Do you ever feel like you don't know what to say? That's often my thought when writing these notes. Our culture makes us think we have to make every word count and sometimes I take this too seriously. I'll be writing to realise somewhere along the way that this may be too long. Isn't that scandalous of me?

But you know what?

Screw the rules, who needs them? and that's how we come here, to this chapter consisting of almost 4k words.

Also, today is International Fanworks Day. Happy creating and reading.

His day got off to a good start. Kitchen cupboard held the last portion of his favourite cereal for breakfast, his outfit was on fleek, and he wasn't late for his bus. What's more, Dan was beginning to like the sound of a real relationship between Phil and him. He would smile whenever Will made up a joke and the world just seemed like a better place to live in. Dan thought he'd never live up to a moment when he could say, without a doubt, that he was good. But there he was. What surprised him most was that he did so without a hint of sarcasm – that was saying something.

Dan believed they would make it through. With ups and downs but eventually they would fix what has broken down. With Phil on his side, nothing was impossible.

He made up his mind and his lips were itching to tell Phil about it. As it turned out, the school has finally passed the news about his and Rob's fight and Phil's mum decided she had to set some boundaries – dad's condition aside. Dan understood; his mum would do similar things, too, but it didn't fail to piss him yet. It sucked when in the moment he desperately needed to contact Phil all he could do was send messages the boy wouldn't even read in the near future. He may as well wait till he would see him on Monday.

Students swarmed out of the classrooms, Dan following suit as the bell rang and he made his way over to his first class that day. He didn't walk far, though. He was about to take the stairs when a few students passed him quickly. Dan caught himself from tripping in the last second and he turned to call them out on their carelessness but they were off as fast as they came. Dan rolled his eyes and carried on.

Dan hoped Tod gave up on calling him to the whiteboard. He might soon owe Will too many favours, never being able to repay them all. He mounted the stairs with a thought of wanting to be anywhere else than attending Math when something tugged at his arm.

"What the-"

"You're the Dan, right?" a scrawny boy in front of him didn't wait for his response, he grasped his hand and led him further up. "Your friend- he's-"

"He's what? What happened?"

"It's bad," he just said and Dan's heart squeezed in uneasiness.

He followed the boy through long halls, and every next turn made him think of the school as a rat maze. The messenger led him on and Dan had a distant thought that they were putting more and more distance between the part of the school teachers walked and the part that was left mostly empty and out-of-use due to the students' number lessening in the recent years.

Their shoes slapped against the floor but Dan still had the inkling that they were too slow, too rubbish. Then the younger boy outran him and Dan was left behind, trying to catch up. The figure disappeared behind doors to his right. Dan made it to the door with the last ounce of his energy.

The room turned out to be surprisingly huge for an abandoned classroom. Abandoned and unlocked. Empty bookcases adorned every corner and ran through the middle of the room in lines. Ears ringing, Dan scanned the room, dusty surfaces, and searched for his guide.

"Here!"

It came from an unknown direction of the room. Dan swallowed thickly and manoeuvred between the shelves, relying on his instinct.

"Where are you? Phil?"

He heard an accumulation of sounds but before he could turn around, react, realise, something strong grabbed both of his arms. He struggled. He didn't recognise the two guys and his stomach sank. They forced him further into the room. The moment it struck him how far away he was and that no one could hear them, he tried to yank his arms out of their grip but it was a fruitless attempt.

"Where's Phil?"

Someone held down his head and Dan gritted his teeth. He was so not used to being manhandled.

"Who?" a voice – mocking surprise – asked and Dan shut his eyes. He knew this voice. It still haunted his dreams.

"Andrew Smith," he sneered and groaned when another pair of hands roughly pulled his hair back, using much more strength than necessary.

He stared into the hateful eyes of his former bully. The leader kneeled, down to his eye-level.

"I've been wanting to meet you since a while now."

Dan chuckled dryly.

"Since you've kicked my ass? Because the only way you can gain power is within a group, huh?"

Andrew's eyes narrowed. He stood up but within a second he landed a blow to his stomach that made his eyes water. Dan's knees buckled and he was curling in on himself instinctively and in pain but the little minions of the Kicker held him up.

Bravado. Fuck. He'd forgotten it didn't pay back in the long run. Or, how exactly it paid back.

Dan took in small breaths and raised his head to face the leader. He knew what to do. Buy some time for them both and hope the kid got away before it got too hot. Hopefully he'd call help. Otherwise he and Phil were screwed.

"Where's Phil?" he spat out.

The two guys standing by Andrew's side laughed and Smith smiled somewhat, too.

"What did you do to him?" No one answered so Dan struggled aggressively. "Where is he?! What the fuck did you do?"

Smith didn't answer, instead he nodded at somebody out of his peripheral vision. He heard a struggle but before he could understand, they were pushing someone in front of Smith. A little lanky. Small. Dan knew those quick legs. The kid.

"Hey, leave him be, alright?"

Smith snorted, glancing around his 'people'. Everyone shared a laugh. He wished someone let him in on the joke for he had little to be fucking happy about.

"Where is Phil?" he repeated sternly, his muscles aching from being held at an awkward angle.

The Kicker – who sent him to a weekend trip in his bathroom – now looked down at him sympathetically for some reason.

"You really don't get it, don't you?" he asked in wonder, his lips turned in a grimace. His voice turned dark. "Enough of the foreplay."

It happened fast. One second his blood was slowly being cut off by the way they held his arms and the next, his arms were free, they pushed him up against a wall and something cold was touching his neck.

"Jesus, what are you doing?"

Surprisingly, he wasn't the one to shout. Later on, he thought he was too shocked. It wasn't just another day for him to find that a knife rested against his throat. But it did and Dan had to resist the enormous urge to push backwards, forwards, anywhere, provided it was as far from the deadly object as possible.

His ears rang and his heart shot out countless beats a second. He swallowed and the sharp edge moved just a tad closer, its end sending a shiver down his back. Dan didn't hear for a second or two, the world stopped for a second. He was hypnotised for a moment until everything snapped back into motion.

"-only wanted to scare him. . ." the figure babbled as Andrew rolled his eyes.

"We're not exactly besties here. Who the fuck recommended that kid?" he barked and someone mumbled an answer. The Kicker winced. "Just get him off my eyes and- do whatever. Rehabilitate."

Dan glanced to the side at the boy. The boy who led him here. Jesus. Dan shut his eyes and took a breath.

"Where's Phil?" he asked but his voice shook and he stumbled on his words.

"None of your concern. You're in trouble, fuck up. Big fat trouble." He emphasised it by pressing the tip closer to his skin. The metal burnt with the possibility of danger.

His arms have already surrendered. Dan tried to back away even further but unless he could go through objects, there was nothing he could do but remain submissive and motionless.

"What do you want," he managed out, careful not to move too much. Or at all, for that matter.

A smile appeared on his oppressor's face.

"Ah, now we're talking!" He looked to the side, munching on his lip, blond hair sticking in every direction. "Right, well we don't ask for much if you look at the price we offer," he said and suggestively pressed the blade harder.

Dan jerked back but Smith luckily pushed the knife away. For once, he was thankful for something the guy did and Dan breathed shakily.

"What is it," he asked because at this point? There was nothing he could do, no way he could come out of this alive if not by playing their game.

Andrew grinned and he leaned forward.

"You and Lester. Game over."

Dan's eyes widened and he instantly shook his head when he understood.

"No, you're crazy, I won't, I- fuck!"

Andrew drove the blade over his arm, slowly, and Dan gritted his teeth.

"Watch your words," the Kicker ordered.

Dan felt like passing out from the sheer stress would be a damn pleasure right then. Or one way ticket, considering how close Andrew held the knife to his neck. The blood trickled lazily and Dan wished his stupid fucking luck that Andrew wouldn't cut an artery. Or something else he might need. A man never knew how much fingers is a must-have. Or arms.

"The deal is on?"

Dan jerked back when Andrew pressed the blade right above his arm and the tip teased against the wound he'd just inflicted. Dan flinched in pain when it brushed against the cut.

That made it. Andrew Smith was a fucking maniac.

"I need time," he blurted out and that drew the attention away from Dan's arm. He really liked that one. Never fancied over the other but it was nice having arms that worked. Two arms.

"So it looks real," he added when the guy stared at him.

"You think I'm stupid?" Dan's heart stopped. "I've heard you've been having problems," he said mockingly, "whatever problems your kind can have. The fuck you need time when you got trouble in paradise already?"

"Rumours," he mumbled and shut his eyes.

He needed time. He needed to tell Phil that-

"Huh," the Kicker said. "Whatever, I see that other fuck up with you on Monday, you're gone, got it? And I'll make sure he gets a matching tattoo, too. What's more, I'll make it grandeur."

Dan stared at him but nodded nonetheless. Andrew stared him down, cut him once more before he let him go, pushing him to the side.

"And remember, we will be watching you," he reminded as Dan massaged his joints and stumbling a bit, stood up. He didn't want to feel so hopeless.

"There are more of us," the Kicker said and only then did Dan recognise some of the faces. Still, the surprise was worth every penny when among the students he spotted Bulky from whom he managed to run once. A team-up? This was the worst case scenario.

"Don't do anything stupid," Andrew punctuated with a suggestive shake of his knife.

The bunch of students left and Dan was both amazed and afraid of the number of the students. He knew there was no way he would tell Phil unless he wanted both of them to end up dead.

*** pastel page break flowers ***

Dan stared numbly at Tod. Nothing reached his ears. Dan knew he should have been listening or else sitting here had no point but every word and sentence slipped past his notice.

He saw them everywhere. In the library, on his way to his next class, in some of the classes he shared with PJ & Chris, hell- even here in Math, there was someone watching him. On the lookout. Ready to report anything strange and send a message to Andrew or the Bulky or the whole fucked up crew of bullies, for all he knew. The simplest text. A yes. To harm Phil.

In a course of one day, they infected his whole life and were able to destroy it to such an extent. One fucking day.

"You alright?" Will asked from beside and it reminded Dan that they were still in class. Dan attempted a smile and nodded.

Will gave an unimpressed look.

"You sure? You've been spaced out since the start of the class."

Dan looked down at the blank page of his notebook and blinked. Shit.

"I'm fine, just started a new series yesterday and it went downhill."

Downhill as things could go. Why had he not told Phil earlier? What was he waiting for? Somebody to ruin his life?

Will scrutinized him and Dan knew he didn't buy it, not anymore. The class ended shortly and Dan sprung from his seat, determined to get out as the first one. He couldn't face Will and lie.

"Howell? You shall stay after the class, please," Tod said, loud and clear, and Dan couldn't pretend he didn't hear.

He waited till the classroom emptied out, worrying his lip as he watched one of Andrew's spies leave the room, slower than others.

"Yes, sir?" he asked as he approached the desk.

The professor was packing up. He gave Dan a quick, fleeting glance.

"The amount of material for you to catch up on is growing. You do realise that?"

Dan didn't know what words would soothe the situation so he nodded in understanding.

"Your attendance has been spotty, as well. To say the least." Dan glanced down and the teacher sighed. "If you attend my classes with both your body and spirit, it'll be easier to understand the material," he rebuked him but then his voice took on a softer tone and Dan scrunched his eyebrows. "I know what's happened with Ms Doge but I cannot favour you over the other students because of it."

Wow. So much for having a personal life.

"I want you to know that you can come to me if anything happens. Unlike some, I do not leave things as they are."

"That's good to know," Dan choked out and Tod raised an eyebrow at that. "Can I go? I'll be late for my next class."

The teacher jerked his head in agreement. Dan walked to the door, pushing down the urge to call for help. He couldn't. He wouldn't. Unless he wanted to sign a death slip for Phil. Unless he wanted him to go through the same. Dan flinched at the memory of the knife, of Andrew, of so many students standing by idly, allowing the situation to play out in front of their eyes. He fought not to scratch at the bandage on his arm, hidden securely under his oversized blue sweater.

"Dan?"

He didn't turn at first because, holy cow, was that his name spoken by Tod who wanted his end?

"Yes? Sir?"

"I really mean it. Don't hesitate to talk to me if you need help."

And Dan nodded and he forced himself to leave, to go and put more distance between him and someone who could either salvage the situation or make it thousands times worse.

But Dan couldn't risk losing Phil forever.

*** pastel page break flowers ***

He didn't walk a few steps until PJ and Chris were all over him, asking questions he didn't want to answer and offering help he couldn't accept.

"I know there's some intense stuff between you and Phil-"

Dan snorted.

"-but we're here if you need us."

He managed to shrug off their questions, reassure them. Lying came naturally at this point and Dan didn't know who he was anymore. Lying to himself about the feelings towards Phil was one thing, but having to believe everything was okay so that others would eat up the lie was some meta shit.

Everyone was there for him.

Will walked on eggshells around him as if Dan could burst out any given second. He didn't press on but Dan could tell he was on the point of asking about the issue. Dan had no idea which one he preferred.

Most of all, he didn't want to feel so lonely.

Dan thought he wouldn't be able to simply stand and lie in Phil's face. One could suspect that would prove to be impossible after everything they've been through together. Unimaginable and unthinkable. However, when Dan came to school on Friday, Phil was waiting for him by his locker, eyebrows drawn together as he seized Dan up and down in one quick glance.

"You're breaking your own rules," Dan mumbled for the lack of anything better to say.

Phil winced as if displeased with himself. He did a lot of this lately.

"I know but Peej and-" he cut himself short when Dan rolled his eyes, opened his locker and got out the needed books.

"Yeah, they're always there to help."

He hated the tone he used because he didn't mean to be sarcastic. But he didn't mean to lie to anyone, either, and here he was, trying to convince everyone that all was well.

Dan waited for the question, the one all his friends seemed to ask him but it didn't come.

He packed into his bag silently, aware that Phil was watching, that they were probably watching, too.

"How long are you grounded for?" he asked because he couldn't concentrate on anything. The idea that he was going to break Phil's heart soon just for its beat to carry on – it was disconcerting. Nothing should be this level of fucked up.

Having Phil beside, so close, and yet feeling utterly hopeless about any other way to solve the problem cut down his wings, put down his spirit and made him already feel guilty of what he hadn't even done.

"Not that sure," Phil replied. "She wasn't specific. Sunday, I guess."

"Cool. Wanna meet then?"

Phil fixed his gaze on him and Dan smiled. Deep down, he felt another part of him fall apart. He was really going to do it. He was about to destroy any possibility and chance they had and do it himself. He felt like a devil in disguise when Phil looked at him so hopefully and Dan knew very well the ending of this story.

"Course," the boy agreed softly and Dan tore his eyes away, zipped his bag up, and locked his stuff.

He gave a smile he hoped wouldn't turn into a grimace.

"Three o'clock?"

Phil nodded.

"Sounds good to me."

"Alright," Dan said, his head hurting from all the pretend and acting. "See you then. I have Math to catch now."

"See you, Dan."

Dan sent him one last smile as he escaped for his class. Self-loathing felt like a long forgotten friend but in that moment, he embraced it one more time. Can't defeat the enemy? Befriend it, right?

*** pastel page break flowers ***

"That's a shame, Dan. You know?"

Dan stared back at Will.

"Devastating a muffin like that. A decent one, to top it off," he pointed to Dan's untouched but ruined raspberry muffin; pecked cruelly with Dan's fork.

It was Friday.

Dan let out a sigh.

"Sorry, I had little sleep last night."

Mistake. He hadn't any.

Will nodded, swallowed his bit of muffin, and sipped on his coffee.

"You shouldn't fret over it so much," he said and took another bite of his strawberry muffin. "It will be okay."

Dan looked down and away.

"Will. Phil and I. . ." His fingers knocked against his mug. "We're not gonna be together."

His friend choked on the piece of muffin. When he finally managed to wash it down and stop coughing, he asked, his voice a little strained.

"Bitch, what the fuck?"

Dan raised an eyebrow at the clear reference.

"Well, you're the one who told me to make the right decision," he pointed out.

"Duh, but- are you being serious right now? Do you believe in what you're saying?"

Dan didn't. But he had to. This was nothing but a re-run of Phil's and his fake relationship, wasn't it? Only this time, he had to fake not having feelings towards Phil.

"Dan, I'm asking because I've never seen someone as miserable as you this past week."

Dan let out a breath. His shoulders sagged.

"I just want this to end."

He truly did. That one bit he didn't have to fake. And it worked. Will's expression softened and his forehead smoothed out.

It was fucking unfair that now that he didn't need to hold his feelings back, he had to destroy everything.

"I know but. . . " Will drifted off.

"Is this the right decision?" Dan guessed his friend's train of thoughts. He shrugged. "Who the hell knows anymore?"

"Don't you want to at least try with Phil? It can work out."

He couldn't listen to things like this. Possibilities like these hurt too damn much.

"Maybe yes. Or not," Dan wanted the conversation to end but at the same time, he really needed somebody to see through all the shit. Why couldn't Will recognise the lie?

"But?" Will led him on and Dan sighed.

"I just feel that it's the right thing to do," he confessed and Will scrunched his nose.

"Oh?"

"Yeah, like a life-and-death situation," he talked on and his heart sped up. Will stared.

"I really don't wanna end with broken dreams, you know," Dan mumbled and Will continued to give him this really unnerving look.

"But Dan, you like him."

The wound Andrew gave him itched; a reminder of what Andrew was capable of.

He swallowed thickly, the bile of disgust towards himself rising to the very surface.

"Well, I don't think I can anymore."

*** pastel page break flowers ***

Dan slammed his fists against the wooden front door. He didn't know whether Phil was in or out. Dan took out his phone and messaged the other, asking about just that. He ruffled his hair and took in a couple breaths. He exhaled and shifted his weight from one foot to the other when the door opened.

"Dan, hey-"

"-we need to talk," Dan cut to the chase.

With much finesse, he pushed beside Phil and made a beeline for the stairs. Seconds later he was in Phil's room and the boy followed. Dan turned around and only now did he realise Phil was still in his disgusting muffin pyjamas.

He wanted to smile but he rather frowned at the sight.

"What's wrong, Dan?"

He looked away. He could not do it. But he had to. He knew.

"Dan?"

He wasn't the same person anymore. The name meant nothing if the owner himself couldn't recognise the reflection in the mirror.

"I cheated on you," he blurted out.

"And I-" he added because Phil simply stared and Dan couldn't do it to him, he hated that but he still did. "And I don't regret it."

The ending is close and loose ends must connect

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