Hold On - Chapter 3

Rated: T

Let Go

Chapter Summary: Maybe they'll be in love forever, maybe they won't, but the journey will be worth it regardless.

It all ended too fast.

A long weekend ending by the midday sun as April and Raphael left the farmhouse.

These were two friends hanging on the cusp of something more for far too long; the desperation for more in both of their hearts but each of them wary of pursuing it. After all, they already felt just so at peace with one another; their simple camaraderie and friendship a beacon of light in this increasingly darkening world. They were a shoulder, a confidant, a friend to call in the middle of the night that wouldn't only answer, but listen to you for hours if need be. Their closeness wasn't about the space, it was their beings, their souls clambering for more than each was certain they were willing to give. A love that seemed so difficult and complicated with it's simplicity.

Love was an overused word in television and movies; an emotion they made seem so simple in those cheesy romantic comedies. Based mainly on attraction and falling in love relatively overnight but either could attest to the hypocrisy of those films. Love wasn't butterflies and rainbows; it wasn't just lustful and passionate sex with way too little communication, no cliche moments of kissing in the rain on the beach; it was a commitment; a drive to putting someone's needs over yours; a friendship and understanding, based on mutual respect and the sense of being equals while maintaining their individuality.

That was why they didn't pursue it for so long; afraid to rupture the delicate balance they procured over the years they'd known each other. A bond that seemed so fragile once upon a time; Raphael's insecurities and April's unwillingness always getting in the way of true happiness, of allowing something beautiful to naturally take root because of fear of the unknown. Unknown of knowing exactly what to expect from the other; one that existed in a world so unlike the other; a human, a mutant turtle...things that shouldn't co-exist. Impossible didn't partially cover it, perhaps...maybe if both were willing to try, it could work in the end...

The two didn't speak as they packed away the few belongings they'd brought, along with the cooler; it was only three days to hang out and be together away from distractions, family, and a noisy city. While short, it was just what they needed. Wanting to make sure everything was left in order before they got on the road, April broke away from Raphael with a quick "be right back" and him replying with a nonsensical grunt before the brunette returned to the house one last time.

April ascended the stairs to the basement; making sure the generator was switched off. Once pleased that it was, she walked back out toward the exit where she froze in her tracks near the entrance to the living room, these last few days swiftly flashing in her mind...

Something drastic changed during the weekend together; whether it be cleaning the farmhouse of the thick layer of dust that covered every surface; plopping onto the couch after making dinner that night or reluctantly washing dishes afterward. It was as simple as how the terrapin would teasingly flick warm droplets of water at her while doing so; his deep raspy laugh making her stomach hurt in the best way. After the kitchen was spotless, the two made it half-way through a particularly bad horror movie, which was picked up with bent rabbit ears covered in aluminum foil, before both passed out on the couch.

Second day was spent going for a hike where April showed him the many lakes and ponds she explored as a child. A devilishly handsome grin crossing Raph's face when he suddenly grabbed her and jumped into the water all while she screamed going in and laughing her ass off coming out. Splashing water at each other before exiting the cold pond and rolling around in the grass, laughing all while drying off by the heat of the warm summer sun. Relaxing in the green foliage and flowers; enjoying the tremendous heat of those beautiful rays of light Raphael had experienced far too little of in his sewer-inhabited existence. The rest of the afternoon they found themselves talking; speaking about everything from tragic childhood fears to mundane things such as favorite foods and music all with the same ease. Once thoroughly dry, they went back to the cabin to wash up and make dinner with the same playfulness as the previous day. Once bellies were full and the kitchen was clean, the two decided to relax. Raphael flipped through the sad amount of channels here in the boonies and April lost herself in her mother's favorite novel; sitting next to him and throwing her feet in his lap with nothing more than a faint smirk. Raph shook his head at her actions but couldn't help but take her in from the corner of his eyes while doing so; watching in stunned silence when the brunette continually bit her lower lip while she read. As time progressed slowly, Raphael simply couldn't take his eyes off her in the fading light of the sun wondering how the hell something so mundane could easily be the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen.

The last day was much like the previous; staying outside during the light of day; the terrapin eagerly basking in the sun's warmth in a way he never got to experience before all while April tried to recall a time where she'd ever seen him this genuinely happy. He'd tried to contain the excitement, but the sparkle in his eyes gave it away. A picnic lunch and another short hike later, the sun had already fallen beyond the horizon and the full moon proudly displayed in the sky; where they lay in the grass to gaze up at the stars. The vastness of space hard to comprehend in a city so full of pollution; the red-banded terrapin remained stunned into silence as she pointed out the different constellations that lit up the night with mixtures of dark blues and purples with shining white sparks of light igniting it all in vivid contrast. April got teary eyed recalling how she did the same thing with her father in what as may as well have been a different life...

The cold seeped night seeping into skin, the two returned back to the house but both refused to give into sleep just yet. April suggested staying up late and watching crappy movies; the VHS tapes she procured were worn and dusty but made for some great ab-libbing opportunities during the terrible acting and awful dubbing. The two laughing loudly, barely noticing as they kept accidentally brushing hands on occasion while taking turns reaching for overtly buttery and salty popcorn wedged between them. Raphael got a little embarrassed when he grasped her hand on accident for the third time but April just smiled. Boldly leaning up to kiss him on the cheek; watching in barely restrained glee at how his cheeks changed from forest green to near burgundy at her action. Feeling particularly reckless, she moved in again to kiss his other cheek but this time, he moved and her lips brushed the corner of his wide mouth instead; the sparks shooting off in her head as the scar on his lip ghosted over her cheek.

Pulling back in a bit of shock, the reporter wasn't sure what to think; after all, sparks going off after a kiss was just crap you heard about in movies. April ignored it for that was a stupid girlish fantasy that didn't have any grasp in reality. The red-banded terrapin made it apparent they were just friends and would have to remain as such regardless of the gravity pulling them toward each other. Fantasizing for more was a possibility she wasn't prepared for; the harsh realities of their world had never been kind and why would it change now? Sinking further into the couch and pretending that didn't happen didn't last when his hand suddenly clasped over hers.

The rough texture of his scales and the callouses from his lifetime of ninjitsu didn't bother her like she used to think it would. The massive three fingers didn't even register anymore; it had become so natural; so normal to her that she barely blinked when she accepted the differences between him and a human male. To think she fainted the first time she saw them; at how strange they once looked to her and now she was internally pining over the largest of them. His visage was incredibly attractive; while not human in the slightest, his face couldn't be more masculine; strong jaw, cheekbones, and those intense amber eyes always making her heart beat just a little faster. Such a color didn't exist in the realm of humans; so unlike the normal variation in his brothers' eyes; his were amber and pure honey; flecks of unadulterated gold etched into those gorgeous irises.

The eyes of a reptile and yet it didn't bother her at all.

This was normal to her now; in her wildest dreams, never imagining those four small tiny turtles and a rat would become integral to her life; giving her existence purpose and meaning on this planet that she never understood. To find a home in the most unlikely place...and she wouldn't trade it for the world. Large hand softly squeezed her own; blue eyes taking a glance down to where their hands were laced, her fingers seemed too delicate; fragile and downright tiny compared to his own. These hands which flung shipping containers like a tissue box, could snap a neck like a toothpick; such power and raw abilities honed into these hands and yet he still handled her with a gentleness he shouldn't possess. Swallowing down a sudden lump that wedged into her throat, April lifted her eyes to his and was astounded by the raw emotion etched in those deep set eyes.

"Raph?" April whispered, her breathing nearly to the point of hyperventilation and heart palpitating like a frantic drum against her sternum. Not even having the time to ask herself how that happened when one of his hands left hers to gently cup her cheek; the pad of this thumb, rough like sandpaper yet not unpleasant at all, ghosted ever so slightly upon her flushed cheek and brushing a strand of hair behind her ear. Amber eyes were troubled and his mouth would open and close as if he had something to say yet decided against it before any words could tumble forth. Seeing that underlined pain and uncertainty so apparent underneath the surface made her heart ache; but she had little time to think about it when his eyes flicked down to her lips. Without even having the vaguest idea what was happening, Raphael was leaning into her, eyes heavily-lidded, mouth lowering to hers. The only comprehensible thought on her mind and heart as her eyes slipped closed was the realization as to just how much she wanted it to happen...

...yet it didn't...

A moment of terse silence passed, the sound of the television burrowed into her ears when she realized she'd drowned it out a long time ago. Cornflower blue eyes opened to see his face turned away from hers; amber eyes heavy-lidded and troubled as he stared off somewhere in the distance. All too soon, his hand retreated as well.

"S-Sorry, I shouldn't a done that..." Raph murmured and April immediately saw the terrapin's desire to bolt, only this time, she was having none of it.

"...W-Why not?" she asked softly, still not believing the words left her mouth until it was far too late. Just moments ago, she was talking herself out of craving something more with him, and now, that's all she ever wanted...

Without answering, his eyes met hers the soft nuances of his facial expression gave her all the information she needed. The brunette knew him well enough to know the question confused him; his brow ridges furrowed slightly, the soft downward quirk of his mouth and hands folding nervously in his lap.

"April, ya know how much ya mean to me. Yer my best friend, we're always together ya know, spending time, hanging out... I just...I don't wanna ruin what we have because sooner or later, if this turns out to be somethin' more, I'm gonna screw it up..."

"...How do you know that?"

"It's what I do, April! I-I never even imagined I'd meet a human face-to-face that didn't want to dissect or kill me... Let alone get ta know one like I do you...Fuck! I'm no good at this! I'll never will be!"

"How do you know if you don't try?" she asked calmly even if her heart was beating at an alarming rate.

"April, we're so different! I mean, fuckin' look at us! I mean, really! Look!" he yelled, drawing her attention to an old style mirror near the wall to their left where she saw them both sitting side by side on the worn leather couch. April looked at Raph in the reflection and caught the way he flinched when he saw himself next to her. A sight that would have been strange once upon a time but not anymore. Her thoughts were broken by his voice, "Someone like me just doesn't belong with you... Ya deserve so much better than anythin' I could ever offer ya...I gotta face that we're just too different."

April went quiet at those words.

Pondering everything he just said yet she knew he didn't just mean their differences other than their contrasting physicality even if his issues may have stemmed from his self-esteem issues with his appearance. As she gazed openly at him, she didn't see that; to her, he was incredibly attractive; the contrasting size, skin tone and differentiating number of fingers and toes didn't bother her anymore...yet that wasn't the only obstruction keeping them questioning pushing their relationship further...

Another thing she questioned was the significant age difference. She was 26, he was barely 18. Biologically, he could be much older (the age of the turtles before mutation was unknown, although he was young, she wasn't sure exactly by how much.) Mentally, he was only 18, a teenager with nearly no human social interaction until the day they met. You'd never know it though, for his maturity far exceeded many 30 year old men she knew. His ability to discern her needs and his respectfulness was honed into him beautifully. Unlike all the men she knew before, he genuinely cared, listened, and got to know her in a way no one had ever cared to before. Her likes, dislikes, always able to make her laugh and smile for no reason whatsoever, not to mention giving an actual fuck about her...that was saying a lot more than most of her previous relationships; romantic or otherwise.

Raphael had provided her with more support and love no other man had since her father died and it pierced her heart to think he thought so little of himself... Watching him pulling away emotionally and physically, curling deeper into his metaphorical shell and away from the fact this was something much deeper than friendship. Long story short, April was sick and tired of hearing it...and she was desperate to put those poisonous thoughts of his as well as her own doubts to rest.

"...who's better than you, Raph?" April asked, the first hint of emotional turmoil lacing her voice.

"April, ya can't be fuckin' serious..." Raph grumbled, his eyes refusing to meet her own as he rubbed a rough hand across his face in discernible aggravation. He wished he just kept his fucking mouth shut...

"Raph...look at me...I-I...I just," she whispered, reaching for his hand and was shocked when he didn't pull it away. Raphael reluctantly glanced at her when she continued, "I wish you could see you the way I see you..."

"Heh...A hideous scarred mutant?" he chuckled sadly and April's heart broke at the sadness and self-doubt lacing those burnished golden eyes.

"...No, Raph...I've never met anyone like you."

"Heh. No shit..." he chuckled without mirth.

"Raph. Stop it. I'm serious." April spoke firmly, grasping at his wrist. Eyes flicking down to take in the image; her small, almost fragile hand placed on his dark emerald skin, marred with numerous scars and the heavily textured surface of smooth, cool scales. Two years ago, she'd fully admit she would have pulled away, but never again. Blue eyes seeking his out, a soft pink hue appeared on her cheeks when she realized he'd been watching her; while a bit embarrassed at her blatant staring, she met his eyes easily, locking on without a hint of hesitation.

"So am I..." Raphael finally spoke, his deep baritone causing her skin to prickle pleasantly and the hairs to raise on the back of her neck; they dissipated when he continued, "That's why this can't happen, April. I'm no good for ya... I'm not fuckin' boyfriend material... I'm a brash, short-tempered, reckless monster or as ol' Fearless likes to say "a ragin' bull in a china shop". Hell, it may last for awhile, but eventually, I'd jus' royally fuck it up, and I'm not willin' to risk that... I'm sorry, April, I shouldn't have even tried ta kiss ya, I just - you're so fuckin' beautiful, it drives me crazy sometimes...heh...Dammit, I must really be out of my fuckin' mind..." he finished, burying his rough face into a massive hand.

"Raphael, you're none of those things. I mean, I must be crazy too because I feel the same way... Why are you pulling away? Why are you so afraid to be happy?" she breathed, the burning of tears searing the back of her eyes. She absolutely despised how he thought so little of himself when she never met anyone as wonderful as him.

"Because I want you to be happy...and sooner or later, you won't want me, April. Whatever it is we have goin' feels good now, but...if we take it any farther... I..." his voice trickled off and April's heart broke when he pulled away from her touch. The red-banded terrapin continued growing the distance by standing to his feet and walking away.

"Raph..." she whispered, everything inside her mind telling him to go to him yet her body would not obey.

"I'd never recover, April..."

"What are you talking about?"

"If I screw it up and ya leave me, the novelty of whatever this is wears off, or when someone ya actually deserve comes along... Someone who could take ya places and out to go on real dates and shit. Heh... If you left...It'd fuckin' rip my heart out..."

Tears burned the backs of her eyes at the utter agony lacing that voice broke down everything inside of her. Wanting nothing more than just to hug him and hold him close, to abolish those fears was her only goal...Yet his words stopped her in her tracks. It was all the same fears she had; the many things holding her back these past two years since she'd developed a debilitating crush on the largest turtle. So many questions without nearly enough answers...but the one question that kept popping up was "why not?". Their friendship strong enough to survive anything the world has thrown at them thus far...so why not this?

"How do we know if we don't try?" April asked softly and he turned to look at her.

"...and ruin this?" he asked, helplessly gesturing his hand between them.

The friendship she treasured over anything else in this world hanging in this delicate balance between best friends and almost lovers. It was just enough doubt to have everything halt to a stop as all the scenarios played in her mind like some demented record player. A uncertain as the future seemed, there was one thing that was constant; and that was their bond; the unbreakable chain that held them together; that brought a mutant turtle and a female reporter to this small point of time that should have never existed.

The beauty of just what he was; that pinprick of time where a younger version of her saved him and his family from that fire that should have claimed all of their lives - including hers. Hell, she should have died falling off that building when Shredder pushed her off, but Raphael was there to catch her. Both of them escaping death more times than either could count in that one day alone and here they remained questioning being more than just friends. Life was too short to doubt because she knew what she felt was the real deal and wasn't this turtle all about throwing caution to the wind? His reckless energy defined who he was, so why was he so adamant to hold back now?

"Why would it be ruined?" she whispered, seeking out his eyes.

"I usually find a way to screw stuff up...even when I'm not tryin' to..." Raph grumbled, arms crossing protectively over his chest.

"Raph, I know you...I've seen you at your worst and your best. Nothing you've done has ruined anything for us. If anything, your willingness to try; to let me in and get to know you. That alone has just drawn us closer together, wouldn't you agree?"

"..." at his silence, she continued.

"We can't control much, Raphael. You mutating just happened; me running into that building wasn't planned...Meeting again after so many years apart... How just witin days, it already felt as if we'd known each other forever. I don't believe any of this was just a coincidence; neither is this... Besides, aren't the best things in life worth a little risk?"

"..."

"...Raph, if you don't want to try, I understand. I just want you to know that I'm willing to if you are. Nothing is going to change between us regardless... I really believe that; but I'm leaving it up to you." April finished, sitting back to lean her back onto the soft leather; watching the flickering emotions in his eyes.

Raphael finally allowed his eyes to fall upon her; he looked at her for a long while, staring at her in a way he never did before. Raph remained silent as he approached the couch and sat next to her much like they were just moments before any of this occurred.

April would lie if her heart didn't hurt as he remained silent, gingerly moving as if reaching for more popcorn in the bowl that still remained wedged between them. Blue eyes lifted to the television and half-watched pretending her heart wasn't splintering in the confines of her chest. What she didn't expect was the bowl to be lifted and placed aside. The surprise in her face apparent when his arm rose and moved behind her to rest upon the curve of her lower back; the reporter looked up at him in anticipation and slight confusion. Her cheeks were flushed at he looked at her, a genuine smile upon his face as his other hand reached for hers and grasping it lightly.

Her tongue was lead in her mouth as he lowered his mouth to her face, his large rough lips pursed as he brushed them along her cheek. Eyes closing of their own accord, April sighed at the contact; a residual softness to his mouth showcasing itself as he puckered them sightly to kiss the corner of her lips. She quickly melted into his touch, his hand leaving hers in order to caress her cheek. His mouth left her face for a moment; burnished gold and blue met before both sliding closed. Meeting halfway, their lips pressed together chastely at first; firmer pressure applied after another moment as he turned his head in order to get a better angle.

April smiled against his lips before her arms draped along his massive shoulders; the kiss was raw, a little reckless, perhaps a little awkward but so hot...and perfect; just like him...and she embraced it.

Raphael's heart thrummed quickly as his mouth moved over hers; lips so large compared to her own delicate mouth but he was adamant to make it work. Learning quickly at how just to purse his lips in order to press on hers as they continued to kiss. His scales prickled pleasantly as her hands played with his tattered red mask and slipping under the ridge of his carapace to caress the sensitive skin that met shell. For two years, he always wondered what kissing the beautiful April O'Neil would be like and this far exceeded any fantastical daydream. The warmth of her body and sensation of her smooth skin was far beyond anything his imagination could conjure up.

The moment didn't last, April pulling away to gasp for deep lungfuls air; her breathy laugh causing sparks to shoot through his shell. She smelt like cucumber melon shampoo and popcorn; an odd combination he wouldn't soon forget as she tightened her arms around his neck and bringing him closer. Instead of another kiss, she just hugged him tightly, pressing her face into his throat and nothing on Heaven or Earth was pulling her away from him now.

Grasping onto her like a lifeline; they both eventually found themselves lying down on the couch. Both on their sides facing each other; the flashing light of the television the only light in the room as they stared at one another in astonishment at exactly what had just taken place. A drastic shift occurred this night and either were too afraid to speak and unintentionally ruin the moment. Neither were certain how much time had passed before they both fell asleep in each others embrace; ready for whatever waited for them on the other side of consciousness.

April stood at the door of the farmhouse; new memories taking stake over the sad ones that haunted her just days ago. A smile lifting the corners of her mouth, she locked the door before descending the steps and toward the motorcycle. Raphael had finished tying on the cooler and the few bags and was already sitting upon the bike when he saw her approaching.

"Ready?" he asked, holding out a hand to help her up. April just smiled at him, about to put on her helmet when a devilish smirk crossed her face. It only lasted a second as she lifted herself up and kissed him fully on the mouth; enjoying the sensation of his lips pressing firmly against hers before she reluctantly pulled away.

"Now I am." she trilled, placing the helmet correctly on her head before sidling up comfortably in front of the large terrapin.

"Hold on." he chuckled as the motorcycle revved to life underneath.

"I am...and I'm never letting go." she whispered, allowing her heart to hammer away frantically in her chest at the way he smiled down at her. Within seconds, her heart pounded for a different reason, the speed at which the vehicle went underneath them but this time around, she was going to enjoy it...

THE END