A wise man once said, "Words are the source of all misunderstandings." Oh wait, that was me. That wise man said something irrelevant about smoke and fools liking high places or something. But anyway, it seems I needed to revise that sentiment, because words weren't the source of the misunderstanding I was quagmired in right now.

What might that situation be? Well, it was one that a normal person would probably be jealous of. But I was no normalfag. No, I, Hikigaya Hachiman, eternal realist, pessimist, and self-proclaimed loner, was trapped under the mistletoe with the only two non-familial girls who acknowledged my existence enough to properly remember my name. For the last time, Miura and Co., it's not Hikitani!

But my proper name's not what's important right now. Right now...I need to get out of here. Out from under this poisonous, invasive, parasitic plant hanging from the ceiling. Tactical retreat! I quickly jumped two, three steps back, away from the mistletoe and the two girls sitting in shock at the table. Right...those two.

Yukinoshita's brain had apparently begun to short-circuit, judging by her flushed but erratically convulsing facial expressions, and her stiff posture made her look like she'd been electrocuted. Yuigahama hurriedly glanced away as soon as I looked over, but her ears just kept getting redder and redder. Dammit, why couldn't words be the only source of misunderstandings after all? Even I, the monster of logic that I was, could have started to misunderstand too, you know?

Well, first priority was to try to clear up those irritating annoyances. I cleared my throat. No reason to be nervous here, none at all. This was simply a slightly awkward situation. "You know, it is just a tradition. It's not a rule or a law or anything. Plus, that's more of a western thing, I think."

Abruptly, Yukinoshita's stiff shoulders stopped shaking and relaxed a bit as she looked up and out the window, still not facing me.

"...Indeed, I believe Hikigaya-kun may be correct for once in his short and miserable life, which I'm sure is a fairly strange experience for him, because it seems as though this rather outrageous custom is traditional of western cultures at Christmastime, which means that even though Japanese citizens have adopted Christmas as a popular and relatively widely celebrated occasion, they do not share the deeper aspects of the holiday, including certain customs, which means that it is utterly unnecessary to follow through here, and in reality it was ultimately only an optional suggestion, which we easily have the capability to deny, in fact-" But she was interrupted by a short giggle from the third person in the room.

"Ahahaha! Yukinon, that's enough already. Don't bash this poor little plant any more than you already have," Yuigahama laughed slightly. Yukinoshita looked away, her ears turning reddish in the light of the sunset.

"...I wasn't bashing it, I was explaining why its presence is irrelevant."

"Aww! Poor little mistletoe, she didn't mean it like that!" She stood on her chair and started pulling down the sprigs taped to the roof and then...giving them all a hug? Sigh. Never change, Yuigahama. Never change. Abruptly, she turned to me and gave me a look, her expression unreadable.

"What? I didn't insult the plants." Actually, that plant is a parasite that lives off of another plant without contributing anything back. Wait, that sounds suspiciously like my dream of a house-husband. I guess you're all right, little plant! And I never said I planned to become a productive member of society anyway. Society's the problem, not me. All those hypocritical, contradicting, halfhearted people all putting up facades to further their own ends.

"Hikki...you know…"

"Actually, these guys have the right idea. Living off a bigger plant, not having to produce their own energy, they're winning at life."

"Hikki, you idiot."

"Hey, don't look down on my strategy for navigating the evils of society."

"And just how will becoming a parasite help you navigate the evils of society, Hikigerma-kun?" interrupted Yukinoshita.

"Oi, oi, you're making it sound so bad. I'm just doing what I can in a society that crushes the low even lower. And besides, parasites and germs are completely different." You know, Yukinoshita, you don't have to take offense at literally everything I say. Seriously, name one time where she's actually agreed with me.

…

That...doesn't count.

"Hikki?" Huh? I looked up quickly. "Aren't you going to insult Yukinoshita back?" Er...what? What kind of question is that?

"He obviously acknowledges that my scientifically accurate rebuttal to his germs and parasites comment was superior to anything his science-feeble mind could come up with."

"Oh...I missed that part, actually." Distracted. What can I say? "Just goes to show you how little worth your sciencey rebuttals have."

"Just goes to show you how short your attention span is. Like a dog." She glanced at Yuigahama. "Well...not really a dog, but..."

"Hey! What was that look, Yukinon? Are you saying that I have a dog's attention span? So mean!"

Yukinoshita averted her eyes. "I never said that…"

"Yeah, but you probably thought it! You're so mean, Yukinon!" Wow, the range of Yuigahama's insults is really impressive. Apparently all she can do is call people mean.

"...you're right, that was a bit too harsh. I'm sorry, Yuigahama." Well, I suppose coming from cat-loving Yukinoshita, calling someone a dog is quite a serious insult. Wait, isn't there something more impressive here!? Like the fact that THAT Yukinoshita apologized? Apparently mystified by our stunned looks, Yukinoshita quirked an eyebrow. "What? Even I apologize when I've gone too far or am in the wrong." Hmm, she's surprisingly considerate...well, to Yuigahama at least. "It's just that I almost never find myself in the wrong, so I never have to apologize." I take back what I said, she's still really arrogant. Give me back my admiration already!

"Anyway, we should probably take down the rest of this joke of a Christmas decoration," I pointed out, standing up on a chair so I could reach. As I pulled the plants down, I wondered what the chances are that Sensei actually knew what this stuff was for. Probably pretty low, considering who she was...although she did have a mischievous side to her. But still, this seemed a bit too clever for Sensei to have come up with. More like, it wasn't really her style. Too calculated. Sensei liked solving things with brute force, and I can attest to that. So it probably wouldn't hurt to poke a little fun back at her…from a safe distance, of course. I pitched my idea to the other two.

"Hey, instead of discarding the mistletoe, we should give it back to Sensei." They looked at me suspiciously.

"Hikigaya-kun…"

"Hikki, what are you plotting…?"

I felt the corners of my mouth creeping up into a rotten smile. See, nobody would dare kiss this face. "Oh, nothing. I just though Hiratsuka-sensei might like an early Christmas gift." They looked at me warily. Then something seemed to strike Yuigahama.

"Hey, that's not fair!" What? How is it not fair to poke fun at a person who regularly punches you in the gut? I looked at Yuigahama in confusion. "Why does Hiratsuka-sensei get-" She stopped suddenly. "N-never mind. Just… Stupid Hikki." Hey! That's twice now that you've called me an idiot! I won't stand for this! Especially coming from Yuigahama. Even I have my pride, you know.

As Yukinoshita and Yuigahama packed the mistletoe back into the box we got it from, I pulled out a blank sheet of paper and a pen from my bag. Smirking rottenly as I bent over the table, I wrote a small note to Sensei, signed "the service club." I then quickly stuck it in the box, and we closed the lid. Finally, I wrote on the outside, "Merry Christmas from the service club!" and clicked my pen shut, satisfied.

"So, master plotter Hikigaya-kun, I suppose I'll deliver the parcel to Sensei when I return the key to the clubroom," Yukinoshita proposed as she and Yuigahama began noisily packing up to leave. I thought for a second, then shook my head.

"We don't want to be in the same building when she opens this. I'll deliver it to her house later." All sounds of packing bags ceased abruptly. "What? It's not going to explode or anything." Well, I think Sensei might though.

"Hikigaya-kun…"

"...you have her home address?"

...why does that matter? "Frustrated by the fact that I have more knowledge than you?" I countered. Well, I guess Yuigahama must be pretty used to it, actually. Yukinoshita looked at me with a strangely irritated expression. I guess I was right, huh. As usual.

"No, but it's rather creepy for a student to have the home address of their teacher, Hikkistalker-kun." Oh, come on, Yukinoshita, get on your game! That's the most pathetic insult I've heard since "idiot, nincompoop, Hachiman!" Actually, that time was pretty adorable since Komachi said it.

"Don't question my vengeance methods. I've had the rough outline of several plans in the works for a while now," I cackled evilly. Yuigahama backed away slowly and hid behind Yukinoshita.

"Yukinon, Hikki's kinda scary right now…"

"My only regret is that it would be far too dangerous to be close enough to see the expression on her face when she opens this."

"Hikki, what did you even put in there? Wasn't it just a short note saying Merry Christmas?"

"Oh, Yuigahama. You poor, innocent soul. I had to exact some revenge for this afternoon's fiasco." I stopped quickly. Crap, I shouldn't have brought it up. Now I was conscious of it. Trying to gloss it over, I continued, "...and for all those times she threatened me with her fists to make me do stuff. All those papers I wrote were well-reasoned and backed up with facts and logic, but she still made me rewrite them…"

"As if anything coming from you would be well-reasoned and logical, Hikigaya-kun."

"Oh, come on, Yukinoshita. You agreed with me earli-er, that is, well, never mind." Crap, I did it again! I looked away quickly, trying not to think about it. I'll have no misunderstandings anymore. I promised myself this back then, and it is what I will continue to live by today. To misunderstand is a choice one makes-I chose to not misunderstand. I never make assumptions, never jump to conclusions. And I'm never disappointed.

"A-anyway, let's get this box to Hiratsuka-sensei. Club over for today, miss president?" I looked over at Yukinoshita and found staring right at me. She awkwardly looked away, then hurriedly picked up her stuff and rushed out of the clubroom in a whirl. "...right, I guess so then…" I finished to myself. I turned to the remaining member of the service club still standing in that half-lit room. Her face glowed slightly red in the feeble light of the sunset through the window. "Time to go, I guess…?" I suggested to the still figure. Yuigahama nodded, but then, twisting her fingers together at her waist, she glanced down and breathed some quiet words.

"You know, Hikki… I… I wouldn't have m-minded…" She trailed off, fidgeting in silence. The wind whistled past outside, the gray December clouds filtering the light of the red winter sun as it streamed through the windows of that quiet clubroom. I shivered slightly as the cold began to seep into my still frame.

Abruptly, Yuigahama snapped her head back up and tried to give me a bright smile. "Come on, Hikki, you're gonna make Yukinon wait!" She grabbed her bag off of the chair behind me and hurried outside to Yukinoshita. I stood for a moment by myself in the middle of the room. This club, where we were supposed to help others move forward with their lives. Perhaps one day we'd move forward too.

...

Wishful thinking. "Supposed to move forward" didn't necessarily mean it would happen. Reality meant facades, fronts, stagnation, misdirection, and misunderstandings. I knew all of these things all too well, and I wouldn't fall for anything-or anyone-like that again. Just because it might be true, just because you hoped it to be true, just because it seemed to be true-in all likelihood, you were wrong. Happy endings to fairy tales were nothing but that-a fairy tale that never existed, a fantasy that reality would never allow. Meetings inevitably lead to partings. Life inevitably leads to death. Hoping inevitably leads to disappointment. That's why I would never be fooled again.

That's why I would always run away.

And I was a pretty damn good runner.

I grabbed my bag and walked out of the dark clubroom.

Epilogue

The package had shown up mysteriously on her doorstep on a Saturday afternoon. Shizuka Hiratsuka had gone out to answer the door for an old friend only to nearly trip flat on her face over the box on her front porch. After inviting her visitor inside, she picked up the battered cardboard box and brought it inside. It was surprisingly light for such a large box, and she wondered who it was from.

"Did you see who dropped this off?" she asked her guest as she popped open her third drink of the day.

"Nope, it was sitting there when I arrived. Good job almost tripping over it though."

"Hey, I bet you moved it there on purpose so that I'd trip over it. That's just the kind of person you are."

"Fufufu. I was expecting you to get this box back eventually. That's why I came today."

"Get this box back..?" Shizuka asked, confused. But then she made out the thin pen marks on the top of the box. Merry Christmas from the Service Club.

"Oh, those cheeky kids." She ripped the box open and sure enough, they had returned all the mistletoe she'd sent them to decorate with. "Ahahaha! Looks like your plan failed, Haruno-san. Those kids are more stubborn than you give them credit for."

"Oh, Shizuka-chan, I wasn't really expecting them to just go for it. That would be boring."

"Well, they sure have some nerve to send it back to me as a Christmas present. Look, they even attached a note." She picked up the paper with the message scrawled across it in familiar handwriting.

Merry Christmas, Hiratsuka-sensei. I trust we find you in good health, as you looked just fine yesterday. We found that all three of us regrettably had certain allergies to this plant that you sent us to decorate with-coughing, sneezing, morally opposed, etc. Since you went to the trouble of procuring this, we figured we should at least send it back to you. Happy holidays.

Sincerely,

The service club.

"Or so he says," Shizuka muttered. "That Hikigaya, I'd recognize his handwriting anywhere. Do you know why it's become burned into my skull? Because I've read at least twice as many papers from him as from the other students."

"That's because you keep making him redo them."

"If you read them as his teacher, you'd make him redo them too." Shizuka paused. "Actually, you probably wouldn't. In fact, I don't ever want to imagine you as that kid's teacher again. He's got enough hassle in his life."

"Sounds like you're pretty fond of him, eh, Shizuka-chan?" Haruno teased.

"I'm pretty fond of all of them, honestly. They tend to grow on you." She looked back at the letter. "Oh, there's a postscript."

P.S: Hiratsuka-sensei, you might want to try hanging these up around your neighborhood and going on walks. Maybe then you'll actually be able to meet somebody.

At the nearby Chiba weather station, the attendant on duty for monitoring the instruments woke up from his nap. Confused, he checked his watch. His shift wasn't over yet, and neither had his alarm gone off. Then he realized the beeping was coming from the seismograph in the corner. As he apprehensively approached the machine, the floor began to noticeably quiver, and then shake. Frightened, he ran to the machine and gazed at it. The tiny little needle was vibrating in larger and larger waves across the ticker paper like a terrified little mouse.

The earthquake that afternoon befuddled scientists. It seemed to defy all tectonic plate movement measures and predictions…but a magnitude 4.7 earthquake was no small deal.

The smoking remains of Hiratsuka-sensei's rage lay scattered across the floor of her foyer. Charred and torn slabs of cardboard lay spread across the ground, and the singed leaves of the mistletoe rustled as Haruno picked up the torn halves of the note from the floor. She chuckled slightly, "Oh, Hikigaya." He would have hell to pay when the presently dead drunk Shizuka Hiratsuka returned to school the next Monday, but that wasn't Haruno's problem.

"You may have been stubborn this time, but that just makes me want to play with you all the more." Haruno licked her lips slightly. "You're not very good at science, Hikigaya-kun. Newton's third law. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. I'll play with you until you have no choice but to fight back."

And then she smiled. Not the fake, convenient smile that she showed everyone. Not the cold, disinterested smile she showed those she didn't find interesting. No, she smiled a genuine smile, one she never showed anyone, one with a fair amount of calculating playfulness, but also with more caring and affection than she would ever realize. "And when you fight back, surely you can move forward."

Hey again guys, ImaNuke here.

I hope you liked the second half of my two-shot (It's like a oneshot but two parts).

This was a bit harder to write than I realized, which is why it took me a couple days. I vaguely remember saying it'd be up by the 25th, so sorry for the delay. But hey, promises you can't keep are the best kind, right?

Initially when I came up with this idea, a similar scene to this is what popped into my head, with Hachiman leaping back and being like 'lolnope.' But then I got fixated on this idea that there should be a happy ending, and I tried to write in a proper mistletoe kiss… Well, let's just say it didn't work. There were some characters in the story, but they weren't Hikigaya Hachiman and co. So I decided to go back to what would really happen, and I think it came out alright.

Man, I never get tired of writing Hachiman sophistry.

Thanks for reading, see you in my next fanfic.