"You did what?!" MJ choked on her coffee in surprise, spraying Peter and effectively ruining his scone. "You really expect me to believe that you, Peter Parker took it up the ass? That you actually went into a sex shop and didn't invite me?!"

"Okay firstly," Peter held up a finger. "You are buying me a new scone. I didn't shell out a whole two dollars just for you to spit on my food. Secondly, would you mind keeping your voice down? I don't think the entire café heard you. Unless you'd prefer for me to fetch you a loudspeaker?"

"Sorry!" MJ lowered her voice to a whisper. "I just- I mean I know you said you wanted to experiment, but I thought that meant like dates and stuff. Or, you know, Grindr or something similar. Craigslist even. I never thought you'd actually like-" MJ floundered for a moment and apparently unable to find the right words settled instead on simply curling her middle finger in the same fashion Peter had last night. Peter hid his head in his hands.

"Remind me why I decided to tell you this again?" Peter mumbled through his fingers.

"Maybe because I'm your best friend and you needed someone to talk to? Your best friend who, if I might add, would have loved to drag you to a sex shop to pick up your very first dildo."

"Noted."

"Sooo…Uh, how was it? Did you discover anything?" Despite how much she tried to hide it, not even MJ's awkwardness could hide her enthusiasm. Peter groaned inwardly. He had known that this would happen. And he had told her anyway. Why did he always make such terrible decisions?

"You mean besides my prostate? I mean, I liked it. Like, really liked it. But that doesn't mean anything."

"How does that not mean anything? Seems pretty obvious to me." MJ raised her eyebrows and took another sip of her coffee.

"No, it just means that I like anal. Think about it. You like oral, right? Well that doesn't make you a lesbian." MJ shot Peter a look that he interpreted as a silent 'you don't know me'. Peter rolled his eyes. Now was not the time for MJ's attitude.

"Okay, so what now? You actually get with a guy? 'Cause I could help with that…" MJ's fingers hovered over the pocket where she kept her phone. "Just say the word. I could get you a jock, a geek, probably even that hothead living in the Baxter Building. Just say the word."

Peter chose to ignore the diabolical glint in her eye. "Uh, no. I was just thinking about maybe taking things a little slower. You know, easing into it. Maybe doing a little more research or joining an online forum. You know, answering questions without anything, um, face to face." He shifted uncomfortably under MJ's obviously dissatisfied gaze.

Her face soon brightened, and Peter felt a churning in his stomach that could only mean one thing; MJ had an idea.

"Well, as fantabulous as that sounds Peter, I have a much more distinctively exciting opportunity."

"I'm not going to like this idea, am I?" Peter asked in trepidation. "And besides, I said nothing face to face."

"Oh trust me Tiger, where we're going, it's not their faces you'll be looking at."

"…I don't have a choice in the matter, do I?" MJ's silence was all the confirmation he needed. "Fine," he sighed. "At least buy me another scone. I was really looking forward to eating it, and if you're thinking about what I think you are, it's probably going to be the highlight of my day."

MJ smiled. "Oh honey, trust me, you'll love it. But if you need a little sugar before you get some sugar, I'm only happy to oblige."

Peter opened his mouth to protest, but MJ had already strutted away towards the register. Peter threw his head back in resignation. Why, why for the love of all things holy did he make such bad decisions?