Night had fallen, and the junkyard was quiet after the tumult earlier. Thankfully, neither Grimlock nor Strongarm had been bitten, and both were fine after a quick de-webbing. Grimlock let the cavern collapse behind them, sealing Airachnid's corpse in a tomb of her own making. With any luck, it would stay sealed. When they trouped out of the cave, they discovered Clampdown had escaped, leaving behind only a hewn-down tree. No one cared enough to go after him. They had more important things to worry about.

Now Sideswipe sat by Knockout's berth, standing watch over his motionless form. Although Fix-it had assured him that his guardian would be fine, he wouldn't rest until Knockout woke up. He rubbed his optics. The events of the day had exhausted him, but he wouldn't succumb to sleep. And not just because of his worry. After what he'd done underground, he feared the dreams that might await him.

"Sideswipe?" Strongarm's voice startled him, despite its softness. He hadn't even noticed her approach.

"How…how are you holding up?" She asked, more gentle than usual. Sideswipe gulped. He stared at his hands, imagining them stained with the blue glow of energon.

"I killed her," he whispered.

"You had no choice. When all other optins have been exhausted, lethal force is authorized."

"Easy for you to say." He spat with more venom than he'd intended. "You ever killed anyone, "cadet?" You ever seen their optics go black as you shatter their spark? Because if you haven't, you can't understand!"

Strongarm flinched back from his vitriol. Sideswipe instantly regretted snapping at her, but he had no energy for apologies. He nestled his head in his arms as if to hice from the world "Just leave me alone."

Strongarm left without another word. Probably the only time she's ever done what I told her, Sideswipe thought bitterly. He wished none of this had happened. He hated Steeljaw for releasing the spider, he hated Airachnid for hurting his friends and for continuing to torment him even now that she was dead. And he hated himself. More than hate—he loathed himself for extinguishing a spark, no matter how twisted that spark had been.

In the midst of his self-deprecation, a hand settled on his head. He froze as it stroked his helm-ridges comfortingly.

"Dad?" He looked up and saw dim red optics gazing back at him.

Knockout smiled tiredly. "Hello, mein leben."

"Dad!" Knockout grunted as Sideswipe engulfed him in a bear hug.

"Ow—easy, Sides. I'm not in top shape right now."

"Sorry, sorry." Sideswipe hastily sat back, but still gripped Knockout's hand. "How do you feel?"

"Like slag." Knockout eyed his ruined paint with disgust. "What about you? Are you all right?"

Sideswipe laughed dryly. "I'm not the one who got captured by a psycho spider."

"I suppose not." Knockout looked around. "Since we're back at base and I'm still in one piece, I assume you managed to beat her."

The smile melted off Sideswipe's face. He glanced away, no longer able to look his guardian in the optic. "She's…she's dead."

"Good riddance," Knockout hissed."Who killed her? I should congratulate—" He suddenly noticed Sideswipe's darkened demeanor and made the connection. His expression softened. "Oh, Sides…"

"Do you remember it? The first time you killed someone?" Sideswipe asked without looking at him. Knockout was silent for a long moment.

"It was before the war," he said finally, a distant look in his optics. "I don't think I was much older than you. My youngling unit had just been shipped out of the care center to the Kalis mines."

Sideswipe blinked in surprise. "You were a miner?"

"I was supposed to be. Fate intervened. There was a medic of sorts at the mines in Kalis and he took me as his apprentice as soon as I arrived. Said I had good hands."He wiggled the slim digits, a ghost of a smile appearing and vanishing again in an instant. "The day after I arrived, there was mining accident. One of the injured mechs had a broken spinal strut. We didn't have the parts or the skills to fix him. Steelcharger, my mentor, was busy with another patient, so he told me to—" Knockout hesitated, as if the words pained him. "-To put him out of his misery."

Sideswipe gaped at his guardian. "What did you do...? I mean, after...?"

"I didn't get much time to dwell on it. There was work to be done. But once the patients were taken care of, Steelcharger took me aside. He told me that in the mines, sometimes the only help we could give was a quick offlining. It wasn't easy, and it wasn't pretty, but it was the best we could do. And that's all anyone could ask of us."

Sideswipe sighed hopelessly. "That's not gonna help much…"

"Mein leben." Knokcout reached out, inviting him in for an embrace. Sideswipe hesitated only briefly before accepting it. He tucked his face against Knockout's chestplates like he used to do when he had nightmares. Only this time, he couldn't wake up from the nightmare. Knockout rubbed his back soothingly. "I wish I could say it'll stop bothering you at some point. But the truth is, it probably won't. It'll stick with you for the rest of your life. The trick is to not let it consume you."

"How...?"

"Focus on the present, the here and now. Focus on the future you have ahead of you, and your goals and dreams. Let the past stay in the past." Knockout hugged him tighter. "And come to me when you have trouble. I'm here for you."

Sideswipe vented deeply. At some point he'd started crying. He didn't try to hold back the tears; it was a relief to let them out. "…Thanks, Dad."

Knockout hummed in acknowledgement. He would help Sideswipe through this darkness and they'd both come out of it stronger than before. But one more thing needed to be said still.

"…I love you, mein leben."

"Love you too, Dad."

THE END