You've Got Mail… From Mars
Summary: Basically a series of funny messages between Watney, the Hermes crew, and NASA. Obviously set in an AU in which Watney was struck with some other piece of debris instead of the communications dish. Also, I know that the Hermes crew would just talk to one another instead of emailing but this makes it funnier, I think. I classify this story as a shortie… meaning it will be anywhere between 1-4 chapters long and updated sporadically… or possibly never after this first chapter.
Chapter One:
From: Watney (Botanist/Engineer)
To: HERMES Crew (ALL)
CC: NASA (ALL)
Subject: SURPRISE!
Sol 7 (or Sol 19 if you didn't read the book)
06:53
YOU ABANDONED ME ON MARS YOU ASSHOLES!
Mark
From: Martinez (Pilot/Second in Command
To: NASA (ALL)
CC: Sanders, Kapoor
Subject: Houston We Have a Problem
Sol 7/19
06:55
So… Yea… Apparently Mark's still alive. Um… our bad. Uh… What now?
Rick
From: Lewis (Commander)
To: Watney (Botanist/Engineer)
CC: NASA (ALL)
Subject: Status Update
Sol 7/19
06:55
Watney, report. What is your status?
Melissa
To: Lewis (Commander)
From: Watney (Botanist/Engineer)
CC: NASA
Subject: RE: Status Update
Sol 7/19
06:56
I am alive and all alone on a deserted planet with no way to get home! Why did you leave me here? I thought you liked me!
Mark
From: Montrose (Media Relations)
To: Sanders, Kapoor
CC: HERMES Crew (ALL)
Subject: Are you fucking kidding me!
06:59
Are you fucking kidding me!
Annie
PS- Mark, cut the shit! The Press won't be able to tell you're being sarcastic through email!
From: Sanders (Director, NASA)
To: Montrose, Kapoor
CC: HERMES Crew (ALL)
Subject: Sol 6/18 Incident
07:00
Everyone, start watching your language. We're a public domain and this is an extraordinary event. We'll have to start publishing all emails related to this topic. It is not professional to have all these expletives on the evening news.
Mark, what happened? Why did the crew think you were dead?
Teddy
From: Watney (Botanist/Engineer)
To: Sanders (Director, NASA)
CC: HERMES Crew (ALL), NASA (ALL) Montrose, Kapoor
Subject: RE: Sol 6/18 Incident
Sol 7/19
07:05
Storm from hell, murderous rover equipment, along with being ABANDONED on a deserted planet and the whole thing is reduced to an 'incident'? Fuck you Teddy.
Mark
From: Watney (Botanist/Engineer)
To: Sanders (Director, NASA)
CC: HERMES Crew (ALL), NASA (ALL) Montrose, Kapoor
Subject: RE: Sol 6/18 Incident
Sol 7/19
07:06
Oh and as for watching my language, how's this Teddy.
8-))))-D - - - { . } { . }
Mark
From: Montrose (Media Relations)
To: Sanders, Kapoor
Subject: Watney's Last Message
07:08
Was that a penis ejaculating on a pair of breasts?
Annie
From Kapoor (Director, Mars Missions)
To: Montrose, Sanders
Subject: RE: Watney's Last Message
07:09
Yep.
Venkat
From: Montrose (Media Relations)
To: Sanders, Kapoor
Subject: RE: Watney's Last Message
07:10
Fuck.
Annie
From: Kapoor (Director, Mars Missions)
To: Montrose, Sanders
Subject: RE: Watney's Last Message
07:11
Yep.
Venkat
From: Beck (Medic)
To: Lewis, Martinez, Vogel, Johanssen
Subject: Watney Alive=US Assholes
Sol 7/19
07:15
So… we're definitely going to be considered assholes back on earth for this, right?
Chris
From: Vogel (Chemist)
To: Lewis, Martinez, Beck, Johanssen
Subject: RE: Watney Alive=US Assholes
Sol 7/19
07:17
Da. I don't zee any way to avoid zat conclusion.
Alex
From: Johanssen (SysOp)
To: Lewis, Martinez, Vogel, Beck
Subject: RE: Watney Alive=US Assholes
Sol 7/19
07:20
I could hack into NASA and delete the email logs. I can also hack into SATCOM and crash every satellite around Mars. Without proof, NASA might not release the fact that he is alive.
Beth
From: Martinez (Pilot/Second in Command)
To: Lewis, Vogel, Beck, Johanssen
Subject: RE: Watney Alive=US Assholes
Sol 7/19
07:22
A little extreme, Beth but it's a good back up plan. We'll keep it in reserve.
Rick
From: Lewis
To: Martinez, Vogel, Beck, Johanssen
Subject: RE: Watney Alive=US Assholes
Sol 7/19
07:24
Let's try a plan that does not get Beth thrown in Gitmo and costs the tax payers tens of millions of dollars. Besides, Watney's first message was sent to all of NASA. Eleven thousand people can't keep a secret this big.
Melissa
From: Henderson (HERMES Flight Director)
To: Sanders, Kapoor, Montrose
Subject: Watney Alive
07:59
What the fuck is wrong with you two? Why the hell didn't you wake me up! Get me up to speed, now damn it!
Mitch
From: Kapoor (Director, Mars Missions)
To: Henderson, Sanders, Montrose
Subject: RE: Watney Alive
08:02
Sorry Mitch. As you can understand, things have been crazy. The important thing is, Watney is alive.
Venkat
From: Henderson (HERMES Flight Director)
To: Sanders, Kapoor, Montrose
Subject: RE: Watney Alive
08:04
No fucking shit Watney is alive. That's why the subject line reads "Watney Alive". How the fuck is he alive and how did we not realize it until now?
Mitch
From: Sanders (Director, NASA)
To: Henderson, Kapoor, Montrose
Subject: RE: Watney Alive
Attached: FWD: SURPRISE!, FWD: RE: Status Update, FWD: RE: Sol 6/18 Incident
08:10
Mitch, review the attached messages to get up to speed. Also, get to JSC immediately.
Teddy
PS- Watch your language from now on.
From: Henderson (HERMES Flight Director)
To: Sanders, Kapoor, Montrose
Subject: RE: Watney's Last Message
08:15
BAWAHAHAHA!
Mitch
From: Watney (Lonely Martian)
To: HERMES Crew (ALL)
CC: NASA (ALL)
Subject: Are you receiving me?
Sol 7/19
08:30
Uh… how come nobody has talked to me for the last hour and a half? I'm all alone on a deserted planet with a ten inch metal rod sticking out of my abdomen. Don't you want to hear about me harrowing tale of survival? It's going to make an epic movie!
Mark