Title: Sorry for that Night

Rating: PG/K

Pairings: past Ned/Nancy, past Frank/Callie, Frank/Nancy

Disclaimer: If I wrote it, it wouldn't be published because it would be locked in endless revision.

Summary: Nancy reflects on her choice, why she made it, and why it was the wrong one. Companion to Feeling So Small, inspired by "Back to December."

Author's Note: So an anonymous review got me thinking about why I like Frank/Nancy despite the cheating angle because I hate infidelity and couldn't go back after a breech of trust like that. So why was I okay with Frank and Nancy who did cheat on Ned and Callie?

I had this whole meta answer (though most of what I know of meta is from video games) where I explained that I know part of it was because they were victims of a publishing ploy, that they couldn't be allowed to be together to keep the series separate and the same as always. Then I go into why I think the characters acted the way they did, because I think they both have a sense of honor and didn't want to do the wrong thing. They just didn't always know what the right thing was and they were human. They messed up, but they tried to fix it. Not in the way I wanted, but that goes back to reason one.

And I was reminded of "Back to December" when someone suggested "Speak Now" as a Frank/Nancy song. Listening to it again, this bit of Nancy's introspection came into being, since I needed a palate cleansing before diving into the next part of Far From Home.

I haven't picked apart which lyrics were which part, though I could. They are kind of obvious, I hope, since I'm being lazy.

Sorry for that Night

The last time she'd seen him was burned in her memory, and she figured it had seared just as much a place in his mind as it had hers. He had to feel the pain, and she could see his look was guarded even now. He'd been so on edge with her it was like she was his suspect, not a fellow investigator. Three days into working on the same case, and all they'd done was talk about things that didn't skirt even close to what had happened that night.

She wasn't sure that he ever wanted to discuss it again. She'd heard things over the years, though not as much as she used to. She'd lost touch with the Hardys when Frank asked for a clean break, and she knew he was right to ask as much as it hurt and she missed his friendship.

The trouble was, that friendship crept too close to a line she knew they both hated themselves for crossing, one they'd backpedaled back from more than once. The trouble was that Frank, at least, knew he felt more than friendship, and he couldn't—wouldn't—pretend otherwise. He was right not to. It wasn't fair, for as much as they'd known the kisses would hurt Ned and Callie, it would have hurt just as much if not more to be saying that he loved her when he was lying, when he loved someone else more.

Sometimes you're with someone when you meet the one, Bess had said, defending her flirting, but there was some truth to it. Sometimes it happened where the person that you were with wasn't the one you needed to be with, the one that was forever. That person you were dating was a step on the path to finding forever, and maybe they were so damn close they made you mistake it for forever when it wasn't supposed to last.

Nancy had chosen Ned. She'd been with him in high school and swore that was more than what she'd felt for Frank for all the heated looks, the love of mysteries, the way they were in sync in so many ways. If there was a soulmate out there in the world for her, it was Frank—but she'd always tried to believe that soulmate bond between them was platonic.

Now, after time enough had passed to where she knew she'd been wrong, that the feelings she'd had for him weren't anything that was going to pass or fade, that she'd let forever go for something that close but not quite right, she knew that she had to tell him.

She swallowed. "Frank, I was wrong."

He stared at her.

"I was," she repeated, trying to say more even as her throat wanted to dry up and close on her. "I'm sorry. You said you loved me—not in those exact words—and I said I didn't love you. I could say I got scared and ran back to the familiar, but it wasn't just that. You found the strength to admit that what you felt for Callie wasn't enough. I thought that what I felt for you wasn't enough. I thought Ned was the one. And I went with him, all the while missing you and everything we used to share. I know I hurt you. I didn't want to, but I wasn't as sure as you were. I was sure of... the wrong thing."

Frank didn't say anything. She didn't know what she'd thought—that it would be like some dream or fairytale and he'd tell her he still loved her and all was forgiven—or that he'd say that was great but he was over her now and with someone—happily married to someone who hadn't stomped on his heart.

"I thought letting you go would make it so I was happy with Ned, but I wasn't. It wasn't that I thought I could have you both, and I knew I was losing you as a friend, too, and that hurt so much... I'm not sure when exactly it happened, but I had crossed that line we said we wouldn't. Losing your friendship hurt more than losing Ned. And that shouldn't be true."

"Nancy—"

"I'm sorry. That came out a bit wrong," she said, feeling awkward. "It's just... if he was going to be the one I loved forever, then it should have hurt more when we split than it did when I lost you. It didn't. And I'm sorry. All I've done for the past three years is miss you. I'd go back to that night if I could. I'd change my own mind. I'd fix this. I'd have made the choice that was right. It would still have hurt, but not for the same reason."

Something in Frank's expression made her wonder what had happened when he broke things off with Callie, but she didn't dare ask now.

"Most of all, I'm sorry because if I could love you now, this time I'd do it right."