A/N: Happy Supergirl Monday, everyone :) This fic takes place a day after episode 1x16. I hope you enjoy it and I'd love to hear your thoughts!
Kara sniffled and looked around the office, it had been emptying over the past few hours until the day time employees had vacated the floor – gone home to spouses and to kids, to lives that weren't quite so messy or sad.
Her hands were shaking, her chest nearly heaving as she felt her heartrate increasing. Everything was a trigger for an avalanche of regret and horrible memories… the building, the lack of chatter, Cat herself, seated in her office typing furiously on her computer. Kara wished she couldn't remember throwing the woman off her balcony.
It was dark outside, now. Night had fallen across the city. Behind each glowing window was a person, a life. And Kara had been so close to tearing so many of those apart just one night prior.
Alex had insisted that Kara stay home today, take a few hours off until she felt better. But Kara couldn't stay home, she needed to work, she needed to be distracted to keep herself from drowning in the abyss of guilt and hurt she was feeling.
She slumped in her seat and tried, for what felt like the hundredth time, to focus on the article she'd been tasked with looking over. But the words kept blurring together, her vision fuzzy and her mind a million miles away, swamped and crowded with regret.
Her phone rang with a sudden jolt and Kara jumped up, skittish and unsettled. She peered at the screen, read Alex's name, and tried to swallow the guilt knotting in her stomach at the way she'd treated Alex last night, under the red kryptonite. The things she'd said, the things she'd done… they were unforgivable, they were unthinkable.
"Hey, Alex," Kara answered and hoped her voice didn't sound as strained as she felt. If Alex heard the way Kara's voice was shaking, she'd be over in a minute.
"Hey, Kara," Alex said and her voice was so soft and warm that Kara wanted to cry because she missed her sister so much, even though Kara was the one pushing her away. And it wasn't just Alex she missed, it was everything she'd thrown away last night. It was their bond, their trust, their sisterhood. Kara didn't think it could ever be the same.
She couldn't handle seeing Alex right now, couldn't see the sympathy and concern on her sister's face.
"I just wanted to check in and see how you're doing," Alex continued.
Kara ran a hand through her hair, unintentionally loosening the clip it was held in place with. Moving her hands helped keep them from shaking. It was the fifth time that day Alex had called to check up on her and Kara couldn't help the perpetual sinking feeling in her stomach that she didn't deserve someone as good as Alex in her life.
Biting back a sob and squeezing away tears, Kara shook her head. "I'm okay," she said as her voice cracked.
Kara heard her sister sigh through the phone, and when Alex spoke again her voice was gentle. "You don't sound okay."
"I am, I am. I just…" Kara trailed off, this time it was her turn to sigh. "I'm scared, Alex."
"Of what?" Alex asked and Kara could hear movement and talking in the background, could picture her sister in the halls of the DEO base. For some reason, the image brought her some comfort and Kara felt her heartrate settling just a bit.
"Of everything," she admitted and then she was drowning, in words and regrets. Her heartrate spiked back up and her body trembled. She snuck a glance at Cat and, deeming the coast clear, slid from her chair and ran into the bathroom.
Alex's voice was in her ear as she slipped into a stall, but she couldn't hear it, couldn't make out the words as the world fell into pieces around her. And while she hiccupped and choked it felt like the walls were closing and water was rushing in.
Through her phone, discarded to the side when Kara slid to the floor, came a crackle. It pulled Kara away from her head for a moment, making her coherent enough to hear Alex. "Kara? Kara, I'm coming to get you. I'll be there in ten minutes. Just hang on, okay?"
"Okay," she managed between shuddery gasps for air. She was too tired to fight. Too tired to do anything but sit there in an empty bathroom stall, sobbing and trying to just hang on. Hang on for Alex.
True to her word, just minutes later, the door to the bathroom opened and Kara heard familiar footsteps. Straining against every instinct to rush in and immediately pull Kara into a hug, Alex instead lowered herself onto the floor, so her back was separated from Kara's by only an inch of metal, both of them leaning on the same door. Kara needed slow and steady and calm.
"Hey," Alex said softly. "It's me. I'm here now."
On the other side, Kara squeezed her eyes shut and nodded, trying to slow her breathing enough to respond. Instead a strangled cry slipped from between her lips and she shivered so hard Alex could feel it on the opposite side of the stall.
"Hey, hey. It's okay, Kara. I know you're hurt and you feel guilty and you're terrified, but it's going to be okay. It is."
Alex slid her hand beneath the door until she pumped Kara's hand, gently taking it into her own. Kara squeezed weakly and Alex nearly sighed in relief. Under her fingers, Alex felt Kara's pulse racing, her hand trembling.
"Did you know that when I was little, I was scared of thunderstorms?" Alex asked.
Kara couldn't imagine Alex scared of anything. "No," she whispered.
"It's true," Alex said, encouraged at the sound of Kara's voice. "I love them now, but for years I was completely, one hundred percent terrified."
"You were?" Kara straightened up a bit and realized she wasn't sobbing anymore.
"Mhhmm. I used to crawl into Mom and Dad's bed every night there was a bad storm. Once, I even hide under a chair for a whole two hours until they found me."
Kara let out a soft, watery laugh at the idea. "H-how'd you do it? Stop being afraid?"
"One day, it was raining pretty hard, no thunder and lightning, but hard enough that was nervous. I was ready to retreat into my room… instead, Dad took me outside and convinced me to lay down next to him on the ground. He said that's how grass feels when it rains," Alex paused for a second and heard another quiet laugh from Kara. "We sat there for a while, pretending to be grass, and when the sun came out we splashed through puddles and mud. After that, things got better, I wasn't scared anymore."
Kara nodded and clutched Alex's hand. She didn't trust her voice, but she trusted Alex.
She took a deep breath and said, "I really want to hug you right now."
Alex smiled, giving Kara's hand one last squeeze before standing up. "We can't hug through the door."
Kara eased herself off the floor and fumbled with the lock until it opened. The second it was possible, Alex helped Kara out of the stall and pulled her into a hug.
Kara felt a new wave of tears spilling over, wetting Alex's shirt. Alex gently removed the clip from Kara's hair, safely putting it into her pocket. The agent ran her hand over Kara's hair and rubbed her back as Kara buried her face against her sister's neck.
When the crying subsided, lulled to slow, heavy breaths, Alex pulled away slightly so she could look Kara in the eyes. "You wanna get out of here?"
Kara nodded and swallowed thickly. "Thank you for coming and staying here with me. I don't know what happened… I thought I was ready but…"
"It's okay, it happens. We're going to figure everything out, together," Alex said as she guided them out of the bathroom. "You stay here. I'll grab your stuff and be right back."
Kara nodded again and instantly felt better when Alex was back by her side, leading her to the elevator. They stepped in and Kara leaned against Alex, exhaustion weighing her down. "I don't deserve a sister as good as you," she murmured, her eyes closed.
Kara felt Alex shake her head. "Kara," she said, "you deserve every good thing in this world. You deserve every good thing in the galaxy, really. I just try my best."
Kara was too tired to argue, she nestled closer to Alex. "I'm really lucky to have you."
"And I'm just as lucky, if not more, to have you as my sister. Come on," she said as they moved out of the elevator into the lobby. "Let's get you home."