A/N: For the prompt- what if Hisana was reborn into the Bleach world before the Gotei 13 was formed, and met Unohana back when Unohana was still Soul Society's most notorious serial killer? How would they get along? (Originally posted on tumblr)

(In which Hisana just sets up her own little healing village in the middle of some forest, which becomes renowned for its neutrality. Also known as the one in which the most bloodthirsty, violent woman in the world and the most caring, peaceful woman in the world-by reputation, anyway- strike up a very odd friendship)

"Sensei, she's back."

There's no need for Hisana to ask who 'she' is. Even if her assistant's pale, terrified face hadn't given the fact away, the overwhelming reiatsu pulsating from the front door would have. With an exasperated sigh, she marches over.

"What was it this time?" she asks irritably, not bothering with politeness. As far as she was concerned, Unohana Yachiru didn't deserve politeness. Politeness was reserved for those who didn't stop by every two weeks to leave piles of near-corpses at her door. "They bumped into you on the street? They had punchable faces?"

"They claimed they were strong fighters," Unohana replies before giving her an amused smile. "Although, yes. I guess you could say they did have… 'punchable' faces." Hisana sighs, rubbing her eyes tiredly.

"There is such a thing as self-restraint, you know," she says, even as she bends down to inspect the two men in the process of bleeding out at her feet.

"I did exercise self-restraint. I didn't kill them, did I?" At Hisana's continued silence, Unohana goes still. "You're upset with me. Why? Is it because I didn't wait outside? I know how you hate cleaning up bloodstains."

"It's nothing. Just…don't worry about it," Hisana says as she concludes her diagnostic scan. Patient one had four broken ribs, a cracked collarbone, a concussion, and a broken nose. Patient two had a cracked sternum, a dislocated shoulder, and was bleeding sluggishly from a laceration in his side. She quickly stops the bleeding before motioning to a few nearby aides to carry off her newest patients.

Glancing at Unohana's blood-splattered clothes, Hisana bites her lip.

"You are not hurt?" She inquires. Unohana laughs, softly.

"After all this time, you still feel the need to ask that question?"

"I'll always ask," Hisana replies. "You are my friend."

"Even so, it is kind of you to worry. You really are a gentle soul, aren't you?" Unohana murmurs.

"I must be, to put up with you," Hisana says wryly. She looks towards where Unohana's latest victims were carried off. "Doesn't it get boring? Those men…they stood no chance against you. They had barely a hundredth of your spiritual energy."

"And yet, even they had more than most. It's becoming increasingly difficult, finding opponents with enough spiritual energy that they aren't immediately crushed like a bug the moment I stop suppressing mine," Unohana admits. "Sometimes I feel like I've fought them all already."

"Wait, what about me? You've never challenged me," Hisana points out, looking suddenly offended.

"You?" Unohana presses a hand to her lips in a futile attempt to suppress her smile. "Hisana, physical combat is hardly your strong point."

"Maybe not, but I could do a better job than them, at least!" Hisana says indignantly, motioning towards where Unfortunate Unohana Victim #1 and Unfortunate Unohana Victim #2 are now being tended to.

"You forget, my dear, that I already challenged you to a fight," Unohana says, lips twitching.

"What? No, you didn't. When?" Hisana asks, wringing her hands distressingly.

"Our first meeting. Don't you remember? I let you have the first attack– held myself wide open and you took it as an opportunity to run a diagnostic scan on me, of all the ridiculous things. And then you had the gall to tell me to stop wasting your time if I wasn't injured, because you had actual patients with actual wounds to tend to," Unohana says, growing steadily more amused at the sight of Hisana's now tomato-red face.

"I, um." Hisana takes a moment to clear her throat. "Sorry about that. In my defense, I was just starting out in my practice and you were covered in blood. Normally when people come to me covered in blood, it means that they're dying." She pauses. "But why didn't you ever try to clear up the misunderstanding? That was years ago!"

"I confess, I found myself quite charmed. It'd been a long time since I've been lectured," Unohana says, a glint in her eyes. "And afterwards…well, I decided I found your company more valuable than whatever fight you could grant me."

This time, Hisana finds herself blushing for an entirely different reason.

"Stay," she blurts out. At Unohana's raised eyebrows, she finds herself blushing deeper. "I mean, I can teach you how to heal. So, uh, you don't have to worry about your opponents dying on you too soon. And…in return, you can teach me how to fight? I can't promise I'll be the most interesting opponent but I'm a pretty quick learner and–"

"If you want me to stay, Hisana, you can just ask. You don't need to provide a reason," Unohana says with a slight smile. "Knowing you want me around is enough."

"If you want to visit, Yachiru, you can just come by. You don't need to drop half-dead men at my doorstep all the time. Having you around is enough," Hisana retorts snarkily before promptly slapping both hands over her mouth. She turns to look at Unohana with wide eyes. "Um…ignore that, please–"

Unohana cuts her off with a laugh, shaking her head.

"You really are something, aren't you," she says fondly. "I hope you never change, Hisana."

"I'm glad you think that way," Hisana says distractedly. "Now can we please get you out of those clothes–"

Unohana raises an eyebrow.

"– not like that! Because they're filthy and– would you stop looking me like that? Because they're covered in blood and– you know what, forget it. You can just stay in them all week for all I care–"

"I don't see why you're getting so flustered, Hisana. I would happily undress for you any time you like," Unohana says serenely.

"…I regret this already."

A/N: ...also known as the one in which I am chronically incapable of writing anything non-shippy. And it's like, I don't even ship them. Not even remotely. Except when we're talking about younger, psychotic Unohana, apparently.