Notes: Gray-centric, 2nd PoV, drabble, pre-slash

Hollow

It's a strange feeling.

Sometimes you find yourself stopping, a mildly confused frown in your face and the sense of a heaviness that is, most likely, imagined.

Yet, there it is.

The hollowness that will sometimes weigh you down.

It starts with a heaviness in your chest.

You try not to notice. You focus in your surroundings, there's so much to learn to your ultimate goal, so many obstacles to surpass.

That does work.

For a while.

But then on that instant, that slip-up, that moment of inattention, it comes back.

And it's stronger, the weight on your chest seems to grow, make your back bow with effort.

There are many things that change. Life does go on and distraction is what has always kept you from plunging too deeply into the troubled seas of your mind.

At times you wonder as to why hasn't your body become the ice you wield. You've gotten that much colder.

Loss does that, doesn't it?

Feeling like an unmoored ship also helps to that.

And then, for the first time in a long while, you feel a change. You've gotten into a new place, met many new people, connected, made friends, made a rival – but he's a friend, even if quite dumb most of the time.

You grow.

Focus on the good things, shrink the hollowness, feel the iciness melt a touch.

Because of a touch, indeed.

Yet…

You've always known.

The hollowness.

It's waiting, lurking, expecting a moment of weakness to slither back inside, expand, take over, become you.

You don't want that.

No.

Never.

Never want that.

You start smoking and, isn't that odd?

An ice mage smoking?

Natsu laughs at you and teases you any chance he has.

Yet…

You don't like smoking. It is quite a bit disgusting. However, as you take in that smoke, you feel a rush of something. Your mind goes blank, the ritual becomes everything and reality doesn't matter all that much.

It's abstraction.

Why?

Then, you get fed-up. Quit smoking but that's when what you feared happens.

The hollowness returns.

Heavier than ever, making you choke up, not draw enough air, your heart seemingly beating faster to keep the blood flowing but everything in you is slowing down, becoming crystalized, a monument to ice.

And not only that.

It's as if a shadow had taken over your body, expanding slowly, with each heartbeat, making lethargy set in.

You can't escape.

You can't escape.

You could try to ask for help but, alas, the time for that is over now.

There's no-one who can help you. Despite having friends, they won't be of any help.

Everyone has their own tortuous path, many hardships have come and many more are still to come.

And, also, you want to speak out but can't. It won't allow you to.

It's as if your jaw has been fused together.

You can't read their thoughts nor can they read yours.

And that hollowness… is as if it's mocking you.

Drawing pleasure from seeing you languishing, being taken over by the hostile coldness. It hasn't always been like this.

No.

There was a time when it was kind of comforting, a curiosity and a challenge.

How it laughs at you as it encompasses all of your being – or tries to.

You've never been much of an optimist, neither have you been much of a pessimist. You're a realist.

You take reality as it is and right now the reality is that you're quite a bit fucked.

Before you know it, you're back to smoking.

It eases the darkness slightly.

Still, you know that it won't help you for long.

Then, one day, you decide to follow your rival.

Things can get interesting when that airhead is around. Pink mop.

And then, what was interesting becomes serious.

You've never expected to see it here. Nor him.

Which surprise is the biggest, you wonder…

And, how odd. The previous morning you barely made it out of your bed and yet, here you are, at this cave and a restless, jittery energy is filling your limbs. And no, it's not the constructive kind of energy, it's as if you were spasming, limbs uncoordinated and that hollow hole in your chest were real, gaping and where everyone could see.

You remember things.

Show a side that you want that remains hidden, with only a few select chosen being able to see yet, there's distance and death separating you from those.

You are hollow now.

So much has happened. Your armour has been chipped away, slowly, falling before you, becoming you until you're also being chipped away, losing your sense of being, your wholeness.

In a world of light and darkness, darkness has won.

And that's it.

You're not going to allow it to go out into the world. To create all that mayhem, to hurt.

No.

You're going to do it.

She did it.

She saved you.

Yet, she was the cause for that pinprick. The first aches of hollowness.

But, so be it.

At least this way you know that the hollowness isn't going to win.

You are.

It's odd.

You seem to feel at peace now.

Not feeling so aloof, so cold, unconnected.

You do have friends.

And, with this, you'll save them.

It's a better way to end things. Not having to show the dark hollowness.

Yes.

You can do this.

But, at that last moment… there's a flame, thawing everything, making the ice melt and fill the emptiness.

Warmth.

Heat, becoming so unbearably hot that it's almost like a brand in your skin.

It's uncomfortable but… caring? Welcomed?

The certainty in those eyes makes your heart skip a beat.

The hollowness recedes slightly, faced with the maelstrom of pig-headedness and positivity and caring.

You've just felt the beginnings of the razor-blade on your skin, actually chipping away at your body, felt the giddiness of the hollowness before you've been pushed back.

And then, you stood stock-still.

Saw it.

Why?

Why did it have to be like that?

The dam of emotion broke and what you didn't allow yourself for the longest of times happened.

You grieved.

You finally understood what you were supposed to do. Which bridges were meant to be mended, rebuilt, and built from scratch.

It's funny.

The hollowness took you to the place that allowed you to finally face it.

It's going to take some time but you can finally allow that wound to close. Not having it fester anymore.

It's slowly closing…

And you notice other things.

Strangely, optimistic things.

You finally allow yourself to be.

Live for yourself.

To feel.

And, if that glance meant something, you're not the only one.

You battled against the hollowness and were able to surpass it.

Now you are free.

And can be happy.

A/N: Quick little piece that I felt like writing.

I dunno, gotta use the words before going to hiatus no? I'm feeling quite down and disappointed but, well, apparently I'm still a bit optimistic, if this story's to be taken into account. I mean, I just wanted to write a few angsty feels down but ended up with a happy ending?

Okay, enough of my piss-sorry rambles.

Unbetaed.

Feedback does help my mood lift up a bit. And hopefully write more, I have the last chapter of Yesterday hanging because I haven't been feeling it - and I already have it all planned! (Well, to some degree)