The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is out in the desert somewhere. Finally! Season Seven is here! This is my explanation at some behind the scenes stuff about what happened during the time between the two seasons. This story takes place not very long after the ending of Drastic Voyage Part II.

Just Like Magnum PI

Chapter One: To The Promised Land Moses!

Somewhere in New Mexico a battered pickup truck plodded along the highway. With some unusual passengers cramped in the back. In fact they don't get more unusual than this bunch.

"I hate you all…" Mallory Archer grumbled as she rode in the back with her son and the rest of her agents. They were all dirty and disheveled and sitting shoulder to shoulder around the truck bed. "I hate you all so much…"

She then gagged. "And now I've swallowed a bug! Probably the only protein I'll get in a long time thanks to you idiots!"

"Oh will you stop whining?" Lana barked as she held AJ who was crying. "You're not dying or anything!"

"Unlike Ray who is literally dying," Krieger frowned as he held Ray's unconscious head in his lap. Ray was sprawled out in the middle of the truck bed. "Seriously I'm really worried about him."

"Worry about us!" Mallory snapped. "We might as well all be dead!"

She grimaced at her outfit. "Thanks to this wreck and the lousy driving my new dress is covered in dust! Ecch! And I swallowed another bug!"

BUMP!

"Another bump?" Mallory shouted as the jeep banged along. "What? Is our driver purposely trying to hit every pothole in the damn state?"

"Hey! We're just lucky Lupe happened to be driving by," Archer barked. "So show some appreciation Mother!"

Archer banged the side of the truck to get the driver's attention. "Lupe! Cuanto mas?"

Lupe, a familiar older woman wearing sunglasses called back. "Unos treinta minutos como tengo suficiente gas." (About thirty minutes if I don't run out of gas.)

"Gracias Lupe!" Archer called out. "I owe you one!"

"I'll settle for gas money," Lupe replied in her native tongue. "By the way, how is the dying crippled homosexual?"

"Not too good," Archer gave a look at Ray. "He's been better."

"We've all been better!" Mallory snapped. "And it's all your fault!"

"Jesus! Change the record already!" Cheryl snapped. "How long are you going to bitch about this?"

"For as long as we're banned from being spies!" Mallory snapped. "Which is probably forever! Because of all of you!"

"We know Mallory!" Lana snapped as she quieted AJ with some gentle pats. "We were there! Not like we're going to forget about it anytime soon."

"And she's not going to let us forget about it anytime soon," Cyril grumbled.

"I can't believe you idiots!" Mallory shouted. "On second thought yes I can!"

"Keep going on and on about it why don't you?" Cheryl groaned. "That was like forever ago!"

"IT WAS TWO HOURS AGO!" Mallory shouted. "ONLY TWO HOURS AGO YOU RUINED MY LIFE GOLDFISH BRAIN!"

AJ started to cry again. "Oh shut up!" Mallory shouted at her.

"HEY!" Lana and Archer barked.

"You shut up!" Lana growled at Mallory.

"Why don't you all shut up, shutting up?" Cheryl snapped.

"Put a glue covered sock in it Miss Stabby!" Mallory snarled.

"You're not my supervisor!" Cheryl snapped. "Wait…She's really not my supervisor right?"

"Not anymore," Pam glared at Mallory.

"Then again…YOU'RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!" Cheryl shouted.

"You have ruined my life!" Mallory groaned. "You idiots have ruined my life!"

"Not to mention the life of that scientist guy we killed," Pam added. "And those other people we killed. And probably Ray."

"Not yet," Krieger said. "He's still hanging in there."

"He's dead weight!" Mallory snapped. "Literally! Shove him out of the truck and leave him behind!"

"We are not throwing Ray out of the truck!" Lana barked.

"Of course you wouldn't!" Mallory glared. "Then again you're all dead weight so…"

"Oh just stop it!" Cheryl snapped. "Your bitching is giving me an earache!"

"You're not my supervisor!" Mallory shouted back.

"That's my line!" Cheryl screamed. She pulled a tungsten needle out from somewhere. "You old dried up bat!"

"What the…?" Pam did a double take.

"Where the hell did she get that?" Cyril screamed in panic.

"Oh dear God! Not again!" Krieger gasped.

"This day just keeps getting suckier," Archer groaned.

"I'm gonna stab you all!" Cheryl screamed. "Starting with you!" She lunged at Mallory.

"GET HER!" Archer shouted. He grabbed Cheryl along with Pam and Cyril. They fought with her trying to wrestle the needle away from her.

"WATCH IT!" Lana yelled protectively cradling AJ who was crying again. "STAY AWAY FROM MY BABY!"

"I don't care about your stupid gross baby!" Cheryl fought back. "I just care about stabbing her!" She glared at Mallory.

"GET HER AWAY FROM ME!" Mallory shouted as they fought.

"Watch it! Ray's close to death now as it is!" Krieger shouted as the others jostled. "OW! Who stepped on my foot?"

"Got it!" Pam wrestled the needle away from Cheryl and threw it out of the truck. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I take it that's a rhetorical question?" Mallory snarled.

"Where do you get these things?" Archer asked as they let Cheryl go now that she was disarmed.

"I really don't know," Cheryl admitted.

"I don't know why we're keeping him!" Mallory pointed at Ray. "There's nothing we can do for him! Let him die with dignity! Then again why should his death be any different than his life?"

"Mallory…" Lana glared at her former boss.

"It's him that's drawing all the bugs you know?" Mallory snapped. "He still has some flies…Ugh! I nearly swallowed another one! Wouldn't be surprised if he was doing it on purpose!"

"Mother," Archer gave his mother a look.

"We could just tell the authorities to get him later!" Mallory snapped. "It will be easy! All they have to do is look for the buzzards!"

"We're not abandoning Ray!" Cyril snapped.

"Fine! Then throw me out to the buzzards!" Mallory wailed dramatically. "You might as well because we're all as good as dead anyway."

"Okay!" Cheryl said cheerfully.

"We're not throwing Mother out either," Archer restrained her for a moment.

"Don't do me any favors!" Mallory glared at her son.

"What did I do?" Archer asked.

"What did you do?" Mallory asked incredulously. "What did you do? You ruined my life! That's what you did! Because of your failure we've all been disavowed by the CIA!"

"For Christ's sake Mother!" Archer was exasperated. "What happened wasn't all my fault! At least fifty percent of it is Krieger's!"

"Me? What did I do?" Krieger asked.

"You wrecked the operation. Got us injected into Kovacs' foot and trashed that super computer containing all the shrink ray data," Cyril gave him a look.

"Oh that," Krieger frowned. "Still…"

"As I was saying fifty percent is Krieger's," Archer rolled his eyes. "Twenty five percent belongs to the asshole who designed that ship in the first place! Seriously! A ship not being able to move while purging is a serious design flaw!"

"And speaking of design flaws," Archer glanced at Ray. "Five percent is Ray's for getting paralyzed again and forcing us to use Cyril to pilot the ship. And five more for Cyril for being so lousy at driving."

"Hey!" Cyril snapped.

"Technically his bad piloting is what actually killed the guy so…" Archer went on.

"HEY!" Cyril shouted.

"Five for Cheryl running amok. And maybe one or two percent at most for me not being able to take charge but I was locked in a stupid room so really…" Archer went on. "The rest is the CIA's fault."

"No! It's all your fault!" Mallory shouted. "All your fault!"

"Here we go…" Lana sighed.

"Because of you idiots my career as a spy is over and I have nothing to show for it!" Mallory wailed. "For almost fifty years I've sacrificed myself for the greater good! And what do I have to show for it? What do I get in return? NOTHING! No medals! No parades! No congratulatory speeches or fancy dinners! Not even a lousy pension!"

"Like you were ever going to get anything like that to begin with," Cheryl snorted in contempt.

"I'll kill you!" Mallory lunged at Cheryl. "I swear to God I'll do it this time!"

"HEY! WATCH IT! COME AT ME BITCH! MALLORY! MOTHER! WATCH THE BABY!" Everyone shouted as they struggled to keep Mallory and Cheryl from trying to kill each other.

"Oh what's the point?" Mallory slumped backwards, defeated. "My life is ruined! Ruined!"

"Your life is not ruined Mother!" Archer snapped. "Stop being such a freaking drama queen! What you're trying to take Ray's job before he…?"

"AAAAHHH!" Mallory leapt at her son in frustration. She tried to choke him and there was another round of shouting and screaming before they were pulled apart.

"Seriously people!" Lana barked. "Baby on board! It's bad enough we don't even have a freaking car seat! This is unsafe enough for AJ as it is!"

"Oh shut up about your gross germ baby!" Cheryl snapped. "Ray's practically dead and you don't hear him complaining!"

"He's unconscious and dying!" Lana snapped. "He can't exactly say much! Unlike you!"

"You wanna make something out of it?" Cheryl snapped.

"I will if you don't shut up!" Lana barked.

"You shut up, Trucka-saurus!" Cheryl mocked.

"Pam! Hold the baby!" She handed AJ to Pam. "I'm gonna clean Cheryl's clock!"

"I'll help you!" Mallory growled. Then both of them lunged at Cheryl. Therefore starting another round of 'Let's Kill Everybody in the Bed of a Pickup'.

"ENOUGH! CUT IT OUT!" Cyril shouted.

"CYRIL'S RIGHT! KNOCK IT OFF!" Archer said as he managed to push them all away. "This isn't helping!"

"What would you know about helping?" Mallory growled at her son.

"Oh don't start this again," Archer rolled his eyes.

"Archer's right," Krieger said. "The important thing is that we need to get out of this desert. And probably get Ray to a hospital."

"Can't we just call somebody?" Pam asked exasperated.

"We can't!" Lana snapped. "Those CIA assholes took our cellphones and refused to give us back our clothes and stuff! Remember? That's why we're still dressed like characters from a B Grade science fiction movie!"

"I'm amazed they let us have the baby bag," Cyril remarked as he pointed to Lana's bag.

"I'm more amazed they didn't search it," Lana revealed some weapons hidden under diapers when she opened it. "Our guns are in here and a few bullet clips but that's it."

"Why didn't you hide your cell phone in the baby bag?" Mallory fumed.

"I didn't think I'd need to!" Lana barked as she took AJ back from Pam. "I didn't think those assholes would keep my purse! And my clothes!"

"They said they'd mail it back to us but I have a feeling our stuff might get lost in the mail," Cyril made quotation marks with his hands. "Which means we have no money or credit cards either."

"Joke's on them," Pam snorted. "My credit rating's worth shit. It was being canceled anyway."

"Me too," Archer snorted.

"I don't even have a real credit card," Krieger said. "Legally anyway."

"I don't have one either," Cheryl said. "Just a bank card which I forgot to bring on this trip. I also forgot my pocketbook at home so…"

"I know Ray's was canceled and mine is pretty close to being canceled," Lana admitted. "We've both had some debt problems. Ray's mostly due to his medical bills…"

"I don't think he's going to have that problem much longer," Cheryl quipped.

"Well my credit card was still halfway decent!" Cyril barked.

"Who cares about your pathetic little credit card?" Mallory shouted. "They have my Black Titanium card! Oh dear God those CIA dicks have my Black Titanium card!"

"So?" Archer asked. "What are they going to do with it anyway?"

Meanwhile…Back at the CIA black site…

"Hello? Hammacher-Schlemer?" Slater called from his cell phone. He held up Mallory's Black Titanium card. "I'd like to place an order."

He looked at a list. "First I'd like five 36 inch OLED televisions. Yes the ones that are about ten thousand dollars each. Fifteen live feed video drones. A couple of massaging slippers in a large men's size. Make that three or four."

"Don't forget those high quality hotel robes," Hawley told him.

"High quality hotel robes," Slater repeated. "How many? Hold on…"

He turned to Hawley. "How many?"

"At least a dozen," Hawley said. "Might as well get back some of the money the Archers and their idiot squad leeched from us."

Then Hawley had an idea. "Ooh, say do they still have that realistic R2D2 robot? It would be a great birthday present for my nephew."

"I'll ask," Slater nodded. He went back to his phone. "So a dozen high quality hotel robes in men's large. And do you still have that realistic R2D2 robot? You do? Well then I want two of them…"

Hawley gave Slater a look. "What?" Slater asked. "I can't be a Star Wars fan?"

Back on the truck…

"There goes my credit rating…" Mallory groaned. "That's the second call I need to make when we get back to civilization. Or whatever passes for it out here in this wasteland."

"Second?" Lana asked. "Who's the first?"

"My husband! Ron? Maybe you've heard of him?" Mallory barked.

"That's still going on huh?" Cheryl asked.

"Yes that's still going on!" Mallory snapped. "We're still married and he's probably worried to death about what happened to me! I left him a message on his work phone but God knows he never checks it when I need him to!"

"Probably because we don't really see you two together that much anymore," Pam pointed out.

"And the few times we do you're going at it like cats and coyotes," Krieger added.

"You mean cats and dogs," Archer remarked.

"No, because sometimes cats and dogs actually get along," Krieger corrected.

"Oh yeah," Archer nodded. "Like on all those videos on the Internet."

"Exactly," Krieger said. "Cats and coyotes on the other hand…"

"Coyotes are always trying to eat cats and cats are fighting for their lives," Pam finished. "Ron is the cat and Ms. Archer is the coyote. Yeah we see where you're going with that."

"That is a more accurate scenario," Cyril admitted.

"Speaking of going," Mallory growled. "Where are we going? As in where is this Rent-A-Wreck taking us?"

"Lupe says there's a small town about thirty miles from here," Archer said. "We should be there in under an hour. Don't worry! I'm leading you all out of the desert just like…"

"Jesus Christ…" Mallory groaned.

"I was going for Moses actually…" Archer corrected.

"Well as soon as we get to wherever the hell we are going the first thing I need to do is call Ron to help us get out of the wilderness and back to New York!" Mallory snapped.

"Actually Mother that's not a good plan," Archer said.

"And you have a better one?" Mallory scoffed.

"Yes I do. First Carol you call whoever it is on your payroll that you call when you need a ride when you're stranded somewhere," Archer explained.

"Why does she get to call first?" Mallory barked.

"Uh hello? She's a billionaire and has gotta have somebody on her payroll that does this kind of thing!" Pam pointed.

"I do," Cheryl nodded. "Actually there's an entire car rental slash limo service that exclusively works for the Tunt family so they can pick up whoever's gotten drunken out of their gourd and lost somewhere in the world."

"See?" Archer pointed. "She's got the money and the contacts. She can get us home."

"One time my Dad got totally lost in Alaska when he was supposed to be in Florida opening a new hotel," Cheryl said. "Funny story…"

"Some other time," Archer interrupted. "So Carol calls first. Then Krieger for whatever medical supplies he needs to fix up Ray here…"

"You're putting the dead stupid gay cyborg ahead of me?" Mallory shouted.

"He's not dead!" Krieger barked. "Technically. Yet…"

"Yeah he does not look good," Pam winced as she looked at Ray.

"Then after Krieger calls you can call Ron," Archer told his mother. "And then your credit card company."

"I can't believe I'm saying this," Cyril said. "But that is a good plan. Especially for Archer."

"Oh goody for him!" Mallory snarled. "Does he also have a plan on what we're going to do for a living now?"

"Actually I do," Archer nodded.

"Which is?" Mallory growled.

"I'll tell you when we get cleaned up and rested a little," Archer said. "Honestly things are a little tense right now…"

"No? YOU THINK?" Mallory asked sarcastically.

"Really don't appreciate the tone Mother," Archer said.

"You don't appreciate my tone?" Mallory shouted. "Well I don't appreciate you ruining my life!"

"Oh God how long are you going to go on about this?" Archer shouted. "It's not like my life hasn't been affected either you know? But who cares? At least we're out from under the thumb of the CIA!"

"Yes and now we've been left in the dust!" Mallory shouted. "Both literally and figuratively! Look at me! I am covered in dirt and dust while riding like a freaking migrant worker to a potato farm!"

"Mallory this is not helping!" Lana groaned as AJ kept crying.

"Well neither is that child's crying! What is she hungry again?" Mallory snapped. "Get used to it kiddo!"

"She's upset because you assholes keep yelling!" Lana screamed. "Oh sorry baby! Sorry sweetie…"

"She's an Archer! She should get used to it!" Mallory snapped. "As well as failure, disappointment…"

"Mother! We get it! You're not happy!" Archer barked.

"Not happy? Not happy?" Mallory gave him a disbelieving look. "I passed not happy when Krieger screwed up the operation! I zipped by upset and dismayed when you idiots killed Dr. Kovacs and at least four doctors and nurses when you burst out of his skull! You spread his brains and body organs all over the place like watermelon at a Gallheger show! And I burst past the speed of sound of utter shock and horror when Krieger smashed that super computer into oblivion along with all my hopes and dreams!"

Mallory paused for a moment. "All right Sterling. I agree technically Krieger is fifty percent responsible for what happened."

"Just saying," Archer remarked.

"Hey!" Krieger pouted.

"Truth hurts buddy," Archer shrugged.

"But now…" Mallory had a wild look in her eye. "Now…I am at pure unadulterated rage and loathing! If I still had my gun I would shoot all of you! Then instruct Lupe to raise my granddaughter as her own before blowing up my own brains! And to leave our corpses for the buzzards!"

"Hey!" Archer snapped. "Inappropes!"

"What is wrong with you?" Lana snapped.

"I take it that's a rhetorical question?" Cheryl quipped.

"I hate you all so much…" Mallory's eye twitched. "I hate you so much that flames…flames are coming out of my head. Flames on the side of my face. Breathing…heaving breaths. Heaving breaths. Heathing…"

"You are just never going to shut up about this are you?" Cyril grumbled.

"God why can't you be more like Ray?" Pam asked.

"You mean dead?" Mallory shouted.

"Exactly," Pam narrowed her eyes at her.

"Hey!" Krieger shouted. "Inappropes!"

"Ray isn't dead yet!" Lana protested.

"Not for lack of trying," Mallory grumbled. "Great a suicidal sissy cyborg! That's all we need!"

"Don't joke about that Mother!" Archer snapped.

"Why the hell do you care all of the sudden?" Mallory snapped. "What? Upset that you're not the one who got him killed this time?"

"Mother!" Archer gasped.

"We were all thinking it!" Mallory snapped.

"No, we weren't!" Lana snapped.

"I was," Cheryl admitted.

"Since when do you think at all?" Mallory shouted. "Not that anyone else in this brain trust thinks that much to begin with!"

"Mallory," Lana's voice warned. "We are all tired, sore, broke, hungry, dirty and cranky. My child is scared and needs her diaper changed. And one of my best friends is dying again! So I would appreciate it very much if you just zip it!"

"Lana…" Mallory began.

"ZIP IT!" Lana snarled with menace in her voice. "JUST ZIP IT!"

Mallory grimaced. "You don't have to be so touchy…"

Lana took a breath. "Look we all had a really, really, really bad day. Pointing fingers and laying blame on each other will not accomplish anything."

"Convenient for you to say that," Mallory grumbled.

"ZIP IT G-MAW!" Lana snapped.

"It's Grandmother Archer!" Mallory shouted back.

"IT'S GOING TO BE MUD IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP AND ZIP IT!" Lana shouted.

Lana took a deep breath before starting again. "The important thing now is to get Ray some medical attention. Get home and get cleaned up and fed."

"And something to drink," Pam added. "Because I'm still thirsty."

"And something to drink…" Lana sighed. "Something very strong to drink."

"I thought you were still breastfeeding," Krieger said.

"I am," Lana remarked. "But I'm willing to chance it. Considering AJ's DNA…I think some alcohol in my system won't hurt her. Especially since my child is currently riding in the back of a pickup truck being bounced along like a potato sack…REEKING OF SMOKE! DID YOU LET SOMEONE SMOKE AROUND MY BABY?"

"That's what's got you so upset?" Mallory blinked. "She's used to it by now."

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY NOW?" Archer shouted.

"You let Ron smoke around her haven't you?" Lana shouted.

"Who said I let him smoke?" Mallory snapped. "The bastard does it on his own! You think I like airing the room all the time? Especially since I just had the drapes cleaned!"

"Lana I think it's safe to say that the ship of protecting your child from harmful substances has sailed," Cyril groaned. "And I think she just ate a bug…"

Lana let out a breath. "Right now none of us are thinking clearly…And we have other issues to take care of."

Lana absently took a look at Ray. "He really doesn't look well."

"I'm amazed he's still alive," Krieger said. "I mean I can still probably revive him if he does die but uh…"

"As I was saying," Lana sighed. "Before we let our tempers get the better of us…"

"Too late," Cheryl spoke up.

"We need to take care of Ray and ourselves before we make any decisions on what to do with our lives," Lana said. "Now that we are no longer a spy agency."

Lana blinked. "Oh my God…We're not spies anymore. My fifteen years of being an intelligence agent have just gone down the drain…"

"Technically fourteen and a half," Pam corrected. "Remember? The drug cartel/country music/arms dealing/San Marcos coup thing?"

"Yes Pam! I clearly remember the Summer of Cocaine, Coups and Country Music!" Lana said in an annoyed tone. "Let's just get out of this desert. Get Ray some medical help. And then we can figure out what to do!"

"Or in Ms. Archer's case, whom to do!" Cheryl quipped. "Or is it who to do? Who de do! That's a funny sound!"

"God why couldn't have it been you that's lying there about to die?" Mallory shouted. "Actually why can't most of you just die?"

"You first," Cheryl quipped.

"I hate you!" Mallory lunged towards Cheryl. "JUST DIE ALREADY!"

"BRING IT!" Cheryl fought back.

Another round of screams and shouts as the gang tried to kill or keep each other from killing each other erupted.

Lupe rolled her eyes. "Lo que un grupo de pendejos!" (What a bunch of assholes!)

What happens next? Find out next time!