Chapter 1 - An Unsent Letter to My Satoru

A/N

Pairing: Yashiro x Satoru

Disclaimer: All characters are property of Erased and its creator(s) and do not belong to me.

Note: This fan fiction is based off the anime, and NOT the manga version.

Dear Satoru,

Let me start by saying this: I was the one to pull you out of the car that day you know. In a frenzy, panicked after my momentary shock I pulled you out of the car and that frozen water. I was too late, I thought. I didn't understand it then, the way I only began to understand when you spoke to me on the rooftop that day we both almost died. I needed you. I never meant to kill you, not really. That sounds… stupid, I know. But some part of me thought that that day you would know what was going to happen, the way you knew about everything else I had tried to do. It was like a game at that point: a game of never ending tag. It wasn't supposed to end. You were supposed to know. I don't know how, the how didn't matter, but you were supposed to know and stop it. You were supposed to live for me. The erratic pulsing in my veins and the churning in my gut told me, too late, that you really couldn't escape. That you might actually die. Who would play this game with me then?

Satoru. My Satoru. You were supposed to escape. When you didn't I dove in to get you. How else did you think you got out alive? You would have truly drowned that day if it weren't for me. But then, all those years I thought to myself, if it weren't for me… You wouldn't have been in that coma. All those years I spent waiting for you to wake up for me. You weren't dead, but you weren't alive. I knew, because I didn't see the spider's thread above your head, that you were going to wake up, going to live. But when? When? When would you wake up for me?

And then, I thought, what would happen when you did? When you woke up and remembered everything, would I not have to kill you to keep you quiet? But I didn't want that. I didn't want to kill you anymore. I never, really, had. Not you. So then, how? How could I keep you from turning me into the police? The answer was simple. When you woke up, I would kidnap you. I would take you away to a place, a room, where only I would have access to you. I would have you to myself. Your small body would be easy enough for me to carry when you woke up. When you woke up. When would you wake up? I waited. I kept waiting. I prepared you know. I prepared a room for you, a bed and washroom and books and chains, hidden away for when the day came. But it didn't come. And you kept getting bigger. You were a teenager now: longer from head to toe and fingertip to fingertip. But still thin, lightweight from the lack of muscle. It would be easy enough still, I thought, to carry you away. If need be I could always put you in a wheel chair and wheel you out in an unsuspicious manner. It would be difficult for you to fight me. You wouldn't be able to ever fight me. You had no muscle from the years of lying motionless to do so with.

With that realization my desires began to run a little deeper, in a different direction. All the things I'd be able to do to you when you woke up and were too weak to fight me, alone with me captive in a room where I would be your God, came flooding to me. Your body was older now, less childlike, and it started sparking my imagination. You grew facial hair. I remember shaving it, smiling, thinking I would probably always have to be the one to shave your facial hair. I liked that thought, that I would be the only one to have that privilege. I could shave you in other places too, once I took you away. Once you woke up.

You had to wake up first, Satoru. If you didn't wake up, didn't become conscious, it was meaningless. Yes you were still alive, but not really. Still it was amazing what you did to me, that even without being awake you still filled the hole in my heart. You filled it even better than the killings did. When I killed, I felt like a God. Like a God, Satoru. It calmed me and gave my life meaning. To have control over others, so much control that I could even kill them if I wanted to, was a beautiful thing that calmed the tapping. You see? I needed it, to kill. But that was before you. The tapping just wouldn't stop Satoru. The tapping in my head that ran through my body all the way to my bones and made me lose control of my fingers. The tapping would not stop. Until you.

At first…. At first you were like any other: an unimpressive child. The tapping was still there. It even got worse because of what you did. You kept what I wanted from me and that made it worse. But it wasn't your fault Satoru. I know that now. And when I realized it all those years ago, after you kept messing with my plans, I realized that it was more fun to play with you then it was to kill them. Maybe that was what I had been looking for all along. Not the killing, in and of itself, but maybe I had been waiting for someone to ruin my plans. Like Spice.

I never told you about Spice, did I? The hamster that ruined my plans. I had tried to kill it, drown it like I tried to do to you, only it didn't die. Just like I thought you wouldn't die. Do you understand now Satoru? Am I going too fast? My thoughts are a mess as I'm writing this to you so I will reiterate. You weren't supposed to die. You were supposed to ruin my plans like you always did. That's why I want you to understand, to forgive me. I regret it. I regret it so much Satoru. I regretted it everyday. Every time I'd see your sleeping face I thought to myself, if I hadn't done what I did we could be together right now. I waited and waited. It went by so slowly. So painfully slowly. You have no idea. You said it, that day on the roof, but you have no idea. Fifteen years. That's even longer than the time you had been alive when I almost killed you. Fifteen years of wasted time, when you could have been awake with me. We could have been playing our game. I could have been touching you in a way other than just shaving your face in an observed hospital room with cameras everywhere so that I couldn't even sneak a kiss for fear that they would find out. It wasn't worth it. If they found out they would have made me stop visiting you. I couldn't allow that. So I waited. Always waiting. And then it happened.

You woke up. You woke up Satoru when I wasn't there. I will forgive you for this, if only because I am too happy that you woke up at all. I will forgive you for waking up without me being there and for ruining the plan that I would immediately kidnap you when you did. That's alright. Honestly it probably wouldn't have worked out well anyway, I thought. At that point you were much larger. Still lightweight but I definitely would have had to have used a wheelchair. But then… But then… But then after I recovered from my overwhelming joy that you were finally finally awake, it occurred to me once again that you might tell the police what had occurred. This sent me into a brief panic, if only because that might make things a little more complicated. Not that I feared the police at that point. You had no evidence. But what if someone tried to keep me from you because you feared me? It would make it harder to kidnap you. It would break my heart Satoru, if you tried to fight being with me. I had already waited this long, don't make me wait longer I thought.

So when I heard that you had no memory of the event… You can't imagine the relief I felt. It bought me time. You would be vulnerable, unaware of my intentions. I would have you after all. When I went to the hospital to see you for the first time… words cannot express what I felt. It was like puzzles pieces fitting together. There must be other kinds of fate, kinds other than just the fate of death I see with the spider's thread. And you I and were fated, connected. I couldn't see those strings, but I felt them. I still feel them Satoru. They've only grown stronger since that day on the roof. You were right about everything. You know me better than anyone. So I'm hoping you'll understand the reason why you and I aren't together at this very moment. When I saw you awake for the first time, you were so beautiful. But you were so weak. In my fantasies that had been a good thing, but then seeing it in front of me I realized that you needed to get at least a little stronger. Strong enough so that we could play, so I could fuck you, without breaking you. So I let you stay in the hospital. Just a little longer, I told myself. For your sake. Consider it my apology to you, for putting you in the car that day. I would let you get a little stronger before taking you away. We had time after all, with your memories gone. And I got to watch you. That helped, getting to watch you and talk to you. It eased some of my never-ending anxiety.

That day on the roof… It wasn't supposed to happen like that. I was going to take you with me, but I only had to look into your eyes to know that your memories had returned. I had no choice but to take you to the roof, to talk to you away from prying ears. I was going to explain everything to you. I was. But then I saw your hand in your pocket, recording everything. And I knew you had no intention of listening to me. You wanted to get away from me, to get rid of me. I can't say I blame you. You didn't understand. You hadn't let me explain it yet. But I still felt betrayed. I couldn't help the stab I felt in my chest. It brought the bitterness out in me. I said things I didn't mean. And then you tried to kill yourself. Or so I thought. You have no idea what that did to me. My heart almost stopped. How dare you, I thought, try to take your own life. How dare you kill yourself after all those years I waited for you. It was unforgivable. And then when I saw your beautiful face inches from supposed death... You looked like an angel Satoru. An angel that had forgiven me of everything. I knew. We were meant to be together. And if I couldn't have you in life, if I couldn't take you away, then we would die together. We would be together in death. And then… You ruined my plans. You ruined them beautifully. I couldn't help but laugh. That was what was supposed to have happened fifteen years ago. But that was okay. Better late than never. And I knew after that, after you ruined my plans as you were meant to, that our game was still in play. And it would continue, for as long as we live.

You are my world Satoru. I don't know, don't understand, what you meant on the roof when you said you have lived this life a number of times but… Is there any way we can have a happy ending? Did you see that, when you looked into the future? Is there a happy ending? One where I have you all to myself. Because I need it. There is no happy ending for me otherwise. I can make you love me, if that would make it easier for you. I can be very charming when I want to be, as I'm sure you know. I don't know if what I feel for you is love, but I know you are my world. If that isn't love, I don't know what is. Nonetheless I will make you dependent on me. I will become your world Satoru, as you have become mine, whether you want it or not.

I am almost done now. You will never read this letter. That's okay. I will tell it to you one day, one day soon. Because my date in court is tomorrow and I plan on walking away a free man. I have already bribed those necessary for it. I will be released of all charges and I will find you. It won't be hard to find you. And this scandal will no doubt ruin my career but that's fine. That's better even. Because that means that when I take you away, to that hidden room that I've carefully prepared all these years, no one will notice when I disappear with you. I will be careful, don't worry. I will find a body and put it in your apartment, and burn everything. It will look like an accident. People will think you died in the fire. Maybe your friends will be suspicious. It won't matter. I know how to cover my tracks. And you and I will be together. Soon Satoru.

Yashiro