"Mall, mall, we're going to the mall!" Kyu chirped while skipping next to me.

"Whoop de doo," I answered with the same enthusiasm to getting a colonoscopy.

"Geez what's with the sourpuss act? Cheer up, we're going to the mall!" she said excited as we made our way in, "easily one of the greatest human creations of all time. A place where you can find almost anything at arms length. A place where you finish buying clothes and can then go and buy a new phone just a few feet away. A place of magic and wonder. A place—"

"Where you try to blow all my money and make me miss my student loans; those were less painful to pay back."

"Hey, as your love coach/fairy I deserve to get paid somehow for all the hours I'm putting into working with you."

"You live rent free in my apartment and eat all of my food; at this point you're more of a love squatter than anything else."

She stuck out her tongue, "you can be such a dick sometimes; and not the good kind. All right then, what are we doing here then?"

"Well I'm here because I ran out of forming cream for my hair this morning and none of the stores near my apartment sell it. I'm guessing you're here because you're going to go to the sex shop on the third floor and see if they are having a discount on their ten-inch vibrators."

"You know me so well," she winked at me.

"I don't understand why you want those things. You're a super-hot nymphomaniac with magic at her disposal. I find it hard to believe that you have any trouble getting laid."

She laughed, "first of all, thanks for the compliment. Second, you're not wrong. Hell, just now I'm pretty sure three guys were checking out my tits and seventeen of them were checking out my ass. If I wanted, I could walk into pretty much any place and walk out with some free dick for the night."

"What about a church?"

"Pfft, please. I could walk out of there with THREE dicks for the night; and probably some pussy."

"Seriously?"

"Take it from a fairy who knows; those religious types are all kinds of repressed freaks in the sack. You just find their "sweet spot" so to speak and BOOM, you'll suddenly find yourself staring at the other end of a twelve-inch purple dragon strap on."

"Wait, with the men or the women?"

"Yes."

"...I swear, sometimes I can't tell if you are serious or not," I shook my head.

"That being said, sometimes a girl just wants to be satisfied on her own terms without having to jump through all the hoops just to get laid. Light some lavender candles, get into a warm bubble bath, put some smooth jazz, and fantasize just about the newest linebacker from the New England patriots trying so hard to find your g spot," she sighed dreamily, "sometimes your imagination can be just as good as the real thing; though I guess you wouldn't know that yet."

"How long have you been sitting on the virgin jab?"

"Couple of months."

"Whatever. I just need to buy some forming cream in the salon on the first floor."

"Great I'll see you in and hour at—"

"Oh no, no, no," I grabbed her arm before she could get away, "you're coming with me."

"Do you know how many guys have said that to me? More than the amount who actually managed to pull it off," she grinned mischievously.

"Ha ha, very clever," I said deadpanned, "I'm not stupid enough to let you wander around unsupervised and spending my money like I have a large oil reserve back in my apartment. We're staying together so that I can make sure you don't go over 200 hundred dollars while shopping."

"Oh come on!"

"Please, I'm pretty sure that's more than enough for a sex toy or two."

"Not the good ones..."

"Hey, it's that or you start finding a second job that pays actually human money, your choice."

"All right fine," she pouted, "we'll do it your way."

"Great. Now let's go," I said as I began walking.

"You know if you really wanted to spend more time with me you could have just asked," she teased hooking her arm with mine, "no need to go through all that dog and pony show."

"Right."

"Admit it, you got jealous when I mentioned those guys checking me out. You were afraid that I would ditch you and go get some because, as you said, it would be super easy for me. You want me all for yourself," she poked my cheek playfully.

"You are really full of yourself sometimes," I responded while swatting her hand away.

"What can I say? It comes with being...what was it that you said before? Oh right, super-hot," she wiggled her eyebrows at me.

I rolled my eyes, "I mean sure, that is objectively true, but—"

"UGH, WHAT THE FUCK!? OF COURSE YOU SCREWED IT UP, AGAIN!"

My super clever comeback that would have totally owned Kyu was cut off by the sound of someone yelling inside the hair salon right around the corner. We exchanged confused looks before we peek inside through the glass. The place wasn't very crowded—only a few people getting their hair done—but every single person inside the store was looking at the origin of the commotion; specifically, two girls standing in front of a barber station glaring at each other.

The taller of the two had long black hair held back by a white headband, tanned skin, and violet eyes. Judging by the black uniform and cream-colored pants—which she filled VERY nicely—it appeared that she was one of the hairdressers. The other girl was about a head shorter, with flaming red hair and a familiar looking gothic lolita—

Oh you've got to be kidding me.

"Hey wasn't that red headed girl at Lusty's the other night?" Kyu asked.

"Yeah," I responded, "I think Nikki said her name was Audrey; and it would seem like she just as unpleasant now as she was that night."

"Well on the bright side if she keeps yelling like that, I won't have to use my magic to eavesdrop on her."

"That's exactly what you asked for, are you joking?!" the black-haired woman yelled back.

"Bitch, do I look like I'm joking?!"

Okay scratch what I said earlier; turns out she is WORSE today.

"How am I supposed to walk around like this?!" she grabbed a handful of hair and pulled it to the side before pointing at it.

"Hey Kyu? Doesn't her hair look exactly the same as that night at Lusty's? Or is it one of those girl things where only they notice small details and changes when it comes to hair?"

"No, it definitely looks the same."

"You're fucking loco! This is how I always cut your nasty ass hair!"

"Nasty ass hair? Eww, don't even. Look who's talking, skank."

"No, bitch! My hair isn't dried out and reeking of smoke, okay?" she responded angrily while getting up in the other girls face.

"Should we do something?" I asked nervously.

"Hey if you want to get in the middle of their fight to earn brownie points, be my guest; just know that my promise of you not getting hurt does not include you poking your nose where it doesn't belong."

"Whatever, ho. Why don't you go get knocked up again?" Audrey smirked.

Oh shit.

"...you need to turn around and walk away."

Audrey stood her ground—either because she was not afraid of her or because she failed to sense just how thick the tension suddenly got with that remark—and broke out into a shit eating grin, "what's wrong? Did I hurt your WHORE feelings?"

"THAT'S IT!" she lunged at Audrey, only for one of her coworkers—a well-built man with a man bun—grab her from behind and hold her back.

"Kyanna don't! She could sue us and have you fired! It's not worth it!"

"I'M GONNA FUCKING TEAR THAT BITCH'S HIGHLIGHTS AND SHOVE THEM DOWN HER THOAT!"

"Can't be any worse than how you usually cut hair," Audrey egged her on.

"You need to leave. Now!" the man ordered while still doing his best to hold the woman back.

"Gladly. At least I won't have to look at her whore face anymore," flipping them off one last time, she walked out of the salon and past us while muttering to herself, "fucking whore ass bitch needs to learn."

"Geez, can you believe that girl? I feel sorry for anyone who would have to deal with all that bullshit," I said shaking my head.

"Uuuummm..."

"I mean, I would rather stick my dick in a cheese grater and wash it with salt water before going anywhere near that mess."

"Dude..."

"...the huniebee is pointing at her, isn't it?" I asked as a sense of dread began creeping on me.

"Yeeeeeeah."

I pulled out my phone and, sure enough, the screen was flashing a flaming red arrow pointing at the direction where the walking human hurricane was currently yelling at a poor woman behind a pretzel stand ("If I don't get something to eat right now, I'm going to punch someone in the cunt!").

"Of course it is."

"She's quiet the feisty one. That is what we call a "Mega Bitch" and—hey!" she stopped talking when she saw that I was walking the opposite direction of the aggressive girl, "where are you going?"

"I am nopeing the fuck out of here," I answered simply without turning back, "I am NOT going to be pulled into that car wreck of a person. I agreed to finishing this program, but you said I could do it in MY terms: and my terms include staying the hell away from crazy people."

"Please, you're overreacting," she said appearing in front of me.

"You literally just called her a "Mega Bitch" 30 seconds ago. That name does not imply a pleasant/sane personality."

"If you had let me finish you would have learned that that name is supposed to be ironic."

"Let me guess: she's one of those people that act's all aggressive and mean in the outside, but that's only because she's trying to protect herself or because she had a troubled past or something like that, and due to that she can't be truly honest with others or even herself, but deep down she's actually a sweet and caring girl that is just waiting for some special someone to break through her cold shell and discover what a wonderful girl she is on the inside."

She snorted, "fuck no. What do you think this is, a crappy by the numbers japanese dating simulator? I can tell you right now that at the very least that girl over there is NOTHING like what you just described. She's probably just as horrible on the inside as she is on the outside. There might be a little bit of human decency in there, but it is waaaay overshadowed by her overall shit personality."

"Then why the hell would I ever want to hook up with a girl like that?"

"Because she's one of the several personalities that men tend to be attracted to, thus part of the huniebee program, which, as you yourself just pointed out, you need to finish."

"You're telling me that all guys want someone who has the personality and temperance of a homemade pipe bomb sitting next to a meth lab?"

"Not all guys obviously; just enough that we had to include that personality in our databases and into the program."

"Okay fine, let's say I buy all that because it makes total sense—which it really doesn't, but whatever, moving on—surely there are other girls who fit that "personality" and aren't that aggressive."

"Oh there are; and there are also girls with that personality that are much, MUCH worse that her. Think about it as a spectrum. On one end you have the chicks who will just yell and make a scene, and on the other end you have the broads that will actively try to sabotage any future relationship you try to have through deceit, manipulation and sometimes even violence. If I had to guess, I'd say our lovely specimen here is somewhere between keying your car for revenge and smashing your mailbox with a golf club. That being said, she and all of the other Mega Bitches have one thing in common; they can't do jack shit against someone who is a bigger jerk than they are."

"What?"

"Like I said, the title "Mega Bitch" is ironic. They act like hot shit and as if they rule the world, but deep down they are cowards who only pick fights they know they can win."

"Really? Because right now it seemed like that crazy bitch was about to get into a fight with someone who could probably kick her ass in about five minutes."

"Nah, I could tell that she had the whole thing planned out. She saw that the other guy was already moving in to stop his coworker from doing anything stupid; and even if she did get her ass kicked, she could have sued the place for a good amount of money AND get the other person fired. Either way, she would have come out winning in the end; hell, she was probably looking for a "safe" fight either to relieve stress or for shits and giggles and that poor hairdresser just happened to be at the wrong place and the wrong time. Now, if they had been alone and out of the store, I can guarantee you she would NOT be stupid enough to say all those things to her face."

"So what, you're saying I just need to be my usual asshole self in order to score a date with psycho chick over there?"

"You wish pal. If you try to approach her with just a little snark and some biting sarcasm, she'll have you curled up in a fetal position before your tears even fall off your cheek. You want to go up against a Mega Bitch and come out on top? Then you need to be King Shithead of Fuck-Off Mountain."

"Care to repeat that, but in something that resembles the English language please?"

"Confidence is key here. She has to know that you are in charge, and her bullshit isn't going to faze you. She insults you, she eggs you, she does anything and everything to try and belittle you, but you don't even care. You're the coolest fucker in this whole city, literally, and when she doesn't know what to do, you take that chance to strike. Not literally, though, just so we're clear."

I nervously looked over at where the girl was currently snatching a pretzel out of the cowering employee's hand before marching off, "do I really have to do this?"

Kyu shrugged, "not really. Like I said before, there is no time limit to when you have to finish the program. We can just walk away now and wait until the huniebee finds another girl. That being said, you are going to have to deal with a Mega Bitch eventually, so you might as well try it now with her; and even if you fail, at least you'll have some point of reference for the next one."

I paused for a second, weighing my options carefully. Part of me REALLY didn't want anything to do with that crazy chick; then again, I would prefer to not have deal with ANY crazy chick and that apparently was not going to be possible.

"Let's say I decided to do this: any ideas on how I should do it?"

Kyu pondered for a moment, "tough call to be honest. We need a scenario where you are able to exude an attitude that both says "I am confident as fuck" and "I don't give a shit" at the same time."

"...I think I have an idea; but I'm going to need your help."

Some time later

I leaned on the railing at the bottom of the stairs, fingers drumming against the cold steel. I was trying my best to not show just how nervous I was, because believe me when I say I was EXTREMELY nervous. Believe it or not, I actually had dealt with "Mega Bitches" before. Not willingly, mind you, but still basically the same situation as the one present; and if my past experiences with them were any indication, this could very easily end very badly for me.

Maybe it's not too late to go into the sporting goods store and buy a protective cup to be on the safe side.

I felt my phone ring, followed by a message from Kyu flashing on the screen.

She's headed your way.

Did you do everything I asked?

Yep. Caused the elevators to malfunction and made it seem like there were groups of tourists slowly using all the available escalators. Magic is great, isn't it?

Great. Thanks Kyu.

Just a heads up though, she is SUUUPER pissed because of all that. Like, "set your lawn on fire if you forget her birthday" levels of pissed. So, good luck with that!

"Gee, thanks Kyu," I muttered as I got into position. I turned around and leaned my back against the railing, stretching my legs in front of me so that it would be blocking the stairwell. I opened up the non-huniebee dating app on my phone and leaned my head down so that it seemed like I was focusing on just on that.

It didn't take long for the sound of heels clicking against the floor and a foul mouth swearing up a storm started coming closer and closer.

Here we go, I thought as I started swiping left every hot girl that appeared on my screen.

"Um, could you move?!"

I didn't answer, or even bother looking up from my phone.

"Hello!? I'm talking to—"

I raised my finger towards her, still not looking up, which caused her to stop talking for a moment. It didn't last long.

"HEY SHIT HEAD, I'M TALKING TO YOU!"

Rolling my eyes—while doing my best to keep my leg from shaking—I looked up to see a face as red as the hair on top of it glaring daggers at me. Without missing a beat, I let out an annoyed, "what?"

"You're in the fucking way! Get out!"

"I'm busy," I said simply returning to my phone, "if you can't wait then go find an elevator or some shit."

"You're just fucking around with your phone! Just get out of the way, asshole!"

"Hey I'm doing something important here. Trying to see if I can find a chick who's at least a nine here so that I have something to do over the weekend."

She laughed, "a nine? For you? Please, you'll be lucky if even a five gives you the time of day."

"I don't recall ever asking a two for her opinion," I responded simply.

"...what did you just call me you cock sucker?"

"What are you deaf?" I looked up again—and did my best to not cower back at the death glare she was giving me, "let me spell it out for you: I don't recall ever asking a wanna be try hard with more daddy issues than tits for her opinion."

Gotta remember to thank Kyu for that one latter.

"Mother fucker..." she growled, the grip on her bags tightening to the point where I was sure they would break, "you think you're hot shit don't you? You think I can't see right through you? Coming down here at the mall so that you can just creep on girls, thinking that the one who buy the most things are going to be the easiest prey for your pathetic pick up attempts. I know way too many dickheads like you, and you are all just full of it. I bet you're really just some loser virgin who hasn't even gotten a handy yet."

Damn, she's good. Looks like I need to turn it up a notch.

"Was that supposed to be insulting? Why don't you come back to me when you have some actual clever jabs; or when you lose 10 pounds, whichever comes first."

Her left eye began to twitch.

And now for the cherry on top.

"Though honestly I think the first part might be easier for you."

She dropped her bags and grabbed me by the shirt before pulling me down to her level.

"Call me fat again! See what happens!"

"...fat."

"Hrrr!" she clenched her free hand into a fist and for a moment I was sure that I was about to get decked.

"Fuck this!" she shoved me back and grabbed her bags, "I don't need this bullshit!" she began walking away.

All right, time to go in for the kill!

"Aww, and here I was just beginning to get interested," I say coyly, hoping she would take the bait.

She stopped. After a few moments she turned around and sneered at me, "what? You're one of those weirdos that gets off on girls yelling at them? Did you get a boner from all that you freak? Where you going to jizz yourself if I actually punched you?"

That's right, take the bait.

"Don't flatter yourself," I snorted, "it's just for a moment there it seemed like you had something resembling a spine, which would at least be...well, something for your favor. Guess you really are all bark and no bite."

"Please, I have more than enough of anything for a creep like you," she crossed her arms and glared, "your pathetic loser ass couldn't even handle what I got."

"Hmmm," I pretended to check her out, "you do have a nice ass; and I like the way your tongue moves. I guess all things considering you could be considered a seven. You know, if you actually put some effort into it."

"Excuse me?! I am a ten, no, a fucking eleven on an off day. The fact that I am even talking to a loser like you should be the fucking highlight of your entire life."

"Right," I said in an entirely not convinced tone.

She narrowed her eyes at me, "I would eat you alive, cock-breath, and wear your balls as a fucking necklace."

"Okay, prove it then."

"What?"

"If you think your that great, then prove it. Let me get your number and we'll get something to eat."

She blinked, "a...are you serious?"

"Don't worry, I'll pick a place that has salads."

"Hrrrr!" I could practically hear her gritting her teeth.

"Listen sweet cheeks, I don't have all day. If I'm really too much for you—which, who could blame you, I am great—then just say so. You can just walk away and go to another store and continue see if they have something that will at least make it seem like you have tits. Honestly, I don't give a shit. If it's not you, I'll just find some other broad with low self-esteem. It's not really that hard, seeing how you're pretty much a dime a dozen sort of deal."

She didn't say anything, her eyes never looking away from mine.

Then she burst out laughing.

Huh?!

"Oh man. You know, for a moment there, you almost had me," she chuckled as she shook her head and made her way towards me, "that was a pretty convincing act all the way to the end. But that's all it was, wasn't it? Just an act."

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

"I'm guessing this is the part where my hurt ego is supposed to fall and swoon for you, and I give you my number because suddenly I can't resist your alpha stud charms?"

Damnit it, this is going to end badly; abort, abort! Was what my head was telling me; but there was something inside me that wouldn't let me go. Maybe it was my pride, or maybe it was just plain stubbornness and stupidity, but something telling me to give it one last shot.

"What can I say? It's worked on hotter yet stupider women," I shrugged sheepishly while I could feel my back sweating bullets.

"Weeeell...you're going to have to work much HARDER mister!" she poked my chest hard to emphasize the point.

Ouch. But at least this whole mess is over. Now I just wait for her to leave and then never think about this aga—

"Buuuut...you did put an effort I guess."

Wait what?

"And you are kind of cute."

...wait, what?

"I'll tell you what: if you're lucky, maybe we can go and get high sometime. And if you're really lucky, well," she raised her hand to her mouth and made a very explicit gesture, "you down?"

...WAIT, WHAT?!

"Erryday," I said out of instinct.

"Niiice," she snatched my phone out of my hand and typed in a number before tossing it back at me, "name's Audrey; hit me up if you ever get craaaazy."

"Eh, no promises," I said while doing my best to sound confident and not let my voice crack.

"Now, COULD YOU GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY?!" she shoved me to the side and stomped up the stairs.

I stood there stunned—or perhaps paralyzed—from shock, unsure of what had just happened. At some point I clicked the Huniebee app and put Audrey's name in it. A few seconds later her complete profile popped up.

Audrey Belrose

Age: 21

Height: 5'2

Weight: 102 lbs

Hair Color: red

Eye Color: red

Hobby: Shopping

Favorite color: Velvet red

Favorite Drink: Daiquiri

Bra Size: B

Most desired trait: Flirtation

Least desired trait: Romance

Libido: High

"...the fuck just happened?"

"My man!" I felt someone slap me in the back. Turning around I saw Kyu floating behind me, grinning from ear to ear, "you did it! You got that Mega Bitch's number!"

"You say that like it's a good thing."

"Oh don't be like that. You should be proud of yourself. Not many guys manage to score with a Mega Bitch on the first try. Trust me, this accomplishment puts you WAY above so many other clients."

"Yeah, I have NO idea how I did that though. I mean, she managed to see right through my whole act and called me out on it. So why in God's name did she give me her number?"

"Because it wasn't really an act dude; well, at least not the last part. Sure, she tore through the whole "I'm hot shit, suck my dick" part, but when she was all up in your face about it you didn't back down. You may have admitted that it was an act, but you did it so cool that it showed her that you really were confident enough to not take her bullshit; and Mega Bitches eat that shit up."

"What, that? That was pure luck."

"Nah, that was all you buddy. You may not realize it yet, but you're not the same guy I took under my wings months ago," she fluttered down and sat on the railing next to me, "You are so close to becoming the man of your—and soooo many hot babes—dreams. The heartthrob stud that was lying dormant inside you is almost ready to come out; because in the end—"

"If you say "the stud was inside you all along" you are not getting dinner tonight," I warned her.

"Actually I was going to say that the man juice was inside you all along," she grinned.

"...have I told you how much I hate you sometimes?"

"Yeah, whenever you aren't ogling my legs," she purred while sensually rubbing her leg up against mine.

"Save it for your dildo fantasy, woman," I said, feeling my face get hot (as well as another area), "let's just get our stuff and leave before I run into another girl that the huniebee wants me to bang."

"Oh yeah, because that sounds soooo awful," Kyu rolled her eyes as we made our way up the stairs.

"Maybe it wouldn't be if every single girl it has picked so far is somehow connected to the last one. The coffeshop, Lusty's, now this? Of all the girls in the city, why does it always go for the ones who are in close vicinity to each other? If it keeps this up, it's going to end up bieng a problem that bites me in the ass for being a sleazebag."

"Okay, I'll admit, it is quite the coincidence. Actually, now that I think about it, this might be the first time this has happened. Like, ever."

"Oh joy, I'm so lucky. Honestly at this rate I wouldn't be surprised if the next girl is that hairdresser that Audrey was yelling at."

"Nah, no way. Look I know it's been a bit...bizzare, but there is no way that something like that will happen. I mean, what are the chances of that? If I had to guess, you are more likely to...I don't know...meet, seduce, and bang a super hot alien with blue skin, horns, and giant titties."

"That was...weirdly specific."

"Yeah, because it's so goddamn stupid. Point is, it's never going to happen."

"Said the pink fairy who is looking to buy a ten-inch dildo at the mall," I muttered as we walked into the store.

Author's note: look what's back. And on Valentine's day too! Even though I said in my last update that I wasn't going to time the release of my stories with dates or events...oops. Would you believe me if I said that it was an accident? I mean, I wouldn't blame you if you didn't, but it's actually the truth. I finished writing this yesterday and when I realized what day it almost was I was like "eh, fuck it, why not?"

Anyway, we join our protagonist and Kyu once again in their epic and thrilling adventure! And now that they are back in good terms with each other, that means I can go back to writing their HILARIOUS witty banter; or should I say, titty banter? Ha ha! Kill me...

But yeah, our girl of the week this time is none other than the French American Tsundere herself: Audrey Belrose! Will our protagonist manage to grow balls big enough to handle this hot flaming mess? Or will she simply drain his bank account dry and throw him to the side like so many others? Only time (a lot of time to be honest) will tell.

Also, before I forget, I need to give proper credit where credit's due. That line the MC says about Audrey having a great ass and liking the way her tongue moves? That's not mine. That's from the fan made "Hunkiepop" (genderbent Huniepop) video by the great Michaela Laws. Ironically, it was said by Audrey's male counterpart, Austin. Seriously though, if you haven't checked it out, go check it out on youtube. Maybe the surge in views will result in a new episode soon. Please. Please I need this. It stopped right when we were getting the beach episode. It was going to have the DILF and the yoga instructor; I heard it had banana hammocks. Please bring it back.

As always, leave your reviews down below and I will see you next time. Bye!