Memento Mori

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make

You something else is the greatest

Accomplishment."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Chapter 13: Clean

Dreaming. He is always dreaming.

He dreams of his youthful days when the sun was brighter and the nights wonderfully lit. He dreams of the future when doubts and insecurities will no longer flood overwhelmingly through his mind. But most of all, he dreams of today, because he is wide awake and conscious of his dilemmas. Painful and obscure, he dreams because it is far better to engulf himself within one than face reality too quickly.

He is awkward and shy, yet bold and demanding. He is everything a well brought up man up to be. But there was always something missing. Yes, missing.

Soft tips of someone's fingers roll over his cheek bones, down to his chin, over his lips. If feels nice. Yes, indeed it feels wonderful. It's a touch he's always known. A gentle, loving connection. Something he's always had. Now, however, he thinks to himself, why have I always taken this for granted? He's never thought he would have the things he has, the things he had, and the things he could have. And still, the crawling underneath his skin reminds him, that he still had not accepted the things he could have to fill what's missing.

But he would be disgusted with himself wouldn't he? Easily, so easily, he had let himself down time and time again. By friends, by family. By lovers. It was all the same. Equally phased and not phased by each and every outcome. And so, perhaps this is why he is always running. It's not me, it's them. Yes, maybe, just maybe it is them..

Or maybe, it's just him.

No, never mind that. It's no judgement of 'maybe' or 'what if', he knows what it is. It is him. Just him. The time has come when he must finally open his eyes and face the facts. All dreams end. All dreams end.

"What do you mean he's tested dirty for such absurd things!? Ritsu would never do-"

"I'm sorry Onodera-san, but your son is suffering from side-effects. Quite common I might add. Within a few hours, he'll be fine. But considering how easily he fell into symptoms, I recommend keeping close watch on him and away from these kinds of things. At any rate, he's just going to kill himself and lead a difficult life."

"Thank you Doctor." As the said physician exited the room, the three awkwardly wait for Ritsu to explain. It was embarrassing enough to have no clue of their son's 'condition', and now they had to witness their son's male lover silently comfort him.

"…" Takano wore a tired, small smile on his lips, brushing strands of brunette hair away from emerald eyes and gently caressing his soft cheeks.

"Mom, Dad.. I'm sorry." The words had slipped out easier than he expected them too. Though, even with these words no one had moved a muscle or spoken. It was just him now. It was time to finish what he's never bothered to stop. "I know.. I know you're really disappointed in me. I'm disappointed in me too."

"Oh, Ritsu! Enough with the pity talk. What the hell were you thinking?!" His father was a patient and tolerable man most of the time, though now, it was as if he had finally been pushed off the edge with nothing to grab onto but air. It was something new to witness, but something he had known to come.

"…I just.." What words to say? What could he say now? He had run out of excuses, but even then they were nothing to completely hold as a foundation. Beautiful dreams were slipping away. More and more. "I don't have any reason. I just did it."

"What kind of reasoning is that!? You expect your father and I to take that?"

Slipping.

"It's not like I wanted this to happen." With a nibble of his lip, his face crunches up into frustration.

Slipping.

"Are you sure about that? It seems to me like you have always wanted this!"

Gone.

His father's expression raging. Everyone in the room holds their breath. Takano takes steps away from Ritsu's bedside; he is so tired. And Ritsu stares. For once, he stares that damn man straight into his bronze eyes. Now, he promises to be brave.

"..It's because.." His sentence is drowned out with a soft mumble. All ears straining to hear him. To hear why.

"What? Ritsu, I hate when you mumble! Just be honest and say why! We deserve an answer!" His mother is almost in angry tears. But she is the strong one, it's not her tears that will fall. Not today..

He takes a second to swallow, keeping a steady stare with the eyes he could never face.

"It cause.. BECAUSE I'M WEAK!" Honesty spills onto the table, ungraceful and angry. It's out of his mouth now, and he cannot take it back.

No.. he won't take it back..

"It's because I'm weak.. Because I am not like all of you!" He turns his flushed, teary face in their direction. "IT'S BECAUSE I AM WEAK! BECAUSE I'M SELFISH! AND BECAUSE I AM HUMAN!"

And now, eyes are opened once more. And the dream is gone.

He cries painfully, holding his hair tightly between his fingers now. He grasps desperately on the hospital nightgown just above his heart. "I don't want to take over the company! I don't want to marry someone I don't love! For fuck's sake, I'm in love with a man!"

"…R-Ritsu.. Ritsu please, stop this!" His parents are mortified by his outburst. It was expected but not like this. No, nothing like this. They were happy. They were happy, weren't they?

"If you don't like it, leave me alone! Just leave me the hell alone if I'm such a disgusting piece of embarrassment! I don't care! I DON'T FUCKING CARE!"

No.. they were happy.

"Son, it is your duty! You're an Onodera! You have duties! You have a name to uphold! You think you can just throw that all away for how you feel right now!?"

But it wasn't all of them that were happy. It was They that were to be 'happy.'

"Right now!? It's been 11 years! That's not momentary! I'm not throwing anything that I wanted away! I NEVER wanted anything from the company to an arranged marriage! You only care about yourselves! Not me! Never me!"

What once was a perfectly painted image of the perfect, wealthy family, was now unmasked. It was nothing but distortion and lies. They weren't happy. They weren't ever happy.

They wanted to be happy.

"I carried you for nine months! I gave birth to you and raised you! We gave you everything you ever wanted! You selfish boy!" His mother is flustered, as is he. Mother vs. Son. Father vs. Son. Son vs. expectations. It's too much.

"All of you shut up!" Takano ran unsteady fingers through his hair, shouting this in clear annoyance. He knows he can't help. Here he is listening-witnessing the truth, but this isn't right.. He had always imagined Oda Ritsu with a loving home. The boy smiled and laughed. He spoke and blushed. He was perfection. He was loved. He was wanted.

But here they are, 11 years later. Onodera Ritsu was far from perfect, but desperately loved and wanted by none other than himself. He loved this Ritsu. He needed this Ritsu. But could he have this Ritsu?..

"You are family. This is your son! No matter what he chooses, you should respect that and support him! A parent's love the most important thing! It doesn't matter if you don't like their preference or their job or what they want, it's their life! But no matter what, a parent's love should be genuine! Not like this!"

Ritsu's father took a step forward, furious with undying anger. "Shut your mouth! It's none of your business what goes on between my son and our parenting! You wouldn't know anything about it anyways, your parents didn't love you from the beginning!"

And that old shattering sound echoes once again.

"…" He is stunned speechless, eyes wide with shock, as are Ritsu's just a few feet away.

"D-dad.. you.. You fucking asshole!" Tears fall from his eyes. He cries for Takano. Because his heart hurts for him in a way it had never before. "Masamune.." Ritsu stands from the hospital bed, wrapping his arms around the taller man. "Masamune, please don't cry. Don't cry." He says this, shedding his own hopeless, pitiful tears. "I'm so sorry." He whispers, burying his face into Takano's shoulder.

Ritsu's parents say nothing, ashamed of themselves and their filth. But Takano only smiles, tears just barely noticeable in the corner of his eyes. He entangles himself onto the brunette, smiling with a passion so great, he forces the tears to never shed for the same reason twice.

He only pretends to be strong. In reality, he is just as weak as the man he swallows in his arms. "Masamune.. I love you. I've always loved you. From the beginning. So don't believe them, okay?! I love you! I LOVE YOU!"

And that old shattering sound stops.

Takano stared wide-eyed into the emerald eyes of the man who has once again confessed greatly. "Did you hear me Masamune..?" Ritsu's voice is tiny. Salty tears lingering on his face as their gazes meet. "I love you.."

And now, that old shattering has retreated.

"Ritsu.." His mother covers her mouth, rubbing her forehead in stress.

"…" Takano plants a gentle kiss on his love's forehead. Both heart uncontrollably pounding against one another. "I just got a pretty big confession just now."

Ritsu smiles, nostalgia taking him back ten years to that time in the library. When the sun was bright and the sakura petals lovely passing through the window. "Yea.."

"Ritsu, we need to know now, is this the kind of life you want? A man you have no guaranteed future with, no grand prospects.. barely tolerable? What about a wife and children? Don't you want that? A guaranteed life of success? You have everything child, and yet, you are ungrateful for it all.." His mother stared at the scene before her, wondering when and how things turned out like this.

"No Mother. I don't want anything like that.." Ritsu smiled at the man who gazed so lovingly at him, heart full with admiration and unfathomable love. "I just want what I have. And that's Masamune."

"…" His parents stood silently, arms crossed, sighs escaping. The nightmare was over. The uncertainty over. The anger over. All they had now was tomorrow, and there was no telling what it could bring.

"Just tell us then Ritsu.." His father finally spoke again. "Just tell us.. why did you turn out like this..?"

It was only a moment before he replied, Masamune wiping the remains tears from his eyes. "Because it's not my responsibility to want the life that other's want for me. It's my life. And that's good enough for me."

The last of his boxes had finally been moved into Takano's apartment. As cramped as it was with the many, many books they both owned, it was home. It was their home.

"Ritsu, come to bed, I miss you."

"Tsk, go to bed yourself. You're not a baby." Ritsu jolted quick notes down inside a familiar, worn book, glancing over to his lover in the bedroom doorway.

Takano smacked his teeth with his tongue, rolling his eyes at the brunette. "Why do you always gotta pretend to be so pissy? We both know I'm irresistible and that you like it. So just come to bed before I go over there and bring you myself."

Ritsu quickly turned his head back to his journal, a deep crimson blush heating his cheeks. "Y-yea right. Y-you never give up do you?"

Takano strode towards the couch, scooping the brunette up in one quick swoop. "Never." Lips met with no urgency, but with a passion to beautiful for words. They stumbled away into their bedroom, leaving an exposed, new journal entry lying sloppily finished on the couch.

Dear Journal,

There is no doubt in my mind that there will continue to be struggles in my life. I know now more than ever that that is fairly normal. I've come to realize many things these past few months. First off, that we much always forgive. It is overall exhausting to hold a grudge and constantly go to war with past demons. Past is past. You can forgive. It's something we all have the capability to do, it's just a matter of doing it. And with this forgiveness, you don't have to forget. You can remember it, and use it to mold you positively so that you can become stronger. I know now that I don't have to forget, because I so truly want to remember how far I've come.

Secondly, do things passionately. Where there is passion, there is will. And where there is will, there is a way. I've come to realize that no matter how much life throws at you, failure and pain are NOT permanent. They will pass. And when you have this passion, always remember that it is OKAY to have such strong affections and overwhelming love for someone. You should use this passion to love and be loved. Use this passion to guard your life and heart. Do things passionately, so that when the time comes to look back on your life, you do not regret what you could've done differently. Listen to your heart, but take your mind with you.

Next, I have come to accept the fact that I am twisted. It's okay to be. I am human. I am weak. I am self-righteous and prideful. I am twisted. And it's perfectly normal, because I am not perfect. Nor do I need to be. Why try to waste time on imperfect qualities I have when I could embrace them and love them as people who love me do? I am twisted. And it's okay. I have no reason to say why, because It can never be changed in anyone.

I've also accepted that I will be curious. And curiosity sometimes kills. It's simply a matter of knowing boundaries and when to say no. I know that no matter how horrible something gets/feels, it will alter itself to play out perfectly with time. We just have to think of life and love fondly. And always remember that you are never, ever alone. Sometimes life will make it seem as if the whole world will come tumbling down on you-as if there's no hope in it whatsoever. But now, in times like these, I think of the reason why I'm twisted or "human", and I smile because I've grown and I've SURVIVED. I am weak, but I am stronger than I accept myself to be. And when it's all over, you'll see that words exchanged or actions done are simply just words and just actions. It's what we define them as that ruin us. We can shatter or fix someone with just one, and yet, we tend to avoid remembering that fact. And Just when we think no one is watching, there is someone watching. A god, a person.. they can see, and they will see. But it's up to you to save yourself. Or else no one will lend their opened eyes.

All of this, all of it is important. No, not just lessons learned, lessons remembered. But most of all journal, most of all.. dreams end. And I think..

I think that I am finally clean..

"…if you chose life,

you know what the fear is like if,

You welcome addiction,

This is your kingdom."

-Kingdom of welcome addition by IAMX

Dedicated to F.G. Rest in Peace. You are missed, and I'm sorry I didn't understand what you meant. But now I do. So this one is for you.

Thank you to all reviews, favs, follows. I love you all. Thanks for reading. Sorry this took so long to come out, but working two jobs and going to school is not an easy task. Lol. I hope you liked this last chapter. Stay tuned for more fics soon! Hopefully I update some of my other ones… lmao. If im not lazy. ;-; Tell me what you think about the last chapter! :D

Until next time!

-J.J.