A/N: Another new fic! This fic will be Apriltello, but it will also be about family dynamics and friendship and just the basic stuff we all love about TMNT!

TW: This story is about depression, and features suicidal thoughts and actions as well as self-harm. Please do not read if you are triggered easily. If you are going through any of these things, feel free to PM me for someone to talk to or call a local hotline to get help. There is always a solution.

The sad stuff is more in the beginning, for this is the story of Donatello's recovery. I will be updating this and my other fic The Other Brothers, which will be alternated.

PAIRING: Donnie/April

WARNINGS: Language, Sexual Content, Attempted Suicide, Self-Harm

SETTING: Around season three maybe?

Donnie didn't know it was possible to feel this amount of empty, to have every feeling he's ever had drained from his body. It was as if someone had vacuumed every inch of his soul, leaving him a hollow shall that continued to breathe. As if the gigantic mind that always kept his head this close from exploding had completely vacated, a sensation that the boy had never even came close to feeling in his sixteen years of living.

The only thing reminding him that he was still alive was the warm streaks of liquid that streaked down his hallow cheeks, pouring out at a rapid rate at his stared silently at the white wall in front of him.

He had endured so much pain, so much torturous agony that every fiber of his extremely complicated soul was evaporating, blanketed in a darkness that he couldn't prevent from taking control.

When Donnie thought of the last few years, he couldn't say that everything was completely horrible – there had been some good things too. He had made more memories with his brothers and family, more games and playing and accomplishments. He had some fun with all of his friends, loving any moment that he was in the presence of her.

April. April O'Neil. The loveliest person that had every existed in this earth, the most beautiful woman that he could ever possibly imagine. His queen, his heart, the love of his life. Donnie would never regret knowing April, for it was one of the purest things he's ever known. He will always cherish the first time he lay eyes on her, all of the times they had hung out in the lair or in his lab or at her apartment, all of the times he had helped her with her school work or they binge watched paranormal television shows together. The first time she had kissed him, making him think that maybe all of his dark thoughts had the chance of turning around.

The time that they had made love, making him that just maybe, she could love him back.

It had been a month ago when April and Donnie had been intimate. For Donnie, it was the absolute best moment of his life. After spending every day feeling so worthless and unappreciated and like he was a disgusting freak who can never feel love, he finally felt something filling the empty hole in his heart. Her kisses and warmth and affection made him feel that maybe, he wasn't as bad as he thought he was. Maybe, he had a chance in this world, and things were going to get better.

Yet in the morning, after he had spent such a special night with the girl he was madly in love with, after he had given her his innocence and his trust and passion, she had ditched him before he had awoken, leaving only a small paper in her place.

"Oh God…I don't know what happened last night. The alcohol and my insecurities were getting the best of me, I guess. Let's not let this make things awkward between us, okay? -April xx"

And they had never brought it up again. Not to the others, not to each other. Just like it was completely erased from history. Frankly, a blow that brutal had made Donatello's messed up mind completely blast into a turmoil of despair.

Donnie stared blankly at the markings that showered his arms, each of them recalling a different memory. The lightest ones made his heart crunch in sadness, remembering when things had first begun.

A younger Donatello had ran into his lab and locked the door shut, no longer able to contain the sobs the racketed his body. He didn't care if crying was a sign of weakness, if he was weak then so be it. The boy slid down and held his knees close to his chin, big brown eyes wet with melancholy.

"You mutated my father! I never want to see any of your faces ever again!"

The harsh words rang through his mind repetitively, making him dizzy with the situation ringing over him over and over again.

His favorite person HATED him, never wanted anything to do with him ever again. Due to his idiocy, she her father was deformed and had lost his humanity and he had lost the only thing that seemed to keep him sane as of late.

It was true that Donnie had been feeling sadder lately, feeling more and more that his brothers would do better without him. That he would never feel happy with himself and every time he looked in the mirror he would always wince in disgust. That no matter how hard he tried, his life would never be satisfactory and he will never know what it is like to be happy.

A swarm of words intoxicated his mind, each of them a sharp blow against his chest. Thoughts of how his brothers never included him, how they all made fun of him constantly, how he didn't fit in with his family and that he will never belong. Thoughts of how he is the worst ninja on the team, how he is weak and responsible for all of their losses, how he is selfish and only cares about himself and his own wants. How he makes April miserable and how she will never return affections towards him, nor will any girl, considering he is a mutant freak.

More tears of self-loathing slipped past the teen's face as he got up and strolled to his desk, going through his kit of tools. On the internet, he had read something about what some people do when they're too sad, when they're lost or numb or don't know what else to do. At first, Donatello thought it was foolish and didn't make any sense, that those people must either be desperate for attention or closeted masochists or some other sort of an idiot.

Yet there he was, prepared to test it out on himself, to see if maybe it would work for him the same way it worked for them.

Donatello took a blade to his skin for the first time that night.

He couldn't help but chuckle ironically at the memory, seeing a graveyard of assorted scars from the horrible habit that had grown on him as his self-hatred had increasingly grown more severe. For as time passed, his family seemed more hostile towards him while they got closer to each other, he tried and tried and tried to succeed to use his skills to help the missions but only failed every time, after something that he had done would hurt everyone else. After he didn't understand if April loved him or not. After he decided that this world and this life would be perfect if he wasn't a part of it. He was the expendable, the spare piece keeping everything from fitting neatly. After a lifetime of selfish choices, he wasn't going to keep this from his loved ones as well.

So now here he is, staring at the bathroom wall, not caring or fearing about a single thing that exists in this world. For Donatello, everything was gone, all of his thoughts or feelings or hopes all replaced by an intense darkness and need to escape.

He didn't know how he would possibly be able to face his family before he did the deed so he was sure to have been extra nice to them earlier, when he would spend his last day with them. He made sure to teach Mikey how to perform a few experiments, kissing his little brother on the head and telling him how he deserved the entire world and more. He made sure to pummel Raph with hugs, even if Raph pushed him off in confusion. He had treated Leo and Sensei to neck massages and breakfast in bed, telling them how they work so hard and deserve a little time for themselves.

For Donnie, this was his way of saying goodbye to the family that he loved. He wasn't sure if they caught on that something was up, but at least he would always know that he didn't leave them without showing them appreciation. They would realize exactly what his intentions were once he was gone.

Yet there was one person left who he had not spoken to, who remained without any notice of Donnie or his feelings. Someone who Donnie had so many things to tell, so much things left that needed to be said.

So there he was, holding out the shard from his bo staff already towards his veins, calling April O'Neil on the phone.

"Hello? Donnie? Do you have any idea what time it is? Is everyone alright?"

Donnie had to pause for a moment, seeping her sweet voice into his mind.

"I love you, April."

April paused for a moment, wondering if Donnie was caught up in late night thinking or if something was actually up. However, the negative energy was burning her mind, telling her that something wasn't right and that she had to help.

"Donnie? Is everything okay? Where are you?" she started to grow anxious as the feeling in her mind grew bigger and bigger, causing a migraine to burn through her psyche.

"You're the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. I love you, and I wish that you had better than this, I wish you had everything that you deserve, which is way better than me. I know that things will get better for you, that soon you'll have someone you love who can love you right and soon everything will be okay," he began, trying to conceal the shudder in his voice.

"What are you talking about? Donnie, none of us have the easiest time but I am perfectly happy with what I have and I don't like you talking about yourself that way," she replies.

"I am going to make things better, April. Soon you won't have me to worry about and you won't have to pity me anymore, I won't get in the way of missions. You can be with Casey without having to feel like you're betraying me and you won't have to give me love to make me feel better about myself," Donnie says, the lack of feeling in his voice sending chills to the young girl's bones.

"Donnie?! Stop it. I don't pity you, I care about you! We all do and we need you, you're worth way more than you think you are. I promise to God you mean something to me, everything I have ever done for you came out of my heart, not my pity! I would never do that to you, Donatello!" April's voice is starting to crack now, her heart beat bouncing in her petite chest.

"I can't control it anymore, April. I'm not here anymore. I'm gone and I can't come back. I can't make decisions anymore and I am so sorry but I know you will all be okay," he says.

"No! Please, Donnie, stop. Please stop. You can turn this around!" she cries.

"I love you April. Never forget that, how much you mean to me. I'm sorry, for everything," he hangs up immediately, knowing if he says too much she will have time to call for help before he has the chance to finish the task.

The boy gulps his bravery as the sharp silver blade is beside his vein, waiting to slit open all of the life that was once inside, to free him from this eternal hell that his mind has captured him in.

"Only the strongest can handle the blessed curse of a humongous mind, one that has the ability to tear them apart," he says, tracing a small line of blood out of his skin. "That rules me out, right?"

It didn't surprise Donatello when the opening of his arms didn't cause him pain, but only led him to gaze in fascination at the river of crimson that flowed over his limbs and all over the floor. It was quite captivating to see his fluids pouring out, seeing the physical reality of all the life that had drained from him.

As the darkness began seeping in, he only crossed his arms over his chest, watching how quickly his chest became drenched in the bodily substance as well. Finally, he felt that he was doing something right.

He was going to make everyone feel better. He was going to make himself feel better, to stop the hurt that always poisoned the blood flowing through his veins.

He was going to make everything better.