a/n: I've never been a fan of Juliette, she was actually the reason i stopped watching this show way back in season 2. Only when i learned about Nick and Adalind having a baby did i binge watch to catch up. I have no idea where this came from but it apparently just had to be written.

Coming back to Portland was a terrible idea. If you looked up the definition of bad idea in the dictionary she was sure there would be the descriptor "Juliette returning to Portland". But just because it was a terrible idea didn't mean it didn't need to happen. There were pieces of her past she needed to face and she'd only be able to truly move on when she acknowledged all that she'd done.

She could only truly let herself be the old Juliette when she had atoned for the sins that had driven her from her home in the first place.

And there were a lot of them. A lot of people she had hurt with her anger and her mistakes. There were people she owed so much to that she knew apologies would never be enough. But the life she wanted back was in Portland, the person she had once been, the good, kind person she wanted to be again, was in Portland and so she had to go back.

Juliette had to go back to reclaim the woman she used to be, not for all the people she hurt, because she knew that would probably hurt them more, but for herself. She needed to surround herself with familiar places with familiar faces just so she could finally feel like she had truly reclaimed the person she once was.

She wouldn't start with them because that was a step she wasn't ready for. No, she would start easier, start with the friends she'd had long before Nick entered her life, she'd start with the people who knew the old Juliette best because they knew the woman she wanted to be again.

They didn't know what she'd become.

A Place to Start

It was no good returning to Portland without actually committing to it. And, well, dropping in on her realtor friend was kind of the definition of killing two birds with one stone.

While they searched for an apartment that would suit her needs they talked. A lot. When she'd left Portland all those years ago she hadn't told anyone she was going, hadn't really told her friends much of anything that had been going on even before she up and left.

Over coffee and lunch and wandering through apartments, the story they knew came out and she tried to fill the holes as best she could without having to tell them the truth. She never wanted her friends to know how bad things had really gotten. She never wanted her friend to know the kind of darkness that lurked inside her.

Because she was never going to embrace that darkness again. She never wanted to be the kind of person who was so consumed by jealousy and rage that she would help kill the mother of the man she loved.

Instead she spun a tale about Nick's work coming between them, about his life getting more and more involved in his cases and how through those cases he'd made new friends and met new people that she couldn't relate to but that she knew were good for him.

She talked a lot even after she found an apartment she thought was perfect. It was small with just one bedroom and one bathroom but it had a balcony that looked over the city and an open plan living room and kitchen area that she could see perfectly in her imagination all decorated just as she wanted. The apartment had a small office that would work perfectly for her while she looked for a job and struggled to put her life back together.

Purchasing the furniture and other items necessary to fill her new apartment turned out to be a kind of therapy of its own.

Connecting with just one friend was a start but it was only the first step in what she knew was going to be a really long journey back to who she wanted to be. But as she stood looking around the empty apartment with only the very few items she'd brought back with her she knew she was on the right path.

Working Toward Ones True Self

Getting a job turned out to be easier than she expected. She may have burned a lot of bridges when she left but she still knew people and so just two weeks after returning to Portland she found herself working in a small clinic that had once been family run but was now looking to expand as it grew busier and busier.

The only word she could think of to describe the atmosphere of the clinic was healthy. It was in a nice neighbourhood, a little out of the way, but the people who brought their pets to her were friendly and they made her feel welcome. They didn't know her from before so they didn't judge her for the things she'd done. All they knew was that when they brought their sick and injured pets to her she healed them when she could and offered them comfort when she couldn't.

She made new friends.

One of the men who brought in a dog gave her a flyer for a neighbourhood cookout his wife was hosting when she happened to mention she had only just moved back to town and didn't really know anyone anymore.

Andrew O'Laughlin and his wife Annie welcomed her into their lives readily and soon she found herself being adopted into their circle of friends, many of whom brought her patients to the clinic. Slowly, these friends and these new relationships she'd formed began to heal her and two months after she'd returned to Portland she started to feel – for the first time – like her old self.

It was probably karma having her say because just as she was beginning to have hope that things could be normal she ran into someone she'd once known at a dinner party.

Sergeant Wu was a friend of a friend but the peaceful setting of a dinner party didn't change that his first reaction upon being introduced to her was to reach for a gun that wasn't there.

No one else noticed the aborted motion or the sudden tensing of his shoulders but she'd lived with a cop for long enough to recognise the sudden jump to wary suspicion. It wasn't how she wanted them to learn she was back in town but she knew she couldn't expect Wu to keep her return a secret. He was loyal to his friends, loyal in a way she hadn't been.

'What are you doing here?' he demanded of her the moment they found themselves alone in the kitchen.

She kept her hands down by her sides and in plain sight trying to show him she was no threat. 'I'm trying to get my life back.'

She talked to him, tried to explain what had happened to her, how she was trying to take back the woman she was but she knew she could never ask him to lie to his friends. She would never expect him to.

That didn't mean she couldn't get him to let her do it on her own terms.

He gave her 24 hours.

Return of the Lost

Terrified didn't even begin to describe how she felt. Anyone walking passed her car could have probably figured it out. It was in the way her hands clenched around the steering wheel and her eyes kept darting to the door of the Spice Shop and then skittering away again.

Was she sweating? Her hands were actually shaking when she finally released the steering wheel and reached to push open the door. Stepping out of her car was the hardest step, that's what she told her self. Any step she took after that was just another in the right direction. It put her (literally) one step closer to reclaiming the version of herself she wanted most to be.

Before she knew it, her feet had carried her to the door and she was pushing it open. The little bell over the door tinkled, announcing her presence and she froze. Unable to take another step forward but unwilling to step backward, this place was so full of memories, both good and bad, that she felt like taking the next step was more than just a physical movement.

'Can I help…' Juliette looked up at the sound of such a familiar voice and flinched at the look of fear on Rosalee's face. '…you.'

Rosalee started to back away, one hand outstretched as though to keep Juliette from coming any closer and the other reaching desperately for the phone on the counter behind her.

'Hi,' Juliette said, aware the moment the word slipped out just how inadequate it was.

'Hi?' Rosalee repeated incredulously and some of her fear transformed into anger. 'Hi? That's all you have to say?' she demanded.

'I'm sorry,' Juliette whispered. 'I'm so sorry. I didn't come here to hurt you, that wasn't my intention.' She started to back out of the door, 'I knew this was a bad idea.'

She turned away and was almost completely out of the door before she caught Rosalee's almost silent, 'Wait.'

Juliette turned, suddenly hopeful. She new they would never be friends again, how could they after she'd almost forced Nick to shoot Monroe? That didn't mean she didn't hope they could at least talk, at least try to alleviate some of her guilt. As self-serving as that sounded.

'Why are you here?' Rosalee asked her, voice still a whisper. 'Why did you come back?'

Juliette stepped back inside the shop and let the door close behind her. Telling Rosalee wouldn't be easy but it would be so much easier than confronting Nick. Rosalee had always been able to listen without judgement before and she didn't like to think that something she had done had changed her old friend in such a drastic way.

Her willingness to listen suggested that maybe she hadn't broken something so intrinsic about her friend. Juliette was so grateful for that, for Rosalee's kind nature.

'I found another way to supress it,' she whispered in response, keeping her voice low and quiet just like Rosalee's.

This seemed to take Rosalee by surprise and she couldn't exactly hold it against her, especially given how violently she'd reacted when her own friends had tried to help her do the same thing.

'Why?' The question was not unreasonable.

'I didn't like the person looking back at me in the mirror.' That was truer than she could really express. 'I did a lot of bad things to a lot of people I cared about until I couldn't bare to look at myself anymore.'

She watched Rosalee's expression shift from wariness to reluctant understanding. Just because she understood what Juliette was saying didn't mean she forgave her, just that she could see how Juliette might finally have made her own choices. It was still a reluctant understanding, though.

'I had to make that step for myself,' she admitted. 'I didn't, no couldn't, own up to what I had done, not then.'

'But now you can?' Rosalee asked, her voice finally rising to a normal pitch.

'I'm trying.' Juliette didn't want to beg, she didn't want to plead, she just wanted Rosalee to see that she was trying. That she really had made the changes necessary to reclaim the person her friends had once loved.

'I don't know if that will be enough.'

'I didn't think it would,' Juliette acknowledged. 'But this isn't just for you, I need to make amends somehow. I need to at least try.'

'I understand that.' Rosalee paused and heavy silence fell over them. 'Does Nick know you're back?'

'You were my first stop.'

Rosalee nodded and Juliette got the feeling she understood why the Spice Shop had been her first stop. Juliette was glad she didn't have to explain, it wasn't just that she'd thought Rosalee might be the more willing of her old friends to listen, it was that the shop was a public place and wouldn't be seen as an invasion of their homes and safe places.

'I,' Rosalee hesitated, 'I can't make him talk to you.'

'I know,' Juliette replied. 'I don't,' the sound of the door opening cut her off and she whipped around, startled by the sound of the bell.

She relaxed when a young girl stepped inside, spring in her step and long blonde hair bouncing. She had her head down, fingers moving rapidly over the screen of an iPhone. Behind her, Juliette heard Rosalee gasp and the girl looked up at the sound and froze. Her blues eyes darted back and forth between Rosalee and Juliette before they widened and she opened her mouth and screamed.

'Dad!'

Love can be a Slap to the Face

Juliette stumbled back with a wince, though the scream was really more of a shout it carried that special high pitch teenage girls excel at. While the shout made Juliette stumble back in surprise it urged Rosalee to take a step forward.

The door of the shop wrenched open before Rosalee could take much more than a step and Juliette felt like the universe had somehow grown physical form and punched her in the chest.

Because the man that had responded to that scream was Nick.

He hadn't changed much in the five years she'd been gone, he looked a little rougher round the edges and he carried a hardness to him that had only just been starting to show before she'd left. That wasn't what hit her so hard though, no, it was the fact that in spite of all that he looked happy.

He'd wrenched his way into the shop and put himself in front of the girl in a heartbeat and Juliette automatically shrank back against the shelves. Nick locked eyes on her and his hand went straight to the gun at his hip while the other swept out protectively to push the girl behind him. Behind them the door banged shut.

'Juliette,' the way he spoke her name was so cold, so filled with nothing, that it was like taking another blow right to her heart.

'Hello, Nick.'

Her soft words didn't stop him from training his gun on her. He looked at her and his grip was steady, his hands didn't shake. Maybe if the girl, the one who had called him dad, hadn't been there he might have waited for her to explain. Maybe he would have already pulled the trigger.

Rosalee moved forward then, not to put herself between them – she didn't trust Juliette enough – but to step closer to Nick to show she was both unharmed and unafraid.

'She's not a hexenbiest anymore, Nick,' Rosalee said calmly. 'She's not a threat.'

Nick didn't lower his gun; Juliette hadn't really expected him to. 'Prove it.'

Juliette wasn't sure how she was supposed to prove something like that but then Rosalee took a step toward her and woged as she leaned in to take a good long sniff of her. Juliette didn't flinch, didn't move, she just let Rosalee get a good hold on her sent.

'She's telling the truth,' Rosalee confirmed, stepping back and shaking herself back to human.

Nick didn't immediately put his gun down. There was a moment where he looked like he might just shoot her anyway before he finally slipped his gun back in its holster and stepped away from the door and the girl. As soon as he moved, obviously declaring it safe, the girl reached out and shoved the door open.

'Can we come in now?' a young voice demanded.

'Get in here, brat,' the teenage girl snapped.

'Don't talk to your brother like that,' Nick reproached and he didn't even look like he'd meant to say the words, they'd just automatically come out.

If Juliette had thought the universe couldn't possibly throw any more hits her way in one day, she was dead wrong. She didn't know who the girl was or why she called Nick dad when she was clearly far too old to be his daughter, unless he'd had a kid when he was much younger he'd never told her about, but the little boy who marched into the shop on the heels of his sister's words was definitely Nick's.

Juliette may have had no idea who the girl was but she knew this little boy. He was the spitting image of his father and if he had any of his mother's traits Juliette couldn't see them. With a jolt of understanding, Juliette realised the girl was Diana. She had to be, to look so old but call the boy her brother. That didn't explain why she was calling Nick dad. Had something happened to Sean?

But the boy wasn't the only one to walk through the door because he had said "we" and she didn't imagine Nick would ever have left his child standing on the street alone even if he was facing a threat. The next person through the door pretty much answered all of Juliette's questions.

'Adalind.'

Where Nick had grown harder in the years she'd been gone, Adalind seemed to have softened. She didn't have the constant undercurrent of fear and anger that Juliette remembered. She was still the immaculately dressed and well-groomed blonde but she had a confidence about her that had nothing to do with the power that had leant her confidence before. Where before she'd shown her power and position in expensive clothes and hard edges now she wore leggings and a sweater with a simple pair of flats.

Juliette glanced down and her eyes widened. 'You're pregnant. Again.'

Whether it was the flat tone of her words or the stiffening of her shoulders, Juliette didn't know but Nick stepped quickly in front of Adalind and Diana picked up her half brother and backed toward Rosalee.

Repeating words he'd said years before, Nick spoke coldly, 'Nothing is going to happen here.'

Last time they'd played out this scene Juliette had been burning with jealous rage. Last time Nick had placed himself in front of Adalind because of the son she carried, there'd been a distance between them bridged only by Adalind's hand on his back, Juliette recalled. This time Nick pressed himself back against Adalind and she pressed tightly against his back, fingers digging into his jacket.

Juliette supposed it was easier to get so close this time; Adalind wasn't nearly as far along. She wasn't the enemy she'd once been.

'You need to leave,' Nick said, tone leaving no room for argument.

She could have argued, could have tried again to explain she wasn't that person anymore but she couldn't find the words. She didn't even know if what she was seeing was real or a product of her fears and memories but she knew she needed to leave. Juliette needed to put some space between herself and the man she once loved because he already had a family and when she was forcing him to stand between them wasn't the best time to try and apologise.

She moved slowly to the door, her movements matched by Nick who carefully continued to shield Adalind as they moved further into the shop to clear Juliette's path to the door.

Juliette didn't look back, she didn't stop until she gotten in her car and driven the whole way home. Only in the safety of her apartment did she let the tears fall.

Confronted by the Past

The fact she'd made it those first two months in Portland without seeing Nick or one of her old friends seemed to have been all the time the universe was gong to grant her, like it was the universes way of atoning for what it was about to put her through.

She bumped into Wu while she was out having drinks with some new friends. She had the most awkward conversation with Bud in the middle of a grocery store and she ran into Hank getting a quick coffee on her day off. That encounter had been uncomfortable but it had also been surprisingly void of anger and fear.

Hank had even accepted her tentative offer to join her for coffee and although the whole encounter never strayed from awkward she felt a lot better for it. Hank asked all the questions Rosalee hadn't had the chance to ask and the ones she didn't think Nick wanted to know.

Juliette told Hank about fleeing the Royals the night the King took Diana on that helicopter, about how she'd wanted so desperately for it all to end. She told him more than he probably wanted to know but he was the first person who had asked to hear her story and she knew by telling him that at least the highlights would make it back to Nick.

So Juliette told Hank about going back to Nick's house that night and finding it empty and how she'd looked around at all they'd had and, unable to face what she'd become, she'd simply run. He listened to her talk about searching for help, first in the form of a wesen support group in Seattle and then from a hexenbiest who had offered her the chance to suppress the hexenbiest inside – permanently.

She didn't dare ask about Nick. She kept the conversation strictly about her own experiences, she didn't even ask Hank how his life was going because she got the feeling he'd only agreed to join her for coffee to hear what she had to say and confirm for himself that she was no longer a threat.

After all the unplanned encounters, intentionally returning to the Spice Shop was almost easy. She knew she was likely to bump into more than just Rosalee and she was prepared for it. She'd had time to come to terms with Nick and Adalind having a kid together and although she hadn't quite puzzled out exactly how big of a role Nick and Adalind played in each other's lives, she had swallowed down the disappointment and feelings of betrayal by reminding herself that after everything she had done she couldn't expect Nick to forgive her.

She couldn't expect him to put his life on hold. And if that felt a little hypocritical given the things he and Adalind had done to each other well then she was just going to ignore that.

Rosalee wasn't alone in the shop.

When she pushed open the door and stepped inside she found Diana sitting on a stool behind the counter. She wasn't focused on her phone this time; instead she was carefully working through a set of math problems as she kept an eye on the shop. She looked up at the sound of the bell but this time she didn't scream for help when she spotted Juliette – and how had she even known Juliette? Had Diana recognised her? Had she remembered her as the woman who had taken away someone she loved and felt safe with?

'They're in the basement,' Diana told her. 'You might as well go down.'

Juliette had never been in the basement of the shop before, there'd never been a reason to go down there but Diana pointed her in the right direction and Juliette took that as a sign that her reception this time wasn't going to be nearly as violent as the last time.

A pang of regret hit her hard when she reached the landing and looked down into the room below to see Nick, Rosalee and Monroe scouring through old books looking for answers. Once she would have been down there searching through her own book.

She wondered if he'd been able to save all of those from the trailer or if he'd somehow managed to find other books to replace them with. She was pretty sure she'd destroyed his family's books, these had to be new to him.

He looked up when he heard her feet start down the stairs and although he didn't immediately reach for his gun she could see the change come over him. His shoulders tensed and he released the book he was reading, eyes flicking up as though he could see through the floor above him to check on Diana.

Juliette felt another stab of regret that she'd made Nick so fearful of her around his family.

'Diana told me I could come down,' she murmured apologetically. 'I hope that's okay.'

There was a beat of silence in which nobody quite knew what to say. Monroe looked incredibly uncomfortable having her there and his eyes kept darting to her and away from her to Rosalee as if he worried she would try and hurt his wife.

She wondered if they had any children of their own but didn't know how to ask. Didn't know if she could ask or if they'd tell her if they did. Why would they want to put the lives of their children at risk?

'Hank told us what you did,' Rosalee said eventually.

'I thought he might.'

'It doesn't change what you did.'

'I know.'

'I'm not ready to forgive you.'

Juliette didn't want to let the hope rise in her chest but the way Rosalee spoke suggested she would one day be willing to forgive Juliette for her sins. She didn't know if that meant they could be friends again, that might be a step too far, but it was more than she had been expecting when she made the decision to visit the shop.

'I didn't come here for forgiveness,' Juliette explained uncertainly. 'I'm not even sure what I was hoping for, I just needed to say that I'm sorry for everything I did.'

'Sorry can't make up for the fact that you helped kill my mother.'

Nick's words weren't as cold as she was expecting but that would have been preferable to the pain that coloured his words. Five years was a long time but it wasn't long enough to just get over the fact that someone he had loved and trusted had willingly lured his mother into a trap knowing she would be killed.

'I know,' Juliette assured him. 'I'm not expecting anything. I came back to Portland because this might be where I lost everything but it was where I was the person I want to be again as well.'

Uncomfortable silence filled the basement. Juliette knew there was no way to change that but she couldn't help the thread of disappointment she felt. She couldn't expect them to welcome her back with open arms but it seemed that in spite of the realistic expectations she held, there had been more than a sliver of hope that maybe they could. The world wasn't black and white like she'd once imagined it to be. Apparently, deep down, she'd been hoping they could acknowledge that what had sent her spiralling out of control hadn't all been her fault.

Then again she had, for all intents and purposes, held a gun on Monroe and would have shot and likely killed him if Hank hadn't been there to tackle Monroe out of the way. That wasn't something so easy to forgive; she could understand why Monroe and Rosalee were wary of her return.

Nick was different. In a way, she'd hurt him much worse than anyone else. She'd killed his mother, betrayed his love for her and tried to kill the woman who carried his child. There would be no coming back from that, she saw that now. She might be able to patch things up with Rosalee to the point of cordiality but she would never have back the friendship they'd once had.

Still, that would be more than she would ever get from Nick.

The door at the top of the stairs was still open and the sound of the bell sounded faintly. Rosalee made for the stairs, giving Juliette the impression that all Diana was there for was to watch the shop and call when customers arrived. She offered Juliette a wary look as she passed and Juliette flinched, shrinking back into the shadows away from the stairs.

Nobody spoke as Rosalee walked up the stairs and Juliette knew this time it wasn't up to her to say anything. She'd said all that she could for the time being, she needed to know what they wanted from her before she could offer words of comfort, explanation or even hope to beg forgiveness.

But that assumed they wanted something from her, even if it was just pain. She needed them to want something from her. She needed them to tell her what she could do to make this better. She had to do something, anything; she couldn't just stand back and pretend like all she had done was in the past. They might have moved on, they might have been able to make something of themselves but she needed the closure.

She needed to help.

Without a word, she edged deeper into the basement and picked up the book Rosalee had been working through. 'What are you looking for?'

Monroe stared at her, eyes shifting briefly to red and Juliette flinched. She glance away and from upstairs came the call of, 'Dad!' although this time it didn't have an undercurrent of fear.

Nick sighed heavily, put his book down and made for the stairs. Monroe waited until Nick was halfway up the stairs before he spoke. His voice was low, much more of a growl than it normally was. It sent a fearful shiver down her spine.

'You should leave,' Monroe said. 'Nick actually has a life now and you can't change that.'

'I don't want him back,' Juliette assured him. 'I don't know what I want.'

'It doesn't matter what you want,' Monroe told her. 'It only matters what Nick needs and he doesn't need you messing up the life he has.'

Juliette swallowed the around the painful lump in her throat and nodded. 'I'm sorry I just showed up here.'

She left Monroe in the basement with his books and hurried up the stairs. She heard Rosalee call after her but she didn't stop, just hurried through the shop and out onto the street. She pulled up short as the door slipped closed behind her. Diana was sitting in the front seat of a red SUV Juliette had never seen before, studiously avoiding looking at the sidewalk.

Juliette wished she could avoid looking at it too. Standing beside the SUV Nick had Adalind's face cupped gently in his hands as he kissed her goodbye. It was a sweet kiss, it spoke of familiarity and love. It spoke of affection and desire and all of the things Juliette had thrown away when she'd betrayed Nick and her friends.

Frozen in the doorway of the shop, Juliette watched Nick release Adalind before he trailed his hands down her arms until he could rest his right hand over her generous baby bump. Adalind smiled up at him and they spoke softly before the mood was interrupted by Diana sticking her head out of the open passenger window to yell at them.

'You guys are way too old to be this gross!'

In response Nick reached out with one hand, shielded Diana's eyes and kissed Adalind again. Adalind's laugh was more of a giggle as Nick kissed her and Diana squirmed to get out of Nick's reach.

'Dad!' she protested and the sound broke what remained of Juliette's heart into a thousand pieces.

She ran.

Forgiveness

Juliette stayed away from the Spice Shop, she didn't try to speak with Rosalee again, didn't try to see anyone else. She just went about her life. She went to work, she had drinks with friends and then she went home.

It was a ritual, a routine that helped build up what her becoming a hexenbiest had knocked down. Slowly, without even realising it, she began to heal. She took a class at the local gym with one of her new friends, which helped calm her nerves, and she went on a date. Things didn't work out there but the fact that she'd felt able to accept the request was a huge step for her.

Work was good and slowly she was able to build up her confidence and her sense of self until the day she bumped into Adalind coming out of the grocery store. She'd strayed from her usual neighbourhood to have dinner with a friend and thought to stop on the way home for a few things so she wouldn't have to go out again tomorrow.

It had been almost seven months since that day out front of the shop and Adalind had obviously given birth. She was dressed casually and she looked tired but happy. This time of night, Juliette imagined Adalind had been forced to run out to get a few things. The armful of nappies and baby supplies suggested they'd accidentally run out. She wondered if Nick was at home with the baby or if she'd left both of her younger children in Diana's care because Nick was busy with work.

There was no fear on Adalind's face, just a sort of resignation. 'Hi.'

'Hi.' There was a beat in which Juliette had nothing to say and too many things to make sense of but she managed to choke out, 'Thank you for loving Nick.'

Adalind seemed taken aback but she nodded hesitantly. 'I'm sorry,' Adalind said, 'for the part I played in what happened to you.'

'You have nothing to apologise for,' Juliette replied. 'What we did to you, taking Diana, that drove you to do those things.'

'I'm still sorry.'

'Don't be.' There was another awkward silence before Juliette finally managed to say the right thing. 'I don't know much about your relationship with Nick,' she hesitated but hurried on, 'but I saw the way he is with Diana and your son and especially with you and I know that this is where he needs to be. I've thought about it a lot lately, about what would have happened if I'd taken the suppressant. Nick and I were having trouble long before any of this happened and I can't help but think you and he were inevitable.'

'Oh.' Clearly Juliette had completely stunned Adalind because she honestly looked like she'd been hit over the head.

'We'll never be friends, I don't think either of us want that, but that doesn't mean we have to hate each other.'

'No,' Adalind acknowledged, 'it doesn't.'

'I don't have a place in your lives and I think I'm finally okay with that.' Juliette smiled and for the first time it felt truly sincere. 'I'm glad he has someone who loves him like he deserves.'

Peace