Disclaimer: Any recognizable plot, characters, or storylines are not mine. Copyright infringement is not intended. Story title from Jukebox the Ghost song of the same name.

A/N: Ever since 11x21 and all the heartbreak that accompanied it, I can't stop myself from thinking about everything Derek Shepherd is going to miss in his children's lives and that really sucks y'know? Cause that man wanted a family so badly and he loved his children so desperately. So thinking about that, wanting to write a story about Derek alive and with his kids, kind of led to this story. It doesn't exactly follow my original idea of a fluffy story of Derek and the kids (in fact it isn't very fluffy at all once you get to the heart of it) but it is a story where Derek is alive and he gets to see his kids grow up. It's an idea that wouldn't leave me alone, so before continuing my other fics I had to write it.

Before you start reading this fanfiction, I'd like to make it clear that I know very little (nothing) about the adoption process vs. foster homes, so any information in this fanfic should be taken with more than just a grain of salt.

No one's gone in vain
Here is where you'll stay
'Cause life has been insane but
Today has been okay
Today Has Been Okay - Emilíana Torrini

four months before the change

Crawling into bed, Meredith sighed and pillowed her head against her husband's chest. In response, he lifted his arm and wrapped it tightly around her shoulder, giving it a tight squeeze as they both settled down for the night.

"Kids asleep?" Derek asked.

Meredith nodded and mumbled through a yawn, "Zola just fell asleep, she'd been working on her pre-algebra homework up until the moment I came in to tuck her in." Rolling to her side, so she could look her husband in the eye, Meredith asked, "You know, what even is the point of pre-algebra? What does it accomplish? Can't you just learn it all when you actually take algebra."

Whenever their daughter spoke about her sixth grade math requirement Meredith would always go on a rant about the uselessness of pre-algebra. Reaching over to turn off his bedside light, Derek placated Meredith with a yes-dear before turning to spoon her close to him. They both shifted a little to get comfortable and Derek shut his eyes, ready for sleep. His breathing was just evening out when Meredith broke the night time silence and said, "You remember before Ellis was born, you had just decided to come home from D.C. and we were up most of the night just talking? And you said you wanted more?"

Unwrapping himself from Meredith, Derek sits up a little and uses his lower arms to prop up his body, "Yeah, of course. Where is this coming from?"

Rolling over to face Derek, Meredith looks him straight in the eyes and smiles, "I want more, Der."

"Another baby?" He asks, not believing the words coming out of his mouth. Derek Shepherd loved his family with all his heart and his entire life he'd wanted a large family, but with their youngest already in Kindergarten, he had just assumed that their family was done growing. He was happy with the size of his family, he loved it in fact, but adding to it, and it being his wife's idea to add to it, was a dream come true. A wide smile broke across his face and Derek couldn't help but laugh a little, thrilled, "Are you serious?"

Laughing with him, Meredith nodded. He leaned into kiss her passionately, always happy to have sex with his wife whether it's for baby making or not, when she stopped him. "But," Meredith said, "I think we should adopt again. Both pregnancies were hard and the births dangerous and I don't want to risk missing any of this," She made sweeping gestures with her arms meaning she didn't want to miss her life with her children and him, "And I think we should adopt from Malawi. I think Zola should have a sibling that she can look at and see herself in, just like Bailey and Ellis have each other."

Still grinning madly, Derek shifted so that his body nearly blankets Meredith's, "We're going to have another baby," He stated, a thrilled laugh in his voice.

Nodding against her pillow, Meredith agreed, "We are going to have another baby."

Without hesitating, Derek captures Meredith's lips with his own. They kiss passionately until they need to break away for air, "But we're not making a baby now," Meredith reminded her husband.

"No," He confirmed as he lowered his head to resume kissing, "I'll call the agency in the morning and let them know to start looking." In response, Meredith flung her arms around Derek's torso and pulled him down, flush against her to resume their kissing.

one month before the change

On the weekends, when the three Grey-Shepherd children were in daycare instead of school, the family would always have lunch together, whether it was in the hospital or at their dream home. Derek was on his way to the cafeteria, to meet his wife and kids who were already there, when his cell phone rang. Without checking the caller ID, he answered with his usual and direct, "Dr. Derek Shepherd."

"Hi, Dr. Shepherd," A female voice on the other end said, "It's Janet Meyers, Zola's social worker, I'm not sure if you remember me."

Stopping dead in his tracks, Derek has to stop himself from getting mad at the woman on the other end. It had been five years since the last time either he or Meredith had seen the social worker when, at the state check-in for Zola, it was determined that they were fit to care and state involvement was no longer needed. Despite the fact that she had been their daughter for four years before that point, it wasn't until then that she was uninhibitedly theirs, from that point on nobody questioned whether they had the right or the ability to be Zola's parents. But the fact that Janet could even think Derek would forget her made his blood boil. It wasn't the woman's fault, she had just been doing her job, but there was no possible way he could ever forget the woman who took his daughter away.

"Of course, Janet, hi" Derek replied, with mock joy in his voice, "Is there something I could do for you? Is this about the new adoption?" The adoption agency that Derek and Meredith were going through had warned them that the process could take a long time. Not only did they need to find an orphaned child, there was a large amount of processing to go through before an adoption work could actually begin. The Grey-Shepherds were warned that it could be months before they were even given the names of possible children.

On the other end of the line, Janet said, "You're adopting again? That's great, you and your wife are fine parents from the last I saw of Zola," But when she continued speaking, her voice lost the casual friendliness it had up until that point and grew a more serious tone, "No, actually, this call is about Zola. Recently, we received contact from her birth mother in Malawi. She'd like to meet Zola."

"I'm sorry, what?" Derek asks, the social worker's words shocking him.

The three-year age gap for the Grey-Shepherd children translated into a thirty-minute gap between bedtimes. Five-year-old Ellis would be tucked in at 8:30, at 9:00 Derek and Meredith would wrestle an overly energetic eight-year-old Bailey into bed, and Zola, with the privilege of being the oldest, would stay awake until 9:30. Two days after Janet's call, two days filled with a lot of discussion and debate and worry between Meredith and Derek, the parents sat their daughter down after both her siblings were asleep to tell her about her birth mother.

"Am I in trouble?" Zola asked as she sat down on the couch between her parents.

Reaching up a hand to comfortingly stroke her daughter's hair, Meredith assured her, "Of course not sweetie, you're not in trouble. We just have something important we need to talk about."

Nodding, Zola settled down between her parents. Derek protectively wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her to lean against him. Instinctively, Zola snuggled up against her father like she has her entire life. Meredith nervously took one of Zola's smaller hands into her own and listened intently as Derek explained to Zola. He told her about Janet and about the call he received. Zola seemed to be in shock and didn't say anything as her father told her that her biological mother wanted to meet her.

"No matter what you decide," Derek finished, "Whether you want to meet your biological mother or not, we will always be your parents, and we will always love you more than anything."

It's unusual for Zola to be quiet, ever since they first met her she has always been full of energy and communicative. When Derek and Meredith first started talking about having kids, Meredith complained about how chatty Derek's children would be and even though Zola wasn't biologically theirs, she seemed to have inherited his talkativeness. Her clutch on Meredith's hand tightened as Zola asked, "What's her name?"

"Ife Limbani," Meredith replied, her voice cracking a little. She would never admit it, especially not to Zola, but Meredith was terrified that if her daughter met her birth mother, she would lose her.

With certainty in her voice, Zola decided, "I want to meet her. I want to meet Ife. But I want you there with me, Mom," She glanced at Derek, "And you too, Dad. You're my parents. I need you there. But I want to meet her."

Meredith barely held back a sob as she dove down to her daughter and pulled her into a tight embrace. Tears threaten to fall from her eyes, she had pictured Zola never calling her mom again but instead she insisted that she be at her side. Pressing a kiss to her daughter's cheek, Meredith whispered how much she loved her. Wrapping her arms around her mother, Zola repeated the sentiments. Derek finished the embrace, enveloping his wife and daughter in a tight hug, sending his love to both of them.

two days before the change

Zola stood between her parents, one hand in each other theirs. She was dressed nicely, in her favorite red and black plaid dress with formal shoes on her feet. The day had come for Zola to finally meet her birth mother and she was terrified. Part of Zola was worried that her birth mother wouldn't like her but another part was worried that she would like her too much and want to take her away from her parents. Standing outside, the large oak doors of the court house room where the meeting with her biological mother was taking place, Zola was quaking. Nervously, she looked up towards her mother who smiled down at her.

Giving her daughter's hand a reassuring squeeze, Meredith promised, "It's going to be okay, ZoZo. Dad and I are right here."

Silently, Zola nods and her eyes shift back to the doors. Glancing between her parents, Zola wondered if they were worried too. Her father was tapping his foot a little, a habit he had as a nervous tick. She found it surprisingly comforting that they seemed out of their element as well. Usually, kids like it when their parents are confident but diving into such an unknown, Zola found herself relieved that her parents were just as anxious as herself. The wait for the doors to open feels like a lifetime when in fact it was just under three minutes. Janet is the first person they see, as she's the one who opens the doors and she stands directly in the space between them.

Janet has a kind smile as she said to the three nervous people, "Ms. Limbani has been waiting for you."

Zola tightened her grip on the hands of both her parents and pleaded, "Don't leave me." They both gave her a comforting squeeze back as they entire the room. It was a moderate sized room, with a large round wooden table in the center. Directly across from them sat a dark skinned woman, her hair in long plaits down her back, and an ecstatic smile across her face. Beside the woman sat a man in a suit, Janet explained that he's a lawyer, just there because of state regulation. As soon as Zola, Derek, and Meredith are all the way in the room, Ife stood from her chair and hurries across the room. She dropped to her knees in front of Zola and pulls the confused girl into her arms, inadvertently pulling Zola's hands away from her parents. The embrace is tight and desperate, but Zola doesn't reciprocate it. Ife is clutching at her desperately and mumbling about how much she had longed to see her. Eventually, Ife unclasped Zola and reaches up to cup the eleven year-old's cheeks. Zola flinched away from the woman's touch, uncomfortable with someone she didn't know treating her so intimately. The entire time Ife holds Zola, Meredith and Derek protectively stand behind their daughter, there for her if she needs them.

Noticing Zola's discomfort, Janet suggests that they all return to their seat so they can talk and get to know each other. Coming to sit down, Ife offers the seat next to her to Zola but instead the girl sit on the opposite side of the table, with her adoptive parents on either side of her. Ife begins bombarding Zola with questions that the young girl doesn't feel like answering. While the woman in front of her thinks of her as a daughter, to Zola, Ife is just a stranger. Meredith and Derek take it upon themselves to answer Ife's questions. The meeting with Ife lasted roughly an hour and during it Zola, usually a social butterfly, barely said two sentences. They decided to end the meeting when Zola tugged on Derek's sleeve and pulled him down to her, she whispered in his ear, begging him to take her home.

As the Grey-Shepherd's prepared to leave, Meredith extended a hand to Ife. The woman graciously shook her hand and said, "Thank you so much for taking such good care of Zola after all these years. It means so much to me that she is so happy and healthy. When she is back home with me I am sure we will keep in contact." Meredith immediately recoiled at the woman's words, acting as if she had been burnt. The surgeon instinctively stepped between Ife and Zola, guarding her daughter. Hearing her biological mother's words, Zola stepped back against her father, sheltering herself in his protective embrace.

"What do you mean by that," Meredith asked Ife, "What do you mean by "when she is back home"? Zola's coming home with us, her parents."

"Her foster parents," Ife replied, as if it is the simplest thing on the planet.

"No," Derek said, tightening his protective grip on Zola's shoulders, "Her parents."

Stepping between the arguing parents, Janet lifted her hands to placate them, "I'm sure there has just been some sort of misunderstanding," Janet reassured both parties, "And if you could all take a moment to calm down, I'll begin sorting this out."

the day of the change

Meredith and Derek returned to the courthouse, this time with all three of their children. Janet had called them the day before, apologizing for the misunderstanding with Ife and promising the couple that it would all be sorted out in the courthouse. However, leaving the second time, Meredith and Derek were more upset when they left the first time. While they came to the courthouse with three children, the only left with two of them.

Due to Zola's orphanage paperwork not being with her when the adoption process started over ten years ago, some forms seemed to have been left out in the shuffle and transfers. While Meredith and Derek had been guaranteed by the orphanage that Zola had been available for adoption, paperwork that had been lost while taking her to Seattle had her listed under fostering and not adoption. In the United States, Zola was a candidate for adoption due to the lost paperwork, but in Malawi, fostering had been her only option. When Ife put her daughter in the orphanage, the plan was to return once she was on her feet and take her daughter home with her.

To Ife, meeting Zola was the first step to bringing her daughter home. To Meredith and Derek, introducing their daughter to her birth mother was a way to connect her to a life she never lived. They didn't expect to lose their daughter by doing so.

Everything seemed to happen so quickly for the family. One day they're meeting their daughter's birth mother and two days later their daughter was being taken to a different continent. In the meeting at the courthouse the second day, a judge ruled that due to the original Malawian paperwork, Zola had to return to Malawi. However, the judge also said that in six months the case would be reviewed and if at that time, an argument could be made in favor of the Grey-Shepherd family, Zola could return to Seattle. After the judge made her call, the family only had a few moments left of all five of them together.

"Can we say goodbye?" Meredith choked out, looking toward Janet. The social worker nodded and told the family they had five minutes. Janet watched as Zola's parents clung tightly to the young girl. She couldn't help but remember the last time she took Zola away from her parents. The girl wasn't even one at the time, she didn't know what she was leaving behind. Now Zola was not just leaving her country, she was leaving her parents, her siblings, everything she knew and loved. Last time Janet took Zola away it was because she was not confident in Meredith and Derek's ability to be her parents. Now, looking at the little girl sob into her mother's shoulder, there was no question in their ability to raise her.

Meredith couldn't remember a time she had held her daughter so tightly. Maybe the first time Zola was taken away or maybe when she came to the door and expecting pizza and instead finding her baby, but probably not. Zola was sobbing into her mother's shoulder, begging not to be taken away. Derek's arms were wrapped tightly around the two of them, pulling mother and daughter tight to his chest. It was a mirror of their reunion ten years prior, when Zola officially became theirs. Now she was being taken away.

Gasping through her tears, Meredith lifted a hand and caressed Zola's cheek, wiping away stray tears, "ZoZo, baby, I love you so so much. And you're going to come home, I promise. Because no matter where you go," Meredith sobbed as she continued saying goodbye, "Or who you're with, I will always be your mother." Zola clung tightly to her mother, never wanting to leave.

When Meredith could no longer speak, too lost in her body wracking sobs and deteriorated to the point of just repeating I-love-yous, Derek started talking to Zola. He pressed a long and hard kiss to his daughter's cheek as he told her, "You don't remember this but when you were little, you were taken away from us. Just like this. And even then we loved you so much and we fought so hard to get you back. And I promise you, Zo, we're going to do it again," He pulled his daughter tighter against him, inadvertently doing the same to his wife as she was unable to let go of her daughter, "We are going to fight so hard for you. You're going to be back before you know it because we are not going to give up. We will get you home, do you understand. We love you so much, Zola. We both love you so much."

Derek had just finished talking when Janet came over to them, "It's time," She informed them softly. At her words, Zola started wailing, not wanting to leave her parents. Janet had to physically tear her from the arms of Meredith and Derek as the eleven-year-old fought desperately to remain in their protective hold. Even as Janet carried the hysterical child over to Ife, Zola continued to fight in her arms, trying to get back to the parents who loved her and raised her. It was a challenge to place Zola in Ife's arms, but once the girl was there, her birth mother cooed to her, trying to calm her down. Zola kept fighting and wailing. The last glimpse of her Meredith and Derek and was her struggling against her birth mother as they walked out of the room, calling desperately for Meredith and Derek, screaming how much she loved them. Once Zola was out of sight and her cries softened by distance, Meredith collapsed to the ground, holding tightly to her husband and sobbing. If she thought losing Zola the first time was hard, she had no idea what this was now. If Meredith had to compare the sensation to anything it was as if she had all her limbs amputated and her heart removed. She felt empty and broken, knowing her daughter was being taken away. Usually one to try to hide his emotions, Derek couldn't help but shatter with his wife. They had just lost their daughter and despite their promises, they had no way of knowing if she was ever coming home.

A/N: I think that is the most angst I've ever written and chapter two only gets worse… I'd like to remind you all that I have NO KNOWLEDGE ON HOW ADOPTION WORKS. I'm just 18, this was just an idea that popped into my head and I ran with it. If you liked the fic so far, please review. As of me posting this chapter the other two are finished and will be posted throughout the week. It is the dreaded finals week for me, starting Monday, so the other two chapters will be posted throughout the week. Other than this fic, nothing new will be posted from me until Summer Break starts, but while I procrastinate I will continue to write. On a final note, Chag Sameach and Happy Passover to those, like me, who celebrate!