AN: This one takes place just two weeks before the wedding. Mac is the best
man, all systems are go.
b2 weeks until the wedding At the Admiral's house Harm and Jess' engagement party/b
"Has anyone seen my best man?" Harm asked
"How do you get away with calling her a man?" Sturgis asked.
"I think that's outweighed by the pleasure she takes in hearing a squid admit that a jarhead is best," he joked. "Now seriously, where's Mac?"
"I think I saw her go out the backdoor," Bud offered.
Harm stepped outside and gave his eyes a moment to adjust to the twilight before walking forward. "Mac? Are you out here?"
"I'm over here Harm," she called.
Following her voice, he found her seated on a garden bench. "May I join you?" he asked quietly.
"Of course Harm.if I didn't want you here I wouldn't have let you know where I was." As soon as the words left her mouth, Mac wished she could take them back. iI can't let him know, can't let him see./i she reminded herself.
"Is something wrong, Mac?" he finally asked. "You've been pretty quiet today."
"Nothing's wrong Harm," she replied a bit too quickly.
"Are you sure?" he prodded gently.
"I'm sure, it's just."
"Just what Mac? You know you can tell me anything."
iAnything but this. I've got to throw him off!/i "It just hit me today Harm. You're getting married. this is for real."
He frowned slightly and asked, "And that bothers you?"
"No. I guess I just never thought I'd be celebrating your engagement." iTo someone else,/i she added silently.
He smiled briefly and said, "Life does have a way of surprising you."
"Yeah I guess. Harm, if you could go back and do one thing differently, what would it be?" she asked suddenly.
"The Admiral once gave me some good advice-"Don't look back." I did then and wished I hadn't. The fact is you can never change the past, you can only deal with how it effects the present."
"You're dropping chaff again Hammer. answer the question."
"I can't Sarah. please don't ask me to," he begged softly.
Their eyes held for a long moment before Mac looked away. "You'd better go in, I'm sure your bride is wondering why you're spending all evening in the garden with the best man."
"Are you coming Mac?" he asked as he stood to go in.
"I'll be there in a minute. please go," she requested. Without protest, he rose from his seat to go indoors, but when he reached the door, something stopped him. Opening it, he let it shut without going in so she wouldn't realize he was still in the garden. Then he quietly walked a few steps closer to where she sat and found a seat on another bench where he could wait for her.
Thinking he was gone, Mac attempted to collect herself. iWell Mackenzie, you're three for three. you'd think you'd learn that he doesn't have feelings for you and stop begging him to hurt you. but no, you have to go put yourself on the line anytime it seems like he might be slipping away. come to think of it, why do I always choose times like this to talk to him? What did I expect him to do, tell me that he's madly in love with me and walk back into the house and say "I'm sorry, there won't be a wedding?"/i she asked derisively. iOk, so move on. you're a Marine, you can handle it./i Standing, she went in to join the party.
She didn't even notice Harm until he reached out for her hand as she walked by him. "Harm? Don't you need to be getting back inside?" she questioned.
"Sit with me for a moment," he requested and tugged at her hand to get her acquiescence.
"Okay I'm sitting, now what did you want?"
"I'm just wondering if you're feeling it too." He played with the fingers on her left hand, unwilling to let go of this lifeline.
"Feeling what?" she asked, trying not to think about his gentle touch.
"Déjà vu." When she remained silent, he plunged right in. "Haven't we done this before? Tried to talk about. well, stuff. at an engagement party?"
She laughed mirthlessly. "Yes we have, and if memory serves it didn't go too well the first time. It makes me wonder why we're doing it again."
"Maybe fate is giving us a second chance to get this conversation right," he replied quietly.
"Fate can only do so much Harm," she pointed out in exasperation. "At some point, we have to pick up the ball and run with it, and neither one of us have been very good at doing that."
"Then maybe that's what we need to change. Ask me again, Mac." Thrown into sudden confusion, she just stared at him. "The last question you asked-ask me again, and I promise I'll answer."
"Harm, if you could go back and do one thing differently, what would it be?" she recited, her mouth suddenly dry with anticipation.
"I don't think I can begin to narrow it down to one, there are so many things I've done over the years that have made our lives more difficult. Do I pick the first one, or the biggest, or the most recent. But I was to lump them all together, I would say the one thing I would do differently is that at every one of those moments, I would make sure you know how I feel about you."
Forcing herself not to jump to conclusions, she asked, "And how do you feel about me?"
Flashing her a quick smile, he said, "How long do you have?" Taking her shaky laugh and the instinctive tightening on his hand as encouragement to go on, he jumped in. "I respect you as a woman, and as an officer, and as a female officer. I admire you for the strength you've shown in what you've overcome. I appreciate you as a partner and need you as a friend. Your warmth and sense of humor have kept me on track more times than you'll know." He paused for a breath, not realizing that Mac was holding her breath as well.
"But above it all, binding all that together, is one thing. I love you. I can't say how long I have, or when I started, but I know that it feels like it's been forever. I know that I want it to be forever."
"And what about Jess?" she asked quietly, unwilling to settle for anything less than unconditional surrender.
"Jess. no matter what happens tonight between you and I, the wedding is off. I feel like a cad for leading her on for so long, but I can't continue to do so. No matter how much I care for her, it will never be enough. only you could be enough for me." This time it was his turn to hold his breath as he awaited her response.
It wasn't long in coming. "And only you are enough for me, Harm," she replied. "For the last eight months, I've tried to tell myself that I don't need you in my life, and I failed miserably. There is nothing about you that I don't need, but most of all I need your love."
"You've said you need me, but do you love me?" he asked, half afraid of her answer.
Startled, she looked him straight in the eye for the first time since this conversation had begun and was stunned by the insecurity she saw lingering there. "Do I love you?" she repeated. "Enough that it will take a lifetime to show you."
b2 weeks until the wedding At the Admiral's house Harm and Jess' engagement party/b
"Has anyone seen my best man?" Harm asked
"How do you get away with calling her a man?" Sturgis asked.
"I think that's outweighed by the pleasure she takes in hearing a squid admit that a jarhead is best," he joked. "Now seriously, where's Mac?"
"I think I saw her go out the backdoor," Bud offered.
Harm stepped outside and gave his eyes a moment to adjust to the twilight before walking forward. "Mac? Are you out here?"
"I'm over here Harm," she called.
Following her voice, he found her seated on a garden bench. "May I join you?" he asked quietly.
"Of course Harm.if I didn't want you here I wouldn't have let you know where I was." As soon as the words left her mouth, Mac wished she could take them back. iI can't let him know, can't let him see./i she reminded herself.
"Is something wrong, Mac?" he finally asked. "You've been pretty quiet today."
"Nothing's wrong Harm," she replied a bit too quickly.
"Are you sure?" he prodded gently.
"I'm sure, it's just."
"Just what Mac? You know you can tell me anything."
iAnything but this. I've got to throw him off!/i "It just hit me today Harm. You're getting married. this is for real."
He frowned slightly and asked, "And that bothers you?"
"No. I guess I just never thought I'd be celebrating your engagement." iTo someone else,/i she added silently.
He smiled briefly and said, "Life does have a way of surprising you."
"Yeah I guess. Harm, if you could go back and do one thing differently, what would it be?" she asked suddenly.
"The Admiral once gave me some good advice-"Don't look back." I did then and wished I hadn't. The fact is you can never change the past, you can only deal with how it effects the present."
"You're dropping chaff again Hammer. answer the question."
"I can't Sarah. please don't ask me to," he begged softly.
Their eyes held for a long moment before Mac looked away. "You'd better go in, I'm sure your bride is wondering why you're spending all evening in the garden with the best man."
"Are you coming Mac?" he asked as he stood to go in.
"I'll be there in a minute. please go," she requested. Without protest, he rose from his seat to go indoors, but when he reached the door, something stopped him. Opening it, he let it shut without going in so she wouldn't realize he was still in the garden. Then he quietly walked a few steps closer to where she sat and found a seat on another bench where he could wait for her.
Thinking he was gone, Mac attempted to collect herself. iWell Mackenzie, you're three for three. you'd think you'd learn that he doesn't have feelings for you and stop begging him to hurt you. but no, you have to go put yourself on the line anytime it seems like he might be slipping away. come to think of it, why do I always choose times like this to talk to him? What did I expect him to do, tell me that he's madly in love with me and walk back into the house and say "I'm sorry, there won't be a wedding?"/i she asked derisively. iOk, so move on. you're a Marine, you can handle it./i Standing, she went in to join the party.
She didn't even notice Harm until he reached out for her hand as she walked by him. "Harm? Don't you need to be getting back inside?" she questioned.
"Sit with me for a moment," he requested and tugged at her hand to get her acquiescence.
"Okay I'm sitting, now what did you want?"
"I'm just wondering if you're feeling it too." He played with the fingers on her left hand, unwilling to let go of this lifeline.
"Feeling what?" she asked, trying not to think about his gentle touch.
"Déjà vu." When she remained silent, he plunged right in. "Haven't we done this before? Tried to talk about. well, stuff. at an engagement party?"
She laughed mirthlessly. "Yes we have, and if memory serves it didn't go too well the first time. It makes me wonder why we're doing it again."
"Maybe fate is giving us a second chance to get this conversation right," he replied quietly.
"Fate can only do so much Harm," she pointed out in exasperation. "At some point, we have to pick up the ball and run with it, and neither one of us have been very good at doing that."
"Then maybe that's what we need to change. Ask me again, Mac." Thrown into sudden confusion, she just stared at him. "The last question you asked-ask me again, and I promise I'll answer."
"Harm, if you could go back and do one thing differently, what would it be?" she recited, her mouth suddenly dry with anticipation.
"I don't think I can begin to narrow it down to one, there are so many things I've done over the years that have made our lives more difficult. Do I pick the first one, or the biggest, or the most recent. But I was to lump them all together, I would say the one thing I would do differently is that at every one of those moments, I would make sure you know how I feel about you."
Forcing herself not to jump to conclusions, she asked, "And how do you feel about me?"
Flashing her a quick smile, he said, "How long do you have?" Taking her shaky laugh and the instinctive tightening on his hand as encouragement to go on, he jumped in. "I respect you as a woman, and as an officer, and as a female officer. I admire you for the strength you've shown in what you've overcome. I appreciate you as a partner and need you as a friend. Your warmth and sense of humor have kept me on track more times than you'll know." He paused for a breath, not realizing that Mac was holding her breath as well.
"But above it all, binding all that together, is one thing. I love you. I can't say how long I have, or when I started, but I know that it feels like it's been forever. I know that I want it to be forever."
"And what about Jess?" she asked quietly, unwilling to settle for anything less than unconditional surrender.
"Jess. no matter what happens tonight between you and I, the wedding is off. I feel like a cad for leading her on for so long, but I can't continue to do so. No matter how much I care for her, it will never be enough. only you could be enough for me." This time it was his turn to hold his breath as he awaited her response.
It wasn't long in coming. "And only you are enough for me, Harm," she replied. "For the last eight months, I've tried to tell myself that I don't need you in my life, and I failed miserably. There is nothing about you that I don't need, but most of all I need your love."
"You've said you need me, but do you love me?" he asked, half afraid of her answer.
Startled, she looked him straight in the eye for the first time since this conversation had begun and was stunned by the insecurity she saw lingering there. "Do I love you?" she repeated. "Enough that it will take a lifetime to show you."