(Chapter 6)

At Spencer's apartment, there are two quick knocks at the door.

SPENCER: "Who's there?"

FREDDIE: "In five, four, three, two..."

SPENCER: "In five, four, three, two... who?"

(laugh track)

FREDDIE: "In five, four, three, two... you're dead!"

SPENCER: "Oh SHIT!"

The door is kicked open, and Freddie Benson walks in with a machete.

Spencer fumbles about in the kitchen and picks up a curly straw.

SPENCER: "AWWW FUCKING SHIT SHIT FUCKING SHIT!"

FREDDIE: "You had sex with my MOTHER?!"

Spencer, looking horrified, his jaw locked open, silently nods his head.

FREDDIE: "... in her ASS?!"

SPENCER: "(timidly) Y... yeah... (suddenly serious) Hey, you know what? Calm down there, Norman Bates. Your mom is an adult woman with her own life to live. Why does it matter to you so much who has sex with her anyway?... in her ass?"

FREDDIE: "Because she's MY mom! Not YOURS! She's MINE! Okay?!"

SPENCER: "Oohhhh..kayyyy... that's awwkwarrrrd."

Freddie for the first time glances about the room. He sees Sam and Carly's lifeless bodies lying on the floor.

FREDDIE: "You KILLED my BEST FRIENDS?!"

SPENCER (quietly, hesitatingly): "...To be fair, Carly kinda killed herself, technically."

FREDDIE: "ENOUGH! I've HAD it with your goofy, Jack Tripper BULLSHIT!"

Freddie takes a wide swing with the machete, grazing Spencer's finger.

Spencer holds up his slightly cut finger with horror on his face,

SPENCER: "aaaaaAAAAAAAAAWWWWWW!"

and Spencer starts running around as the tiny cut on his finger squirts massive amounts of blood all over the apartment's ceiling, walls and furnishings.

Spencer eventually falls on his back, on top of Carly's body.

Freddie, holding his machete with a double-handed overhand grip, charges at Spencer. Spencer rolls out of the way, and Freddie accidentally brings the blade down hard on to Carly's lifeless body.

FREDDIE: "What? Oh no, Carly, no! I'm so sorry."

SPENCER: "Hey buttplug! Don't steal my lines!"

Spencer tackles Freddie from behind, giving Freddie a headlock with a noogie.

FREDDIE (grimacing, choking under the headlock noogie): "You're... the... buttplug... sodomite!"

Freddie and Spencer wrestle towards the kitchen. Freddie escapes the headlock and puts Spencer in a headlock of his own. Spencer, while stuck in the headlock and groaning in pain, comically reaches for a frying pan, places it on the stove-top, grabs the Buttersock, places Buttersock on to the frying pan, turns on the stove-top knob, bending down a bit to check the size of the flame.

(laugh track)

Spencer escapes the headlock. Spencer reaches into a cabinet drawer and pulls out a chef's knife.

SPENCER: "A-HA!"

Freddie picks up the cooking Buttersock off of the frying pan.

FREDDIE: "This one's for Sam!"

Freddie strikes Spencer in the face with the Buttersock. Instead of a hard thud, there's a squishy {splash} and the sound of sizzling as the wet, piping-hot melted Buttersock sticks to Spencer's face, quickly bubbling and smoking. Spencer drops the knife in the shock of his pain.

SPENCER: "Yeeeeaaaaoooowww!"

FREDDIE (sniffing the air): "Mmm... Smells just like the movies."

(laugh track)

Freddie grabs Spencer by his stupid hair and slams his head against the elevator door. Spencer collapses in a heap to the floor. Freddie, taking off his shirt and revealing his sweaty work-in-progress boy-muscles, slides the elevator doors open. The elevator is not there. Freddie looks up the elevator shaft, and sees the bottom of the lift a few floors above.

As Spencer lies on the floor, Freddie guides Spencer's barely-conscious head through the open door of the empty elevator shaft.

FREDDIE: "Enjoy it. This'll be the last time you'll EVER get to 'go down'."

Freddie hits the button calling the elevator back down to apartment 8-C.

The elevator descends quickly, crashing down on Spencer's neck, instantly decapitating him.

Freddie, panting heavily, pulls up Spencer's headless body by its arms, dragging it unceremoniously to near the center of the room, leaving it with its butt sticking up.

FREDDIE: "And this? This one's for Carly."

Freddie pulls down Spencer's pants, picks up Spencer's Camera-Squirrel sculpture, and forcefully jams it into Spencer's butthole. After a couple of seconds, the Camera-Squirrel randomly catches on fire.

(laugh track)

Shirtless Freddie Benson, panting and sweating, looks at the scene of the sanguinary massacre all around him. He walks over to Sam, still lying down with her mouth around the exhaust pipe. He kisses her head and closes her eyes with his hand.

Freddie walks over to Carly's body. Freddie starts to cry like a pussy. He pulls his machete out of Carly's torso. He kneels down beside her, kisses her lips, and shuts her eyes with his hand.

Freddie Benson slowly walks towards the center of the apartment, the light extinguished from his eyes, machete in hand.

Freddie Benson stands alone, in frozen silence. Blood and bodies everywhere.

FREDDIE: "And... we're clear."

Freddie stabs himself with his machete, dying instantly. He falls face first on to the floor with a thud as the machete completely pops right up out of his back and falls to the floor to his side. His broken, but still beating heart impaled on the blade.

Carly's dad walks in through the door.

CARLY'S DAD: "...Not even me?"

Carly's dad looks around at the apartment from the doorway, seeing dead bodies and blood splattered everywhere.

CARLY'S DAD: "What the FUCK happened HERE?"

(laugh track)

THE END.

THERE WILL BE NO SPINOFFS!

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