. She flushed and rubbed the back of her neck before adding, "Like we used to?" Zero blinked, suddenly understanding and flushing himself. He didn't answer vocally; instead, he stood up and approached her closet.

X

Yuuki slipped her feet underneath her covers and pulled them up to her nose, hiding completely underneath the off white covers. She heard Zero settle into his pallet and smiled. Relief swelled within her heart so strongly that she felt tears stinging her eyes again. She bit into her bottom lip. She was tired of crying; she had cried too much tonight as it was, but for the first time in months—she felt lighter. She knew the weight would descend again in a few hours.

"Thank you, Zero," she whispered. He didn't say anything, but he never had too. She scooted down lower in her covers and relaxed as the heat seeped into her body. In minutes, she was asleep. Nightmares of blood and thirst had been left behind.

Relief filled Zero's heart as well, but for a different reason. For the past few months, he had been scared that the Yuuki he had known was gone. Her confiding in him tonight had given him hope. Maybe his Yuuki wasn't so gone; maybe she was just lost in the darkness. As Zero closed his eyes, he vowed to not let that darkness claim her.