Part 4: Too Much Information

[Age: 17] During GC remote base clinic recovery following Hope's first relapse (and the Lightning glitch), shortly after Snow decrystallized.

"What is all this stuff?" Snow asked, carelessly tossing assorted items onto the end of Hope's clinic bed. The bottomless bag of junk in question belonged to Serah, but Snow had discovered it buried in her work cubby, covered with dust.

Hope watched him through the disinterested haze of medication. It was gradually wearing off, though, and the more items Snow hauled out of the mystery bag, the more Hope recognized them.

"Why are you dumping everything out?" he asked lazily, making a slow effort to sit up against his pillows. "If you'd just take one thing at a time…"

Snow laughed heartily at the suggestion. "That's crazy inefficient, little bro. I'd rather get right down to the deepest, darkest secrets of— Agh! What the hell is this?" He fanned one hand in front of his face, holding the open paper packet in question at arm's length. "Packs a punch, whatever it is!"

"Hey, let me see," Hope asked, and Snow swiveled his extended arm toward his nose. Hope took one breath and coughed harshly, his head fogging over anew at the familiar fragrance. Snow took the hint and pulled it out of range.

"Goddess," Hope choked once his throat recovered. "That stuff's more overwhelming than I remember. Guess it ripened with age."

Snow had closed the suspicious packet and tossed it next to the main pile, far enough away to diminish their discomfort. "You know what it is?"

"Yeah. Those are dried moonsoul flowers," Hope said, the rest of the details creeping up from their dark corner of unmentionables. Knowing Snow, it wouldn't stay down for long, and he reconsidered the point of even trying. "I… don't suppose you've heard of them."

"Not a chance," Snow laughed, lounging back in his seat. He crossed his arms behind his head. "Pulsian botany's on my list of things to learn or die. I've been lucky to memorize most o' the deadly poisonous species and a few handy edibles, but the rest are gonna take damn near half my lifetime. Mind saving me the trouble on this one? Some kind of perfume base, I'd guess."

Hope shook his head. He was suddenly very aware of and offended by the IV and sensors attached, and he cursed the heart monitor for marking the gradual acceleration of his pulse.

"It's for an herbal tea," he said. He could only blame persistent boredom for running his mouth through the rest. "It's widely marketed as a natural aphrodisiac, but Lucil said it's not really that—"

"Hold up," Snow cut in, his face suddenly leaned in to an uncomfortable degree. His piercing eyes darted to the heart monitor and back to Hope's reddening face. "You're tellin' me that my beloved fiancée is in possession of some mystical kinky tea?"

"Y-yes," Hope sputtered, unable to keep from laughing at Snow's ridiculous label for the product. Some seconds later, he recovered to add, "But she probably just brought it here to run lab tests on the chemical structure."

Or so he hoped.

Snow stroked his stubble, nodding thoughtfully.

"Makes sense, but I think she's tried it out, too," he said, mostly to himself. "There was this one day, not long after I woke up…"

The chilling fear over where Snow might take their conversation slid down Hope's spine like an ice cube.

"…I'd rather not hear the rest," Hope muttered. He received a rough rub to the head for his trouble before Snow nailed him with the most smug, eager smirk imaginable. The light bulb that had gone off behind his thick skull practically made him glow. Hope shielded his face with his thin fingers.

"Hey, now," Snow dragged out, so long that Hope could picture his eyebrows waggling. "I bet you wouldn't know the first thing about how to deal with a really turned-on, out-to-get-you woman." Snow prodded his shoulder when he refused to respond beyond an intense shudder. "C'mon, Hope. This is a safe environment. A prime opportunity to get some insider tips on uncharted territory."

Hope groaned and burrowed as far into the pillow as he could manage without physically dropping into a safer, Snow-free dimension. "You mean the island of Serah? I'd rather navigate around that, thanks."

"I mean the world of women!" Snow fired back in defense. "It's general knowledge."

Hope raised the sheet like a riot shield. "General knowledge that you got from my sister."

"Oh, right, guess I forgot that having female relatives is a totally valid excuse for writing off all intimate knowledge of the female population," Snow charged, laughing drily at his own ludicrous statement.

Hope snapped the sheet down in one swift motion. He no longer cared that his face was flaming and the monitor decided to loudly announce his spiking heart rate. "Fine. If you're going to insist on trying to enlighten me, you can at least keep it vague. I'm not your captive audience by choice."

"Whoa, take it down a notch," Snow said, pressing his hands on the air. "I'll keep it practical, no frills and no names. Deal?"

"I'll try to ignore the fact that you've only got one name in your trick deck."

Snow crossed his arms and staked him with an icy glare. "Don't say that like it's a bad thing."

"Only for my sanity," he grumbled.

"I can live with that. Your future wife'll thank me," Snow declared with his widest shit-eating grin thus far. If he had also requested a high five, Hope would not have blinked. "I know just the place to start. Here's a hint – I'm thinkin' two words."

"What, erogenous zones?" Hope said, the coat of sarcasm on his words so thick that Snow couldn't respond for a full three seconds.

The giant man's mouth tried and failed to form words before he busted up laughing.

"Getting a little ahead of yourself there," Snow said. He slapped Hope's leg through the sheet with a bit more force than necessary but calmed down enough to move on.

"I was gonna say 'kitchen foreplay.'"

Hope clenched the edge of his bedding to anchor himself. "Please, no weird kinks about food. It's hard enough to get used to eating again."

"It's not about food, naysayer," Snow corrected, his brow momentarily knit in aggravation before he took a calming breath. "That's just an expression. A lot of evening routines involve mundane tasks in the kitchen or other places – thus the name. It means if a lady is into you – or vice versa – the best and most common starter tactic is turning an ordinary activity playful. In a sexy way, not a kiddie way. Never does start in the bedroom."

Despite all attempts at resistance, Hope's curiosity was piqued. It sounded like Snow might actually have a clue about the topic. That, and he could recall one such instance of hilariously failed execution of the touted strategy.

"So… that laundry stunt last month? I can only assume you meant it to be sexy when you hid all her undergarments in the broom closet," Hope said. "I don't blame her for assuming you're just an idiot."

"Hey, what happened to keeping it vague?" Snow cut in, nearly pouting as he slumped in his chair. "Besides, that's a bad example."

"I'll say," Hope snorted. "I volunteered to sleep in the hangar so she could kick you out to the couch, genius."

Snow's grin returned in a slow, unsettling creep. "Yeah, good thing you weren't there when I went crawling back with her favorite panties in my teeth."

"Okay, okay, point made," Hope squeaked. He covered his ears and pulled his knees in to meet his forehead. The fragile hope that Snow might stick to practical, non-vomit-inducing information was beginning to shatter. It was a long minute or so before he dared unfurl from the position.

"Maybe I should ask you questions instead," he suggested warily.

Maker knows you won't just drop this nonsense.

Snow took that bone like a starved dog. "Sure, fire away!" he declared, pulling out his ratty notebook and a pencil that looked like a sad little stub in his huge fingers.

Hope eyed the materials suspiciously.

"I'd appreciate you not writing down my questions as evidence for future blackmail."

"I'm writing them to cover my own ass," Snow dismissed, "In case you ever try to claim that I scarred you for life by answering a question you asked me yourself."

He had a point. Hope rolled his eyes but stopped protesting the notebook. "You have such faith in me."

"Just get on with the questions."

"All right." Hope sat with his fingertips to his temple for a very long couple of minutes, contemplating both possible questions and the fact that he'd inadvertently made the exchange even more uncomfortable for himself.

Snow leaned both forearms heavily on his thighs. "Any day now."

"I-I guess…" Hope stumbled, trying to choose the least incriminating words. He toyed with the edge of the sheet in his hands. "I've heard it's a better idea to, you know, experiment with different things and people so you aren't such a klutz when it counts, but… most of our friends and family aren't doing that. Am I so dense that I missed the memo about their exploits, or is that advice just bogus in the first place?"

"Hm, not a bad question," Snow muttered. He scribbled the rest of Hope's inquiry and stopped, tapping the chewed eraser end of his pencil on the notebook. When he finally looked up, Hope was surprised at the serious set to his face in spite of the smirk.

"I'll say this. That advice is bogus if it doesn't sit right with you. It's also important to understand that there's a difference between relationships that didn't work out and exploits," he said, lingering on the last word. "One person's exploit is the other side of someone else's mistake. Every time. And yeah, you can gain experience from mistakes, but the regret isn't worth deliberately seeking opportunities to screw up."

Hope nodded slowly and let that sink in, but it left him with a problem. "So you basically have to choose between being a total novice or piling skeletons in your closet?"

"Hell no," Snow chuckled. "Life just happens. Some people end up with more of a learning curve and others end up with more skeletons, but that's not the point. When you're talking about relationships – romantic or otherwise – it's taking the good with the bad. Whatever that means for the people involved."

"Guess it's one more thing I'll have to learn on the job," Hope sighed.

He looked down at his frail self in the hospital gown. Even knowing that he would regain his health, however temporarily, he couldn't see any way to prepare himself for someone of interest. Someone like Lightning. Snow was right – the idea of experimenting with other people hit his gut wrong. He had originally assumed it was just fear of the unknown or persistent self-consciousness that kept him from even considering intimacy with someone else. That, or some deeply ingrained contradictory notion of personal dignity.

But no. It was her.

He was beginning to feel overwhelmed by his meager chances of any romantic relationships in his future. After all, he had no reason to expect that Lightning would want to be anything more than his friend once she came out of stasis, and the concept of somehow discarding his snowballing feelings for her seemed more impossible than reviving Cocoon.

At the same time, though, a seed of desperation to gather every possible bit of data from Snow took root in his mind and spread rapidly, spawning dozens of questions until he could hardly hold them back.

Snow cocked his head at him, clearly confused by Hope's shift from unfocused brood to intense green stare. Hope didn't quite realize he had looked up and locked on Snow like a target.

"You feeling okay, buddy?"

Hope gathered his courage and took a deep breath. "Can I just ask for advice on women?" he blurted, fumbling to explain himself while he twisted one of the gown's strings around his finger. "All-purpose advice, I mean. Like an intro lesson? Is that too broad for a question?"

"Well, ya just asked me three, all at once," Snow laughed, scratching his head. "Damn. You're lucky I can sum up the most important advice in two words. And it's not 'erogenous zones.'"

Snorting out a laugh, Hope slapped a palm to his forehead. "I'm not even gonna guess this time."

"Aw, but it's really simple," Snow led in, drawing out the tension with a long pause. "I'll give you three guesses, for kicks."

Hope groaned at the delay but fell back against his pillows to stare at the ceiling for inspiration. "Is it 'be creative'?"

"Nice try, but no."

"'Remain calm'?"

"Seriously?" Snow drawled. "Most of 'em aren't as scary as Lightning."

A little jolt went through Hope's chest – whether from that sudden mention of her or in fear of Snow stumbling upon his secret, he couldn't say.

He tried to cover his reaction with words. "I-I'm not so sure about that. Lucil and Lebreau are both pretty intimidating, and even Serah can be scary sometimes."

"Hey, people learn to be intimidating when they have to be," Snow said, shrugging it off. "Better make this last guess count."

Hope gathered all his wits for a final stab. "How about… 'honest communication'?"

Snow rolled with laughter, seconds later recovering to sputter, "Straight outta the textbook! I'd give you points for that one, if it mattered."

"I give up," Hope huffed, letting his arms flop to the sheets on either side. "Just spit it out."

With an air of mischief and mystery, Snow wrote several large letters on his notebook page, behind the cover of his hand. He flipped the notebook over on his lap, maintained his grip, and requested, "Drum roll, please."

Hope rolled his eyes, twisting around just enough to reach the metal bar on one side of his bed. He pattered his hands in a quick, clumsy rhythm until Snow raised the notebook like a sign.

"'Persistence'," Hope read aloud, "'and timing'?" He narrowed his eyes at the chicken-scratch words, not quite sure of how the latter could be applied. "You know it's technically three words, right?"

"Conjunctions don't count," Snow huffed. "I just wasn't about to give your mind three words of creative liberty."

Hope smiled sweetly. "Don't tempt me. I'll keep your super-special buzzwords in mind for the future, but I honestly need more clear-cut tips."

"You want clear-cut?" Snow slapped the notebook and pencil onto the bed beside Hope, laced his fingers, and cracked his knuckles. "Get ready to take some notes."

Snatching the implements, Hope sat up straight and prepared to play scribe. "Can I keep this, by the way?"

"I'll think about it. Just listen up."

And Snow proceeded to talk for twenty minutes straight.

His complete record of Snow-isms, Hope suspected, would have dragged far beyond the thirty-nine rules being covered had he not arbitrarily declared that number from the start. Hope's questions were beginning to pile on themselves, but he wasn't about to interrupt.

When Snow had finally finished, Hope shook out his cramping hand and reviewed the master list. Most of it sounded like common sense relationship pitfalls, like number seventeen: 'You can't cover up an adamantoise in the room' – as if he'd ever presume to hide a glaring issue from someone like Lightning. That struck Hope as both futile and dangerous.

Other things didn't make much sense at all.

"What did you mean by number twenty-one, 'Losers finish first?'" he asked after a moment of consideration, tapping the pencil against his cheek. "Like I should never win a competition? Seems kind of excessive and annoying…"

Snow rubbed at the back of his neck, laughing nervously. "Oh, uh, that one's… yeah. In the context of sexual activity, it's ladies first. Or if you're good enough, both parties together."

"You could've just said so," Hope deadpanned. "Is it really much of a challenge?"

"Decent sex? It is if you're impatient and selfish." Snow shrugged and gestured at nothing in particular. "That's what rule twenty-one is for. Just traces right back to my catch-all advice, anyway – persistence and timing."

Hope nodded absently, studying the list a second time. "I disagree with this other sex rule – number seven." He pointed to a line on the page and explained, "You said 'Stick to secure comfort spots.' But if timing is a must, you'd need to be flexible about location. What if you were both stuck in the middle of the wilderness? Would you insist on finding a padded shelter with a lock? No. You'd go for it."

"Hey, the spirit of that rule was maximizing comfort," Snow protested. He feigned an offended look over the challenged tip. "I think this is just the hormones talking. You've gotta admit you'd at least put down a blanket in some secluded area."

"Sure, if I had a blanket."

"And if you didn't?" Snow pressed.

"I'd figure out how she felt about grass? The floor? Standing up?" he tried, frowning as he puzzled out the options. "Is standing even advisable?"

"Er, it's doable," Snow muttered. "Without much height disparity, anyway." He stopped and raised a suspicious eyebrow. "You're digging pretty far into this."

Hope put the notebook down, a sly little smirk on his face. "Just one last question, I promise."

"Shoot."

"Do you really think the magical kinky tea works?"

"Well…" Snow began, his eyes darting to the closed curtain and back as if he expected an intrusion. "If she really did use the stuff on that day I'm thinkin' of, yeah. Maybe a little too well. We were shot the next morning."

Loathe to gather any further details, Hope retreated to his pillows and stretched, subtly dropping one hand past the edge of the bedframe to push the assistance call button. "I'll keep that in mind."

"You'd better," Snow threw out, chuckling to himself. "Gonna have to work up some stamina if you plan on using anything like that."

In less than half a minute, Serah's intern popped into the room and Snow clammed up. The short woman all but teleported to the monitors, squinted at the display, and gave Hope's multitude of sensors and connections a cursory inspection.

"Something bothering you, kiddo?" she asked as usual, and Hope shook his head.

"Sorry, I must've bumped the button."

Her eyes scanned the random items scattered over the bed. "What's all this about?" she asked, looking pointedly at Snow.

"Hey, I'll put it all up, I swear," he said in a rush, grabbing for the notebook first. He shoved it into an inside pocket of his trench coat.

The medic poked at the rest of the things and ultimately picked up the mysterious paper package. She took one whiff and froze.

Murder in her eyes, she glared Snow into the wall. "Seriously?" she huffed, turning on her heel with the suspect item still pinched between thumb and forefinger. "I'm confiscating this contraband. Just clean up your mess, Mister Villiers."

Once she had left the space, loudly yanking the curtain closed, he turned to Hope with wide, bewildered eyes.

"She knows about the mystical kinky tea?"

"Guess it's still popular," Hope said with a shrug. "And probably not endorsed by the military. But hey, Serah's intern thinks you're a pervy fiancé, now." He capped it off with a cheeky grin. "The truth is out."

Snow face-planted on the edge of the bed. "Man, she stole Serah's stash. How am I gonna replace it?"

Chuckling pitilessly, Hope patted the black bandanna. "Ask Lebreau. If you want it that bad."

"Yeah right," Snow groaned, his voice muffled in the bedding. "She'd never let me live this down."

"Then ask Lucil," Hope suggested. "She might know other suppliers."

Snow finally raised his head and looked at Hope like he'd lost his mind. "Maybe you missed the fact that Lucil despises me."

"Hey, she always bristles at nicknames," Hope defended, struggling to hold in his laughter. He couldn't help but recall Maqui's telling of the Vestige incident after Snow's return. "And I have it on good authority that she was just a tad tipsy when she chucked that glass at you."

An unsettling but joyous revelation passed over Snow's face. "I got it. Why don't you ask her for me?" he exclaimed, clamping both gigantic hands on Hope's shoulders. "C'mon, please? She adores you, and she'll be coming by to visit any time now. It's a no-brainer."

"I ought to protest on moral grounds," Hope sighed. "Give me one good reason why I should enable your quest to repopulate Pulse with my sister."

Snow grinned. "You'd get to be an uncle."

Hope hummed to himself as he entertained the thought. He remembered all the good times with Dajh growing up, and he had to admit that the spawn of Serah and Snow would likely be a happy, sweet-tempered thing. Or several happy, sweet-tempered things.

Still, he wasn't terribly confident in his ability to play the middle-man. "She might refuse to cooperate if you're involved, even coming from me," he argued, dropping his volume a notch. "She doesn't adore me, you know."

"Oh yes she does," Snow insisted.

"Why are you pestering me about this?" Hope asked, unsettled by the heat creeping up his neck. Some part of him disagreed with his own claim, and it was beginning to affect the heart monitor.

Snow cast a sideways glance at the screen. "Can't lie to the polygraph, eh?" He rubbed his hands together, smirk growing by the second. "This is gonna make things interesting."

"Shouldn't there be a rule against interrogation during recovery?" Hope huffed. He untied the front of his gown to reveal a few of the sensors. "I'm not hooked up to this stuff for your entertainment."

The familiar look of dejection passed over Snow's face. He brushed it off and reclined dangerously far back in his seat, rocking on just the two back legs. "A'right, I'll cut you a break. But I did just give you a gold mine of tips. Seems like you oughtta be able to find it in your heart to help me recover Serah's tea."

Hope hated himself for conceding to that logic, but it held water – and he had been the one to call the intern. He took a deep breath and crossed his arms. "Fine, I'll talk to Lucil about it. That's all."

"You could probably bribe her, y'know—"

"Don't push it."

Endnote: Apparently I saved the best for last. Beta-roomie had a field day!

When Snow starts to speculate over what's in the packet: Hahaha just avoid the conversation Hope ;P

At Snow's coined phrase for the dried flower blooms: Ok you're right, I do love Snow's part, if only for the sheer bluntness of calling it mystical kinky tea XD

When Snow explains that he could provide tips on uncharted territory: Ughhhh this is the worst one yet, WHY SNOW. WHY WOULD YOU THINK THIS. Poor Hope

At Hope's quip that he's only got one woman 'in his trick deck': "Oh yeah? How many women do you have on your list?" "My list? I've got my list right here. It's called my MARRIAGE LICENSE" [high five]

When Snow claims that Hope's future wife will thank him: I genuinely doubt it, Snow. Because I know his future wife. And she would just as soon punch you.

On the 'kitchen foreplay' comment: Oh, yeah, this is def starting out suuuuper vague GOOD JOB SNOW. -_-;

When Snow explains that he means in a sexy way, not a kiddie way: So no strip!Elmo's Playhouse games? That's not a thing?…bet we could still find it on the internet

After Snow mentions going back to Serah with the panties: Hope, in solidarity of all little siblings everywhere, let me chime in here to say: Ew.

When Snow explains that he's taking down the questions to cover his own ass: That is a weirdly cunning and adept bit of foresight, Snow.

After Snow remarks that not all women are like Lightning: Haha Snow totally has his number, what a dork

At the 'ladies first' explanation: Hahaha good advice Snow ;P

Over Hope's response that people would just go for it even in the wilderness: No. Ew, Hope. There are bugs and rocks and dirt and shit.

When Hope mentions the incident of Lucil throwing the glass at Snow: Also: please, Snow, like that was the first time someone's thrown a glass at you, let's be honest here