The sharp night chill of December went unnoticed by max. Despite her only wearing boyshorts and a t-shirt. Despite bare feet in contact with the chilled concrete of the dormitory roof. The only thing she noticed was the twisting and gnashing in her stomach. The sizeable hole in her heart.

She set her phone on the ledge. The Slip's 'suffocation keep' played softly in the background. Max understood that music acts as a magnifying lens for emotions. The great enabler for pity parties. She knew that. But tonight was a night to feel. No more stone. No more listlessly making it through the day.

Tonight, max would feel fucking everything.

Every last emotion she had been working to quell since that day. The - ..the last time she saw Chloe. Tears welled up and max let them flow.

'Chloe' she whimpered through her sobbing, curling up against the ledge and hugging knees to her chest. How could Chloe do that? Why did she listen to her?She was eighteen. And she loved chloe. What kind of fucking choice is that for her to make?

'Oh max, I hella love you, but you need to let me die so you can be john fucking shepherd.' Or Jack fucking shepherd. Or all the fucking shepherds who sacrificed evrey precious thing they loved because that's apparently the right thing to do.

She felt played. Like the universe had toyed with her in the worst cable TV game show ever.

'Oh max! Here are some sick powers you can use to save this blue haired girl from dying, who by the way is your long lost best friend that you left in the dust!'

'Oh what's that max? Of course! Here's the chance you needed to make amends for the shit friend you were. No problem. It's actually really great, because she's in a rough place and hella needs you right now'

'But that's not all! Because in what could be called the greatest turn of events since whatever hipster fucking pop culture reference you want, you love her max. And she loves you!'

Isn't that great max?

To giver her this. All of this...this bright in her life, and then slap it out of her hands while flipping her the bird.

'Ooooh you know what. Sorry max I read the wrong paper. Actually, fuck you. Fuck you and Chloe. She really needs to die because of universe stuff. It's actually way more important that other people live. Like Victoria. You do want her to be famous don't you max? This is so worth Chloe dying max. '

"Fuck!" Max shouted, kneeling on the ground and slamming a fist into the cement. Her inner monolague getting lost in the desperate plea. Her heart was empty. Empty and barren. A wasteland not even fit for mad max. Super max. Spider max. Max max fucking max. Desolate. She remembered the final kiss she shared with Chloe, and how the warmth from that moment nearly burned out the dread she felt for what was to come. Nearly.

Now there was nothing. She could feel it. Clawing at her throat. She was drowning up to her eyes in this...in this emptiness. In this. The wanting. The lack of.

"Why, why, why fucking fuck why" her right fist was red now. Spots of blood and bruising beginning to show. She stood up, hands gripping her hair, her feet just...moving. In directions. Any direction. She stumbled in circles. She just couldn't - couldn't keep herself still. Heart beating and feeling as if it could burst from her chest at any moment.

Who the fuck should have to make that decision? Why did she listen to Chloe? She should have let the town be ripped to shreds. Or taken the bullet for Chloe. Gone back in time and stabbed a pen in Jefferson's eye. She should have done anything other than just sit there.

It was her now. She was Arcadia, grief the tornado, and it was tearing up her insides, her heart a house being thrown about in the twisting writhing agony. Fucking wizard of oz. Max was sick. Sick to her stomach. Sick to her very being with grief.

And now she was here. On this roof again. A lifetime ago she was trying to coax Kate down. Now she stood, coaxing herself over.

Poor Kate! She thought. At least back...back then max had been there to help her. When it went down now, Kate had to deal with it herself. Learning what Jefferson had done to her had devastated the girl. And max was too busy barely existing to be there for her.

And despite it all, Kate still pulled through. That innocent, sweet, beautiful girl was strong as steel. And max? Max was here. Dealing with the overbearing realization that it was wrong. She had made the wrong choice. Fucked up.

At least back before she let Chloe die, the town had been better off. Or those max knew. Now, nothing had changed. Victoria was still a bitch. Kate still had to deal with everything by herself. Joyce and David watched their daughter's funeral wondering where they went wrong. Wondering how their daughter could have been in such a bad state. They had no idea the pure...force she really was. The enigma max knew.

And Chloe..

Chloe died lost. Wanting for Rachel. Still marked by the betrayal of max.

She had said that their memories would mean something. Be somewhere. But that was bullshit. Those memories were just in max's head. Chloe died lonely and lost.

Why had she listened to that woman? Of course it seemed like the right thing to say. Max would have absolutely told Chloe to sacrifice her over the bay. Chloe wouldn't have done it. What sense does it make for a tornado to destroy a town if someone lived instead of died. And who should care. Decisions have consequences, that is all it is. Max picked what, at the time, seemed would less weigh her soul down. Max did what Max always does.

Run away. Abandon. Chloe was right to fear. To doubt. Max did the same dumb shit. And it was time to deal.

"I...I'm sorry chloe" Max spoke. A step closer to the edge. Her voice was soft. Hoarse. She didn't talk much anymore.

"Chloe, I left you and I'm just so so sorry. You didn't deserve this. You didn-"

"Max?" The voice and creaking of a door opening stopped max mid sentence. She turned quickly, taken aback.

Framed in the rooftop doorway stood Kate Marsh. Wearing a set of flannel pajamas and warm down coat. The girl seemed just as shocked as max.

"Max, what are you doing here?" She stepped closer as max racked her brain for an answer. Or words. Or anything

"Max - Oh my gosh max were you gonna"

"No..Kate I. I'm just. I came here t-" she couldn't even finish the lie before the tears came

"Kate I can't - I can't do this anymore. She's dead a - and it's my fault. I killed her kate. She was my best friend and I abandoned her" She was gasping for air now between sobbing and speaking

"I was here for a month before it happened and I didn't even speak to her. I killed her. I let her die and" she took a step back "and I can't deal-"

"MAX!" Kate shouted, a hint of tears in her eyes and desperation in her voice at the sight of her friend "What are you saying? You didn't kill her! Nathan did. He had a gun, and there was nothing you could have -"

"You don't get it Kate!" of course she thought this was only about the moment in the bathroom. That moment was bad enough, but Kate had no idea the scope of everything else. Just how immensely Max had failed Chloe. Max shook her head. Her eyes bloodshot, the skin under them pink and puffy.

"I should have been there for her. I should have done - just so many things differently but...I can't now. I see her face. I see her there on the floor and I can't live with my-"

"MAXINE CAULFIELD you stop it! Step down from there right now" Kate shouted.

Shouted? Max was at a loss. Kate even seemed taken aback herself, before returning to intensly staring at max.

"I -I understand, you witnessed your best friend being murdered by a psychopath and then all this...the awfulness that is J..Jefferson" even Kate had a hard time bringing his name up

"But..You've just been so distant Max. You don't return anyones calls or texts. Skip classes. Refuse to turn in homework" she stepped closer and closer to max, who was a deer in the headlights at this imposing new image of Kate Marsh.

"You don't talk to warren. Dana. Me. And now this? How is this ok max? To do..this without even speaking to me? I mean, you skip all our tea dates. You never answer when I knock on your door..."

Really? Was this actually happening? Max had seen, and then prevented Kate from dying and now they were in a complete role reversal

"Max I" Kates voice softened. Picked up the familiar sweet tone max was so fond of

"Trust me I get..I get this" she motioned to the roof. To the ledge

"I do. But you wer- you are one of my closest friends here, and I will not let you go like this. Not before you come inside and talk through this with me" Kate was face to face with Max now, offering her friend a hand.

"I'll make some tea and..we can talk...please"

Max was shaken out of the stupor she had been in. Kate had a way of..inflection with her voice that just struck the right chords sometime. She met Kate's stare, her eyes intense and somehow so affectionate at the same time. Damn that girl. However empty and lost max felt there was a part of her that felt - well knew Kate deserved this. If kate listened to max, then max could at least hear kate out. Timidly she grasped the girls hand.

"Goo- Oh jeez max" Kate let out as she went to pull her towards the door "Your hands are freezing. Here- Take my coat" max felt the light down coat embrace her shoulders and - well now that she actually considered it, it was ice up here.

"We are going to my room, I'm gonna put on some tea and then...we are gonna deal with this max"