A/N;

Pairing; Nalu, Fairy Tail

Genre and Rating; Canonverse, T

Lucy was falling back into old habits.

She knew it, she always knew it when it happened, but it's not like she could stop it. If she could, didn't they know she would? It had been four years since the war, their losses felt just as heavy as when they first happened.

Makarov.

Wakaba.

Laki.

Juvia.

Even Natsu had almost been added to that too long list. Lucy still had the scars on her palms and along the insides of her arms all the way up to the middle of her biceps from rewriting the book of END. Faint white lines traced where the demon magic had turned her skin black, thoughts of Lucy's life and magic vacant as she ignored the pain that burned her skin, willingly to do anything to stop from losing him. No physical pain would ever match the shattering of her heart if Natsu had been killed. She wrote him the option to choose humanity, a way to break free from the curse of being Zeref's creation or turning into a monster like Acnologia.

Lucy knew Natsu thought about that night too sometimes. Quiet and lost as he watched the fire, the night sky always a void of black behind him, as if the stars knew their light was not welcome then.

Lucy couldn't look at the stars anymore, anyway.

Not until she found Aquarius' key. Her mother's key.

"You need to eat Luce."

Lucy looked away from the window she had been watching the rain fall past, blinking in surprise at the voice. He used the door.

Natsu gave her a cautious smile, a bag from the guild, a little damp but otherwise still good. The smell of roasted meat came from it.

"Not hungry," Lucy shrugged. She looked back out the window, her joints in her fingers and wrists aching with the storm.

Today was the day her mother died. In a week, it would be the day her father died. The day after that would be the anniversary of the day Natsu had left her behind. Maybe if he had stayed away longer he would have been stronger. Maybe he was right, and all Lucy did was hold him back. Hold everyone back. They all left her, and everyone she knew couldn't be wrong.

Lucy startled, Natsu's hand warm and firm on her elbow. She let him lead her away, blinking at him numbly as he tucked her into a blanket before climbing onto her bed as well, holding the whole Lucy-blanket bundle.

"You're not meant to be alone," he said softly.

Lucy dug her nails into he palm, what were a few more scars. She didn't deserve the magic her hands held anyway. If she did she would have been stronger. People wouldn't leave her. "You don't know that."

"Yes, I do." Natsu sighed. "I hate when you get like this, because I never know what to say, or how to help. I can't punch it away. But I'm not going to let you work it out yourself anymore."

"I'm fine," Lucy said, sounding hollow even to herself.

"No, you're not."

Lucy didn't know what to say, so she remained silent. She didn't know how, but she felt herself relax into his chest. He was so warm, and solid. He was here.

"I get so angry," Lucy said softly. Natsu's grip squeezed her tighter, but he let her speak without comment. "I ball my fists so tight that I make myself bleed. I don't deserve the magic they can control, if I can't do anything with it to save them, what's the point. Aquarius' key was destroyed because I wasn't strong enough to find another way, to use my own magic, and now we don't even know if it's been reformed yet. If it ever will."

"I know, Luce. I can always smell the blood under your fingernails. And you don't eat, or sleep. You're tired, and somewhere else far away from us." Natsu held her tighter then, resting his forehead on the top of her head. "How can I help, Lucy. Please," he begged, "tell me what to do."

"Don't leave me," Lucy whispered. Her throat felt raw, and she knew she was shaking, but she couldn't bring herself to care. She pushed the blanket away from her arms, clinging to Natsu as she held him back. She buried her face in his scarf. She didn't know what else she needed, but here, in this moment as the rain swallowed all the hope Lucy felt she knew she needed Natsu beside her to keep the spark of life alive inside her.

"I never will. I told you Luce," Natsu said, soothing and low, his hand cupping the back of her head and holding her to him. "I'm going to be beside you for forever. Together. I swear to you, I'll never let you be alone again."

Lucy finally broke, sobbing into his scarf. She believed him, and the ache in her body finally began to ease, just the slightest.

A/N; I hope this helps nonny, I couldn't really see Lucy doing major self harm, but negelcting your needs for people and food and self care are also all forms of hurting yourself. Please remember that there will always be someone wanting to help, and who thinks you're worth it