The Suicide Kid

Chapter 2: Suicide Kids

SUICIDE KIDS

-Emory Larson

because we're the suicide kids, turning up drinks and throating them whole,

and mouthing cigarettes like they were candy,

the shitty, pasty kind, not the good shit, the good shit too good for us shits

and fuck do we want to die

and we will

someday

by something else, someone else

if not by our own hand

and we don't get drunk, mom

promise no drugs, pops

we're just living

so we can die

riveting

so we can live another life

because there's so many ways, so many ways

that it's sad that it's so easy

it's so easy and hard, god fucking hard

to take your life

but we're the suicide kids, and dammit, isn't that just what we do.

There was a baby in her house.

Not only a baby, a home tutor hitman baby.

Tsuna raised a single eyebrow, mouth still around the straw sticking from her milk carton. She stared down at the baby blankly. And he stared back.

"Ciaossu."

Tsuna blinked.

"Mom," she called, accusation in her tone as she continued to the kitchen, her original destination. Nana stuck her head out the doorway, and hummed in question. Tsuna stopped, and gestured once with her head down at the small figure who had followed her wordlessly.

"Oh, I see that you've met your new tutor!" Tsuna met her mother's brilliant smile with a stone face. "This interesting flyer was in the mail box," her mother explained happily (as always, as always), "and so I decided that you needed some more help with your studies! And then Reborn decided to come early! Such a rigorous work ethic, right, Tsuna-chan?"

"Scam," Tsuna decided at once, adding a small nod. Her mother frowned, her face morphing into a disappointed pout. This, Reborn noticed, had an effect on Tsuna.

"Now, Tsuna-chan," her mother stated, crossing her arms, "you need to be nice to Reborn! He's our guest." Tsuna sighed once, looking down at Reborn one more time, then shrugging.

"Yeah, sure. Whatever."

"Now, take him upstairs and show him around," Nana said, shooing her daughter out of the room and up the stairs. The daughter in turn, huffed, but obeyed, with Reborn watching and noticing (as he always did, always).

"So," The baby stated, looking around her room, evaluating it, "You're Tsuna."

"Yep."

They blinked.

They stared.

And then Reborn kicked her in the gut, causing the girl to double over in pain. She let out a loud groan, and then rolled to her side. Reborn waited, but then realized that the girl was going to stay on the ground, curled up. Then, she spoke.

"What," she said, voice still blank, face blank, "the fuck was that."

"My true line of work," Reborn stated, walking around to where he was standing in front of her, the girl now looking up at him as he stood dramatically above her, "is assassination." She blinked, and he was assembling a gun. A sniper rifle.

"My real job," he said with an unnerving smile, gun now fully assembled, "is to make you a mafia boss."

There was a beat of impressive silence.

"Yeah," Tsuna said, still on the floor, "no thanks?" Reborn frowned.

"You don't have a choice. I was assigned by a certain man to trai-"

"Look, I said no thanks," Tsuna huffed, interrupting the hitman. There was an eye twitch, and then the barrel of the gun was almost pressed into her forehead. She simply stared at it with dead eyes. "Look," she started again, not at all perturbed by the weapon pointed at her "I'm not about doing what I don't want to do, or telling people what to do. So, Mafia boss isn't exactly a good choice for me."

"Should I shoot now?" Reborn asked, as if musing to himself. Tsuna shrugged.

"Pull the trigger," she said simply. But there was a small nag in the back of her mind, and her mind flitted to her mother downstairs.

And he pulled the gun away.

Thank god, thank god, thank god, Tsuna thought. She didn't want to do that to her mother. She couldn't die, for Nana's sake. She had to live for her mother.

Reborn's stomach growled loudly.

"Later," he stated, walking out of the room, leaving the girl alone, lying on the floor and curled up.

Tsuna considered her new tutor carefully. Troublesome, she defined, but like all of her other problems, she decided to just ignore it. Eventually, he would just leave, right? She assured herself, deciding to skip dinner tonight and just stay in her room, curled up on the floor.

She would help with the dishes tomorrow.

Reborn proved to be hard to ignore, especially considering that he would follow Tsuna everywhere. And here he was, following her to school the next morning. And while Tsuna zoned out, per usual, as always, never caring about anything, Reborn took this time to evaluate his new student.

Iemitsu had been accurate in his report of his daughter, aside from the fact that Iemitsu referred to his daughter as his son (but that was a discussion for another time). Blank. Void. An emotionless and sad human being. Although her appearance would state differently, Reborn found Tsunayoshi Sawada to be a rather lethargic person (despite the hair, despite the piercings). Blank face, black voice, blank eyes.

And then there was the way she looked at her mother. Nana Sawada.

There was a spark, a tiny light, when Tsuna talked to her mother, looked at her mother.

No resolve, her father had said; no resolve, the Ninth had told him.

But they were wrong.

Tsuna had a spark, a tiny spark, but there was still light. And that was enough for Reborn to work with.

"Well, I might as well do it now," Reborn decided, nodding a bit and then bringing out his gun. Tsuna stopped, barely glancing down at Reborn, once again seeing a gun pointed at her face.

There was a moment of doubt. He wouldn't shoot, she thought. But she was wrong, wrong, wrong.

"Die."

And he shot.

And as Tsuna fell back, blood sprouting from her forehead, she thought about her mother; a serene image of Nana in the kitchen, her favorite place in the house, the warmest place in the house. A cozy, yellowed, frayed light filtering through the curtains that still had little doodles from when Nana would set her daughter up on the counter as she washed dishes, where Tsuna had gotten bored and drawn on them, and Nana was so proud, so proud of her little artist.

Tsuna saw her mother, pictured her so perfectly, and she felt pain. Longing. Regret. Because she knew how heartbroken Nana would be, because she knew how much her mother loved her. And Tsuna loved her back, loved everything about her, and she heard her mother humming and saw her mother happy, smiling lightly as she washed the dishes, leftover from last night. And then Tsuna came to a sudden realization.

She hadn't helped with the dishes last night.

There was a moment when Tsuna's limp body fell to the ground. And then that moment was shattered as Tsuna tore through her clothes, shooting upwards and standing in all her glory, only clothed in her mismatched bra and panties.

"REBORN! I'M GOING TO HELP MOM WASH THE DISHES!"

And then she ran off, back into the direction of the house, leaving Reborn in the dust, and passersbys bewildered and bashful. Reborn blinked.

"Huh," he said. "That's a first." And he shrugged and followed her trail, finding Tsuna in the kitchen of her house, washing all the dishes vigorously. Nana stood to the side, hands on the side of her face and cooing:

"Tsuna-chan is so eager to help!"

Tsuna was flinging water and soap all over the kitchen, nearly breaking the plates and cups she was washing vigorously.

"NOT ENOUGH! I NEED TO WASH MORE!" She demanded, throwing open the cabinets and throwing more plates, cups, and kitchen ware into the sink, washing them again and again and again.

And then, the five minutes were up, leaving Tsuna in a confused heap of soap bubbles and splashed water, having sunk to the floor in front of the sink. She blinked once, then looked around. Confused, and then almost ashamed.

"Sorry, Mom," she apologized, looking up at the ceiling, away from her mother, who was giggling. "I'll clean this up."

And it was at that moment, Reborn knew exactly how to motivate Tsunayoshi Sawada.

He had found his angle.

Tsuna had been grudgingly inclined to go along with Reborn's tutoring. The magic words?

"Wouldn't Mama be happy if you improved, Tsuna?"

And Tsuna was beginning to truly hate that squeaky voice of his. But this hatred just led to more smugness on her tutor's part, because he considered getting her to show any emotion at all was a victory on his part. But, he would find it much more amusing if she actually reacted to his tutoring (torture) methods, instead of just taking it all with a blank face.

But he had a feeling that he would never win every battle with her. She was stubborn in a strangely lethargic way.

But now was a good of time as any to test her.

Enter: Gokudera Hayato.

And yet, even a spit fire, dynamite slinging, angsty teen such as him proved to be unimpressive to Tsuna, who ignored him the entire day. Until his anger reached its boiling point and he confronted her. Which, she basically ignored as well.

"I refuse to accept it!" He defiantly told her, standing in her path, "I'm the one who's fit to be the tenth!"

She blinked slowly, then looked over at her tutor, watching idly and with a small smirk, sitting on a window sill nearby.

"Doe this mean I don't have to be the boss?"

"Nope," Reborn responded, "you've got to fight him for the title." Her shoulders slumped a bit, and her face changed slightly, somewhat making a pout.

"But I don't want to."

"Too bad," Reborn shrugged. Gokudera grumbled, bringing out two sticks of dynamite, furious that he was being ignored. Tsuna simply raised one eyebrow.

"You're a nuisance. Die right here!"

"Ah," Tsuna said simply, watching as he threw dynamite at her. Gokudera smirked, stepping back and watching his creation explode where the girl had been standing, only to frown, when he heard coughing. he narrowed his eyes, seeing her figure sitting on the ground, legs sprawled in front of her, her hair somehow more wild than before, and her appearance more ruffed up, even burnt looking in some areas. She coughed once more. And then spoke.

"Listen," she said with a bland voice, looking tired, looking bored, causing Gokudera's temper to flare even more, "I really don't want to die. Well, actually," she admitted with a serious face, "I really do. But I'm got my mom to live for. You feel?"

For a moment, he hesitated. Stalling with more sticks of dynamite already lit and ready to throw in his hands, he thought about her. A clear image appeared in his head. Of piano keys. Of long silver hair. Green eyes. Soft eyes and soft hands, placing his own small fingers on the large keys of the piano.

He blinked, and he was suddenly back in reality. In danger of his own weapons. He cursed loudly, damning his own stupidity, his own fault for falling into the words of his enemy, falling for their tricks.

What he didn't expect that enemy to tackle him and push him away from the dynamite he had dropped in shock. His cigarette fell out of his mouth as she tackled him (how did she get over here so fast, how did she notice so fast?), and she used her own body to shield him.

She used her own body to shield him.

They fell with a thud, and Gokudera felt warm. His arm, he realized, was on her back. There was blood. She shifted, and then rolled off of him, letting out a long pained groan.

Reborn retracted his gun. He hadn't needed to shoot her. Huh.

Gokudera stared up at the sky, replaying the scene in his head. He blinked and moved his head, almost angry, half confused, to question why she did that. And then in that moment, she flipped over him again, and he found himself staring at an angry, beautiful face, and a pair of livid, searing hot brown eyes staring down at him.

"Listen up, motherfucker," she seethed, grabbing his collar and pulling him up to her face, merely centimeters away, "I don't care what the fuck you do to me; hurt me, dammit, do anything but kill me, I don't give a single fuck," she spat, "but if you ever zone out like that again, and pull a dumbass stunt like that again?" She left the rest up to his own imagination. She let go, letting his head fall roughly back onto the ground.

"Respect your own damn life," she told still glaring down at him, "Don't just fucking throw it away like that." She spat on the ground next to him. She then pushed herself up, her hand moving to her back and clicking her tongue, seeing the blood.

Reborn was impressed, if only a bit. Proud that he hadn't needed to shoot her. Turns out, he had found out another interesting angle to play with.

"Isn't it a bit hypocritical?" He asked her, walking along the wall as Tsuna limped home, having left a bewildered Gokudera behind. "That you said you wanted to die, and then berating him for almost killing himself?"

She shrugged, then frowned, finding that the action caused her a bit of pain.

"I don't mind much," she told him casually, "but killing yourself? That's not the way to go…" she muttered, turning her head up to look at the sky.

"Everyone has something to live for," she told him, strangely wise for someone her age. As if this wasn't her first life (and it wasn't, it wasn't, and she felt that she knew this), "and it pisses me off when they think that they don't. No one should take their own life. Accident or not. I don't care."

But she did, Reborn knew.

And the next day she had discovered that Gokudera now cared as well. Perhaps a little too much for Tsuna's liking.

"I'll follow you to the ends of the earth, Tenth!" He said, kneeling on the ground, outside the gate of her home. Her eyes twitched once.

"Were… were you out here all night?"

"Forgive me, Tenth!" he continued, still groveling in front of her, "No one has respected my life like you did! You're far greater than I expected and I would be honored to serve you with my life!"

She looked over at Reborn. An accusation. He shrugged.

"The loser serves the winner. Family rule." Her eyes narrowed, if only slightly. She sighed.

"I can't just say no thanks to this, can I?" He smirked.

"Stupid Tsuna," Reborn berated, "that hasn't worked before, has it?" She shrugged, frowning again, being reminded of the bandages on her back.

"Worth a shot." She looked back at Gokudera, who was still groveling.

"Okay, asshole," she called, nudging him with her foot. He shot up, causing her to lean slightly back.

"Command me to do anything, Tenth!" He saluted her. She blinked, then moved her hand. He was surprised by the gentleness in which she moved his hand down and back to his side.

"Look," she said blandly, "cut the servant, or whatever crap that is your spouting. I don't want a subordinate…" she trailed off, and moved her head slightly, her eyes trailing back to the house and then to a certain window.

"But," she said after brief consideration, "I guess… mom would be happy if she thought I had a friend."

Gokudera's heart fluttered, looking at the girl in front of him, his boss.

A friend.

His friend.

Someone who cared if he died or not.

"Of course, Tenth!" He reached out, nearly startling the girl as he grasped her hands. "I'll be the best friend there is!"

Tsuna's lips moved awkwardly, and formed an unfamiliar showing of teeth.

"….great," she said, through clenched teeth, smiling extremely awkwardly (Reborn made a note to work on that; a mafia boss cannot have an awkward smile like that).

Her first friend. Nana would be so happy.

And, she supposed, that would make her happy as well.

Yamamoto Takeshi had never taken too much notice of Sawada Tsunayoshi. She was a quite girl, after all, and kept completely to herself. She was picked on occasionally, but they seemed to grow bored of it eventually. She never reacted to anything. Nothing.

And she had never bothered him, and he had never bothered her, and so they never interacted. Simplicity at its finest.

He had noticed, like the rest of the class, that the new transfer student (Gokudera?) had become attached to her hip. Yamamoto didn't think much of it, and was actually glad that the girl seemed to find of friend (he ignored that Gokudera nearly worshiped her; it wasn't his problem. They both certainly shared the same taste in style, that's for sure).

However, it seemed that the girl and the baseball player had more in common that they thought.

They had both managed to make the two lowest scores on the test. Talent, really. And so the teacher had made the two stay after school and work on worksheets. And surprisingly enough, Yamamoto had no clue what to answer on any of the questions. And so his attention went to the rest of the room, and eventually that attention went to the only other occupant.

Yamamoto had sometimes noticed how Tsuna was almost always doodling. But, he thought, leaning over to see her drawing more clearly, he never knew that she was so good.

"Ah, cool!" He said, pushing himself up and leaning across the lone desk separating them, "is that me?"

She paused, her pencil ceasing it's movements. And then her head whipped to face him, and light blush dusting her cheeks. She had honestly forgotten that he was physically there, and simply focused on using him as a subject. There was only some many times she could draw the tree outside the window after all.

"I always see you drawing, but I didn't know you were so good!" Yamamoto complimented with a wide grin. She blinked, looked down at her drawing, and then back at him, surprised that he was actually observant and had noticed her. On multiple occasions, it seemed.

She opened her mouth once, and then shut it.

"Yeah," she then said awkwardly, not knowing how to take compliments (especially from people other than her mother), and then repeated, "yeah."

"How did you get so good?" he asked curiously, his hand moving to her paper, spinning it so that it was facing him. She let him do so, albeit a bit apprehensively. No one had ever really looked at her drawings (besides her mother, and now Reborn, who had taken to trying to push her out of the habit of doodling through violent means). No one had ever looked at them with such a smile, she realized as well.

"Practice?" She answered, after realizing he was waiting. "Yeah. Lots of practice."

"Really?" He laughed, "maybe I should practice more then? My average is dropping after all…" he trailed off, smile dropping as he muttered. His eyes dimmed.

"I mean," Tsuna said a bit awkwardly, fiddling with her pencil, "my mom always liked them, so… I guess I practiced for her. Maybe you could do the same…?" She trailed off, not knowing exactly what she was saying. She just knew that she wanted him to smile again. It didn't seem right, to have him not smiling.

"Your mom?" He asked, perking up a bit. She gave a small nod.

"Yeah," she said again, "I.. kind of draw for her," live for her, she said to herself, "and so I just kept drawing, you know? For her."

Yamamoto quelled, looking back at the picture of himself, looking at other images of trees and flowers on the page. And then in the corner, scribbled out mostly, but still obviously the abandoned image of a woman. He thought of his dad momentarily, and then thought back to himself. The school. The team.

He smiled again, but Tsuna nearly winced. There was a sudden flare in her mind, and the sudden creep of a head ache starting. She frowned.

Something was wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

"You know.." Yamamoto said, still looking at the images, "you're right. If I want to improve and help the team, I'll just keep practicing harder, right? Thanks, Tsuna!" She stiffened after he had clapped her on the shoulder, her head ache only increasing.

"You've inspired me, you know?"

"Glad to help," She said plainly, putting on an awkward smile (one she had been working on, per Reborn's orders).

But it felt like a lie.

And as the headache increased after they were released from the classroom (after being scolded, naturally, for not completing their work), this awful feeling only got worse.

Something bad was going to happen.

And something bad did, the next day.

"Yamamoto's going to jump off the roof!"

Tsuna stiffened in her seat, sitting straight up from where she had been laying her head down on the desk. It throbbed again, stronger than ever and she stood shakily, looking first to Gokudera's empty seat, and then looking around the mostly empty classroom, half expecting her tutor to pop up. But Gokudera had gone to stock his dynamite, and Reborn was likely to use this as a lesson (dammit, dammit, dammit).

Her gut twisted and her throat went dry.

This was her fault.

She had heard that Yamamoto broke his arm by practicing too hard.

This was her fault. And so, she decided

she was going to fix it, because dammit it someone was going to kill themselves if she was around.

She was the suicide kid, after all. And she knew best, in this respect.

People came to watch, as if his death would be a show. And it might as well be, he thought. After all, what more was he to them than just an idol. The baseball star with the broken arm. He supposed it was his own fault. For not speaking, for not talking.

But fuck, did he just want it all to end.

He shifted his hand, his one good hand, feeling the metal of the fence, now warmed from his skin pressed against it. He leaned out, looking down. It was dizzying. It was terrifying.

There was doubt, but not for long.

And then there was a voice.

"Yo." He blinked, and looked around, not seeing anyone close enough. A cough, and then it sounded again.

"Down here." He looked down, seeing Tsunayoshi Sawada leaning out the open window below him, staring up at him. She looked around, frowning and then stood on the ledge, turned, her back facing out.

And she began climbing up to him.

"Hey, wait!" He called, "You could fall!"

"Ha." It was a dry laugh. One syllable. She looked up at him with humorless eyes.

"Ironic," she said, "coming from you. Now help a bitch up, will you?" He hesitated, but was pushing into action, sitting on the ledge and reaching down with his good arm. After both scrambling a bit, and the girl nearly latching onto the baseball player, she was soon calmly sitting beside him.

She was so different from the other day, he noticed. Calm. Not caught off guard, like in the classroom. She almost seemed at peace when she was sitting on a high ledge, so close to death.

But he was different from yesterday too.

"You can't stop me, Tsuna," he told her, looking out instead of down. "The baseball god has already thrown me away. The team, the school, everyone… I failed them." She scoffed.

"Say that while looking at the ground," she accused, causing another spike of fear to run through him.

"I'm going to tell you something," she decided, "that I haven't told anyone else. Okay?" He shifted his hands again, this time, braced against the edge of the roof they were sitting on. God, were his palms sweaty. The couple sat alone, shut off from the spectators, who had grown silent. She spoke low enough so that only Yamamoto could hear her. Private. Secluded.

She took a sharp breath.

"I think I killed myself in a past life," she said suddenly, surprising him, "and fuck it if you think it's weird; but it's true. I never wanted to live in the first place. Never."

She turned to him suddenly, and he realized he had been mistaken early. She wasn't calm at all, but livid. Furious. Her eyes almost seemed orange, burning with pristine rage.

"If I've survived this long with wanting to kill myself my entire life, then I think that you can survive breaking one fucking bone," she sneered, face angry, metallic and stabbing. He winced at her words. She took a breath, calming herself.

"Sorry." And then she said it again. "Sorry. This is about you. Not me." Another breath.

"Let's start over," she decided, once again looking out. "My name is Tsunayoshi Sawada. And the only reason I'm alive is because of my mother."

He thought back to yesterday, how she had shared that she drew for her mother. Who did he play baseball for, he asked himself. The team? Himself? His father?

Who did he live for?

"Why are you alive, Yamamoto Takeshi?" Tsuna vocalized his thoughts. "Who do you live for?"

He didn't have to think for long, seeing a familiar figure, a familiar smile. The distinct smell of fish and copper.

"My dad," he nearly choked out, thinking of his old man. She nodded once, and he felt that she was no longer as angry; like she had succeeded in her mission.

"Then that's your answer; you live for them. For your old man. Fuck baseball, fuck the team, fuck what everyone thinks. As long as you have at least one person to live for, fuck everything you do. Only that person matters."

"And once you understand that," she said, her voice softer, as if she was trying to convince herself of this last part as well, "maybe, just maybe, you can start living for others. More people. And eventually? Yourself. God. I know that I want to live for myself."

There was a silence, pregnant with anticipation. And then Tsuna stood, stretching and then wiping the back of her skirt off.

"But," she said, looking down at him, and then holding out a hand, "I'm sure we'll get there eventually, right?"

We.

He wasn't sure if she meant to say that or not.

But he would be damned if he wasn't going to take her hand (her offering, her friendship, her understanding).

He laughed suddenly (a splendid sound), seeing her awkward smile again. Her expression dropped, and his smile widened, realizing that his new friend was pouting.

Well, she thought, letting Yamamoto reach for the fence first to get back over, at least her head ache gone now.

At least his smile wasn't a lie anymore.

But that smile disappeared immediately when Yamamoto pulled on the fence, only for it to break, causing him to fall back. Tsuna reached out, but only managed to get pushed back with him.

And they were falling off the roof.

There were screams and cries from the students, loud enough that the sounds of the two gunshots were overlooked.

I want to save him, Tsuna thought while falling, I want us both to live.

And the two bullets Reborn shot into Tsuna answered her will. Immediately, Tsuna clutched Yamamoto tightly, and then a long sprout of hair springing from her head , cushioning their fall and bouncing them and causing their fall to be non fatal.

They were safe, Tsuna realized, opening her eyes and seeing the sky. She squeezed her eyes shut, thinking of her mother,

and surprisingly, thinking of the boy beside her.

Alive.

She groaned loudly, and Yamamoto shifted. Both a little sore. But alive, alive, alive.

Yamamoto rolled over, and Tsuna shifted her head, looking over at him. A moment. And Tsuna began laughing first, Yamamoto following. The two laughed and laughed and perhaps, the two looked delirious, but they were both happy. Happy to be alive, happy to have their parents, and eventually they would realize that they were happy to have each other.

And they laughed and laughed and laughed, until they were even sorer from laughing than the fall they had just taken.

And so the suicide kid met another, and they became the suicide kids

and lived.

AN:

So, yeah. A lot of things are going to stray from canon, and some will stay? Because this Tsuna is definitely not the same Tsuna, so things are bound to be different. An obvious one, is that this Tsuna does not have a crush on Kyoko, because she doesn't care about any one but her mother at the beginning. And that was a big motivator Reborn used, that he does not have in this story. Also, Reborn's treatment of Tsuna will differ in this, not because she's a girl (because I really don't think Reborn would really care about that), but because this Tsuna is definitely not as easy to provoke as the original one. Because canon!Tsuna was easy to agitate, and therefore, was much more amusing for Reborn. And then, Yamamoto and Tsuna will be closer in this as well, which is a relationship I find extremely important.

Also, this story will not be as detailed, and more of snippets of changes. At least that's what I'm planning.

I was going to do entire arcs by chapters, but I really liked where this ended. And I'm fine with the chapters being shorter. Eh. Also, I feel like these two relationships, or at least the start of them, deserved their own chapter. I'll probably finish the daily life arc next chapter honestly.

Review Responses:

Tigressa: Thanks so much! I'm excited to write it. Thanks for the review!

Guest: Ha, the whole bittersweet thing kind of sets the mood for the entire story. Thanks so much for the review!

Guest: Glad you're excited and think that the chapter is amazing! Hoe you like this one too and thanks for the review!

Thanks for all the reviews, follows, and favorites!

-Evenly