Because I ship NaLu hard enough to write something this insane. Also, I like supervillains. And superheroes. They're fun.

So Natsu Dragneel was a supervillain.

But he wasn't just any supervillain.

He was the best supervillain in the whole entire world, dammit, and nothing Gray Fullbuster said would ever prove that wrong, no matter what that one idiotic reporter said that one time in that one newspaper. The best.

Yes, Natsu truly was the greatest supervillain in the world, and he was also about to prove that fact by becoming the first supervillain to ever defeat their archenemy.

Yes, as you may have guessed by now, Natsu Dragneel had just succeeded in capturing his greatest archenemy, some superhero who called herself Celestial Girl. It had taken him three years, five months, a week, and three days, according to his secretary, Levy McGarden. According to Natsu, it had taken him much too long.

Anyway, he'd gotten hold of her in the end with his faithful Fire Dragon superbot, so now it was time for the most crucial moment of any supervillain's career. The Monologue.

Yes, this was the point where many, many villains had stupidly allowed their archenemies to escape, and yes, they were still doing the whole monologue thing. It wasn't as if they had a choice. Article Five, Section Three, Part Two of the Supervillains' Code of Being Evil stated specifically that "every villain must stun their archenemies with a long and dignified speech regarding their masterminded plan." Therefore, Natsu was forced to prepare a speech, or risk the scornful stares of his fellow supervillains, such as Gray Fullbuster, aka Ice Make. A horror that he would never, ever allow to happen.

Natsu shuffled through the index cards that held his speech notes one last time. The shackles were secure. His minions were faithful. Everything was going according to plan.

"BRING HER IN!"

His loyal minions entered the room, dragging Celestial Girl behind them. She was probably glaring daggers at him, but Natsu couldn't see her, due to the fact that his spinny chair was facing the other way. He wanted to get in a moment of mystery before revealing his face to his archenemy.

Slowly, he spun the chair around. "Hey, Celestial Girl. It looks like your winning streak is finally – dammit you're hot."

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, what?

What demon had just randomly possessed his brain and forced him to say that?

He fumbled for a correction, but she interrupted him with a bewildered, "What?"

"Uh. Er. Ah… I mean, uh, I'm going to tell you my evil plan now!" Natsu stammered. "I have brought you here to witness the greatest victory of the world – the creation of a giant pizza! Wait. Actually, that's not right." He tried to check his cards, but accidentally ended up dropping them instead. "Crap."

"Are you okay?" Celestial Girl asked, sounding genuinely concerned.

"Perfectly fine," Natsu squeaked, because usually, when they fought, she was a speeding blur of light that would somehow blast holes through everything he threw at her. He'd never seen her up close before, he realized, much, much too late. Heck, he'd never seen her in person before, technically. And, unfortunately, she was hot.

Crap she's hot what do I do what do I do oh no she's hot…

"TAKE HER AWAY!" he ordered his minions, before he could embarrass himself any further. Once they were gone, he fought to regain his composure, hoping for dear life that his cheeks weren't too red.

"So that's why we supervillains always fail."