Tonight: the Big Science-Without-Fiction Show!
Here is… are your hosts:
he… they have left the world of podracing to become … your host!
Fodesinbeed Annodue!
Ithorian audience member: "Who?"
Rodian audience member: "That two-headed guy from the podrace."
Ithorian: "Oh."
(Music: Mad About Me by The Modal Nodes)
Fode: "Helloooo Coruscant! It's me, Fode!"
Beed: "Bo shouda Coruscant, katala yassa, Beed!"
Fode: "Yeah, that's right buddy, what you said. Indeed, viewers, I have brought my second head, Beed, with me too! He's here for our dear Huttese audience members: Jabba, Gardulla, Ziro, and little Rotta The Hutt!"
Meanwhile, Jabba eats a frog, Gardulla sleeps, Ziro can speak English for some reason and Rotta vomits.
F (Fode): "Tonight is a very special show: we have two Jedi Masters in our studio!"
Audience (reading from autocue): "Ooooooh!"
F: "At this table, they will debate on The Force!"
Audience (reading from autocue): "Ooooooh!"
F: "On the left side, we have the Jedi Master who was trained by Darth Tyran… I mean, Count Dooku himself, he's back from the dead: Gui-Gooon… Jinnnnnn!"
Audience (reading from autocue): "Applause!"
(Music: Lapti Nek by The Max Rebo Band)
F: "Yes, yes, do sit down, Master Jinn. Tell us, how is business going at the Jedi Temple? Some people say the Jedi lost hope to find the separatist leader, Count D… I mean, Darth Tyranus?"
Qui-Gon Jinn: "There is always hope, my friend, though it often comes in forms not looked for. The key is knowing how to see it and seizing that opportunity."
F: "Yeah, right. Okaaay… uhmmm… Next is Qui-Gon's own Padawan: he is now a Master, old and wise, thus making this story an anachronism: Obi-Waaaaan… Kenobiiiii!"
(Music: Jedi Rocks by The CGI-Band)
Obi-Wan Kenobi: "Oh, come on, why did I get the Special-Edition music?"
F: "Yes, please sit down. Well, how does it feel to meet your old master again after all these years?"
O: "Always two, there are: a Master and an Apprentice. When I left you, I was but the learner, now I am the master."
Q: "Oh, come on, my Padawan, those aren't even your lines."
O: "Why you stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf-herder!"
F: "Whoa, whoa, the debate hasn't even started yet and it's already getting hot! But tell me, Master Kenobi, what is the Force exactly?"
O: "Oh, the Force can have a strong influence on the weak-minded."
F: "Okay, but what ís it?"
O: "The Force is what gives a Jedi his power. It's an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us, and penetrates us, it binds the galaxy together."
F: "But how is it then that not everyone has it? Master Jinn."
Q: "Well, it's very simple: the Force are actually microscopic life-forms in your blood."
F: "Microscopic life-forms?"
Q: "Yes indeed. They're called midi-chlorians."
Ithorian audience member: "Midi-what? Midi-Rodians?"
Rodian audience member: "No, he said mid-Ithorians."
Q: "Not everyone has them, so not everyone has the Force!"
Audience (not reading from autocue this time): "Gaaaaaaaasp!"
O: "I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of fans suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced…"
Q: "Oh come on, Obi-Wan, in the first movie you said it yourself!"
O: "My powers have doubled since the last time we've met, Qui-Gon!"
Q: "Good: twice the pride, double the fall! And would you stop quoting other people already!"
F: "Gentlemen, gentlemen, please keep the fighting for when the Sith attack! Hahaha!"
Audience (reading from autocue): "Laughter!"
F: "Now, let's get back to the subject: is the Force a life-form or an energy field?"
Q: "Well, there's more you see: the Force can make people pregnant too!"
Audience (also not reading from autocue this time): "Gaaaaaaaasp!"
Ithorian: "So do these midi-Rodians look like tadpoles, then? Mwo ho ho ho!"
Rodian: "Is it just me, or are we based on Statler and Waldorf?"
F: "Well, that's new. It can make people get pregnant?"
Q: "Yes, and I have an example of a Force-baby: Anakin Skywalker!"
Audience (again): "Gaaaaaasp!"
Anakin: "No, that's not true! That's impossible!"
Q: "Search your feelings, and you'll know it to be true!"
Anakin: "Noooooo, noooooo!"
Q: "There's nothing you could have done, Anakin, had you been there. You would've been pregnant, too, and…"
O: "Hey, you're quoting me now!"
F: "Anyway, impregnating or not, is it a life-form? Anakin, you are a very Force-sensitive boy, aren't you?"
A: "Yes, I'm the most powerful Jedi in the galaxy!"
Yoda: "Yeah, wish, you do…"
A: "You underestimate my power!"
F: "Yeah, whatever. Give us some blood, please?"
A: "Why?"
F: "Well I can't FORCE you, of course…"
Audience: "Hahahah-"
Jabba: "HOOHOOHOOHOO!"
Audience: (silence)
(some more silence)
A: "From my point of view, the Force is evil!"
F: "Just give us some blood, would you?"
A: "Alright, let me just take my lightsaber to make a small-OH MY ARM!"
F: "Oh, uhmmm… 2-1B! Come here! Yes… you'll be fine…"
Jabba, Gradulla, Ziro and Rotta: "HOOHOOHOOHOO!"
F: "Well, now we have some blood, at least. Let's analyze it, with SCIENCE!"
O: "You'll never find life-forms like midi-chlorians there!"
Q: "I find your lack of faith disturbing."
F: "Oh, here's the result of the lab. We can see it here on the big screen."
Q: "Hah! I knew it!"
O: "Hold your fire, there are no life-forms aboard."
F: "Well, actually Obi-Wan is right! There is no sign of any microscopic thingies."
O: "So what I told you was true, from a certain point of view."
F: "Well, not necessarily, we haven't proved the energy field theory yet. My friends from the lab will come here in a minute to check if there's an energy field here."
O: "Oh, I'm afraid, young Fode, that the energy field will be quite operational when your friends arrive…"
Q: "Why are you saying that?"
O: "Are you threatening me, master Jedi?"
Q: "Uhm, no, I was just asking…"
O: "It's treason, then!"
Q: "Alright, you're not making any sense anymore."
F: "I think it's best if we take a break while we wait for the lab-nerds to arrive and master Kenobi to make sense again. A little speech from our dear Supreme Chancellor Palpatine!"
Palpatine: "When Tatooine sends its people, they're not sending their best. They're bringing drugs. They're bringing crime. They deal Deathsticks. And some, I assume, are good peo-"
Jabba: "Oothang gekoh! Aaaaah!" (pushes button)
Palpatine: "AAAaaaahhh…" (falls into pit)
Rancor: "RRROOOOOOAAAAAAARRRRR!"
Electric sparks everywhere and evil laughter
Rancor: "Uuuuuugh…"
Ploffffff…
F: "Uh, I think it's best if we get back to the debate again… Ah, the lab guys are there."
Jar Jar Binks: "Oooooh, hellosa Obi! Yousa gotten so ooooold! And Kwai-Gon! Yousa living!"
Q: "Please tell me I'm still dead."
F: "JJ, we were wondering if there was an energy field here?"
JJ: "Oh, yes, ennergi field! Like the one wesa used on Naboo to stop the droidies! Okeyday, mesa checking… Mesa plug the wire…"
KKKKKKZZZZZZZZZZZ!
JJ: "Oh yousa saved me!"
O: "No, I didn't!"
Q: "You didn't get yourself killed! Are you brainless?"
JJ: "I found the ennergi field!"
Q: "The ability to find an energy field does not make you intelligent."
F: "So there's an energy field?"
O: "Hah, I was right!"
Q: "Well, let's not forget that it was found by Jar Jar."
JJ: "Is yousa telling that mesa not to be trusted?" (evilly leans over to Qui-Gon with evil eyes, looking quite threatening but not really dangerous)
Palpatine (climbing out of the pit): "Ugh, oh… Oh, greetings, Master!"
JJ: "Yousa shut up! Mesa not knowing you."
O: "Well, didn't you give him emergency powers?"
JJ: "Oooooh, yes, uhm… mesa forgotten, heh heh…"
C-3PO: "I beg your pardon, is it here that I have to be for the energy field test?"
F: "Well, actually the scientist already arrived."
JJ: "Yeah, mesa real scientist…"
3PO: "I find that Jar Jar creature to be a little… odd."
F: "But why are there 2 scientists?"
JJ: "Hesa fake! Mesa real!"
3PO: "I beg your pardon, senator Jar Jar, but that just wouldn't be proper. It's against my programming to impersonate a scientist. And, master Kenobi, I don't detect any energy field."
Yoda: "Geez, is this going to keep on all night? Better things to do, I have! Accept, you must, that the Force explained… not can be?"
Q: "No, I won't accept this!"
Y: "That is why you fail."
Ithorian: "You know, I also have better things to do. Wanna hit the Cantina?"
Rodian: "That's the idea! I've been looking forward to this for a long time."
Ithorian: "Yeah, I bet you have."
Fode: "So, let's put it this way: the Force is magic! While Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon get pulled apart from each other, Anakin gets a brand new arm, Jar Jar disassembles C-3PO, Jabba eats another frog, wondering what happened to his Rancor in the fight from which Chancellor Palpatine still has to recover and everyone else has already left a long, long time ago, I have only one thing left to say: This was Fode…"
Beed: "Ouut Beed! Guta poyula!"
Fode: "Goodnight!"
(Music: Yub Nub by The Ewok Band)
Author's note: Yeah, just some randomness. The idea just popped into my head and as I was writing the story got really weird. Well, I guess you get to choose which theory you believe!