When Emma woke the next morning she didn't really feel better. The bright day light was hurting her eyes as she cracked them open, only to close them again. The darkness had left, but the light was still not fully excepting her. It sounded strange, but it was true. She may be freed from the darkness, but it was still pulling at her while the light was still fighting against her. The most horrible thing was, was that she didn't know what she wanted. Does she want to go back to the darkness? The loneliness? The coldness? Or does she want to fight against it and try to do the right thing?

All these thoughts gave her a painful headache, and no matter how hard she tried she couldn't ignore them and fall asleep again. So instead, she wrung herself out of Killian's arms, who was still asleep, and made her way to her desk. Maybe she could distract herself with some reading.

Before she grabbed a book she glanced back at Killian, a small smile forming on her lips. It was sweet what he did last night, trying to calm her down, trying to convince her that he cared and that he forgave her.

It was sweet, but a lie.

She was a monster for so long, she didn't deserve forgiveness, especially not from him. Last night the darkness was playing with her head, her heart, her soul. His words were just what she needed to calm down, if he meant them or not didn't matter. But now that the sun is up again and the darkness had given her a break she could think clearly. Or, as clearly as an empty shell could.

Emma grabbed her favourite book, opening it on a random page and started reading. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't concentrate. The headache only seemed to get worse as the time went by. The words danced before her eyes as the light of day burned her. She closed the book again, closing her eyes as she let her head rest on her arms.

Everything that had happened was just too much.

She could still hear the screams echoing in her mind, see the blood drip form her fingernails, feel the pain under the palm of her hand. How could she ever have enjoyed this? The memories were so vivid, as if she was reliving the moment. It was horrible, everything she'd done, horrible.

Emma was snapped out of her memories when two hands came to rest on her shoulders. They were warm, gently, comforting. They were the hands of the person she needed to hold her, but also the hands of the one she had hurt so much. She just couldn't understand why he didn't end her right here and now. She was weak, unable to defend herself. And if she was completely honest, she wanted him to end her. It was the only thing she deserved. So before her mind caught up, her mouth voiced her thoughts.

"Kill me or leave," she said, her voice cold and empty. What else should be found in there? She was hollow, a shell. It was simple a reflection of how she was left in this world.

"I won't do either," Killian said softly, his thumbs rubbing small circled on her shoulders. "I know what you're feeling, and if you let me I can he-"

Emma slammed her hand on the table, standing abruptly. "You don't know what I'm feeling."

Killian stepped back as she turned, but her held his head high, his expression worried and gentle. "You feel alone-"

"I've felt alone for many years, all my life in fact. What I feel now isn't loneliness. I feel hollow, as if I'm nothing. Nothing but the screams and terrors I've created. So do you know? Do you know what it feels like to lose the thing that had been consuming you for as long as you can remember? Do you know what it feels like to hear and feel the agony of every person you've touched in your bones? Do you know what it's like to finally be free of a curse, but to be left so empty that you just don't know who you are anymore? Do you know? Because if you do, tell me; does the pain ever stop? Is there any hope for me left?"

Killian carefully dared a step forward. "There is always hope-"

"But what if it's the hope of me finally seeing my end? What if the hope that is left is the one that finally got me locked away or destroyed? No one will look at me as something more than a monster. All they see is a Cold Hearted Princess who becomes their Dark Souled Queen. No one will follow me out of their own will, only out of fear."

"Emma-"

"Don't call me that!" Emma was breathing heavily now, the anger spreading through her veins, because that was all she knew. It was the only thing familiar to her. "I'm not Emma, I'm not Princess, I'm nothing but a monster!"

Killian suddenly stepped forward, grabbing both her hands and looked her right in the eye. "You are not a monster. You are a creature send from the heavens but received by hell. Everything that happened to you wasn't something you could fight. But now you have a chance to start over, a chance to become who you really are. Don't throw away that chance just because it looks impossible in the beginning. Let go of the ugly duckling you've been hiding behind for so many years and show the world the swan you really are." Killian brought his hand up to cup her cheeks, pressing a kiss to her forehead. "I won't call you Emma nor Princess, I shall call you White Swan, as a reminder to who you really are, to who you are fighting to be."

Emma closed her eyes, letting the words swim through her head as her breathing calmed. The only thing she could see right now where Killian bright blue eyes, the only things she could hear were his words echoing through the room, the only thing she could feel were his hands gently caressing her skin.

"Let's start over my White Swan, let's leave this place and start over."

"I- I can't." Emma's eyes were starting to fill with tears, her headache throbbing in the back of her head. "The kingdom, I can't leave it."

"Your parents-"

"I don't know who they are." Emma looked down, trying to blink away the tears as she took a deep breath, looking back up at Killian. "But I want to find them."

Killian nodded, smiling slightly. "Then we'll find them."

That day they spend preparing to leave. They kept the death of the queen a secret so no commotion would be made over the new ruler. Emma wasn't ready to rule now that she knew the truth about herself. She still felt empty, but she pushed that away as much as she could for now, and tried to focus on finding her real parents. She didn't know what she could tell them, what she could say to them to not fear her, to believe her. She didn't even know why she wanted to find them, probably just to keep her mind off of everything else. What use was it to find them? Was it just so she could hand the throne to them? So she was released of that burden for at least a few more years?

She didn't know. All she knew was that she had her pirate at her side for now, and that was enough to not kill herself. He was caring, gentle. He was what she needed, but just like everything that is needed; once you don't need it anymore, it will be thrown away or leave in its own.

She didn't want Killian to leave, but she knew he would at some point. Maybe this adventure to find her parents was to get at least some new people she could rely on when Killian left. Because that was all that she was good for now; relying on people. She was a real pain in the ass, she knew she was. Killian would probably leave one night when she was asleep, and if she was lucky he would kill her as well.

But for now she pushed those thoughts away, and tried to focus on finding her parents. Late that afternoon Emma and Killian were finally ready to leave the castle. Emma made her way to the stables where the stable boy had two horses ready to go. The stable boy was still young, about 15 years old. When Emma entered the boy immediately froze, straightening himself and making a bow.

"Your Highness, the horses are ready," the boy said, his voice wavering just a bit. Emma smiled at the boy. She never took the time to get to know this boy, to even learn his name.

"Thank you," she said, her voice soft. The boy looked up, surprise written over his face because of her soft tone. "What's your name, stable boy?"

"Henry, Your Highness," he said, relaxing a bit more.

"You are free for the day, Henry. Thank you for your hard work."

"It was my pleasure, Your Highness," Henry said and made a bow. She smiled as she watched the boy ran out of the stables.

"Ready to go, love?" Killian said as he entered the stables. Emma turned to him, the smile still on her lips.

"Yeah, I am."

Killian returned her smile, nodding as he took the reins of the horses and led them outside. He handed one of the horses to her. With a bit of hesitation she took the reins, and to her surprise the horse didn't neigh in fear or tried to run away from her. She laughed a bit as she stroked the soft nose of the creature. She'd never gone riding because the horses were always scared of her, of the darkness inside her. She had tried many times, but never did any of the horses want to get close enough to her so that she could ride them.

"Do you need some help?" Killian asked, snapping her out of her thoughts. Her cheeks warmed up a bit, she'd never needed help with anything before.

"I'm fine," she said, stepping toward the saddle. She looked at the leather as if it was some sort of puzzle. It shouldn't be that difficult. She put her left foot in one of the stirrups, placing both hand on either side of the saddle, and tried to pull herself up. She lost her balance at first, falling back and hitting the ground with her right foot. So she tried again, gripping the saddle tighter as she jumped a bit to get herself up. Halfway she felt two familiar hand grip her waist and push her up so that she was able to swing her leg over the horses back and sit down in the saddle.

Emma looked down as soon as she sat steadily, seeing Killian look up at her. "Have you ever been riding before?"

Emma shook her head, looking away from him and focussed on the horse she was sitting on. She softly stroked the soft fur of the animal. "They've always been scared of me."

"Just make sure you don't fall off, I'll lead." Killian walked back to his horse, mounting his horse almost elegantly if that was possible. He lead his horse closer to hers. Emma studied the way he held the reins and the way he moved his body as he led the horse forward. "Softly kick the horse with your calf and it should start to walk. To steer you simple pull at the rein in the direction you want to go. It's as simple as that."

Emma nodded, biting her lip as she tried to imitate the way Killian was holding the reins. She softly kicked the horse, just like Killian instructed her to do, and laughed when it started to walk. With a bright smile she tried to steer the horse. It was a bit clumsy and she still hadn't found her balance, but she was doing it never the less.

"I can ride," she said, smiling proudly at Killian.

"Very good," Killian said, smiling at her as he looked at her with adoration in his eyes. "Now turn and follow me."

She bit her lip as she did what he said. Emma came to ride beside Killian, and together they rode out of the palace gates into the woods ahead. Emma looked at Killian as they rode in silence, her smile turning softer. He was so sweet, even after all that she had done to him. But she wasn't naïve enough to believe that he actually cared. She had used him for her entertainment, it was only fair if he did the same to her.

He'll stab her right in the back, just you wait.

A/N: Sorry that it took so long to update! I've been really busy with my other stories. Thank you to everyone who reviewed and followed and all that jazz, thank you so much! Hope you all liked this chapter, and if you did please let me know!

Make sure to check out my story 'Cursed Them All' and of course all my other stories too!