A/N: This is my first Call The Midwife fic. I've been wanting to write something from Patsy's perspective since we learned about her past, as one of my favourite shows is an 1980s BBC gem called Tenko. I do hope you enjoy.

Patsy clutched the letter between her hands, resisting the desire to crumple the piece of paper that had been causing her so much anguish over the past few days. First the offending item had been stuffed in the bottom of her bedside cabinet drawer, as she had not quite been able to throw it away, until she could no longer resist letting her eyes pour over the invitation again. And then she had thought long and hard about what the sensible thing to do would be. And after that she had thought about what Delia would tell to her do, which wasn't always the most sensible thing – Deels had always had a far bigger sense of adventure than her – but it always the right thing.

She took a few deep breaths, questioning whether or not she should talk the whole thing through with the other girl, and also questioning why on earth she couldn't bring herself to tell her. Honesty wasn't her strong suit – well, it was. Some would describe her as abrupt, and at her old work even tactless and snobbish. But full, unabashed, open honesty about her feelings? That was difficult. Delia had once said that she fared better with facades, and she was right. Sister Julienne was a kindred spirit in that sense – to the point, with just the right amount of carefully measured empathy.

She rapped her knuckles against the door a few times, and there was silence. She was rather hoping that it went on for long enough so that she could simply walk away, put the letter back at the bottom of the drawer, or perhaps even in the bin – no, better, the fire, she thought bitterly – and forget all about it. No, goodness, that would be the day. But alas, she was beckoned inside. The stoic yet kindly nun glanced up, raising her eyebrows. She gave little away, but enough for Patsy to know that the other woman did not expect it to be her paying an impromptu evening visit to her office. Trixie perhaps, to update her of her progress with her AA meetings, or more recently to ask favours regarding the scheduling of her keep fit classes, or Barbara maybe, with her bouts of homesickness and nervous disposition. But not Patsy.

"Nurse Mount." She smiled softly. "Can I help?"

Patsy faltered for a moment, attempting to invent any sort of excuse, anything but this. Her imagination failed her, and she knew she must ask, Delia would want her to. If she was lucky, Sister Julienne would say no, and that would be the end of it.

"Um, yes." She started, hovering in the doorway until the nun gestured for her to sit. The paper in her hand began to crease and she sucked in her cheeks, demanding to herself that she find her composure and firmly cling to it. Feeling a little bit more herself, she adopted a more straightforward tone. "I received an invitation, to a meeting. I would need to be relieved of my duties for an evening next month, a Thursday – an odd day, I know." She watched the nun's face, her curiosity, as she cocked her head slightly, waiting for her to finish. "I understand if it's much too inconvenient though, and if I can't be spared, and its not that-"

"What kind of meeting, Nurse Mount?" The sister cut across her, brow furrowed, as Patsy realised she'd neglected to explain herself properly.

"Its for…its for those of us who were interned. During the war. A woman, she's called Helen Knight," She pushed the letter across the desk, pointing to the woman's name signed off at the bottom, "has reached out to as many of us as she could trace. She's starting some sort of society, meetings, tea and biscuits…talking, I suppose." She began to loose her resolve again, rambling, trying to explain, though she didn't really understand what she was letting herself in if she was honest. "I might see someone I knew, once, perhaps. I'd like to go." Would she? Did she really want this? "At least one time."

Sister Julienne eye's scanned over the words on the page. They were formal, but kind and encouraging. This Helen Knight, she had good intentions, Patsy knew that much, and it wasn't only physical medicine that was advancing these days. After two wars the medical world had learned more than ever that other kinds of pain needed healing too, and that there were betting ways of doing it these days that locking people up who weren't able to lock their feelings up within themselves as efficiently as other people. People like Patsy.

"I never knew you were interned, Nurse Mount." Sister Julienne said softly. Patsy could have kicked herself, she should have explained.

"Oh, its not-" It's not really something I talk about, she wanted to say. "I mean, I was born in Singapore, which I'm sure you knew." She said. "Though I didn't mean to imply that you should have inferred." She quickly backtracked.

"That I did know." Sister Julienne remarked, as she would have, as she would have seen Patsy's personal information, "Of course you may attend this meeting, and any subsequent ones should you wish."

Patsy breathed a sigh of relief, if one could call it that. She had rather been hoping that her request be declined, but knowing Sister Julienne, she could not think of why she would have said no. She stood up, "Thank you, Sister Julienne." Pausing for a moment, not seeing what she had to loose in regards to loosing herself in front of the nun, "Can I ask that…can I ask that this be kept discreet?"

"That's fine, Nurse Mount. I understand. Shall we say you are visiting an old family member? After all, in a sense, you are. It always helps to be around kindred spirits when it comes to our greatest burdens." She suggested reasonably.

Releasing another internal sigh, this time of gratitude, she nodded and bid the nun goodnight, leaving her to finish her paperwork, and thankful for her tone and understanding. She needed no sympathy, and certainly didn't want it, and would have been mortified had Sister Julienne attempted to coddle her, or make some sort of deal of the whole affair. She was glad that the older woman had accurately inferred she required the clipped and formal response she had given her.

She folded the letter back up, slipping it into her pocket, since it wasn't going to be something she could sweep under the rug now. She supposed she could still back out – Helen Knight had required no reply or confirmation of attendance, and the only person that would know she had, as they said in Poplar, bottled it, would be Sister Julienne.

"Don't look so pleased to see me then!" She looked up, startled, only then realising that she had gravitated toward the kitchen for a cup of tea, her heart melting when she saw Delia there, placing a kettle on the hob. "Deer in headlights, you." She tutted. "Long day?"

Patsy's teeth sunk into her bottom lip, and her body sunk into a chair at the table. "Not particularly." Deels' stare bore into her. The other woman wore her heart in her eyes, Patsy would say, and she could tell she was under scrutiny. "I have something to tell you."

"Oh? What is it, cariad?" She let the term of endearment slip, as it was just they two in the kitchen at this hour. Trixie was out attending a birth, and Barbara was in bed after a long labour, and the nuns usually getting to bed early. Patsy had honestly had it the best of the three midwives today – a relatively simple delivery that had her home by six. She prepared the tea pot, and a couple of cups, and Patsy remembered how Deels had remarked that she loved it when they were alone in the kitchen, so she could pretend that they had got to live in their flat after all. The other woman had quite the imagination, and Patsy envied it – her own speculations were always on the pessimistic side. "You want to take your time?" Her tone softened, as it clicked all too quickly that this was a little more serious that she had first thought.

Why she found it almost impossible to speak about it unless absolutely necessary she would never know. The words got stuck in her throat, and perhaps it was because she didn't need to explain herself to Delia for the other woman to grasp such an uncanny understanding of how she felt and what she needed that she got away with not saying. She watched the cogs turning in Delia's brain, feeling guilty for making her work hard for this when she should be able to be open with the woman she loved. She could see her wondering – was it a tricky birth? Had a baby she'd delivered passed suddently? Had a favourite patient taken a turn? Something to do with her father – he was getting old after all?

"Pats?" Just in time, the water had boiled, and Delia transported the teapot to the table. "Sweetheart." She whispered. Usually Patsy would glance around, alarmed, terrified someone would hear, but it was so gentle and soft, and right now she didn't care. She could tell, even whilst staring at her hands in her lap, that as Delia's eyes flickered over her the smaller woman had figured it out. The shame she felt over her inability to just keep a grip on everything was nearly as great as her grief over the suffering she'd endured and the things she had lost.

"I'm sorry." She glanced up at Delia's kind, searching gaze, and watched those cog's turn all over again, the other woman never pressing her, only reading her like a book – a sad and trashy pulp novel at this point. VJ Day wasn't until August, so it couldn't be that. Wait, when was she interned? Oh, but Patsy didn't get sentimental about things like that, at least not like this. It could be…oh, but Patsy's mother died in September, and her sister a few weeks after. It's spring, perhaps something terrible happened then. But then, terrible things were happening the whole time.

"Oh, Pats. Tell me." Delia urged, and guilt began to set in as she could see she'd exhausted the other woman's usually flawless efforts to infer what was going on in her mind. She dug her hand into her pocket, and pressed the letter into her hand. She read it carefully, and then glanced to the doorway before grasping Patsy's chin in her hand and angling her eyes up to hers. "Pats…you must go. I know you won't want to, I know you'll tell me its silly and pointless, but you've got nothing to loose. At worst it'll bring it all up and you'll feel sad, but once its up, its out, and you'll feel better. I promise you, you will."

"I asked Sister Julienne, and she said yes." Delia smiled warmly, "But I'm still not sure."

"Well, I can't make you. But I think it's a splendid idea. This woman's gone right out of her way to organise this, and I know what you think, you think it'll be everyone sitting around teary eyed, but I'm sure it'll be much more casual than that. She wouldn't want to scare everyone away after all her hard work locating you now, would she?" Delia was right, if anything, it might be a laugh. "Come on then, let's take this tea upstairs to your room before Trixie get's back." She glanced at her watch. "She'll be gone for another few hours at least." Delia winked.

Raising her eyebrows in alarm, she chastised the other woman. "Delia, honestly, you really haven't got the art of subtly down yet, have you?"

"There she is." Delia shot her one of her grins, something she did when Patsy was being…well, undeniably Patsy, even if it was when she was telling her off. "And there's nothing wrong with having a chat in your room."

"It's not that…it's the…never mind." It was the things she said, the tone, the glances. She kept Patsy on her toes in more ways than one.

"Take your uniform off then." Patsy whipped around, Delia in the doorway, her eyes widening and her cheeks flushing. She swallowed hard. "You're off the roster, Sister Julienne told me to let you know." But it was early, only two in the afternoon. "I don't think she wants you getting caught by one of the others having to explain yourself if there's a call to arms and you have to say no."

"They're going to catch me in my civvies anyway." Patsy bemoaned. She'd had to explain herself to Trixie once, and she didn't want to do it all over again. Her friend did have a way of being understanding, when it came to it. In fact, it was almost easier to talk to someone who was a little brash when it came to sensitive topics, as the only person she'd ever allow to fawn over her was the other woman in this room.

"You don't owe it to anyone to explain yourself. Besides, I heard her dropping hints after you went upstairs about you going to see an uncle or something. So, you shouldn't be bombarded." Delia explained. "Why don't we go to a tea shop since you're free? Or we could stay here. I don't mind."

"Deels, you should still be in bed." She chastised. The other woman had a night shift ahead of her.

"Don't be silly, I wanted to be up for you, since I'm not going to see you off properly. We can talk about it in the morning though, promise." She smiled.

"No, because you'll be in bed then too, which is exactly where you should be before and after a night shift." She brushed off my bossiness, never having stood for it just in the same way that I never truly expected her to do as I said, taking a seat at the foot of my bed. Being in the same room together had taken on a new level of stressfulness since Delia had moved into Nonnatus, even if they were being perfectly innocent just as they were now. It would destroy them both to be discovered, so much so that it didn't bear thinking about. Except it was impossible not to – they had to think about, every minute of the day. Delia was worse at slipping up than she was, but stifling terms of endearment, sweet nothings and the way she longed to look at her was a constant struggle. They simply had to be careful though, there was no question that they'd be thrown out of the place, and if they were, Delia's mother would demand her return home. The woman was unsure enough about this arrangement as it was.

Eyeing her carefully, always simultaneously on edge but thrilled by Delia's unpredictability, always expecting a rogue hand to brush against her or a stare to go on for too long or too grow to deep, she began to unbutton her uniform. She grinned, and Patsy pressed her lips together. "What?" Delia asked.

"You're looking at me." Patsy said shyly. Their apprehension with each other was fading away every day, Delia's more rapidly, but the deepness of their love was developing at a much faster rate than the convenience of how they were living, and it was frustrating. Not that she knew what to do with Delia. They had kissed, of course – oh, how they had kissed. Once or twice they'd had the chance and the courage, the times it had coincided, to kiss in ways she had never imaged she would, and to feel things that made every hair on her body stand up.

"My mother taught me that it's rude not to look someone in the eye when you're talking to them." She quipped.

But you're not looking me in the eye. "Your mother probably didn't mean that you should ogle girls."

"She didn't specify. And besides, I don't ogle girls. Just you."

"That's just as well, Deels. But what if Trixie walked in just now, what would happen then?" She never took pleasure in having to remind Delia of their precarious situation. Sometimes she wished that her love would take things just a little bit more seriously, but at others she wished that she had Delia's carefree nature.

"She'd see you getting changed, just as you do in your room every single day, and in front of the others without any fuss. As Nurse Crane says, 'We're all girls together'. You worry too much Pats. Besides, I'm only looking, it's not a crime, and it's all I can do. So if you don't mind, I'd appreciate it if you'd let me enjoy it." She smiled wryly, and Patsy envied her unflappability and reasonable nature. She also appreciated that Delia was letting her perhaps overzealous caution slide. She was just on edge. Today was the day that she was going to face a lot of daemons and they both knew it. So, without further ado, she slipped her dress of her shoulders. Her underwear was nothing special, not that which she wore when working, but by the warmth in Delia's cheeks you would think it was from the swankiest Parisian boutique. "Pats?"

"Hmm?" She didn't rush about picking something to wear, in fact she had nothing in mind and was still bent over her drawers, and she supposed that she should let Delia enjoy herself.

"When do you suppose we could go about trying to get in the same room?" Deels had been here a month now, and it had been the burning question. It would arouse too much suspicion though; at least that was what Patsy thought. There was no plausible reason why Patsy would request to share with Delia, and vice versa. Trixie was, well, honestly, the woman was her best friend. She would be terribly offended. And Barbara, poor Barbara. She was so sweet; there was no reason that Delia should want to move out of her room, and it would hurt the girl's feelings so. Besides, Patsy had a feeling that Barbara's increasing affections for Tom weren't going down particularly well with Trixie, and it probably wasn't best for them to share a room.

"Delia…you know that we can't." She said softly.

The other woman's face fell. "You don't want to. Is that it?" Delia's ability to bounce back from Patsy's constant quelling of her wants and desires was waning, and it broke Patsy's heart.

"Of course not, darling. There's nothing I'd want more in the world. But you know there's no apparent reason why we should ask for such a thing. Besides, it would only increase the risk-"

"We'd be careful." Delia insisted.

"No, we wouldn't. You know we wouldn't." Patsy said softly. How would they not end up under the covers together every night? They answer was that there was no way, and they would be caught. It could be explained away once, maybe even twice. With a nightmare – they could say it was something to do with Patsy's time in interment, or Delia's seizures. "Cheer up, Deels. You know its only because I wouldn't…I wouldn't be able to help myself." She admitted shyly, trying to draw a smile out of the other woman, scared by her usually eternally cheerful love's misery.

Her lip tugged at the corner, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't be bringing you down right now."

"You don't have to treat me like I'm made of glass. It'll be fine, Deels." It had to be fine, otherwise she didn't know how she'd cope without the promise of being able to curl up next to the other woman with her fingers running through her hair.

"Well, if its not I'll be right here." The other woman reached for her hand as Patsy strode across the room to the mirror, stopping her in her tracks. She smiled warmly down at her, and let her gentle tug urge her onto the bed beside her. "I know you don't like to hear it, Pats, but you're the strongest person I know. It breaks my heart to think that while I was running along the beach and through fields without a care in the world you were there, you were-"

"It's alright, Deels." Sometimes she hated that her pain was Delia's pain, and her love seemed to mourn for her childhood just as much as Patsy did sometimes, perhaps because she knew what she had missed. "Let's go and get that tea, shall we?" For once Patsy wasn't overly worried as to what the nuns would think of her spending extra special amounts of time with Delia.